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[Sparkker]

Hmm, I just want to see people's reaction in the story I made before. I really can't find any will (At the moment) to continue.

It's just 11 pages..(before)

Story Name: OTP (Nope, I won't tell the abbreviation meaning)

Side Stories: Fuwan Abyss (At IRC page. PS: I'm putting that in hiatus.)

Remember: The story is just a draft... No major edits has been made yet and typos are sure to be there. There may also be wrong tenses and such..

I've posted this before but I've changed some things from left to right.

Note: I've revised it a bit. A very minor edit. ^_^/>/>/>/>/>/>/> As advised by Rooke.

Paused: Have many things to do till the end of the week.

Prologue: What is now is not today

The Piece System, a system which most known and unknown races abide to. The Piece System is like an RPG-like system due to a person being able to “Lvl up” while hunting monsters. The Piece System’s Shir is the currency of all beings using the system.

The Piece System splits parties into 3 classifications: The Permanent Pact, Party Pact and Mercenary Pact. These pacts define people’s group today. If you’re in a Permanent Pact of a strong person, no matter how weak you will be feared.

It was this System that made many different kinds of people meet.

Chapter 1: Let’s troll around

Melshikor, a city that was known for its prosperity and richness, a city in Earth which equals to Serzili of Hell and Omishi of Heaven.

Multiple races are allowed to live in this prosperous city. Although other cities, has the same rule. This was the best place for any race to live. There is no racism here due to the fact only few lived here.

The creator of the Piece System lives here, as well as the super pop idol, Kushi. Many more celebrities and famous figures lives here which makes this city extremely costly for those wanting to live here which made the population count low, however.

In such a city, there was one peculiar man. He wearing a black suit, a tie and black pants like any simple butler will do. He has a handsome face yet has an unapproachable aura. Like a butler troubled by his master, he walked through this prosperous city of Melshikor as if he was looking for something.

In this Era, there are two main languages, English and Japanese. Many people might wonder why Japanese is in there. The answer is simple. It was simple because many loved anime and things related to it.

During these times, English and Japanese are being said consecutively. These times if you said, “Hello”, your friend can reply back at you with, “Konnichi wa(Hello) or maybe, “Hi”.

In the middle of this prosperous city, Kushi was holding a concert and there was his destination. He wasn’t troubled by the fact that he was going to get late. He was troubled if he could go there without getting sidetracked. It’s not because he easily gets distracted. It was because he easily gets bored.

Walking through the large yet non-crowded streets of Melshikor was simple. The bright light of the stadium dawned upon him and with people chanting Kushi’s name in sight, he knew he was there and he knew that they knew he was there.

Kushi was behind the stage, peering outside from time to time. She was looking for someone, specifically him. It was only a few more minutes till her concert.

He’s late. She thought. She was anxious whether he will come to this concert or not. Soon enough, she caught sight of someone wearing a butler-like uniform. With that sight, she was overjoyed. He was there and so she immediately started the concert.

“Minna-san(Everyone), are you ready?” shouted Kushi, as she jumped onto the stage.

She was wearing her usual pink, frilly, maid-like dress, while holding pink magical mike. Her eyes shone like an amethyst. Her smile brightens up people.

“OOOOOOOO!”

The crowd roared as they heard Kushi’s voice. Though, some are baffled since the concert started earlier. It really was a trivial matter since it’s her concert.

Known to all people, her idol outfit also served as her combat attire. It was truly amazing how her costume can be that flexible so that she could actually use it in combat. Actually, the mike is also considered a part of her costume.

Most people would say, actually girls would often say it, “Even I can’t say Kushi-chan is Kushi-chan if she’s not holding her mike. It might be weird for first time fans to hear it but for us who supported her for a long time, it would simply be wrong if ever that mike is removed from those hands during a concert.”

“3-2-1! La-la-la….”

Kushi concert began. Kushi started of with simple humming. Slowly, she began singing her lyrics. The beauty and melody of Kushi was simply overwhelming. She also danced with the tune of her melodies making her more graceful than ever. Every space of the stage was utilized by Kushi’s movements.

Somewhere behind the stage, He noticed she is there. Even though he was watching Kushi, He knows she is there.

Behind the stage, there was a girl. She was the same as Kushi, she was also waiting for him. She also wears the same dress as Kushi. She was fidgeting with anticipation. She was gone for a month. Her injury has finally healed and thus it was time for her return to the spotlight.

Midway of the concert, there was an intermission and there Kushi announced a shocking news,

“Minna, Shiri IS BACK!”

Shiri, Kushi’s partner, if you hadn’t known any better you would have simply thought it was Kushi’s little twin sister. Her fragile looking body was so cute that even non-lolicons couldn’t resist. She may look like a fragile little girl on the first look. However, looks can really be deceiving since Shiri was really a very energetic and powerful girl.

After Kushi’s announcement, Shiri energetically jumped on the stage.

“For those who forgot or don’t know me, let me introduce myself again. Atashi wa Shiri-chan deeeeeesu. Yorushiku.” (I am Shiri, Nice to meet you!)

“Shiri… you mean her…”

Shiri was gone for a month or so due to an injury in her right arm and both her legs. If it was her legs, she could have simply returned by using flight magic as a substitute for her broken legs. However since most of the time, the mike was held at her right arm. She thought that people would think that the way she wore her outfit wrongly due to the interchanging of the arms used. Using healing magic, it could have been healed in matter of minutes but she kept insisting that she wants it to heal naturally. Naturally, people can just force it at her however having the strength that can match Kushi’s, it might be a wrong move to do so.

