Show off your Writing!

[sanahtlig]

I would devote more than one sentence to explain the opening scene.  Try a paragraph.

 

Insane people aren't typically top picks for military recruitment.  I might explore her past and thinking patterns a bit more.

 

You seem to be using a character-limited perspective--in which case, translating words she doesn't know doesn't seem appropriate.

 

To make your setting believable, you need to really know it inside out.  Read up on military protocol.  Read up on 1939 Poland.  Read up on the state of world affairs leading up to the invasion of Poland.  To some extent, you drew the bullet in Russian roulette here, because I happen to be a World War II buff and your historical inaccuracies are very apparent to me.  You can't write historical fiction without knowing your history.  You also need to think about creating a realistic setting with real actors.  Real society is a monolithic, inexorable system set up to crush sociopathic characters like your protagonist under its booted heel.  You need to carefully consider how she's able to get away with what she does.

 

As for my own story, I'm trying to push major updates at least once a week.  My goal is to progress a week in-story every real life week, likely with most of my work happening on weekends.  That seems the best way to maintain motivation, keep the story in my head, and keep my small group of readers interested.

[sanahtlig]

I read your story, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially what happened near the end, I wasn't expecting that.

You commented earlier that the story wasn't as plot-driven as you expected.  Did that impression change as you read Ch. 3?  What aspects of the story appealed to you?  What aspects made you want to keep reading (or made you want to stop reading)?

[Stick1314]

You commented earlier that the story wasn't as plot-driven as you expected.  Did that impression change as you read Ch. 3?  What aspects of the story appealed to you?  What aspects made you want to keep reading (or made you want to stop reading)?

Yes, it did change. You did that very well. I enjoyed when the story took a slightly unexpected direction in Chapter 3. That's what made me want to read more, but the chapter ended. Nothing that I can think of made me want to stop reading, like I said I enjoyed it quite a bit. You use your words very well when describing scenery and actions.

 

In concerns to your previous reply, she is very careful about what she does, making sure if she does something no one is in the immediate vicinity, though she got careless in the woods because it was mostly remote. Only when she's either alone, or she plans on everyone else being dead, is when she can go full out and when she shows her true colors/brutality. Though when she's angry (Like in the bathroom for example) she slips up on being careful and stops paying attention to things like her strength, surroundings and consequences to her actions. When she's in the company of people she doesn't plan on doing anything to, she acts normally, which is how she got recruited with ease. That and the fact that she is stronger than normal. You'll notice that from the way she broke the mirror, wall, and chair with ease, as well as how she survived the strong punch to the gut. A normal person would have possibly died from that.

 

Also, the translation was for the reader in order to know what was being said, especially because the translation is through Google so I have no idea as to how accurate it is.

 

Considering you know about WW2, could I provide you with my Skype so I can ask you for help concerning what I'd need to fix with the historical inaccuracies, expanding on/introducing characters, as well as any other things I may overlook?

 

One last question. How long have you been working on your story?

 

I appreciate you taking your time to help me point out what I needed to fix and showing me your story.

[sanahtlig]

You should think of a history for your protagonist that explains her killing ability.  People aren't natural born killers.  It's a skill that has to be trained and honed through experience.  In turn, that will require you to be an expert in killing to write it convincingly.  You should take care that you don't bite off more than you can chew.

 

I wrote Ch. 1 11 years ago.  I wrote Ch. 2 and most of Ch. 3 the weekend before last weekend.

[Stick1314]

You should think of a history for your protagonist that explains her killing ability.  People aren't natural born killers.  It's a skill that has to be trained and honed through experience.  In turn, that will require you to be an expert in killing to write it convincingly.  You should take care that you don't bite off more than you can chew.

 

I wrote Ch. 1 11 years ago.  I wrote Ch. 2 and most of Ch. 3 the weekend before last weekend.

I've already got a plan in concerns to her killing ability and her skills. Is what I've got convincing considering her strength at least?

 

11 years ago? What made you pick your story back up? Also I noticed in Chapter 2 that your MC bowed. Did he pick that up from his habit for anime and VN's? Or was it a sign of respect? I'm intrigued by the fact that he likely picked up those mannerisms from anime. An interesting detail. Then again I could have seen a connection that wasn't there. That's always a possibility.

 

Oh, and adding a summary for my story was a really interesting touch, I like that.

[sanahtlig]

I just accepted her strength under suspension of disbelief, with the assumption that she was some sort of martials arts master.

 

As for my inspiration, it came from this thread actually.

