Zodai Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 So, I've been looking for feedback on my writing drafts. I'll keep this short to avoid biasing you in anyway, but these are mostly unedited and meant for feedback rather than being made to impress. Let me know if anything pops out at you or if anything is unclear, including your general thoughts on the drafts and your favorite/least favorite ones. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me here or in a PM. I may also ask for some elaboration or further details on your end as well. Currently, drafts 1-5 are finished. You can read them in a google doc, or in the spoilered tabs below. Apologies for any formatting errors. https://docs.google.com/document/d/17tHRKRf_MUgYsswZDGBrClYJSqXtCG_8i-oDOtvB1e4/edit ~~Draft 1 DRAFT 1. A mysterious shadow lingers in my vision. Pink flower petals float through the air, reflecting off the sunlight from overhead. I’d been told his name was Sasuraba Aoi, though it seems like the other children haven’t quite noticed him. He’s been lingering there for as long as I can remember, but truth be told that isn’t very long. My name is Yoruba Shizu, written with the characters for silence and night. Approximately between the ages of nine and ten, entering into Kinbara Elementary as a fourth-year student. Male. I have short black hair, dark eyes, and I’m a bit tall for my age as well. The school’s uniform is a deep blue, with short sleeves and pants that reach just above my ankles, as opposed to the girl’s skirt reaching halfway below the knees. Aoi continues on the opposite side of the street. Under normal circumstances this would be abnormal, but nobody else ever seems to pay attention to him. Following a pack of children to school seems notably suspicious. He wears a long blue trenchcoat, and his brown hair is just barely visible under a black baseball cap. His eyes are a deep azure, but it would be rare for one to ever get to confirm that. The other children are being loud. It’s still early in the year, so they haven’t settled into any particular groups yet, but the crowd surges forward regardless. I couldn’t turn back if I wanted. I think I see Aoi let out a chuckle, but he’s too indistinct to say for sure. I’m told I was found with a broken pair of glasses, but they haven’t gotten me any new ones yet. So my vision remains particularly faint. The clouds breeze through overhead, casting shadows on the ground below. There’s quite a few, but it doesn’t look like it’ll rain before school lets out. Most of the children are carrying their books (I don’t have a backpack yet, so I just left my books at school), making the long and arduous journey all the more unpleasant. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone fainted before the spring’s end. The school’s gates come into view. Two stone columns at least a quarter-century old, with a bronze plate containing the school emblem (shared with the Silverose family emblem) on either side. In all honesty, it’s quite the extravagant display, especially for a public facility. Aoi hops the fence to the side and lightly steps onto the grass. Seems to be his favorite route. After that, the main garden comes into view, with a vast arrangement of flowers bathing in the shade of a lone sakura tree. The path is covered with those pink petals from earlier, and they float into the air with a single breeze. It tends to get messed up on a fairly regular basis, so some poor soul usually has to fix it before all the students get here. If they’re lucky, then maybe they found a place to nap for an hour or two. The children’s steps echo across the halls, though there’s so many of them it would be impossible to count. It’s too early for this. Can I go back to sleep? I already know the answer, but I’m asking anyway. There are quite a few teachers here walking around too, though I don’t really know their names. There’s one older man with a walking cane, an older woman with a golf club (Don’t ask me why.) and that first-year man that keeps shooing away the birds that come in through the window. People don’t seem to like him. My class is on the third floor, so I hasten my pace and take a detour through storage. A nearby teacher seems to have heard about me from Kinbara-sensei, so he lets me through without too much trouble. The main route is usually too loud. There’s a rusty elevator used for heavy objects (Most of the maintenance is reserved for the public spaces) so I’m able to get to the top without too much difficulty. For some strange reason, the elevator stops in the girls’ bathroom. It’s never really bothered me, as nobody ever seems to be using it, but it’s still a bit weird. There are a few butterflies roaming around in the halls, as is normal this time of day (Though I’m not really sure why that is.). The principal seems to be making the morning rounds to all of the teachers, though this usually doesn’t take any more than a few minutes each. “Now, now. Are you sure you don’t have any problems?” …Didn’t he ask that yesterday? “I’m sure, I’m sure. There isn’t anything severe right now.” The man replied. His name is Sakuya Kinbara, known as Prince Silverose amongst the city public, but amongst the class, a simple Kinbara, or ‘Kinbara-sensei’ will usually suffice. ~~~ ~~Draft 2 DRAFT 2 Night. A cold breeze flows through the air, and a full moon shines in the starless sky. A single lantern hangs off a nearby building, as I pace across the sidewalk. This isn’t a city you would find on any map. Nor is it a city that you would be very likely to seek out. This is a land that exists outside our common earth, and yet it is a place within all of human existence. Thus, it is ‘The City with many names.’ The buildings are reminiscent of a bygone era – wooden shacks two, three stories high, and candlelit lamps light up the night with an illuminating presence. On one hand, this is a land without hope – the sun never rises, and the night sky is forever devoid of stars. On the other, it is the resting place of everything unknown to man. Some would pay a thousand lives to get here, if they knew it existed. Unfortunately, the world is not that simple. This is a place where people rarely use their real name, but I suppose I should introduce myself. You may call me Mayonaka Reiki. Male, ten years old. Although age isn’t something that holds much value here. There are two kinds of people in this world. One roam the streets in worn robes, walking along until they reach their destination. They usually don’t stay here for long. These are what would be known as ‘humans’, myself included. They don’t usually come here on their own. One would assume they come from all over the world, but nobody knows for sure. These robes exist for a reason. As for the other kind of person, you’ll find out soon enough. My shoulder bumps into another passerby, and we both fall to the ground. My face smashes against the rough dirt, and a drop of blood slides down my cheek. This isn’t the kind of place you want to get hurt. I quickly readjust my hood and turn my head to the other party. A girl, looking to be about my age. She manages to cover her face, but her movements are haphazard and weak. They aren’t the kind of precise steps you would see from someone more experienced. Though in all honesty, I wouldn’t count myself amongst them either. “You would do well to get out of here.” I get on my feet, and continue forward. There wouldn’t be much of a point in continuing. This place has a sinister effect on mortals. You don’t come here without a purpose, though that purpose usually has nothing to do with you. A pillar of smoke rises into the air. The smell of inferno heats the ground underneath. It’s about half a kilometer away. The flames can be seen over the roof of a nearby building. A faint glow, growing brighter by the second. Someone could probably die. Truth be told, I wasn’t really sure what would happen if a regular person died here. Perhaps they have a heart attack in their sleep, or fall off the bed and break their neck? An explosion rocks the earth, smashing at its core for a brief moment. This doesn’t concern me. I have nothing to do with it. The girl tugs on my arm. Why is she still here? I’m not looking back. I have no reason to. Besides, what if I see her face? What then? If we’re enemies, doesn’t that mean we’ll be threats in the real world? What if she sees mine? What then? She begins to tug me in the direction of the fire. This is still a detour to my destination, so I don’t have the strength to disagree. What if we run into a Resident? What then? Wouldn’t we just be adding to the fire? I’m too tired to voice my objections. The air is weighing down on my body, and the smoke begins to crawl its way through my lips. I’m weak. Let go already! We’re going to get killed, can’t you see that!? Go home! I try to pull away, but it only strains my bones further. Our feet rush across the dirt path, pacing faster and faster with every passing minute. Isn’t she in pain too? We’re only human. ~~~ ~~Draft 3 DRAFT 3 Kaita Perfecture, about two months ago. Under the Yamate Overpass. My hands are stained in blood. Why is there so much? The gun falls from my palm and comes to rest at my feet. The girl falls over in an unnatural position, and a creek of blood flows out of her forehead. She’s young. Her name is Hyokori Shiina, otherwise known as Kori-chan. Mid to late twenties, maybe early thirties if you could stretch it. I should know the age exactly, but it isn’t coming to mind at the moment. She’s wearing a white, easily visible jacket, and below that is the frilly black dress she always wore when we were in school. Her hair is a bright brunette, and if she were standing she’d be a bit shorter than me, at about 169 centimeters in height. Her eyes have begun to roll backwards into her skull, and the sight of it briefly haunts me. She’s smart. She should have been able to tell this would happen. Why did she come? Or maybe, is this what Kori-chan wanted all along? …There was a lot more blood than I was expecting. I slowly regain my senses and take in the surroundings. We’re under a bridge, surrounded on all sides by water except for a small path back to shore. The concrete is soaking wet from the rain, and the thunder should’ve drowned out the sound from the gunshot. She’s wearing some sort of a weird perfume, and the smell mixes in