Many people don’t know her because most of the people in the concert are just new fans of Kushi’s ever growing fan base. The spike of new fans was incredible during the time she was injured. Many new races were discovered during her time of injury, starting by the Alliance of Three consisting of Shenir, Water elementals, Porshi, Earth elementals, and Kishao, Fire elementals and so on. Though all the people in the Alliance of Three know her, none have really seen or heard her perform live.

The most controversial fact in the Alliance is how all of their leaders are girls.

In Kishao, their leader is said to be a loli-girl named Desharu, while in Porshi, their leader is the somewhat immaculate, Tsugai and as for Shenir, their leader’s name remains to be unknown but it is a confirmed fact that she is a girl.

Well, though there are no discriminations about it, it is still very mysterious how girls came to lead such powerful alliances.

After the short intermission, Kushi and Shiri continued the song as a duet. Kushi complements Shiri’s part while Shiri brings more power to her part.

There he is in the midst of the crowd observing, interested yet uninterested, to simply put it, he was too familiar with it or was he? Even he doesn’t know the answer to that, though he truly knows, he doesn’t. The music doesn’t feel dull but it lacks something. Was it a certain emotion? A certain shine? Or was it simply his imagination? He doesn’t know yet he knows. He was truly an unreadable person.

With Kushi's final line, the concert ended. Everyone in the stadium was satisfied. The total number who attended the concert was at least 50 million. If you ever think about it, if a stadium could hold at least 50 million people is built in Melshikor. How huge is Melshikor? Was the Earth ever that wide? The answer to that was simple. It was because of magic.

In these times, magic was widespread. People now knew that the Solar System was nothing more but an illusion. The reason nothing was there because nothing was really there. Only outside the Solar System were there other life forms. However by no means do they use starships or the likes to travel from planet to planet. They simply teleport and that’s it.

The use of vehicles could be considered rare at some parts due to <Teleport>. It was a basic magic that all people know. Though it could be refined to many different uses, any people could completely do so. It is also the basis for skills such as <Flash>, <Blink> and many more.

As many would wonder before, won’t <Teleport> be abused? If one could go to different places from time to time, won’t it be the cause of many robberies and such?

Nowadays, only a few people dare to rob. Secondly from the start, <Teleport> can’t be spammed anywhere since an anti-teleport field can be made in seconds. However, this field only restrains <Teleport>.

A few moments later, everyone started leaving the stadium. One by one, they returned to their homes. He stood there, waiting for everyone to leave. A normal teleport would take at least a few seconds. However, some people headed to either Kushi or Shiri and ask for pictures or autographs and some would go to the stands and stalls in the stadium. He looked around lazily as time passed by. Finally, the whole stadium has only a few people left, only the staff and janitors and such can be seen left. Seeing the coast was clear, he headed to Kushi and Shiri’s backstage room.

“Let’s see… Let’s embarrass the two,” he mumbled to himself. He waited for a while. The reason was for this baseless wait was unknown. He looked at his watch, 11:26 pm. 2 minutes have passed.

“Let’s go!”

With certain precision, he turned the knob and carelessly entered the room. Normally, barely any people would be allowed to enter here. This place is the sanctuary of idols, a place where every fan dreams to be in. Luckily, He was one of those who can enter this place. In there, he saw the two idols stark naked. No clothes, no nothing, and so, the two idols completely turned crimson as the two saw him.

As if wanting to embarrass them more, he talked in a monologue like manner to increase the effects on the two, “Fluttering long, pink hair, beautiful body, bouncy mountains, something a boy dreams to see. Followed by which a petite yet tasty looking body, a similarly pink yet short hair, a delicious combo. As expected from the two idols, I’m happy seeing this beautiful sight.”

He said it like a pervert yet he wasn’t a pervert. After the monologue, the girls turned much more crimson. It wasn’t because they were embarrassed, however. It was because they were flattered by the compliment. They completely lost sense that they were naked. They just stood there flattered by his words. Never did the girls think of covering themselves.

“Hmm… Think it’s time to embarrass them again”, he thought. Following his plans, he stared at them. Tick-tock, Tick-tock, a deep silence only the sound of the clock can be heard. Tick-tock, Tick-Tock, finally, the idols noticed that He was hinting something. They noticed he was looking at their direction.

They looked behind themselves and so nothing, just a small screen.

~Ting~ a small sound was produced, He made the sound as if signaling that it was the hint. Finally, they dreadfully looked at themselves and remembered they were changing.

“Kyaahh!”

And then, they covered themselves with their hands and ran behind the screen.

“If this were an anime, people would usually see the protagonist get beat up. However, this wasn’t anime nor was this a manga. This was real life.”

He declared. There was completely no shame, no embarrassment, no remorse, no regret, no reflection, when he declared this. He simply let out the words he was thinking.

The girls were still changing their clothes behind the screen. If he wanted them to change right in front of him, the girls wouldn’t hesitate and follow. If that were to happen, normally, any person would think that the girls were being blackmailed. Why would a beauty prostate himself to someone? Considering the fact that they are considered the strongest? However, this was never the case. It may have been during the third recreation of Life but during these times it was not the case.

The girls came out with the same clothes. No change, simply none. The only change was that their mikes were hidden somewhere in their clothes. He looked at them with nothing more but pure amazement. He could never get used to their beauty. They were simply that radiant.

“Eto…”

Shiri stuttered. Her face was still crimson. It seems that she wants to ask a question but she was far too embarrassed to say it. Though she knows there is no reason to be embarrassed, she was. She was fidgeting all around that both he and Kushi could completely notice. On a prior note, Kushi face is still crimson as well.

