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Akerou

Koi ga Saku Koro Sakura Doki Translation Project

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I have spotted a mistake in either translation or code in the choices. 

From my walkthrough on this, in the Flags and other useless notes section:

On the off chance that you managed to still be tied here, the game will just say "To hell with this!" and let you choose who you want (out of the people that are tied) after the welcoming (pool) party.

NOTE: The second tie breaker is messed-up, Konami leads to Yuri, Yuri leads to Mio and Mio leads to Konami.

6) My encounter with Jinpou-senpai -> Ann route

6) My distance to Tsukishima -> Mio route

6) The never-changing days with Mio -> Konami route

6) Konami's Enrollment -> Yuri route

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The choice order in the script is probably messed since they often fail to maintain the choice order they themselves proclaimed via comments for some reason... Gonna check it right away.

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Just as I thought...

The commentary says A Ann, B Yuri, C Mio, D Konami but the actual script directives further down use a different order... Why bother writing comments when they even aren't correct? gj palette.

 

Thanks for the info.

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Here's a compilation of typos screen-capped after entering Konami and half of Mio's routes:

http://imgur.com/a/JpLgC

Ignored the common route, but hope this helps~ 

 

Konami Route:

TqhUkD1.jpg

5fZZZ4b.jpg

2mdWBe6.jpg

koXCT64.jpg

werenyd.jpg

irABCom.jpg

 

First half of Mio Route:

Gyb7vWv.jpg

dPYuUIk.jpg

sxwFJxl.jpg

 

ZSM3vpQ.jpg

GeogmSz.jpg

DiLx9xf.jpg

 

update:

http://imgur.com/a/t9l7B

xnV3MET.jpgJFRKCqu.jpg

Here is the rest of what I found for the rest of Mio's route. 

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To be honest, there are a very large amount of awkward and unnatural sounding lines in the patch. One that immediately sticks out in the batch of screenshots hackrabbits posted is "After emptying the tea that has cooled down to a lukewarm temperature in one gulp..." What's wrong with "After gulping down the now lukewarm tea..."? Really, the main point is that "the tea that has cooled down to a lukewarm temperature" is such a big mouthful and no one would say it in english, while "now lukewarm" is a much more natural phrase that conveys the same meaning and is something someone would say or think. Stuff like this appears practically multiple times in every scene and it would be a massive effort to list them all, but I do suggest you try and find someone who's willing to give the script another pass in order to find stuff like that. 

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To be honest, there are a very large amount of awkward and unnatural sounding lines in the patch. One that immediately sticks out in the batch of screenshots hackrabbits posted is "After emptying the tea that has cooled down to a lukewarm temperature in one gulp..." What's wrong with "After gulping down the now lukewarm tea..."? Really, the main point is that "the tea that has cooled down to a lukewarm temperature" is such a big mouthful and no one would say it in english, while "now lukewarm" is a much more natural phrase that conveys the same meaning and is something someone would say or think. Stuff like this appears practically multiple times in every scene and it would be a massive effort to list them all, but I do suggest you try and find someone who's willing to give the script another pass in order to find stuff like that. 

Tbh I don't see what's awkward about it. There are a lot instances in literature when sentences are longer than necessary instead of being to the point all the time. Then again, it's just my view on it as a non-native speaker. Apparenlty my editor and qcs (who are native speakers) don't rlly get what's supposedly awkward either, so "fixing" that seems to be hard ;x

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Really depends on the original text in my opinion.

 

Example: Shortening the elaborate depictions and explanations in the Grisaia games would butcher the script. Shortening long phrases in an otherwise lighthearted piece of text doesn't lose too much of its value or meaning. Not knowing SakuSaku's script doesn't help me come to a proper judgment on this.

 

There's always the option of going for a middle-ground solution with the example, English is flexible like that and allows for a lot of omission.

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mhhmm dont think anyone would complain about that the script has been butchered if some sentences were shortened or stuff, when the outcome sounds more like natural talking to them. you simply cannot translate some things 1: 1 without the outcome getting arkward. also one should never forget, that in most cases the characters portrayed in vns are mostly "ordinary" people, not some high intelectual dudes & therefore should sound like they would in rl.

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To be honest, there are [sic] a very large amount of awkward and unnatural sounding lines in the patch. One that immediately sticks out in the batch of screenshots hackrabbits posted is "After emptying the tea that has cooled down to a lukewarm temperature in one gulp..." 