with the rain. My nose hurts. As for me, I’m wearing a full black suit, aside from the splatter of blood covering me from head to toe. It’s flexible enough to work, and my running shoes should help me get out of here quickly enough. My hair is soaked in its entirety, and a bit of blood got into my eyes too. I’m crying. On second thought, it’s just the rain. I can’t tell. It’s pouring down my face and it won’t stop. How long have I been standing here? I toss my gun into the river. It should wash off any fingerprints, and it would be bad if someone found it on me near here. I realize I’m wearing gloves halfway through, but toss it anyway. I feel like throwing up. After that, I toss her jacket in as well. She’s too easy to notice if she has it on. I always liked it when she wore that black dress. It looked cute on her. I prop her upright and cover the face with a nearby rag. Hopefully it isn’t too messy for her. There seems to be a bit of traffic above us. I won’t be able to take a cab regardless, but it looks like the police won’t be able to get here for a while. That should be convenient. Our bags are still resting together nearby. I don’t open hers despite my curiosity; it wouldn’t be nice to go through a dead girl’s things. There isn’t much in mine, but I go through it anyway. There’s a knife a brought as backup, and a few good books I brought along after I ran away. I put the knife into it’s sheathe and store the both into my side pocket. I put the books in Kori-chan’s bag. I loaned them to her shortly before disappearing, so it shouldn’t be odd that my fingerprints are on it. …There’s a mask. The original owner died a long time ago. I knew quite a lot about him, but it isn’t something I like to remember. The color is a pure white, and there’s nothing resembling a mouth or a nose – only two small slits for the eyes. The mask of a faceless knight. I put it on. It helps to cover the blood. Some might call this the birth of a hero, if I end up particularly lucky. Kori-chan’s corpse still lies nearby. I’m no hero. I cut up the bag with my knife, and toss the rags into the river. I won’t be needing it anymore. It’s cold. I shouldn’t have dressed so lightly. I run up the path as quietly as I can, and think of somewhere to hide while I climb up the stairs. I hear voices. Somebody’s coming. The air is heavy, and my blood freezes on the spot. I’m scared. I hop the railing and drop to the concrete seven steps below me. I almost slip on the landing, but manage to keep my balance. The rain flows through the engraved cracks in the cement, and a line of lampposts light the pier for a few more meters. Large and Fat walk down the stairs at a fair pace. They’re her bodyguards. That’s the kind of family she’s from. I recognize their voices. They’ve gotten older. Despite the odd nicknames, they’re both capable of killing me without much effort, and they usually have a loaded pistol in their right pocket. The only reason I can be sure they haven’t noticed me, is the fact that I’m not dead yet. I break for the end of the pier, keeping my steps as quiet as I can. It’s a dead end, but I can bide my time while I wait for them to pass. That’s good enough. The pair walks in tandem with a careful stride. The ground shakes with their every step, and the puddles of rain splash in every direction. They’re both dressed in black, full-body attire. A large, black cloak often used to conceal a layer of bulletproof vests, and they both wear hats with a wide brim to conceal their faces. There’s no doubt they’ve done some dangerous work in the past. I don’t want to die. Large, the one walking on the right, has a long ponytail reaching about halfway to his waist. He stands at a little over 200 centimeters, far taller than anyone you probably know, with a cold stare that can kill a man’s hope in a single glance. His limbs are slender and long, and he bends his back forward while he walks. He keeps a set of four knives in his gloves, and would rip a man’s heart out of their chest if it were the simplest method of killing them. Fat is to the left. He isn’t as tall as Large – I’m about the same as him if we stood straight. His shoulders are at least half a meter apart, and his biceps are easily the size of a bowling ball. If you punched him in the face, he wouldn’t so much as flinch – instead he’d rip your head off and throw it against the wall. One of the few willing to set off a nuclear bomb for personal amusement, and has no qualms about breaking a mother’s neck in front of their youngest child. …I’ve been lucky to not have to fight them until now. If she didn’t trust me, I’d have been dead long ago. I sneak over to the shadows and take cover behind a nearby trash bin. It isn’t fancy by any means, but it isn’t ugly either. Sometimes the simplicity of its design can be important all its’ own. Large and Fat make their way down the steps without too much difficulty. A blast of thunder hurls forth from the opposite shore, and the pouring rain drips down upon my head. The sound of raging wind hurls through the air, and my clothes are drenched in a cold, heavy liquid. My hand reaches for my knife, and the chill of the night freezes my bones to the