 

It was in some ways, rather touching. I felt like I could really get behind what he was thinking there, as I have had things be brought back after years of stuffing them into the darkest corners of my mind. For better or for worse, thinking about it again has a profound effect, and this is also had me wondering how Brian fared in his life after this.

 

I would read that. In fact, I need to read that.

 

Congratulations. You have hooked me. xD

[sanahtlig]

Also I noticed in Chapter 2 that your MC bowed. Did he pick that up from his habit for anime and VN's? Or was it a sign of respect? I'm intrigued by the fact that he likely picked up those mannerisms from anime. An interesting detail. Then again I could have seen a connection that wasn't there. That's always a possibility.

[Stick1314]

You are correct that it's a gesture he picked up from Japanese culture.  Brian is essentially a weaboo.

That is an interesting detail to have. I assume that he picked up anime as a sort of coping mechanism for what happened to his father and sibling? Or did that stem from what's relevant to your own interests?

[sanahtlig]

Brian resembles me in a lot of ways.  Why?  Because it's easy to write about myself in a realistic manner.  No research required.

[Stick1314]

Brian resembles me in a lot of ways.  Why?  Because it's easy to write about myself in a realistic manner.  No research required.

How did the idea for your story come to you?

 

Also, concerning your summary, what made you think that the guy has superhuman abilities? And what made you put your summary there in the first place?

[sanahtlig]

The idea for Ch. 1 was inspired by a combination of anime, VNs, and my own life.  I wrote it shortly after watching Shingetsutan Tsukihime, which inspired the general mood.  Ch. 2 onward, which has very different themes, was inspired squarely by VNs.  And in fact, I've made many of my inspirations pretty clear: they're actually the games Brian plays (with more to come).

 

I added the summary since it's standard to do so in formal reviews.  I got the impression the "antagonist" has superhuman abilities from his strength, which appears to exceed the protagonist's (whose strength was already sort of doubtful), and because his wounds appeared to heal / close instantly.

[Stick1314]

The idea for Ch. 1 was inspired by a combination of anime, VNs, and my own life.  I wrote it shortly after watching Shingetsutan Tsukihime, which inspired the general mood.  Ch. 2 onward, which has very different themes, was inspired squarely by VNs.  And in fact, I've made many of my inspirations pretty clear: they're actually the games Brian plays (with more to come).

 

I added the summary since it's standard to do so in formal reviews.  I got the impression the "antagonist" has superhuman abilities from his strength, which appears to exceed the protagonist's (whose strength was already sort of doubtful), and because his wounds appeared to heal / close instantly.

Was there a reason behind the anime series that you decided to choose?

 

Would there be any way that I could make her strength somewhat believable? Also, what do you think of her reaction to the punch? Does it seem about right or should I add more detail? Do you have a suggestion to make it more of a reasonable reaction (i.e. it having a lasting effect rather than immediate ones, like not being able to keep down food properly and the like)?

[sanahtlig]

Yes, I do think about what anime and games are depicted.  These serve multiple purposes: symbolism, vehicles to discuss certain themes, and a means to reflect on or influence the characters.  Some choices may have had more thought put into them, and therefore have more importance, than others.

 

I'm not an expert on martial arts.  I do know females don't typically excel in upper body strength.  Their hormonal balance doesn't lend itself well to body building.  If I were going to write a female character who excelled in hand-to-hand combat, I would focus on technique and agility rather than overpowering strength.  But I probably would just avoid making a topic I know a little about an important element of my story.  That's why my story mostly centers on subject matter I'm familiar with or have expertise in.  A top-class writer would spend a great deal of time researching exotic story elements; I'm content simply writing about what I know.

[Stick1314]

Yes, I do think about what anime and games are depicted.  These serve multiple purposes: symbolism, vehicles to discuss certain themes, and a means to reflect on or influence the characters.  Some choices may have had more thought put into them, and therefore have more importance, than others.

 

I'm not an expert on martial arts.  I do know females don't typically excel in upper body strength.  Their hormonal balance doesn't lend itself well to body building.  If I were going to write a female character who excelled in hand-to-hand combat, I would focus on technique and agility rather than overpowering strength.  But I probably would just avoid making a topic I know a little about an important element of my story.  That's why my story mostly centers on subject matter I'm familiar with or have expertise in.  A top-class writer would spend a great deal of time researching exotic story elements; I'm content simply writing about what I know.

