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I rather like this section of the forum. Needs more traffic I say. ;)

 

So lets get down to it. Let this be a place where we can show others our creativity. Short stories, poems, scripts, you name it. I think it would be nice to have this as a place for all things creative writing. I don't get the opportunity to share my work with many people, and I think there may be other people out there who feel the same way.

 

Just a friendly place where we can show some of our work. So moving right along...

 

 

Some rules and guidelines:

 

Rules:

 

1. No attacking another member's work. Some of us are very sensitive to other people's thoughts, so please keep that in mind if you are to comment on someone's work. Someone can create a critique thread if that is what they want.

 

2. No double posting. That meaning that you should wait until someone else posts before you post another one of your works. Just to avoid flooding and such.

 

3. Please be respectful. As I said earlier, some of us are very sensitive and are very shy when it comes to our creative works. The last thing we want to do is cut the head off of a potential budding author!

 

Guidelines:

  • If you are posting an excerpt from your work, be sure to use spoiler tags if it is exceptionally long.
  • If your work is hosted on an outside source, just drop the URL to whatever site (fiction press, fan fiction, google docs, etc.)

 

That is really all there is to it. So I guess I should probably start:

 

Excerpt: 

 


The ground crackled beneath his heavy boot. Alex did his best to keep the noise he created down to a minimum, but to no avail. It was beginning to become clearer and clearer to him with each passing step; He was not cut out for any of this like his brothers were. Not that he had any blood brothers to speak of, of course, but his comrades back home were brothers nonetheless.

 

He lumbered through the woodwork, lowering himself to avoid being swiped by the forest's mass collection of hanging branches from above, seemingly trying to snag the critters of the forest as they made their merry way. The oak trees stood tall above him, almost as if in defiance to his staggered defiling of the forest's calm nature. Gallus wished for him to try everything at least once, saying in the process that 'it would be a good learning experience' for him. He laughed at that now, bringing down a branch threatening to scrape his face as he went.

 

The sun beamed down through the dense foliage upon Alex's head, and despite his light apparel, he felt like he was in an oven. Strange he thought, considering it was the beginning of the autumn fall. His feet found very few balance points with each movement, turning every moment of this task before him into a seemingly endless puzzle. Alex wiped the sweat from his brow, sweeping his messy brown hair out of his eyes. It had only been just under an hour since he had split up from the rest of the squad, being told that they had to meet back at the rendezvous in two hours.

 

Their objective was simply to scout for any enemy threat. Although Gallus had made it very clear that danger could lurk in any corner, he could not think of any possible enemies that the Linovain Detachment would ever have to worry about; apart from the small time bandits, but their attacks were few and far between. He had nothing against nature and walking around in it, it was just the fact that he was being forced to trudge through it against his own volition that really got to him. As if to respond to his feelings, the wind picked up, blowing some of the low hanging branches into Alex's face. Alex began backing up, only to find himself tripping backwards over a root snag. His back made contact with the ground first and instantly began to smart upon impact. He sat there for a moment, cursing his ill luck.

 

Alex stood up and looked into the sky. The sun was beginning to set, signalling to him that his time in this gods forsaken forest was coming to a rapid end. Retracing his steps, he began making his way back the way he came, being careful to dodge each and every one of the forest's secret pitfall traps it seemed to have in store for him, and that he had fallen for not an hour past. He could clearly see where his original path had been, simply looking for the staggered footsteps seemed to suffice. Leaves littered the ground in variously sized piles, signalling the coming of autumn. Soon enough he would find himself locked up within the castle garrison once more, with only droning lectures and sermons of the Three to keep him company.

 

The sea of trees began to open, revealing a clearing with a few scattered trees beside a riverbank, the tree branches stretching out across the river from the other side. The water itself was not deep, seemingly only knee deep in most places. The river raced by rapidly, taking with it the fallen foliage of autumn. Down the river, the trees and water began to take on a red hue, showing the beginnings of Redwood proper. Alex walked over to the edge of the river and sat down next to one of the smaller trees, unhooking his long sword and setting it next to him. Looking around the clearing, he quickly realized that he had not come to this place before on his way in.

 

Leaning his head back, he rested it against the trunk of the tree, letting out a large sigh, and with it, all of his pent up frustrations of the day. Alex closed his eyes. He didn't know where he could have went wrong on his path. The path he had laid behind him was quite distinct, and he was sure he had been following it the entire time. Perhaps it had been an older hunter's trail that could still be seen. That would be the only logical answer, he thought to himself. But even that did not make sense in his mind, as it was way too close to a military outpost, and the current regime and the populace of the dominion did not see eye to eye on most topics, including hunting grounds. It could have just been a particularly bold one, not quite caring for the law or who it was who upheld it. That had to be it. This knowledge however, did not change the one simple fact. He had gotten himself lost.