“Hm…”

Noticing her movements, He raised an eye. As soon as that happened, Shiri froze up. Her emotion was a mixture of fear and embarrassment.

“Micchaimashita ka?” (Did you see it?) asked Shiri, while turning her face sideways.

“See what?” He played dumb. He knows that she was referring to her body.

“Atashi no Karad…” (My bod…)

“Chotto, Chotto, Chotto.” (Wait, Wait, wait) Before Shiri could finish her sentence, a certain twin-tailed girl entered the scene. She slammed the door open, so hard that the door and wall were destroyed when they collided.

“Damn you, what are making a pure maiden say?” She fiercely glared at him with pure anger. In no sense did he feel threatened by the glare, he knows that there’s nothing really to fear.

“Oh really? Why are you here? Are you some kind of stalker, Amete?” He rebutted her back with a daring look.

“You’re wrong...” her voice trailed off while looking away from him. She was shocked. Though she knows that he will ask that question, she was still shocked.

“Oh really?” He asked again, this time his tone more daring than the first. He looked at her with a daring look like those protagonists, who are abused in someway or another, teasing the heroine with their secret hobby.

“I said you’re wrong!” She snapped.

“Abyssal Flames!” Amete blasts purple fire towards his direction. <Abyssal Flames> A fire skill imbued with poison qualities. The color of the flame is purple to show that the flame is imbued with poison. Once hit, the targeted unit’s organs will slowly die off and eventually kill the target. This skill is an extremely powerful one as it combined <Plasma>, a high level fire skill, and <Ivy>, a rare poison skill.

“Futile… Shield!” He created a weak barrier in front of him to defend him from the attack.

Anyone in the right mind would think to use a stronger barrier than <Shield> to protect themselves. However, he is unreadable. He does whatever he feels to. He doesn’t know even if knows. He’s weak even though he’s strong, a person unreadable enough to actually confuse himself.

Soon enough, the flames hit the barrier. As a result, Amete was left exhausted and was also defeated.

In a normal person’s point of view, they would think that when the flames hit the barrier it penetrated through it and hit the person behind. However, the truth was far from that.

As soon as the flames hit the barrier, the barrier encircled the flames and vanished along with the flames. With split second reaction, He rushed to Amete’s side and attacked her multiple times. However, Amete dodged all of them but was left exhausted.

The exhausted Amete looked to where he is and saw him smiling. With one final effort, she tried casting <Abyssal Flames> again.

He reacted. Instead of letting her finish the spell, he also cast <Abyssal Flames> to her.

Amete defended herself rather than finishing the spell. He can cast the same spell faster than her. Though it just takes a fraction of a second to cast <Abyssal Flames>, he can do it even faster.

Exactly as she finished setting up her defense was the exact time the spell will hit her. This wasn’t a coincidence. He exactly timed when and when things will happen. He always does when he feels like it.

The flames hit Amete’s barrier. The flames failed to penetrate through. She was exhausted and yet not a single sweat was wasted by him. In the end, she gave up.

This all happened before the fog, created by the collision of Amete’s barrier and His flames and not the other way around, disappeared.

“*pant* I told you, I’m not. *pant*” She forcibly said. This time though it had no power and the convincing effect earlier.

“If you really didn’t do it, why are you so desperate to convince us?”

Amete froze. She was caught by her own action and words. She attacked him for no good reason and this was enough for them to conclude that.

“I—I---I to-to-to…” She tried to speak up but she was stuttering too much.

He looked directly at Amete then nodded to himself, “Un, Un, so Amete-chan really was stalking me.”

With the conclusion made, Kushi and Shiri nodded along with him. Though from the start all of them really knew she was stalking him.

“So Amete-chan is a lovey-dovey tsun-tsun girl.” After a few minutes, Shiri teased.

“I said, “No!” How could I be in love with that man?” She waved her hands as she frantically denied Shiri’s assumptions.

Amete was a goddess. At heaven, there is something what they call the 5 Royal Goddesses. Currently, she is wearing her casual clothes. She is a tsundere. She has the classic tsundere twin tail hair. However, no matter where you look, she was a disproportioned loli.

The 5 Royal Goddesses was an elite group of angels which specialized in their own abilities. At the moment, the Goddesses names haven’t been released to the public. Only bits of information known from rumors and such are known to the public. However barely anyone truly knows who they are, only their powers are known.

The 1st Goddess is known at her great use of the night and terrain. It is said that if she teamed up with her opposite, the 2nd Goddess, they create dangerous situations for any foe.

The 2nd Goddess is known for her ability of the sun. It is said that she manipulates the sun to divert, distract, confuse and ambush her enemies.

The 3rd Goddess is known for her ability with rain and water. People presume that she is the leader of the Shenir tribe due to her outstanding ability with water.

The 4th Goddess is still wrapped with mysteries as some say she is a succubus. It is said that even though many opposed to her being Goddess, they simply can’t do anything about it. She is good though she is a Demon. End of story.

The 5th Goddess is said to be the Goddess of Maids, a powerful angel that can beat you spick and span. She’s a powerful maid with powerful tools. What more can be said?

From his entry into the city, she was already following him. She was moving so silently so she knew that he won’t notice him. However she knows that no matter how sneaky she is, she can’t hid from him. He just ignores her presence though he knows she is there.

She describes him as a contradicting person. A person who does good for the sake of evil, vice-versa, reveals trump cards during needed times and many more.

Amete looks down in despair. She can’t get out of this situation anymore. It was a dead end.

