TWO WEEKS AGO: Some bananas happened and then tymmur was murdered and our heroes were too powerless to do something about it because I couldn't write this chapter sooner.
"At least we could strengthen our friendship in the meantime..." contemplated Dreamysyu, sitting in the corridor alongside Dergonu, Mitchnomi and Ranzo. The last time we saw them, they were staring the cursed gif looping at the monitor at classroom 2-B. If they were still staring at it, two weeks later, by now they would have nor eyes nor brains nor anything, as every cell of their body would be as pulverized as an unlucky member of the Avengers. Instead, they got the hell out of the room and decided to have a picnic in the corridor. It was enough time for them to max out all Social Links between themselves, while doing aaaaaaaall the things that good close male friends do together, like drink beer, have sex with each other, tell inside jokes, karaoke, a blood pact and read the h-scenes of euphoria. Actually, scratch that, Ranzo was the only one singing. They started with Bleeding Eyes by Masterplan, but after seeing Rinne's enema h-scene, they're now stuck with a looping Suicide Song by Hatsune Miku.
"Maaaaan, that was good! But I think we're supposed to do something else now..." pondered Dergonu. Mitchnomi could have explained the rules about the investigation about now, since they were one of the higher ups, and also a bear, but sadly they died of hepatitis B after the blood pact part.
"Oh yeah, we gotta investigate tymmur's murder! Rest in peace, man..." said Dreamysyu, putting his main character cape once again. With that, they enter the crime scene once again to see...
...KURISU-CHAN WATCHING STEINS;GATE 0!
"...Wait, what? Here too?"
"Yeah, I noticed that no one was using this room so I invited Kenshin to a two-weeks-long anime marathon consisting of the original S;G and all the released S;G 0 episodes." explained Kurisu.
"I thought that you did your hackerman thing everywhere but here..." me too, Dergonu.
"That was right, so I went back in time and fixed that."
"...Wait, at least you saved tymmur, or any of us, while you did that???"
"They saved ME, because now I finally catch up with S;G 0!" replied Kenshin, making Dreamysyu feel a bit NTRed.
"Actually tymmur is right here." pointed Ranzo to the same chair tymmur was last time. Still dead tho.
"But if the screen now is showing only S;G 0 reruns, what killed him in this timeline?"
"The same thing, I'm afraid. Check his phone, someone PMed him the thing." said Dreamysyu, quickly averting his gaze before their eyes exploded.
"Looks like this fic needs the Meaningless Choices tag, 'cause whatever we do, we can't save tymmur." said Senior, creepily appearing behind them. The rest soon followed, led by an angry Maggiekuma trying to put the story back on track.
"Jumping Christ, I tried to make a Corpse Discovery Announcement but I couldn't even access my own system! I knew I should have put Nayleen in this fic... Oh well, guess I'll have to explain it in person. As I weebly explained last time... do you guys even remember it?"
"How could we forget?" said Zander, proudly covering his war scars.
"Gotcha, the thing is, someone is trying to leave this place sacrificing all the remaining students. Sooo what you guys are waiting for? Foil his plan! If the murderer doesn't get away with it, they alone will be punished. The clock's ticking, so let's start this scavenger hunt for clues! No murder is perfect after all, so look for some fingerprints or whatever." Maggiekuma's limited knowledge about detective stuff is somewhat sad.
"Playing games after one of our mates met such a fate... This is indeed remarkably sick..." Poltroon expressed his disgust.
"Everything for the views!"
"I would like to ask how many minutes will we have for this task, but it's probably an indeterminate amount that will end conveniently after all clues were found." Fiddle correctly said.
"Yeah, works for me! Also, here. ZA MAGGIEKUMA FAIRU! 'All info you couldn't possibly discover just investigating' edition! I'll leave it at the main character's hand! Now, happy hunting!~" Maggiekuma outed.
"Even if we didn't start anything here, I would like to say that batman is the most suspicious one here. He is always using gifs here after all." littleshogun gave their opinion.
"Bitch please, that's clearly not barbaric enough to be something made by my hand!"
"I would say that Kenshin is the most suspicious actually. They appeared here out of nowhere and not many people here have a cell phone with them..." Ranzo continued with the distrusting one another atmosphere for the hell of it.
"But they have a strong alibi, AKA me." Kurisu didn't want to lose a fellow Steins;Gater.
"How do we even remember what happened in other timelines?" pondered Virgin, but not really, since he hardly cares anymore.
"(￣`Д´￣)9" Kiri tried to help clearing Kenshin's suspicion, showing that they have a cell phone as well. And surprisingly, no one started to suspect them, as everyone agreed that Kiri only use his phone to play Kirikoi, tweet and other moe stuff.
"Guys, instead of trying to guess who's the killer, how about we start investigating? The correct answer will appear naturally then." Lesiak made everyone shut the fuck up.