What if she did training to build her strength prior to enrolling in the army for the specific purpose of joining? Would that work? If it doesn't, is there a way I can make it work, seeing as how the antagonist (Nice job catching that he's the antagonist btw) has superhuman abilities? For example, I could make her have something similar but in some way different? Maybe it can be something that I could reveal later?

[sanahtlig]

There's a limit to the strength a typical female can achieve without taking anabolic steroids.  You can invent a reason, but that's normal physiology.  I guess you could make her a "super soldier", the subject of some sort of experimental therapy that has given her extraordinary strength.  Is there any particular reason she needs to be super strong?  You don't need extraordinary strength to be an effective killer.

[Stick1314]

There's a limit to the strength a typical female can achieve without taking anabolic steroids.  You can invent a reason, but that's normal physiology.  I guess you could make her a "super soldier", the subject of some sort of experimental therapy that has given her extraordinary strength.  Is there any particular reason she needs to be super strong?  You don't need extraordinary strength to be an effective killer.

[sanahtlig]

Experimental testing of anabolic steroids began in the 1930s.  They obviously have unpleasant side-effects, especially for females.  You could build roid rage into your insanity profile I suppose.  Just be aware that many in your audience will be far more knowledgeable about this topic than you are, as body building is a common American past time, so you'll have to study hard to pull it off convincingly.

 

 

 

And with the right amount of skill she can take care of all who threaten or oppose her with brute strength alone

That's empirically demonstrated to be false.  Special forces rely mainly on firearms for a reason.  No amount of skill will save you from an assault rifle at medium range with no nearby cover.  And if you're surrounded by gun wielders, you're done, even with cover.

[Stick1314]

Experimental testing of anabolic steroids began in the 1930s.  They obviously have unpleasant side-effects, especially for females.  You could build roid rage into your insanity profile I suppose.  Just be aware that many in your audience will be far more knowledgeable about this topic than you are, as body building is a common American past time, so you'll have to study hard to pull it off convincingly.

 

 

 

That's empirically demonstrated to be false.  Special forces rely mainly on firearms for a reason.  No amount of skill will save you from an assault rifle at medium range with no nearby cover.  And if you're surrounded by gun wielders, you're done, even with cover.

So, it would be advisable for her to carry a sidearm in case things go south?

[Stick1314]

Experimental testing of anabolic steroids began in the 1930s.  They obviously have unpleasant side-effects, especially for females.  You could build roid rage into your insanity profile I suppose.  Just be aware that many in your audience will be far more knowledgeable about this topic than you are, as body building is a common American past time, so you'll have to study hard to pull it off convincingly.

 

 

 

That's empirically demonstrated to be false.  Special forces rely mainly on firearms for a reason.  No amount of skill will save you from an assault rifle at medium range with no nearby cover.  And if you're surrounded by gun wielders, you're done, even with cover.

Sanahtlig, I would like to apologize for last night, I was tired and didn't answer some of your questions with the amount of detail that I probably should have. I hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night and the tired started hitting me harder than I realized. Although I'm tired even now that I've had some rest, I should be able to explain why I did most of what I did in the story. Hopefully, anyways. Oh, and a bit of a warning for anyone else that reads this: Beware, large amount of text incoming.

 

First, the reason she doesn't carry a gun. The simple answer, other than her preferring to use her hands, is the fact that she's, for lack of a better terminology, overconfident in her own strength. That, and If she carried a gun she'd have just been able to put a bullet (or several) in Ostromir's head and been done with it. Though in most cases she actually feels she doesn't need one.

 

Second, her strength. She's not strong for no reason. There actually is a deeper reason behind her having it, in terms of plot. In fact, just about everything that I've put in has something, though it may not be immediately apparent, to do with the overall plot. There are exceptions to that of course, but gist of what I'm saying is that about 80% or so of what I've written has some meaning. Especially her actions. One that I'll actually explain is the fact that she ate. Had she not eaten and gotten punched on an empty stomach with that amount of force, it's likely that she would have died, if not suffered some serious problems. I'll just put the next ones out there. There's a reason she killed those two in the forest. There's a reason she punched the mirror. There's a reason as to why she killed the spies, and framed Ostromir for it. You get the idea.

 

I've thought most of this out in advance, especially taking into consideration my plans for the story. In fact the original idea that this story came from, namely the first scene I came up with, hasn't even been brought up at this point in the story, and won't for some time. And I will admit that, yes, it's not exactly good for almost everything to have to do with something else, but the reason for that is the fact that I'm bad with thinking of scenes in which are mundane enough for the character to go about doing and it just being there for realism, so to speak. That's one of the reasons I'd asked for suggestions on that, because most of the time I'm unable to do so. If you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.

