Confessions of a Drifter

[marmoon]

Update 2017/03/21: The blurb will get revised based on your feedback!  

Hi Guys,

I have written a short story (10-15k slice of life), and suddenly realised I haven't thought if the premise is good enough! That is why I am mulling in a smack-in-the-face moment and wondering what was I doing with my past two months.

Here's a blurb for the short story:
 

Quote

On a warm Sunday evening, Haley walked down the aisle as the whole clan came alive to celebrate yet another happily ever after. Everything was perfect, except it was not her wedding and the groom was her ex-boyfriend Nic. As she survives the day her ex gets married, she reflects on the bittersweet moments they shared. Every memory that surfaced posed more questions for herself and for Nic. Was Haley too rash in her decisions back then? After eight long years of being apart, does she still have feelings for him?

About the characters...

Eight years ago, Haley is a very straight-laced person who comes from a protective family. Like a frog at the bottom of a well, she's not familiar with the ways of the world and loathes herself for being spoilt. She desires to find her own place in this world – her own voice. When she gets excited, you could hear her laughter from the next room.

Nic is humble even though he's got the street smarts and maturity beyond his age, earned the hard way. He is laid back but thinks ahead, and loves pampering Haley. His love for junk food is unhealthy, as is his obsession to make others eat them. Nic loves cracking lame jokes, and Haley laughs at the lamest of them.

1) Are you interested in the premise? If not, how do you think it can be revved up?
2) Are you interested in the character?
3) Do you think the blurb can be improved? Any suggestions welcomed!
4) Are you interested to be a beta reader of this short story?

Thanks!
-Marmoon

Previous Versions:

1 ----

Edited March 20, 2017 by marmoon
Edit Blurb 01

[Novel21]

39 minutes ago, marmoon said:

1) Are you interested in the premise? If not, how do you think it can be revved up?
2) Are you interested in the character?
3) Do you think the blurb can be improved? Any suggestions welcomed!
4) Are you interested to be a beta reader of this short story?

1. Yes I'm very interested in the premise, I don't think you have to change anything.

2. Yes

3. Yes and I don't have any suggestion

4. No since my English skills are very bad 

[DharmaFreedom]

  Hmm, as the reader, i don't know enough to be not interested, thus I am interested . First up, i think you're over explaining the scene. Her dress flowing beautifully already hints to her grace. Enthusiasm and glee, pick one. Great delight and eager enjoyment, Overkill for people at a wedding don't you think. Condense your description and let the reader fill in those brief details. It would be more engaging, that is what I think at least.

  Now about the blurb, you need to think about the purpose of the blurb itself. What are you trying to convey? to whom are you trying to convey this blurb? Based on that, you have the tough task in deciding what and how much to include. Based on what i read, I like that she's unsure about the decision. It lets me think of scenarios that led her there. The tone of whats given to me is bittersweet, starting with a flashback bathed in self-derision and love. Though i don't immediately think she made a rash decision since her tale is yet to be told. Maybe it's a decision that had to be made, a branch in her life where she merely had to pick another path. Well, you Sir or Lady writer will be the one to tell her story, won't you? .

  One last thing, you should mention that she is proceeding into flashback mode by saying, something along the lines of " Was she too rash in her decisions back then? " ...she ruminates, reflects etc to herself. It's up to you regarding the choice of words of course. The reason i suggested this is, as i'm reading, when it suddenly jumped into her flashback, for a second i wondered if she was talking about the bride and her ex the groom, or herself. Momentarily, it felt disjointed. There isn't enough information provided to discount her knowing the bride, you know?. It'll be good to guide the reader when you transition sometimes, when there isn't enough information yet.

  I admire your bravery for putting this out there and asking for thoughts on it, it isn't easy to do. I love reading, i really do. I'll find anything interesting as long as it satisfies my preferences of course. As you can see with my thoughts above, i already find your setting interesting. When i start thinking or guessing at your story, i'm already hooked. Some may say that the story sounds cliche but I personally don't know enough about it yet. You may write something really interesting and beautiful, so what if it ends up being cliche or starts off cliche, or ends up not being cliche at all.

Anyway, lest i ramble on into oblivion, good luck and enjoy writing! 

Ps: Sorry if i said something to offend you! Just blurted out whatever i was thinking. Honest thoughts. 

 

Edited March 19, 2017 by DharmaFreedom
typo!

[mitchhamilton]

19 minutes ago, DharmaFreedom said:

  Hmm, as the reader, i don't know enough to be not interested, thus I am interested . First up, i think you're over explaining the scene. Her dress flowing beautifully already hints to her grace. Enthusiasm and glee, pick one. Great delight and eager enjoyment, Overkill for people at a wedding don't you think. Condense your description and let the reader fill in those brief details. It would be more engaging, that is what I think at least.