“Nee-chan!” Just when all hope is lost, a little girl calls for her. The little girl was wearing a purple gown that matches perfectly with her long primrose hair. She was as elegant as Amete if you remove the Tsun part of her.

The little girl moved closer and hugged Amete.

“Mou, Goshujin-sama, Onee-chan ga hidoi…” (Jeez, Master is so mean to my sister..) The little girl struck a complaint as she comforts Amete.

Isn’t it supposed to be the older sister who comforts the little one? He, Shiri and Kushi thought at the same time. It certainly was something. The little sister was the one giving the more mature-aura rather than the older one.

“Okay, okay, break up the drama.” He looked at the two sisters. They looked like they were trapped in the corner by the evil villain.

“Eh?” Amete shoved the little girl in surprise.

“Ouch…” The little girl landed on her back. Amete came to her and helped her up.

“Onee-chan, hidoi!” The little girl pouted at her with an angry glare.

“Gomen, Gomen, Tsume…” (Sorry, sorry, Tsume) This was her only choice left. Confronted with Tsume’s semi-pouting looks, she was left with no choice but apologize unconditionally.

“Here, here, Tsume-chan, come to Master. Get away from that mean disproportioned tsundere girl. The only thing she can boast is her breasts.” He called in Tsume while provoking Amete in the process.

“Yada!” (No) Tsume replied like a child, “Onee-chan isn’t mean.”

“Here candy…” He brandished off a candy which he took from his pocket.

Tsume was being tempted. Candy! Candy! ~short pause~ *Shakes head* Yada! I must standby Nee-chan’s side! But the candy… Tsume was split, should she choose the candy or standby her sister’s side?

Well even if she can show a mature aura she is still younger than Amete, so I’m pretty sure I can tempt her with this. This is what He was thinking, though he really doesn’t care where this will go.

Tsume was still split. She was hesitating to go for the candy. However, that would mean siding with her master and leaving her sister behind. She could never do that unless needed.

He brandished off the candy in front of Tsume’s tempted eyes. Tsume looked at the candy dreamingly. He waved it left to right and Tsume’s head follows the direction where it goes.

“Ei!” A girl in a purple maid dress holding a vacuum like a cannon, chopped him from behind.

“Mou, Zere-sama wa Hidoi.” (Geez, Zere-sama is mean) The girl exclaimed. The girl, who is as tall as him, wore a semi-angry look as she glared at him.

“Oh come on, Elshi. Why did you tell my name? I mean I’ve been masking my name ever since I entered the city.” Zere exclaimed.

Zere Calafere, a very unreadable person. He is extremely strong yet all of his actions never show signs of that. When he fights, he loves to intentionally lose. When the situation can be turned, he exposes his trump card which makes them lose. When all is lost, he can create new hope. He can win, he can lose yet it really varies upon his mood.

Elshi is the Goddess of Maids. She is a maid that Zere met a long time ago. Before Elshi doesn’t really have the skill of using maid tools efficiently. However after being Zere’s side and meeting one of his other pieces, she learned new ways to use and fight using her tools. Currently, she is wearing a red maid outfit which was the basis for Kushi and Shiri’s uniform.

After the chop, the candy fell out of Zere’s hand. Tsume’s face slowly distorted. The scene was like a character saying, “NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O” in slow-mo with its dramatic soundtrack.

Actually, Zere cast a spell which made the dramatic soundtrack real. It was a comedic moment. The candy dropped at a dramatically slow rate. Still Tsume was still doing the “No” thing and so, Zere reached out for the candy.

Zere’s hand went for the candy. It was almost there. Almost there. Tsume thought, and then, “Woops..” Zere retracted his hands.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” Tsume fell to her knees dramatically to lament for the fallen candy. The candy that fell was a very delicious brand which costs a fortune. It literally costs a fortune since you could by 3 houses with its price.

“Nightfall! Come here.” Tsume called for her lion pet. Nightfall, a lion dyed with black and white fur, intimidating fangs and blessed with great agility and strength. She was raised by Zere and given to Tsume, however. Nightfall also has a human form but rarely becomes human unless, mostly, Zere or Tsume wants her to.

Nightfall was raised inside the Porshi Clan. Porshi isn’t really made up of pure wolves. They also had hybrids. The reason why most looks like wolves is because the main bloodline is wolves. Nightfall was rare existence in the Porshi Clan. She was blessed with beauty and great ability of hunting in human or lion form.

Tsume mounted herself on Nightfall and prepared herself for battle.

Well, let’s just go with her flow. Zere telepathically messaged Nightfall.

There’s nothing better we can do but seriously? Did you have to enrage Tsume? Nightfall replied back.

Let’s just leave it be. She’s starting. Zere alerted.

Zere received a message: Tsume challenges you to a duel. He clicks yes and so the duel starts.

3! 2! 1! Begin! The sound of the siren marks the start of their duel.

“Grace of the Moon!” Tsume chanted. Now the moon grants her a buff which increases her damage. As a side, none of it will really matter as both of them are extremely strong people that can one hit each other.

“Sun’s duplication!” Zere blocks out the moon and creates a fake sun, which makes Tsume lose her buffs.

“Nightfall Disappearance…” Tsume destroys the fake sun, creates a new moon and fades with the dark terrain.

Hmm, why is she circling around? Zere wondered? Tsume even though barely visible was detected by Zere as she circles around him.

Oh well, I’ll just play along. “Nightfall Disappearance…” Zere also fades in the dark terrain.

<Nightfall Disappearance> is a skill made by Nightfall which makes her blend into the terrain at night. The reason for this skill being made is because sometimes, during night, just hiding and pouncing at the prey is not enough. Since before, she was not as fast as she is and has a hard time catching up with her prey which escapes during the night.

