EldritchCherub

I'd like to write a review for Saya no Uta. Yeah, that's how I lost my VN virginity... good times.

How I felt after reading the title of this thread?
 

This is a long comprehesive guide 
It has now been moved to the mainsite.
to read it click the  chapter images for the individual parts:





 
note: part 4-5 not made yet. but hopefully will be added in future
 

 
 
 

How I felt after reading the title of this thread?
 

Don't be so quick to throw in the towel. This is a place where everyone should feel welcome to share their projects no matter what level they are currently at. It would be boring if everyone's writing was the same or everyone turned in stuff without any flaws. The whole point of the critique is help writers recognize where they're at and push them beyond their limits. As long as everyone puts in effort into their writing and rewrites then I see no reason why you should stop doing something you enjoy.

Don't be so quick to throw in the towel. This is a place where everyone should feel welcome to share their projects no matter what level they are currently at. It would be boring if everyone's writing was the same or everyone turned in stuff without any flaws. The whole point of the critique is help writers recognize where they're at and push them beyond their limits. As long as everyone puts in effort into their writing and rewrites then I see no reason why you should stop doing something you enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35FAku5tjg0

I used to be turned off by the idea of finding notes in the margins and having certain sections highlighted because I'd grown up reading a lot and it would distract me from the my own reading experience. My initial impression of finding scribbles in the margins as a kid was akin to finding graffiti on the walls in my neighborhood. It left a sour taste in my mouth and I would just ask my parents to take me to the library in order to find another copy. Over time I started to write in the margins myself in order to better retain information. I'm definitely not as opposed to the idea of notes in the margins as I was before because it's helped me condense large ideas so that I can see the bigger picture.

Sometimes it's nice to see where the previous owner's mind lingered, be it a word or a certain phrase. Though we all eventually reach the end of the book it's nice to retrace people's steps and figure out what detours they took on their journey. Most of the comments I have found have either summarized certain sections or pointed out important themes. I'd be annoyed if every used book I got was like this since I like to ponder things on my own, but on that rare occasion I often times find myself flipping through the pages in order to see the book through another person's eyes.

I write in the margins in books from my writing classes, including fiction and non-fiction. I don't do this for my history books in case I ever get the urge to sell them so that I don't lower the value of the book, though.

My usual line edits are in the spoiler tags. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to leave a comment on this thread. Most of the errors consisted of misspelled words and issues with how to set up the dialogue. There's a liberal use of ellipses, but it's not as if I can deter you from using them. It's preferable to end your sentence with a period instead of trailing off all the time like that.
 



 
Not sure what the viewer discretion was about but I didn't notice any taboo themes in your story, apart from the last line. I didn't get any strange vibes from reading that the father was stroking his daughter's hair cause it came off like a normal father/daughter relationship. Perhaps I need to read it a third time...
 
Anyway, the story is about a monster coming out from under the bed, seemingly from another dimension, in order to give the young girl a message about her being the host for the next messiah. I guess one could argue that this could be considered an invitation for something sexual and have it tied to the father because of what the last line implies. It didn't feel like there was much danger considering the young girl describes the monsters as angel, then again we don't know how the parents would describe the monster so I guess it just depends on the character's P.O.V. The blonde hair in itself is just an aesthetic feature, so I wasn't too concerned about that. Since you mentioned it was inspired by Saya no Uta I thought it was interesting how the monsters from the other realm personally make contact with her in order to let her know about her destiny. I know there is a lot of speculation about where Saya came from and whether there were others like her so I thought it was an interesting side of the universe to explore.
 
The ending is a bit ambiguous, and could either mean the father was the monster all along, or the monster took the father's form and disposed of his body. This would explain where the blood came from and what the monster's intentions are. The monster might chose to remain close to the young girl or watch from a distance. It'll be interesting to see what the monster does next. Good luck on your future drafts if you decide to continue!

Hi, Chris! Welcome to the forums. Indeed, there are a lot of people here who work hard behind the curtains in order to ensure this place keeps running and translations finished.

