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Tah Dah! Presenting My Work In Progess!

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I could break it down the way I did in writing community (Go through the whole structure, sentence composition, writing style, impression and grammar), but I reckon it'd be better if I kept it short for now. Your draft feels either rushed or too rough, you threw out the general outline of what you wanted to write down from your head and moved on, ultimately leaving out any fleshing out of details or attention to the flow of your story. The dialogues are simple and lacking description on how characters carry it out, from my impression it was like reading a rough dialogue from B-C class anime, especially the way you presented the fundamentals of exchanges themselves. In writing world, they call this "abundance of Tell", meaning you push your story forward by stating the bare minimum (skeleton). What this could definitely use is an intelligent infusion of "Show", meaning you show the reader more closely the details on how exactly something happened. 

Now, keep in mind the reader takes about 3 to 5 minutes to judge the worth of the story and whether to really continue or not. The way you start your story is like simply and plainly being told generic settings of a story by somebody during a banter, nobody much would really pay it much mind, not to mention the feelings of "plain" would barely draw in many. What you're lacking there is what's called a "hook", so called reason for the reader to be actually interested in your story and bother with it. There are many ways of using a "hook", it can even be a "reverse hook", and it's not exactly a 100% necessity, but I do reckon the way your story's carried out in the first chapter thus far is unimpressive and won't go far. You get to the interesting part late and don't flesh it out.

I could perhaps elaborate more on what I meant and perhaps give some examples, but I'd leave that up to you whether you want to listen to my criticism or not and how you'd like to improve. I'm stern in criticism and I might be wrong, but I'm honest when it comes to my standpoint. Your works feels like "japanised" novel, namely by anime and some perks of japanese light novels, and I reckon that's not now a novel is carried out. You have just plain text there, your whole writing and how others accept it rides on that text, and you should keep that in mind, try and see your writing from the reader's view. I hope I've helped you a bit.

Good luck and have fun in writing,


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