“Eh?” Tsume lost sight of her master. Muuuuuu, Mastaa used the same skill.

“Nightfall locate master.” Nightfall raised her head in alert. He was nowhere to be found.

He’s hiding from us again. Nightfall transmitted. Since she doesn’t like to speak words in lion form, she mostly just transmits it telepathically.

[Fox_DL]

This has incredible potential. I hope you get to continue this.

[Yeah Way]

Your introduction/explanation, though interesting, was poorly written; and needs revision. It has a very casual overtone; giving the feeling that someone in particular is telling me this, which is okay if intentional, but otherwise unprofessional.

This line is probably the best single example: "However, this doesn’t imply that you can’t get out of it. It just has ridiculously hard requirements for you to get out."

I'll probably post more as I read.

[Sparkker]

Your introduction/explanation, though interesting, was poorly written; and needs revision. It has a very casual overtone; giving the feeling that someone in particular is telling me this, which is okay if intentional, but otherwise unprofessional.

This line is probably the best single example: "However, this doesn’t imply that you can’t get out of it. It just has ridiculously hard requirements for you to get out."

I'll probably post more as I read.

Everything, by the way, is written really inside a very big " ".

Though the explanation for that is at the very end of the story which I WON'T PROBABLY REACH.

I made it that way to compensate for my poor writing.... ^_^/>

EDIT: The end of the story as I approximate is would be at least 1500 or more pages... Which is pretty .... you know...

[Yeah Way]

Everything, by the way, is written really inside a very big " ".

Though the explanation for that is at the very end of the story which I WON'T PROBABLY REACH.

I made it that way to compensate for my poor writing.... ^_^/>/>

EDIT: The end of the story as I approximate is would be at least 1500 or more pages... Which is pretty .... you know...

Good to hear that. I hate having to assume the writer's just doing it wrongly when reading online.

[Yeah Way]

That said of course, there's an important difference between poor writing and character-narated writing.

[Sparkker]

That said of course, there's an important difference between poor writing and character-narated writing.

Well, as described the MC is damned weird...

Small fact about the ending:

He is depressed while he is telling this whole story..

Here I wrote this up, This is what the ending might look like.

Fact: The - Pre Arc - is the one you're current reading.

Now, in this dark abandoned warehouse, lies this depressed male.

His name is Zere. After losing the girls he loved the most, he went here.

Even though, the events were expected. He can't prevent himself from being sad.

He had nothing else to do but remorse so he decided to tell his story to himself once again.

"Once, the universe was Nothing. Literally, Nothing, and yes it is a name. However, Life wanted to persist at Nothing. Sadly, she can't since Nothing is nothing.

One day, Nothing noticed Life. She was being born but fades as fast as she was made. Nothing, who had nothing better to do, decides to let Life persist.

Thus, Life as we know started. Nothing, now, created the 3 main worlds. Namely, Heaven, Earth and Hell. How did he get to know these names?

It was because he, himself, told him that this would be their names. The he that told him that was a future version of him.

His future version guided him on what he must do. - An Arc happens - After so, the everything was recreated again, - Next Arc - again, - Next Arc - again, - Next Arc - and again, -Next Arc -.

Now, he comes to another point in his life. This time everything will be different. - Pre Arc - The restart was unlike any others, since Zere had to do everything from scratch and so, - Next Arc - after so, the restart that comes after that is where he came from, this was it's depressing story - Next Arc - Now, in this dark abandoned warehouse, lies this depressed male.

His name is Zere. After losing the girls he loved the most, he went here.

Even though, the events were expected. He can't prevent himself from being sad.

He had nothing else to do but remorse so he decided to tell his story to himself once again.

- Retold - (Of Course, he omitted it, he's not that stupid.)

The story now ends and his face brightens up. There was a small knock in the abandoned warehouse door. After so, 30-50 girls entered. All of them, tear-eyed, rushed towards him for a dramatic hug. However, he evaded it.

"Mou, Master ga" said some of them.

"Mou, Zere-sama wa" said those girls near him.

"Mou, Goshujin-sama ga" said the others.

Lastly, "Mou, Otou-san ga"

"HIDOI!" "

Cute ending right? For me to reach that end I have to tell all 8 mentioned arcs.

[Yeah Way]

Well, as described the MC is damned weird...

Small fact about the ending:

He is depressed while he is telling this whole story..

Here I wrote this up, This is what the ending might look like.

Fact: The - Pre Arc - is the one you're current reading.

Now, in this dark abandoned warehouse, lies this depressed male.

His name is Zere. After losing the girls he loved the most, he went here.

Even though, the events were expected. He can't prevent himself from being sad.

He had nothing else to do but remorse so he decided to tell his story to himself once again.

"Once, the universe was Nothing. Literally, Nothing, and yes it is a name. However, Life wanted to persist at Nothing. Sadly, she can't since Nothing is nothing.

One day, Nothing noticed Life. She was being born but fades as fast as she was made. Nothing, who had nothing better to do, decides to let Life persist.

Thus, Life as we know started. Nothing, now, created the 3 main worlds. Namely, Heaven, Earth and Hell. How did he get to know these names?

It was because he, himself, told him that this would be their names. The he that told him that was a future version of him.

His future version guided him on what he must do. - An Arc happens - After so, the everything was recreated again, - Next Arc - again, - Next Arc - again, - Next Arc - and again, -Next Arc -.