Due to time constraints I was only able to watch Selector Infected WIXOSS. Here's my review:
 

@Stick1314 You can take a look at my corrections and annotations within the spoiler tag. Compare it with your previous draft in order to see where you might have some logical inconsistencies, insufficient detail, and grammar mistakes which can be easily revised with another revision. If you have any questions about the comments I put in bold feel free to leave a post here in this thread.
 

I promise to get to your piece tomorrow. I'm a bit burnt out from all the homework I have at the moment, so it wouldn't be wise to give a critique in this state.
 
For what it's worth, I have a Bachelor's in Creative Writing. Four years of writing workshops and a lot of essays is a nice way of getting experience, but I'm still a budding writer in many regards. I do whatever I can in order to better myself, even if that means going through other people's pieces, line by line. It's an arduous task, but I feel it will be pay off in the end. I'm not that experienced when it comes to grammar, instead I resort to analyzing the elements of craft. I've bought a few books on grammar, but for the life of me I'm unable to retain much of it XD Most of what I have to offer has been through internalizing what I've learned over the years. Simply put, instinct. Hopefully, I can better express myself in coming years and be able to identify everything by name.
 
I could go into a lot more depth with everyone's pieces, but time constraints prohibit that.

I've edited some portions of your piece, mainly to maintain an economy of words. You can compare the differences with your original post and see if the changes I put in make sense. Take my comments with a grain of salt and remember that you have the final say in what stays and goes in your story. Hopefully, more people will decide to post. It's always nice to read other people's work. I'll probably put up one of my stories pretty soon.
 



 
I really like the setting and can already see hints of the fantastical nature in which this story is headed in. Alex seems like quite the intriguing character and I would love to see more of his thought process explored in future drafts, if you so choose to share with us. I didn't feel like it was in Alex's head most of the time because most of the attention went into the clever use of setting and greater world outside of it. I did enjoy the few glimpses of his mind at work, so consider tugging this out more so the reader can see him react more to the events at play. A lot of your sentences are pretty verbose, so try to keep in mind packed details in order to achieve maximum potency with your words. Tone and P.O.V seem pretty consistent. I get the sense the danger exists, and is lurking in the shadows somewhere.
 
I would have liked to see the forest encroach more upon Alex and see an inkling of fear rise up from him. It's clear that he's familiar with geography and is comfortable tracking other people, so I guess that wouldn't make much sense. The dangers of the forest don't need be in the reader's face, but I only got a fleeting glance of the pitfalls and the branches. The forest is a big place, so try to play a bit more with the setting.The language is pretty crisp and brings the world to life. And yes, I did catch the reference to the 'Linovain detachment', quite the interesting name for an antagonist! Overall, your piece seems pretty promising and I would gladly read more drafts in order to explore more of the 'castle garrison' and the mysterious 'Three'. Good luck with future drafts!

Well, if you have the opportunity to take CS courses, that sounds interesting to me anyway, but if not, I think there is enough material online to learn from otherwise.
I think the bits-and-bytes type of courses, like computer architecture or assembly languages etc. would be the most helpful for hacking, courses on database management and web sites probably not so much.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
 
Next person likes rabbits.

I've edited some portions of your piece, mainly to maintain an economy of words. You can compare the differences with your original post and see if the changes I put in make sense. Take my comments with a grain of salt and remember that you have the final say in what stays and goes in your story. Hopefully, more people will decide to post. It's always nice to read other people's work. I'll probably put up one of my stories pretty soon.
 



 
I really like the setting and can already see hints of the fantastical nature in which this story is headed in. Alex seems like quite the intriguing character and I would love to see more of his thought process explored in future drafts, if you so choose to share with us. I didn't feel like it was in Alex's head most of the time because most of the attention went into the clever use of setting and greater world outside of it. I did enjoy the few glimpses of his mind at work, so consider tugging this out more so the reader can see him react more to the events at play. A lot of your sentences are pretty verbose, so try to keep in mind packed details in order to achieve maximum potency with your words. Tone and P.O.V seem pretty consistent. I get the sense the danger exists, and is lurking in the shadows somewhere.
 