"I'm with you. I'm with this feeling... that the cause of his death isn't what it seems. It looks more that all of this... it's just to confuse us." Dreamysyu's not wrong, this fic is hardly cohesive.
"They'll try to push drugs that keep us all dumbed down and hope that we will never see the truth around!" So come on! Oh yeah, this one I can sing along!
"I'll help you investigate. Mystery is right up my alley." Virgin suggested a partnership.
"Oh, let me join too! Just give me a minute to look for the choice that let me join your party!" since it'll take quite some time for Senior to skip his black bible of choices, let's just focus on what the other guys are doing.
"First, let's read the Maggikuma File. EVERYONE, GATHER HERE!" and they did so.
"Okay. Name of the victim: tymmur. Time of death: around 11 AM. Age: 79 (maybe more, since he's a wizard). Height: 1,80 cm. Orientation: homosexual. Favorite Musumaker h-scene..." Dreamysyu blue screened for a while. "...What any of this have to do with the investigation...?"
"Better look at the body directly." Virgin tried to steal Dreamysyu's spotlight, when both of them were alone again.
"I prefer to collect some testimonies first."
"And why's that?"
"Everyone's fictional counterpart in this story is fucking stupid, someone will probably spill the beans if pressured."
"Let's start with Clephas."
"Are you suggesting that I, the Lord of the JOPs, would mingle with you, inferior beings? And just for a senseless slaughter that fails to appease even goddesses such as Ishtar?" Clephas had a point, I don't think Musumaker's h-scenes would please a goddess of sexuality. Since Clephas knew way more h-scenes than Dreamysyu or Virgin, they just leave it to him to calm the gods and kept investigating.
"Let's talk with Poltroon now."
"..." Poltroon brilliantly said.
"What are you even doing, man?"
"Honoring the memory of our fallen comrade. Let me dedicate this moment of silence to him."
"Dude, it's way past one minute now."
"For someone such as tymmur, one minute is not enough. Not a single one of his lines would fit in that interval."
"...That's something the Ultimate Gentleman would do, I suppose." said Dreamysyu and Virgin at the same time, as they left him alone and went to talk with the others.
"Sigh... This is going nowhere..." Dreamysyu was trying hard to stay positive.
"Let's see what we do have. Dergonu, Ranzo and you were together so all of you have alibis. Kenshin and Kurisu have alibis as well. Fiddle said himself, he's the final boss, so I don't think he would try something as early as chapter 3. Kiri seems harmless, but they play moege, suspicious af. Batman and Clephas would probably do something more barbaric than this. I'm not the culprit and that's true 'cause I'm always right. That leaves us with Lesiak, shogun, Blitz, Poltroon, and Zander. Of all of those, Zander is the most suspicious."
"Are they? I can't remember them doing anything strange..."
"Just look at him!"
"Despite my ear damage last chapter, and the damage that my brain sustains every time I found a grammatical error in this mess, I can hear you quite well, Virgin." speaking of the devil.
"Whatever. What are you so-not-suspiciously doing?"
"I'm investigating the body."
"Huh? Someone actually listened to my idea???" Virgin thought that was pure madness.
"...Enough with the hearing puns."
"Anyway. Did you find something out?"
"Oh, most certainly! Look at his feet!"
"I prefer hips, myself." I'll let you choose who said this.
"Not like that! Look, they're stuffed right into a bucket full of water together with this electric wire. Thoughts?"
"I knew the gif was only a distraction! It was a false flag all along!!" Dreamysyu, for the first time in a while, thought that the fic is finally making some sense.
"Actually, the gif was a big fucking clue, since it was a vibrating gif of an anime girl being electrocuted. A goof from the murderer, most likely."
"Why no one noticed this before????? And why only his eyes exploded????? What kinda electrocution is that????" Virgin thought otherwise.
"Probably because this development was rushed for the views or for the feels or whatever, making it as poorly planned as the game night of someone going through a KEY VN without a walkthrough." salt is the main reason batman worked alone.
"...Want me to take some pictures to use as evidence?" Kenshin wanted to be helpful.
"Oh, do that! It's pretty much the only clue I found here."
"...The ONLY clue?"
"So. It is time." Fiddle eerily prophesied.
"I finally found the choice! I just don't understand why I'll join the party if I say "Panties ahoy!" to Kiri..." I think people hardly care about it now, Senior.
"Ding ding ding, TAIMU APU!" announced Maggiekuma over the monitor, that plotholely was again under their command. "Now hurry your asses over here!" and the asses went there.
NEXT TIME: The first trial! Place your bets now, who killed tymmur?
"..." and that was the sound of Poltroon, still in silence.
"Enjoy the silence..." sang Ranzo, like any other chapter ending.