Now, he comes to another point in his life. This time everything will be different. - Pre Arc - The restart was unlike any others, since Zere had to do everything from scratch and so, - Next Arc - after so, the restart that comes after that is where he came from, this was it's depressing story - Next Arc - Now, in this dark abandoned warehouse, lies this depressed male.

His name is Zere. After losing the girls he loved the most, he went here.

Even though, the events were expected. He can't prevent himself from being sad.

He had nothing else to do but remorse so he decided to tell his story to himself once again.

- Retold - (Of Course, he omitted it, he's not that stupid.)

The story now ends and his face brightens up. There was a small knock in the abandoned warehouse door. After so, 30-50 girls entered. All of them, tear-eyed, rushed towards him for a dramatic hug. However, he evaded it.

"Mou, Master ga" said some of them.

"Mou, Zere-sama wa" said those girls near him.

"Mou, Goshujin-sama ga" said the others.

Lastly, "Mou, Otou-san ga"

"HIDOI!" "

Cute ending right? For me to reach that end I have to tell all 8 mentioned arcs.

You can do it! I will be by your side.

[Fox_DL]

These are the lines that I had the most difficulty understanding.

In the middle of the city, Kushi, an idol, was holding a concert and there was his destination. He wasn’t troubled by the fact that he was going to get late. He was troubled if he could go there without getting sidetracked. It’s not because he easily gets distracted. It was because he easily gets bored. --- I thought that the whole paragraph was about Kushi. I initially thought that Kushi was a guy but later confirmed in succeeding paragraphs that she was a girl.

Walking through the large yet non-crowded streets of Melshikor was simple. A bright light of the stadium dawned upon him and with people chanting Kushi’s name in sight, he knew he was there and he knew that they knew he was there. --- I think this line was meant to build up tension but I really can't understand it. I really am sorry.

Kushi was behind the stage, peering outside from time to time. She was looking for someone, specifically him. It was only a few more minutes till her concert. --- Since you said it yourself that "Well, as described the MC is damned weird... " Give him a headslap for me will yah? :D/>/>

I am also in the process of writing a story. The lines I've seen from my own work are even worse. I wasn't drunk when I was writing but it looked like I was when I reviewed the drafts. The mechanics of the universe you created are pretty good.

I only have a problem with teleportation though. The possibility of materializing in a space already occupied by someone or something will be prevalent. Since 50 million people attended the concert, there's a huge chance that the headline next morning will read "3 million dead after attending Kushi's concert" I can just imagine Kushi surrounding herself with lawyers to ward off incoming lawsuits :D/>/>

You can get around that by writing about the use of save points which generates a field around a space. No one or anything can occupy that space if it's in use. Or you can just include that people use scanning magic first before they teleport to any place they wanted to prevent accidents. Either way, that opens the door for you to come up with a villain who found a way to sabotage the main means of transport.

I still stand by my word that your story has great potential. Good luck and hope you get to finish it :D/>/>

[Sparkker]

These are the lines that I had the most difficulty understanding.

In the middle of the city, Kushi, an idol, was holding a concert and there was his destination. He wasn’t troubled by the fact that he was going to get late. He was troubled if he could go there without getting sidetracked. It’s not because he easily gets distracted. It was because he easily gets bored. --- I thought that the whole paragraph was about Kushi. I initially thought that Kushi was a guy but later confirmed in succeeding paragraphs that she was a girl.

Walking through the large yet non-crowded streets of Melshikor was simple. A bright light of the stadium dawned upon him and with people chanting Kushi’s name in sight, he knew he was there and he knew that they knew he was there. --- I think this line was meant to build up tension but I really can't understand it. I really am sorry.

Kushi was behind the stage, peering outside from time to time. She was looking for someone, specifically him. It was only a few more minutes till her concert. --- Since you said it yourself that "Well, as described the MC is damned weird... " Give him a headslap for me will yah? :D/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>

I am also in the process of writing a story. The lines I've seen from my own work are even worse. I wasn't drunk when I was writing but it looked like I was when I reviewed the drafts. The mechanics of the universe you created are pretty good.

I only have a problem with teleportation though. The possibility of materializing in a space already occupied by someone or something will be prevalent. Since 50 million people attended the concert, there's a huge chance that the headline next morning will read "3 million dead after attending Kushi's concert" I can just imagine Kushi surrounding herself with lawyers to ward off incoming lawsuits :D/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>

You can get around that by writing about the use of save points which generates a field around a space. No one or anything can occupy that space if it's in use. Or you can just include that people use scanning magic first before they teleport to any place they wanted to prevent accidents. Either way, that opens the door for you to come up with a villain who found a way to sabotage the main means of transport.

I still stand by my word that your story has great potential. Good luck and hope you get to finish it :D/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>

Actually, I'm just hiding the protagonist's name... I've planned already a line saying that , "Why'd you have to go say my name? Can't you see that I hid my name throughout the time when I entered the city? Not a single hint of my name was said. "

I can also re-edit it since it might get confusing.. (Maybe I'll do that)

Edit: I double checked the phrasing and it's correct: In the middle of the city, Kushi, an idol, was holding a concert and there was his destination. Since it doesn't say that Kushi is the one going to the concert but rather our MC.

About this he knew he was there and he knew that they knew he was there: Hmm, there's a typo there. It should go "He knew she was there and she knew he was there.

Edit: Seems like I was wrong. Re-read it again and the "They" refers to Kushi and Shiri.

It's just saying that the MC was there and the two girls also know the fact.

About tele: There is restrictions by the Piece System. But I'm still finding a place where I can put it.

Note: That line isn't final.