I would have liked to see the forest encroach more upon Alex and see an inkling of fear rise up from him. It's clear that he's familiar with geography and is comfortable tracking other people, so I guess that wouldn't make much sense. The dangers of the forest don't need be in the reader's face, but I only got a fleeting glance of the pitfalls and the branches. The forest is a big place, so try to play a bit more with the setting.The language is pretty crisp and brings the world to life. And yes, I did catch the reference to the 'Linovain detachment', quite the interesting name for an antagonist! Overall, your piece seems pretty promising and I would gladly read more drafts in order to explore more of the 'castle garrison' and the mysterious 'Three'. Good luck with future drafts!

I rather like this section of the forum. Needs more traffic I say.
 
So lets get down to it. Let this be a place where we can show others our creativity. Short stories, poems, scripts, you name it. I think it would be nice to have this as a place for all things creative writing. I don't get the opportunity to share my work with many people, and I think there may be other people out there who feel the same way.
 
Just a friendly place where we can show some of our work. So moving right along...
 
 
Some rules and guidelines:
 
Rules:
 
1. No attacking another member's work. Some of us are very sensitive to other people's thoughts, so please keep that in mind if you are to comment on someone's work. Someone can create a critique thread if that is what they want.
 
2. No double posting. That meaning that you should wait until someone else posts before you post another one of your works. Just to avoid flooding and such.
 
3. Please be respectful. As I said earlier, some of us are very sensitive and are very shy when it comes to our creative works. The last thing we want to do is cut the head off of a potential budding author!
 
Guidelines:
If you are posting an excerpt from your work, be sure to use spoiler tags if it is exceptionally long. If your work is hosted on an outside source, just drop the URL to whatever site (fiction press, fan fiction, google docs, etc.)  
That is really all there is to it. So I guess I should probably start:
 
Excerpt: 
 



 
An excerpt from the story I am currently writing. It hasn't even left the first draft stage, so it is pretty rough (emphasis on pretty). Also, you can kinda see where my name comes from if you pay attention. huehue.
 
Regardless, I open the floor with this. 

Kind of unrelated, but hentai anime announced to be released two months from now for this eroge xD
http://www.getchu.com/soft.phtml?id=841506

Preorder starts on 2/2/2015 at 6:00 P.M PST. The limited edition looks decent enough to warrant the price, so I'll definitely be getting this. One can never have enough Noire!
 
http://www.iffysonlinestore.com/hyperdevotion-noire-goddess-black-heart-limited-edition/

Baka banter begins at 0:45.
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8s9lBgr-fg

Hi,
 
There's been a small update to our project. I've just updated the website with another post, so if you're interested please do not hesitate to check it out on our website. If you have any questions you can hop on the IRC, send an e-mail through our website, or leave a post here. Thanks for the support everyone!

Hi,
 
There's been a small update to our project. I've just updated the website with another post, so if you're interested please do not hesitate to check it out on our website. If you have any questions you can hop on the IRC, send an e-mail through our website, or leave a post here. Thanks for the support everyone!

I posted this on the visual novels subreddit, but I wanted to share it with everyone here as well. Hopefully that is okay .   Here is the gallery:   http://imgur.com/a/x4Bbp   These were taken in late 2011. I do believe it is Narcissu's ten year anniversary, so I figured this is a fine time to showcase these photos!     Narcissu was my first visual novel, and it is still my favorite to this day. After playing through the game, I wanted to discuss it with others so badly, but it was quite niche at the time, so I ended up participating in the Japanese communities. My Japanese is only average, but I just wanted to share my passion for the game with the people out there.   I got to know a couple of Japanese folks who were also fans of the game. Then, in 2011, I decided to take a ten day trip in Japan. Once I told these guys about it, they were extremely friendly and proposed a meet up right away.     One of these online friends happened to live around Kyoto. I stayed there for two nights, and the two of us took a day trip to visit the landmarks from Narcissu. We got to know each other thanks to the game, so there was no better way to spend the day.     Even though the flowers did not blossom during October, we still made the most of our time there. We talked about scenes from the game as we passed some of the actual locations, but I will keep it vague to avoid spoilers. Though we had a language barrier, we still did our best to have a great time, and it is all thanks to this one game.     This has to be what I love most about visual novels, or any fan community in general. It is when a game transcends being entertainment and creates friendships, even when we are in different parts of the globe. When an opportunity to meet up surfaces, there is something really precious about that.     Thank you for reading!