core. “Hey, hurry up! What are you waiting for?” A young Kori-chan’s voice enters my head. A faint memory. My name is Kagaru Ichiba. It’s nice to meet you. ~~~ ~~Draft 4 DRAFT 4 A white blanket gently falls across the city. The lights sparkle overhead like a set of man-made stars, and the bustling passerbys pace back and forth without much regard for their surroundings, glued to their phones for some reason or another like they are all the other times of the year. It’s cold. The ice melts on contact with my face and the frozen chill seeps through my skin. It doesn’t usually snow around here, so we decided to head out. It’s only the two of us this time. Don’t ask me why. “Hey, hurry up! What are you waiting for?” Kori-chan notices I’ve fallen behind, so I decide to pick up the pace. She’s always felt far away from the rest of us. It’s a feeling I can’t seem to shake. I’m wearing a fluffy jacket, but I couldn’t find my gloves before we headed out. I keep rubbing my palms together for warmth, and it’s hard to keep up while I’m doing that – I’d considered holding hands, but something tells me that wouldn’t turn out well. Melting snow drips down my face like beads of sweat, and the imprecise shards of ice pierce my skin should they make contact. They do. A lot. I’m not very heavily dressed under the waist either, with a pair of brown slacks reaching down to my ankles. It was warm for a while, but then a passing car splashed into a puddle and they got half-soaked. The cold pierces through to my underpants and I can feel my nether regions shrinking by the second. It’s cold. I can’t tell if I want to go home or not. Kori-chan walks ahead at a brisk pace, with her boots going against the ground at each step. A beige jacket and a long black skirt, most likely in the trying-too-hard fashion most girls tend towards on every occasion, according to dad. I didn’t find it too important either way. Her hair was short, reaching about halfway down her neck, and gentle flakes of snow came down on it one after the other. Isn’t she cold? Why doesn’t she put on a hat or something? Then again, I’m not wearing one either… If you looked closely, you could see she had a pair of black legwarmers on under her skirt. This isn’t the first time she’s worn some, though they look a bit different than usual. Are they new? On that note, why are we even going out today? Is there some sale at a nearby shop or something? I didn’t bring any money, so I hope that isn’t the case… We aren’t talking. Why aren’t we talking? We usually talk when we’re walking like this, like on the way to school. Frankly, we’ve talked so much I would wish she’d slow down from time to time. Why isn’t she talking now? Is she waiting for me? Why? Am I not walking fast enough? Has my face suddenly transformed to that of the raging adolescent? I hope not, but it’s certainly possible. “H-Hey, Kori-chan?” …Crap. I’m stuttering. Why the hell am I stuttering? I’m cold as hell, but that shouldn’t make me stutter. It’s just a basic conversation. Nothing to get nervous about. “Um…-“ I stop. Kori-chan opens her mouth to speak. “We’re here, Ichiba-kun.” Kori-chan seems to have started using my first name recently. I don’t remember exactly when. ~~~ ~~Draft 5 DRAFT 5 “Mama! Where are you!?” The grass cuts at my ankles as I shout. It’s night, and a full moon is in the air. I want to go home, but I can’t. There are bad things there. I'm wearing a white dress I went to sleep in. Mama said I looked cute in it. I didn’t have any time to put on my shoes, so I’m running barefoot as fast as I can. I was asleep up until a few minutes ago. “Where are you!?” I shout. No reply. It doesn’t make sense. The men in black cloaks. They were only here when mama came to visit. If they’re here, she must be here too. So why can’t I find her? It doesn’t make sense. I’m cold. My feet are bleeding; there are sticks and broken glass on the floor. It hurts. I don’t stop. There aren’t many other houses around here. The grass is up to my neck and it’s cutting my face as I run past. I can’t stop to breathe. I might die if I do. Mama said to find her if I ever see them. They’re not nice people. Daddy isn’t nice either. He’s with them. I can’t find her. Where is she? I fall to the ground, and my face smashes against the dirt. Blood drops out of my mouth. It’s dripping faster than I can stop it. I cough, and more comes out. I’ve been running for longer than I can remember. There’s a piece of glass stuck in my foot. I want to pull it out, but that’ll just make it bleed more. I want to shout. But what if someone hears me? They’ll take me back home. I don’t want to go back. I want to find mama. I can see a city on the horizon. Even in the middle of the night, the lights are as bright as ever. Is mama there? It’s so far away. How can I get there? The grass goes on for as far as I can see. There might be a house nearby, but the lights are probably out right now. I wouldn’t be able to see it. If anyone is in there, they might just die if they let me hide. So I won’t ask them. Someone’s coming. I’m breathing so hard. They’ll hear me. How could they not? The people here are too nice. They care too much to just ignore me. So