PS: If you read the spoiler, then you already know his name. ^_^/>/>/>/>/>/>/>

PSS: Kushi isn't the MC.. She's just one of the heroines.

PSSS: Re-read this if don't get my point above,

In such a city, there was one peculiar man. However in no sense can he be noticed as peculiar. He may be called peculiar yet at the same time he seems normal. He wears a black suit, a tie and black pants like any simple butler will do. He has a handsome face yet has an unapproachable aura. Like a butler troubled by his master, he walked through this prosperous city of Melshikor as if he was looking for something.

In the middle of the city, Kushi, an idol, was holding a concert and there was his destination. He wasn’t troubled by the fact that he was going to get late. He was troubled if he could go there without getting sidetracked. It’s not because he easily gets distracted. It was because he easily gets bored.

Walking through the large yet non-crowded streets of Melshikor was simple. A bright light of the stadium dawned upon him and with people chanting Kushi’s name in sight, he knew he was there and he knew that they knew he was there.

Kushi was behind the stage, peering outside from time to time. She was looking for someone, specifically him. It was only a few more minutes till her concert.

He’s late. She thought. A few more minutes passed. Then he caught sight of someone wearing a butler-like uniform. With that sight, she was overjoyed. He was there and so she immediately started the concert.

After that it's her concert, + The MC is the one she's waiting for.. ^_^/>/>

Any other errors: I'll fix it as soon as possible .. Grr, I'm getting confused now... CURSE YOU MC OF MY STORY!

[Fox_DL]

PSSS: Re-read this if don't get my point above,

In such a city, there was one peculiar man. However in no sense can he be noticed as peculiar. He may be called peculiar yet at the same time he seems normal. He wears a black suit, a tie and black pants like any simple butler will do. He has a handsome face yet has an unapproachable aura. Like a butler troubled by his master, he walked through this prosperous city of Melshikor as if he was looking for something.

In the middle of the city, Kushi, an idol, was holding a concert and there was his destination. He wasn’t troubled by the fact that he was going to get late. He was troubled if he could go there without getting sidetracked. It’s not because he easily gets distracted. It was because he easily gets bored.

Walking through the large yet non-crowded streets of Melshikor was simple. A bright light of the stadium dawned upon him and with people chanting Kushi’s name in sight, he knew he was there and he knew that they knew he was there.

Kushi was behind the stage, peering outside from time to time. She was looking for someone, specifically him. It was only a few more minutes till her concert.

He’s late. She thought. A few more minutes passed. Then he caught sight of someone wearing a butler-like uniform. With that sight, she was overjoyed. He was there and so she immediately started the concert.

After that it's her concert, + The MC is the one she's waiting for.. ^_^/>/>/>

Ahahaha, yeah it made more sense now.. thanks!

[Sparkker]

Update- At 12 and a half pages.. A very troll moment will happen in that 1 and half addition.

[Darklord Rooke]

I'm going to split this up over a couple of posts.

It needs a general revision. You need to tighten up your prose and make your language more precise (to avoid confusion,) fix up your grammar and make sure you don't confuse your tenses.

Avoid info dumps - avoid info dumps - avoid info dumps. Once more for good measure. Avoid info dumps.

If you're writing in 3rd person then show, don't tell (there's lots of exceptions to the rule, but it's a good rule of thumb.) Don't tell the reader it was this place where every possible life form could come, live and exist, describe your setting and show (through your description of everyday life in the city) that it was a place where every possible life form could live and exist. Or reveal it through conversation (your character could be racist and hate that the city is overrun with *insert race here*.) Same deal with Only the richest of the rich can stay here. Though this city is extremely huge, the number of people is ridiculously low. and In such a city, there was one peculiar man. However in no sense can he be noticed as peculiar. He may be called peculiar yet at the same time he seems normal. This ties in to the above point as well. Show your info to the reader, don't give your story a prologue and write a lot of information about the piece system. Don't tell the reader that the city has 2 main languages, instead show people talking in both Japanese and English.

Get rid of needless adjectives and adverbs. the crowd roared AS SOON as, - it was TRULY amazing - she can ACTUALLY use - SIMPLY amazing - ENERGETICALLY jumped etc.

Pay attention to how you pace your novel. If Kushi had to wait a few minutes, don't write a few minutes pass and launch right back into your story. You while away the time on descriptions: what's happening around her, what she's thinking about, what she's feeling, so the reader actually has a sense that a few minutes have actually passed. Your character starts analysing things and your perspective as a narrator widens.

Learn to write using most of your senses. Smell, touch yada yada

[Darklord Rooke]

Here's something take from Holly Lisle's website which you need to read:

At the beginning of your story, especially if you’re doing a novel and are writing about your own world, you’re going to have to give people some description so they’ll know where they are. However, even in a solid block of description, if you keep the background moving, you’ll bring the scene to life and keep your readers interest.

Here’s an example of what I mean, taken from the novel Diplomacy of Wolves.

So Kait Galweigh stood off in one corner at the Dokteerak Naming Day party and scanned the crowed while she pretended to sip a drink. The Dokteerak Family women in their gauzy net finery clustered beneath the broad palms in the central garden, chatting about nothing of consequence. Torchlight cast an amber gleam on their sleek skins and pale hair and made the heavy gold at their throats and wrists seem to glow. They were decorative- –Kait’s Family had such women, too, and theirs was the fate she so desperately wished to escape. The senior diplomats from both Families, Galweigh and Dokteerak, gathered in the breezeway that surrounded the courtyard, leaning along the food-laden tables, nibbling from finger servings of yearling duck and broiled monkey and wild pig and papaya-stuffed python, telling each other amusing stories and watching, watching, their eyes never still. Concubines flirted and primped, tempting their way into berths in the beds of the high-ranking or the beautiful. Dokteerak guardsmen in gold and blue propped themselves against doorways, swapping racy stories and tales of bravado with Galweigh guardsmen in red and black. Outland princes and the parats of other Families and their cadet branches drifted from group to group, assessing available women the way hunting wolves assessed a herd of deer.

