[Kono Oozora H-Scenes Porting Project]

1) 小鳥が俺の背中に、頭を乗せるのを感じた。 I felt Kotori placing her head on my back.

2) よほど恐かったのか、さっきよりぴったりと身体を寄せてくる。 She might have been quite scared, she got much closer to me than before.

3) さすがにちょっと照れるけど、こうしてないと危ない。 I was slightly embarrassed, but it would have been dangerous otherwise.

4) 「汗かいてる……」 You're sweating......

5) 「わりぃ」 Sorry.

6) 「ううん、別にイヤじゃないよ」 No, I don't really mind.

7) そう言って小鳥は、俺の背中に頬をくっつけた。 That said, Kotori pressed her cheek against my back.

「……」 ......

9) 「こうしてる方が安心するから」 I feel calmer like this.

10) 「そうか」 I see.

11) 小鳥がくっついてると、ますます汗をかいてしまうんだが。 Kotori clinging to me, will make me sweat more and more though.

12) かといって離れろとも言えないし…… That said, I couldn't exactly tell her to back off......

13) それに、俺もこうしてるのは嫌じゃなかった。 Besides, it's not that I didn't like it.

14) 「暑くないか？」 Aren't you hot?

15) 「ううん、風が気持ちいいよ」 No, the wind feels good.

 

15 lines -> 3 mistranslations that twisted the original meaning (lines 4, 11, 13), 1 minor mistranslation (line 6), 3 cases of weird English (line 2, 3, 9) plus some insignificant edits. In other words, almost half of those lines needed some fixes, and 20% were completely wrong (and it probably still needs some editing, I'm not 100% confident in my English).

 

The overall TL-quality fluctuates a lot - there are better parts, but there are also many significantly worse scripts, with some fragments that don't make any sense whatsoever (mainly those related to aerodynamics/aviation infodumping, but they also managed to completely mess up some perfectly casual conversations). And stiff/awkward/Engrish sentences will make reading this a chore on the long run.

 

So no, I still claim that the current version is borderline unreadable. Only for fans of machine translations (it IS better than those, hardly an achievement though).

There are many properly translated VNs out there, so I really recommend forgetting about KonoSora for a (long) while.

 

As a native (American) English speaker, I'd say that some of your changes are improvements and some are mistakes.  I'll ignore the lines that were "insignificant edits" for the most part, although I'd agree that most of them are slight improvements on the original.

 

2.  Mistake -- You have a run-on sentence (two independent clauses joined by a comma).  I don't see anything wrong with the original (in terms of English grammar).

3.  First part: Preference -- "A bit" and "slightly" have the same meaning in this context, with "a bit" being much more colloquial.

     Second part: Improvement -- The past tense has been consistently used for these internal thoughts.

4.  Improvement

6.  Improvement, assuming the translation is still accurate to the original Japanese.

7.  First part: Mistake -- You used "that said" correctly in line 12, as a conjunction phrase similar to "but".  The original is incorrect too, however.  Here, I'd probably go with "As she said that".

     Second part: Improvement -- The original isn't necessarily incorrect, but "against" is a more descriptive and probably more accurate preposition.

9.  Improvement, although I wouldn't say they carry the exact same meaning.  If the original Japanese adjective can be translated as calm, then this is better.

11.  Mistake -- Your change is a run-on sentence.  The original's sentence structure (aside from the subject being translated incorrectly) isn't technically incorrect, but I'd prefer "If Kotori keeps clinging to me, I'll sweat even more."

13.  Improvement, assuming the translation is still accurate to the original Japanese.

 

As for the overall translation, I'd say that the biggest issues I had with it was with Ageha's route, especially at its start.  I get that Aoi is supposed to be confused at the initial events, but the translation makes it so that I was completely baffled as to what was actually going on.  I'm still not 100% sure I really understand that route.

 

There are definitely mistakes littered throughout the rest of the script, but like the passage above, the mistakes are not critical to understanding the main meaning of the story.  That said, they can be a bit jarring and diminish the reading experience a bit.  Pabloc is right that there are plenty of properly translated eroge out there (although I still see minor grammatical or typographical mistakes in many of those as well).  The translation work is probably the worst of the ~40 eroge I've played (both professionally and fan translated) and also worse than 99% of the fansubbed anime I've watched.

 

However, I did get through the other 4 routes without it being too much of a chore and, in terms of story, would call this one of my 5 favorite eroge.  If you're sensitive to language mistakes or if you have other titles on your backlog, I'd probably go with those first.  But, if you're particularly anxious to play through this title and can tolerate some mistakes, I'd try the current version of the patch and see how much the mistakes bother you.  I'd avoid Ageha's route at all costs if you give any consideration to reading comprehension, though.

[Kono Oozora H-Scenes Porting Project]

I see no mistakes in translation here.

I'm not the one who posted this initially, but I'm gonna throw my two cents in anyway...

My Japanese skills are weak, but I believe the lines translated as "I'm sweating....." and "she'll sweat even more" don't explicitly state the subject. In my opinion, those lines make more sense with Aoi being the one sweating rather than Kotori.  I realize it's subject to interpretation, but the line near the end "Don't you feel hot?" wouldn't fit the context if Kotori had already stated that she was sweating.  The "Sorry" line fits a bit better this way as well.

[Kono Oozora H-Scenes Porting Project]

Hello--

 

The first post in the thread mentioned that QC volunteers are needed.  Is that still the case?  If so, I'd like to help.

 

I've got the patched version of the game running and have finished 2 routes so far.  After starting the Ageha route, it seemed pretty clear that some work still needs to be done... :-P