Tbh I don't see what's awkward about it.

 

"After emptying the tea that has cooled down to a lukewarm temperature in one gulp..."

 

>The very act of tea turning lukewarm already implies that it has cooled down. It's superfluous to include all that info.

>Passive voice is annoying to read, especially when you're connecting it with another sentence, because suddenly 2-3 subjects are being put in the very same sentence, like this.

>"emptying... in one gulp" - you empty the cup, not the tea.

 

 

Apparenlty my editor and qcs (who are native speakers) don't rlly get what's supposedly awkward either, so "fixing" that seems to be hard ;x

Apparently, you ought to find better editors and QCs. Look beyond the fact that they are native speakers, and make sure they are competent writers.

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"After emptying the tea that has cooled down to a lukewarm temperature in one gulp..."

 

>The very act of tea turning lukewarm already implies that it has cooled down. It's superfluous to include all that info.

 

 

Cooling is what's used to imply that it's temperature changed and lukewarm is used to imply the temperature it's at now. There's nothing wrong with using both, except temperature isn't really needed because lukewarm is a temperature itself. Then again, there's a lot wrong with that line but that's not one. Something better might be "After downing the now cooled down tea in one gulp.." or something to the likes of that. You could do without lukewarm because it just becomes wordy when you include 'cooled down to a lukewarm' and you can still imply it's a cool temperature with just cooled down. Emptying doesn't work because it's being emptied from the glass, but the glass isn't what's being talked about, it's the person whose drinking it. 

Some other general issues in the image I see above "You already kissed with Mayo-san?" with is redundant, technically makes sense but you'd never hear anyone say that. Better option would be "You and Mayu-san have already kissed?"

"Despondently" I really wouldn't use that, I had to look that up to find the meaning and even then, there's a ton of words you can replace it with and get the exact same meaning.

Everything underlined seems to be typos so I'm not really concerned about that. 

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Well, the problem is the only way to specifically mention the cooling process is to do it in an overly wordy and unnatural way. In conversational english, people leave out a lot of the fine details and leave things to context. As long as you say that the tea is *now* lukewarm, it is implied that it used to be warmer and has cooled down. That's the kind of thing that I was trying to get at. There is a lot of redundant or overly verbose wording in the speech and thoughts of the characters and it doesn't flow very well. Anyways, I wasn't trying to make this into a whole big thing so sorry for the derail. Good luck with the rest of the translation.

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Well, the problem is the only way to specifically mention the cooling process is to do it in an overly wordy and unnatural way. In conversational english, people leave out a lot of the fine details and leave things to context. As long as you say that the tea is *now* lukewarm, it is implied that it used to be warmer and has cooled down. That's the kind of thing that I was trying to get at. There is a lot of redundant or overly verbose wording in the speech and thoughts of the characters and it doesn't flow very well. Anyways, I wasn't trying to make this into a whole big thing so sorry for the derail. Good luck with the rest of the translation.

Well, it's a good thing that you and others point this kind of stuff out. Mental awareness concerning certain issues is often enough to raise the quality of subsequent translation. Once the whole tl is done, we'll do another editing pass anyway, so hopefully similar issues throughout the scripts will be stamped out.

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#TLDrama

This is in the end, another fan translation. Why do people keep forgetting that? Why do people complain about stuff non-professional people do for a hobby?

Every single time I swear. But I'm not even going to bother now.

Keep at it Akerou, you're doing a great job just translating every week and not dropping your projects like most mediocre translators out there do. Doing this when you're not even a native speaker is a huge accomplishment on its own already, so godspeed.

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This isn't a topic about the ins and outs of the translation community. I will be removing any posts that are related to the opinions of how that community conducts themselves from this topic.

 

Make an actual topic about the issue or use the PM system.

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Nothing wrong with constructive criticism. Making the TL team aware of typos and flawed sentence structure is not negative at all, it is just helping them do their job so that the TL is of high quality. It looks like to me that Akerou  is accepting of these pointed out errors and willing to make changes so that his project is well done. I applaud him in that. I see no one cutting him or his team down here. Good job Akerou, I appreciate your work on this project and the fact that you want a quality finished product.

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Starting playing the game with your old patch with the 2 routes complete. I did see some errors but I know u will check them out after u do the other routes. Kudos to your hard work and cant wait to play the other routes :)

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