  Now about the blurb, you need to think about the purpose of the blurb itself. What are you trying to convey? to whom are you trying to convey this blurb? Based on that, you have the tough task in deciding what and how much to include. Based on what i read, I like that she's unsure about the decision. It lets me think of scenarios that led her there. The tone of whats given to me is bittersweet, starting with a flashback bathed in self-derision and love. Though i don't immediately think she made a rash decision since her tale is yet to be told. Maybe it's a decision that had to be made, a branch in her life where she merely had to pick another path. Well, you Sir or Lady writer will be the one to tell her story, won't you? .

  One last thing, you should mention that she is proceeding into flashback mode by saying, something along the lines of " Was she too rash in her decisions back then? " ...she ruminates, reflects etc to herself. It's up to you regarding the choice of words of course. The reason i suggested this is, as i'm reading, when it suddenly jumped into her flashback, for a second i wondered if she was talking about the bride and her ex the groom, or herself. Momentarily, it felt disjointed. There isn't enough information provided to discount her knowing the bride, you know?. It'll be good to guide the reader when you transition sometimes, when there isn't enough information yet.

  I admire your bravery for putting this out there and asking for thoughts on it, it isn't easy to do. I love reading, i really do. I'll find anything interesting as long as it satisfies my preferences of course. As you can see with my thoughts above, i already find your setting interesting. When i start thinking or guessing at your story, i'm already hooked. Some may say that the story sounds cliche but I personally don't know enough about it yet. You may write something really interesting and beautiful, so what if it ends up being cliche or starts off cliche, or ends up not being cliche at all.

Anyway, lest i ramble on into oblivion, good luck and enjoy writing! 

Ps: Sorry if i said something to offend you! Just blurted out whatever i was thinking. Honest thoughts. 

 

dharma. <3

[marmoon]

Thanks Novel21 & DharmaFreedom for the kind feedback!

@DharmaFreedom: Such useful pointers! I have made some edits based on your suggestions, feel free to let me know your thoughts when you have a chance

A more specific response on a few points:

22 hours ago, DharmaFreedom said:

Now about the blurb, you need to think about the purpose of the blurb itself. What are you trying to convey? to whom are you trying to convey this blurb?

Anyway, lest i ramble on into oblivion, good luck and enjoy writing! 

Ps: Sorry if i said something to offend you! Just blurted out whatever i was thinking. Honest thoughts.

What am I trying to convey? I want to give readers a sense of what kind of story it is: a melancholic string of memories woven  to tell an intimate tale of lost love.

To whom am I trying to convey this blurb? To YA fans of VNs, looking for more grounded slice-of-life that retains some level of light-heartedness.

Thanks for making me think about these questions. I will continue to think of how I can better reflect these messages in the short confinements of a blurb...

Nope, in no way offended. Feeling lucky and truly appreciate your pennies.

[DharmaFreedom]

  I think the blurb paints a clearer picture now. I do get the feeling that this story may be a bit sad, frustrating even, since its about lost love. Though one that may end with hope and catharsis.

 So you're writing this story just for the sake of telling a story? [nothing wrong with that!, you can write in any way you please], or do you aim to create your own VN out of this story, or publish it somehow? If you're handling your story somewhere, do make sure to get someone wit 'fresh' eyes to give your work a look through to check your syntax, punctuation, fluidity etc. 

I wish you the very best with your writing, may you do justice to your characters! 

 

@mitchhamilton mitchy!!  *nadenade. Hope all is well with you!

[Benji Price]

On 19/3/2017 at 10:37 AM, marmoon said:

1) Are you interested in the premise? If not, how do you think it can be revved up?
2) Are you interested in the character?
3) Do you think the blurb can be improved? Any suggestions welcomed!
4) Are you interested to be a beta reader of this short story?

1) Yes, it kinda got me. 

2) At first yes... but maybe not if they're the kind of person who get stucked in the issues of the past as a pretext for not moving on (Haley is my bet to this kind of character).

3) It's fine, only that you focus only in the characters and not in the context where they live (peace, war or postwar period, fictional or real world,  etc.)

4) I wouldn't mind to, but I don't think I'm capable of giving you a useful comeback, I could only tell if I liked it or not and why, that's about it.

[marmoon]

Hi @Benji Price: Thanks for your feedback! I hope that Haley doesn't come across as someone who's stuck in the past, but you can decide that =). About the setting, I didn't give it much attention in the script as well, hoping that the background art will do the trick. The story is set in modern day, real world.

My initial draft is very, very drafty - so I think I may be blind to errors/inconsistencies (that will probably scream out to you). Being my first completed draft, I'll appreciate any opinion you have!