they won’t go away, and they’ll die. “Hm? What’s that sound?” She’s noticed. I recognize her voice; she came to drop off food while Sakumi was in the hospital. I haven’t seen her in a while, but she was good at singing. That’s how I remember her. There are a bunch of bugs crawling on my legs. I can feel them moving. It hurts. Go away. The girl starts pushing aside the tall grass. She’s not as short as me, so it’s a lot easier for her. I can’t move. My body won’t let me. It’s telling me to rest, but I have to get out of here. Why won’t you move? “Hm? What are you doing here?” She says. She brushes away my hair to get a look at my face. Her hands feel nice. They’re better than the bugs. There are a few flies nearby, but she swats them away and brushes the rest of the ants off my legs. She seems to be good at this. “Let’s see…what was your name again?” The girl said. She takes a first-aid kit out of her purse and starts wrapping my foot in something. I think she’s a medical student. She must have been on her way back from school. I heard a lot of adults stay late studying. I don’t want her to die. Go away. Please. She has long brown hair. It’s really nice, it reflects off the moonlight. Her shirt is a bright yellow, and she has a frilly green shirt. She seems to prefer spring colors over anything else. Her knees are showing, and they have bandages on them. Is she injured? “Now…where was your house again? Could you help me find it, miss?” I want her to let go. My mouth won’t open. I’m too tired to speak. I want to shake my arm free, but it’s too gentle. It feels too nice to break free. What am I saying? Let go. Please. It’s dangerous here. Go home. Forget you ever saw me. “Hm? You’re crying. Did something happen?” I’m not. The wind is just blowing really hard, and a bunch of dirt is getting in my eyes. It’s nothing to worry about. Go away. I don’t need your help. Please. I see light. There’s a car coming. It’s those men – their cars are always really loud and old. It makes my ears hurt. She might have heard it for a bit, but she probably doesn’t think much of it. It doesn’t mean anything to her. Their car stopped. Do they see us? She hasn’t noticed yet. She’s going to die. Run away. You can still live. Why are you so nice? Two men step out of the car. They’re in black cloaks. They’re coming this way. Daddy isn’t with them. He’s the strongest. Since he isn’t there, I can still run away. But she can’t yet. She doesn’t see them. The wind is too loud, she can’t hear their footsteps. They have guns. They always do. Why wouldn’t they? There are a lot of bugs. They’re crawling up my skin, and they’re biting every chance they get. It hurts. Why wouldn’t it? One of them pinches my arm, and I can feel the blood pouring out. There’s so many. She’s still focused on my foot, so she doesn’t notice the men. They’re scary. They’re like the bugs. They’re everywhere and you can’t get away. They’ll crawl up your skin and make you bleed everywhere you can. If you get close to the strong ones, they’ll just kill you before you can react. You can’t see them when it’s too dark, and by the time you do it’s already too late. That’s the kind of people they are. She’s still focused on my foot. She’s in the way, so they’re going to kill her. It’s simple logic. What else could it be? “Alright, all done!” She says. She still hasn’t noticed them. I back away as soon as she lets go. “Is something wrong?” Of course something’s wrong. You’re going to die! Get out of here! “You look scared. Can you let me know what’s wrong?” Of course I can’t. I’m too afraid to speak. If they recognize my voice, they’ll know it’s me. If they’ve heard you, they’ll know there’s someone else. They probably already think it’s me anyway. Why wouldn’t they? He raises his gun. I can see it reflect off the moonlight. “…What is it?” She’s completely oblivious. The man’s gun gives off a click before firing. It was really close to her head, so I doubt she wouldn’t be able to hear it. The gunshot pierces the silent night, and I make a mad break for the grass behind me. I look back for a brief moment. There’s a hole in the girl’s head, and she lifelessly drops to the ground. The bugs are already swarming her face, they’ve dug inside her mouth and they’re starting to claw through her eyes. They’re everywhere. I have to get out of here. Far, far away. I don’t have time to stop. I’ll die if I do. They haven’t tried to kill me before, but mama isn’t here right now. There’s nothing to stop them, so why wouldn’t they? I have to find her. I’m scared. The wind is still really strong. It’s blowing my hair everywhere and the dirt won’t get out of my eyes, and every once in a while a big bug will come flying onto my face and start crawling around everywhere. I’m running. I’m pushing the grass out of the way as much as I can, and it’s probably making a lot of irregular movements. But they can’t see it. It’s dark and the wind is blowing stuff around everywhere. I’m going to die if they can. Since I’m not dead, they can’t see it. They’re shooting. Gunshots pierce the air, and I can feel the bullets shake the ground when they land. It’s like an earthquake. They’re close, but they haven’t