When you’re finished reading this one paragraph, you have an idea of the social and political structure and technological level of this part of the world, social mores and morals, the weather that evening, the climate of the region, and at least a suggestion of the social standing of the characters. And if I’ve done my job correctly, you’re interested enough in what the people are doing that you don’t see the things I’ve slipped in with them. Did you consciously notice the palm trees, the presence of monkeys and papaya on the menu, the women dressed in gauzy clothing? Tropical climate. Did you notice concubines, decorative women, uniformed guardsmen, outland princes, Families with a capital F? Complex social structure with a number of conflicting political models, sexual mores different than those of middle-class America, and the presence of a definite hierarchy. Torchlight? The possibility, if not yet the certainty, of a lower-tech world. The Naming Day Party? An unfamiliar celebration of some sort and something that obviously is of some importance.

What other rules did I use in this paragraph? Description Rule Two: Forms of the verb “to be” are your enemy.

I did not write, It was a hot night, or The Dokteerak women were beautiful but immoral, or The food on the table was strange. Those would have been really boring sentences.

If you’re telling, you can’t be showing, and when you describe something, you want to show it. You don’t want to tell about it. Think about a car salesman. He wants you to buy the car. So does he tell you how great it is? No, he drags you out, sits your butt in the drivers seat, and lets you smell the leather interior, wrap your hands around the steering wheel, peer through the windshield, and feel the way it moves with you as you drive it through city streets.

Let your readers drive your world.

Taken from: http://hollylisle.com/the-description-workshop/

Also http://hollylisle.com/honing-your-talent-a-workshop/

Any budding author should take the time to read Holly Lisle's site.

[Sparkker]

I'm going to split this up over a couple of posts.

It needs a general revision. You need to tighten up your prose and make your language more precise (to avoid confusion,) fix up your grammar and make sure you don't confuse your tenses.

Avoid info dumps - avoid info dumps - avoid info dumps. Once more for good measure. Avoid info dumps.

If you're writing in 3rd person then show, don't tell (there's lots of exceptions to the rule, but it's a good rule of thumb.) Don't tell the reader it was this place where every possible life form could come, live and exist, describe your setting and show (through your description of everyday life in the city) that it was a place where every possible life form could live and exist. Or reveal it through conversation (your character could be racist and hate that the city is overrun with *insert race here*.) Same deal with Only the richest of the rich can stay here. Though this city is extremely huge, the number of people is ridiculously low. and In such a city, there was one peculiar man. However in no sense can he be noticed as peculiar. He may be called peculiar yet at the same time he seems normal. This ties in to the above point as well. Show your info to the reader, don't give your story a prologue and write a lot of information about the piece system. Don't tell the reader that the city has 2 main languages, instead show people talking in both Japanese and English.

Get rid of needless adjectives and adverbs. the crowd roared AS SOON as, - it was TRULY amazing - she can ACTUALLY use - SIMPLY amazing - ENERGETICALLY jumped etc.

Pay attention to how you pace your novel. If Kushi had to wait a few minutes, don't write a few minutes pass and launch right back into your story. You while away the time on descriptions: what's happening around her, what she's thinking about, what she's feeling, so the reader actually has a sense that a few minutes have actually passed. Your character starts analysing things and your perspective as a narrator widens.

Learn to write using most of your senses. Smell, touch yada yada

^_^/>/>/>/>/>/>/>/>.. Well, it still lacks editing and just a rough draft.> I'm planning to finish everything, in this arc, first before going into edit mode. (Since I know it won't be finished if I edit from time to time)

Edit: AGHH, You made me conscious about it now... Grr, I'll try to suppress my desire to edit it.. and everything else that refers to the 3rd POV blame that to my MC.. He's weird as hell, he's someone that can confuse even the writer himself.

Edit 2: Well, I see that I really can't suppress my desire to edit.. I'll see right to it... but it might take so much whiles... (Since I'll rebuild the info dump into a battle scene(If I can). + I need to describe the daily life.. and etc. etc.)

Edit 3: I just edited the parts you wanted to be edited. Since I really want to continue the story. Lost half a page. back to 13 pages.

PS: It's just only in an acceptable form, it's not yet godly edited. (Since I can't do that)

[Yukata Lover]

Interesting. :D/>

I hope that story of your's be a big hit.Even though I never read it. (Because I want to spare it like the rest of my books and couldn't bare to finished reading the rest at all, After all, Everything that excite me will end with sadness that I couldn't bear for the rest of my life)

(I've even have issue about writing my ending after all it is sad ending for a happy story like that) (But right now, I'm thinking of an epilogue to my story)

[Sparkker]

Interesting. :D/>/>/>

I hope that story of your's be a big hit.Even though I never read it. (Because I want to spare it like the rest of my books and couldn't bare to finished reading the rest at all, After all, Everything that excite me will end with sadness that I couldn't bear for the rest of my life)

(I've even have issue about writing my ending after all it is sad ending for a happy story like that) :(/>/> (But right now, I'm thinking of an epilogue to my story)

Actually, my only problem here is that the story is sooooo longggg.. 8-9 arcs.

By arcs, it is still split up to many things.. Like Semi-arcs and so on.