 

One thing that I've wondered though. What makes her seem insane? When you first brought that up, I thought that was an interesting observation. One that I, surprisingly, hadn't considered. Ironically enough though, I love insane characters in fiction. Especially writing them.

[sanahtlig]

In the age of automatic weapons, melee is typically a last resort, rather than the other way around.  This is fiction, so there's leeway, but don't delude yourself that a skilled melee specialist would have the upper hand in most situations.

[sanahtlig]

Your protagonist appears to kill others on a whim in rather inventive ways that are more brutal than efficient.  She seems to enjoy killing.  In another environment, I could easily imagine her as a serial killer or terrorist.  Also worth noting is that the military generally prefers obedient lackeys that follow orders over unpredictable lone wolf types that would just as soon kill their allies as their foes.

[Stick1314]

Your protagonist appears to kill others on a whim in rather inventive ways that are more brutal than efficient.  She seems to enjoy killing.  In another environment, I could easily imagine her as a serial killer or terrorist.  Also worth noting is that the military generally prefers obedient lackeys that follow orders over unpredictable lone wolf types that would just as soon kill their allies as their foes.

Does all of what I explained make the overall picture of the story and her character a little clearer?

 

That first sentence made me smile. She uses whatever she can to kill people. Whether it's her hands, a bear trap, a saber or even a toothbrush, she will kill them with it. If it's not lethal, she'll make it lethal.

 

She unpredictable, but when it's a certain situation, she is predictable in a sense. For example, when it comes to where she is/who's around her. If she's in the presence of certain people, like the commanding officer, or a general crowd she acts perfectly normal and won't do anything to cause her to be scrutinized. She waits until there's little to no people around to get the job done. That's why the whole military hasn't tried killing her yet. They aren't aware of what she does. She's able to keep it under wraps. One of the soldiers attempted to kill her, but that's because he got suspicious.

 

I just remembered something in your story. Why did you abbreviate hour? It looked a bit weird to me.

[sanahtlig]

I'm a scientist.  I'm used to abbreviating measurements.  I'm actually not sure what the standard in general fiction is.

 

You're free to have your own ideas about your own characters and setting.  I'm just a single voice that's read the introduction to what appears to be a larger work in progress.  I can't see the greater picture of what's in your head, nor can I speak for others who might actually prefer a fantastic style over a more realistic one.  I should caution that older readers have less tolerance for what they might see as flights of fancy.  You'll have to decide whether that's a demographic you want to appeal to or not (maybe not).

 

As for myself, I'm interested in appealing to a general audience.  While many of the elements in my story are drawn from anime and games, I think that "otherness" could just as easily be a draw as a handicap.  Just as news headlines about an unfamiliar topic might draw curious eyes, I hope my story can provide a glimpse of the culture I live and breathe from a vantage point the average person has never considered.

[Stick1314]

I'm a scientist.  I'm used to abbreviating measurements.  I'm actually not sure what the standard in general fiction is.

 

You're free to have your own ideas about your own characters and setting.  I'm just a single voice that's read the introduction to what appears to be a larger work in progress.  I can't see the greater picture of what's in your head, nor can I speak for others who might actually prefer a fantastic style over a more realistic one.  I should caution that older readers have less tolerance for what they might see as flights of fancy.  You'll have to decide whether that's a demographic you want to appeal to or not (maybe not).

 

As for myself, I'm interested in appealing to a general audience.  While many of the elements in my story are drawn from anime and games, I think that "otherness" could just as easily be a draw as a handicap.  Just as news headlines about an unfamiliar topic might draw curious eyes, I hope my story can provide a glimpse of the culture I live and breathe from a vantage point the average person has never considered.

[sanahtlig]

You're inventive.  I'm sure you could find a way to explain what an ex-German or ex-Allied agent would be doing in Poland.

 

I'm working on this story instead of working on my dissertation as I should be.  My funding comes from NIH grants.  That should give you an idea.

 

The chapter boundaries are a bit arbitrary.  I'm not sure if I'll start a new chapter or not.  I'll try to update this weekend.  I write in short bursts, pausing before scene shifts (***) only if overwhelmed by exhaustion.  You can see the timing and quantity just by looking at the post history in this thread and the story thread.  I post as soon as it's written, basically.  I'm not a heavy reviser.  What you see now, by and large, is how it came out as I wrote, since I edit each sentence as I go.