hit me yet. I need to keep going. I can see the city on the other end of the road. It’s far away. What other choice do I have? If I stay here they’ll find me by daybreak. I can’t be outside then, but if I’m still in town they’ll just search all the houses. There aren’t that many anyway. They’ll definitely find me. It’s a lot harder to search for people in the city. So I’ll go there. It’s dangerous, and there are bad men there, but it’s safer than them, no matter who I find. That’s what I’ve decided. I run. I run as fast as I can. I have to. Otherwise I’ll die. There’s no other choice to make. My feet press against the road. It’s cold and hard, and there are a bunch of rocks that try to poke holes in my feet. But there isn’t any glass, so I guess that’s good. They’re still shooting at the grass. They don’t see me. Light. The streetlight above me flickers on. I heard this one was faulty, so sometimes it’ll go on and off without warning. A lot of them are like this. It’s caused at least a few accidents in my lifetime. The two turn their eyes towards me. I’m fully visible. I feel it. The bullet enters my back like getting hit by a truck, and I nearly fall over. The blood bursts from my back and I can feel the bugs swarming close to it. I heard that some bugs have a scent for blood. I wonder if that’s true. I regain my balance. The bullet lodges itself in my back. I’m bleeding and the pain makes me want to scream with every step. But I can’t. I’ll die if I do, so I keep running. I make it to the other side without getting shot again, and rush under the cover of darkness. I hear their footsteps. They’re still following me. I run, but I can’t tell how fast I’m going. My vision if a blur, but the lights are right in front of me. I just have to keep going. I can make it before they catch me. They’re still shooting at me. I’m not keeping count, but it’s been a lot between the two of them. How much ammo do they have? If they had a clear shot, they could probably kill everyone in this town and still have bullets to spare. It’s probably normal for them. My feet snag on a tree root, and I seem to be falling over. But, something’s wrong. Where did the ground go? I’m falling through the air. If I look ahead, the lights extend much further down. There seems to be a cliffside behind me. It’s dark, but I should’ve been able to notice. Why didn’t I notice it? *SNAP* I scream. The shriek shatters my eardrum and trails off into the night. My right leg shatters on impact, and the shards of bone pierce through my skin in every direction. I can feel my skull starting to crack and there’s a lot of blood in my eyes. I bear the pain and wipe it off, but within seconds it’s already back. I have to keep going. I don’t have a choice. They probably heard that. There’s no way they didn’t. It hurts. The bugs and maggots crawl around my leg and try to dig their way inside. They bite into my skin again and again and again without any end in sight. They always do this. I claw at the ground and drag myself forward. I might faint soon. I have to make it to the city before then. There’s a snake. I read about it on the internet. It has glow in the dark yellow skin, so it’s really easy to see. Other animals think light usually means protection, so it’s quite a useful tactic. Highly dangerous. Known to break an adult’s neck with relative ease. Two to three meters in length when stretched out. Hold still. Maybe there’s something more noticeable nearby. If it senses heat, I might be cold enough that there’s something warmer. Maybe a tiger or something. Or a rat. I hear footsteps. The leaves are crackling under their feet. A black cloak. I don’t have the strength to run away. I can hear the click of his gun, and the footsteps grow closer and closer until I can feel their impact on the ground. He fires. The bullet casing falls to the ground, and the snake’s freshly pierced head falls to the ground. I can see the ground through the hole if I look closely enough. I look up to the man. I should at least see his face. It’s daddy. That makes sense. He’s probably been waiting here for me. He’s smart. He probably knew I’d be injured too. …But, I can’t do anything anymore. My head hurts. He’s smiling. Why? I can’t tell. I want to ask, but I’m in too much pain. That, and the bugs might climb in my mouth. I don’t want them to. Daddy’s arms reach down and pick me up. He’s being careful with my leg. I don’t know why. I’m tired. I want to sleep. I don’t have a choice though. I have to keep running. But my vision goes black, and I fall asleep anyway. ~~~ Thank you for your assistance. Your feedback is highly appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chronopolis Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Hey, someone else who likes writing (I don't have much experience though)! I'll take a look later tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zodai Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Hey, someone else who likes writing (I don't have much experience though)! I'll take a look later tonight. Thank you, it's quite appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklord Rooke Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Had a quick skim through, and by quick skim I mean I read a couple of paragraphs The most noticeable thing is the adjective (and adverb) overuse. Much, much overuse. Adjectives are fine and there are definite uses for them, but you need to keep in mind that they are poor ways to describe things. I counted 3 in one line and when that happens you start to descend into purple prose. Short sleeves? Short is a subjective measurement and doesn’t provide the reader much of an image. Short as in just above the elbow or short as in just below the shoulder? Or maybe they’re short as in “they used to be long, until I was bored one day and had a pair of scissors in my hands..." Cold breeze? Cold as in “Damn, shouldn’t have gone shirtless... and pantless” or cold as in “I’m putting on every shirt I own… and some of yours too.” Nearby building. Nearby could mean anything. Is it the building a few steps to the left of you, or the building you just walked into? Lightly steps. Lightly for a normal person, or lightly for a big fat man. Of course adjectives in moderation are fine (depending on who you talk to.) Also moderate adjective use is fine for scenes you don’t require much detail in. For example, if you’re engaging in a fight with someone or running away from assassins then obviously the pacing is fast and you won’t be stopping to marvel at the absolutely spiffing craftsmanship on those barrels. Adjectives could be acceptable in these situations providing quick, precise yet vaguish information for the reader. But remember! You are painting an image for the reader and adjectives usually provide the bare minimum of detail. This provides the reader with a vague image of the setting. Whether this is appropriate depends on the situation or the objects you are describing. In short, use when appropriate and don’t overuse. Also make sure they help the reader visualise a precise image ("nearby?") or help provide useful information. I’ll let Chrono do the rest cause I’m a lazy man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zodai Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Had a quick skim through, and by quick skim I mean I read a couple of paragraphs The most noticeable thing is the adjective (and adverb) overuse. Much, much overuse. Adjectives are fine and there are definite uses for them, but you need to keep in mind that they are poor ways to describe things. I counted 3 in one line and when that happens you start to descend into purple prose. Short sleeves? Short is a subjective measurement and doesn’t provide the reader much of an image. Short as in just above the elbow or short as in just below the shoulder? Or maybe they’re short as in “they used to be long, until I was bored one day and had a pair of scissors in my hands..." Cold breeze? Cold as in “Damn, shouldn’t have gone shirtless... and pantless” or cold as in “I’m putting on every shirt I own… and some of yours too.” Nearby building. Nearby could mean anything. Is it the building a few steps to the left of you, or the building you just walked into? Lightly steps. Lightly for a normal person, or lightly for a big fat man. Of course adjectives in moderation are fine (depending on who you talk to.) Also moderate adjective use is fine for scenes you don’t require much detail in. For example, if you’re engaging in a fight with someone or running away from assassins then obviously the pacing is fast and you won’t be stopping to marvel at the absolutely spiffing craftsmanship on those barrels. Adjectives could be acceptable in these situations providing quick, precise yet vaguish information for the reader. But remember! You are painting an image for the reader and adjectives usually provide the bare minimum of detail. This provides the reader with a vague image of the setting. Whether this is appropriate depends on the situation or the objects you are describing. In short, use when appropriate and don’t overuse. Also make sure they help the reader visualise a precise image ("nearby?") or help provide useful information. I’ll let Chrono do the rest cause I’m a lazy man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklord Rooke Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Could you give me some examples/quotes of what you mean? Which drafts did you read through? Examples of the adjective use in the drafts? "A cold breeze flows through the air, and a full moon shines in the starless sky. A single lantern hangs off a nearby building, as I pace across the sidewalk." - 1st line in draft 2. " He wears a long blue trenchcoat, and his brown hair is just barely visible under a black baseball cap. His eyes are a deep azure, but it would be rare for one to ever get to confirm that." somewhere in draft 1 I skimmed the first few paragraphs of the first few drafts and picked the problem which most leapt out at me. Sorry, I have no energy today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zodai Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 That's alright. We all have our off days. Thank you for the feedback, and if you have anything else on a better day, feel free to let me know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.