 

The sounds of the forest slowly began to disappear one by one. Bird song was absent at this time of year as most had already began the great migration towards the warmer lands of Ayatam and Vika. Rustling could be heard all around him, the local wildlife scurrying from place to place in an almost maddening search for food. The river continued its rush by, driving its sound of running water into the choir of natural ambiance. If it had not been for the orders, and that he was lost, he would wish to stay here a lot longer. The area seemed almost serene in some ways, untouched by the moving world, which came to him as an odd thought.

 

The sun sank more than was comfortable for Alex, forcing him to stand up and move from his position. He didn't have much time left, and it wouldn't be long now until the original group got themselves back together and noticed that he had not returned. Reaching down, he got a grip on his long sword and picked it up, hooking it back on his belt.

 

As he brought himself back up into a straighter position, something flew by his face from the wood on his side of the river, opposite of where he had walked in. It cut through the air with a whir and the arrow struck the tree beside him.

 

An excerpt from the story I am currently writing. It hasn't even left the first draft stage, so it is pretty rough (emphasis on pretty). Also, you can kinda see where my name comes from if you pay attention. huehue.

 

Regardless, I open the floor with this. 

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I've edited some portions of your piece, mainly to maintain an economy of words. You can compare the differences with your original post and see if the changes I put in make sense. Take my comments with a grain of salt and remember that you have the final say in what stays and goes in your story. Hopefully, more people will decide to post. It's always nice to read other people's work. I'll probably put up one of my stories pretty soon.

 

The ground crackled beneath his heavy boot (

should be boots, unless he only has one leg). Alex did his best to keep the noise he created (it's pretty clear he's the one making such noise, so there's no need for 'he created') down to a minimum, but to no avail. It was beginning to become clearer and clearer (again, less is more.)to him with each passing step; (It's more a of a personal preference, but I would put a period here. 'He' should also be lowercased, even if you're using a semicolon.)He was not cut out for any of this like his brothers were. Not that he had any blood brothers to speak of, of course, but his comrades back home were brothers nonetheless. (Suggestion: but he considered his comrades back home to be his brothers.)

 

He lumbered (Lumbered: In this case it is acting as a verb, but it doesn't seem to make much sense. He is trying to avoid making noise so why use a verb that means "to cut timber and prepare it for market." Suggestion: Perhaps try 'meandered' or 'trudged' )through the woodwork, lowering himself to avoid being swiped by the forest's mass collection of  (A forest implies it is filled with vegetation so the 'mass collection' feels a bit redundant.) hanging branches from above, seemingly trying to snag the critters of the forest as they made their merry way. The oak trees stood tall above him, almost as if in defiance to his staggered defiling of the forest's calm nature. (Last part of previous sentence is too wordy. Suggestion: as if mocking him for daring to trample upon such an undisturbed place.) Gallus wished for him to try everything at least once, saying in the process (What process?) that 'it would be a good learning experience' for him. He laughed at that now, bringing down a branch threatening to scrape his face as he went. (Suggestion for previous sentence: lashing out at a branch that came close to scraping his face.)

 

The sun beamed down through the dense foliage upon Alex's head, and despite his light apparel, he felt like he was in an oven. ('in an oven' is kind of cliche. Try to be more specific so that that the reader feels grounded in the setting. The word oven has been used before and doesn't really do much for the senses.) Strange(,) he thought, considering it was the beginning of the autumn fall (Which is it? Autumn or Fall?). His feet found very few balance points with each movement, (Suggestion: He found few places where he could get a foothold,) turning every moment of this task before him into a seemingly endless puzzle. (Suggestion: turning each step into a contest of brawn and wit.) Alex wiped the sweat from his brow, sweeping his messy brown hair out of his eyes. It had only been just under an hour since he had split up from the rest of the squad, being told that they had to meet back at the rendezvous in two hours.

 

Their objective was simply to scout for any enemy threat. Although Gallus had made it very clear that danger could lurk in any corner, he could not think of any possible enemies that the Linovain Detachment (The antagonist, I suppose) would ever have to worry about; (End your sentence here.) (Suggestion: Bandits were another story altogether,)apart from the small time bandits, but their attacks were few and far between. He had nothing against nature and walking around in it, it was just the fact that he was being forced to trudge through it against his own volition that really got to him. (Be more specific here. How does this journey make him feel? I want to see him react more to the environment.) As if to respond to his feelings, the wind picked up, blowing some of the low hanging branches into Alex's face. Alex began backing up, only to find himself tripping backwards over a root snag. His back made contact with the ground first and instantly began to smart upon impact. He sat there for a moment, cursing his ill luck.

 

Alex stood up and looked into (up at) the sky. The sun was beginning to set, signalling to him that his time in this god(')s forsaken forest was coming to a (an) rapid end. Retracing his steps, he began making his way back the way he came, (Why exactly is he doing this?) being careful to dodge each and every one of the forest's secret pitfall traps it seemed (It either has traps or it doesn't. Choose one or the other, don't hover in between.) to have in store for him, and that he had fallen for not an hour past. He could clearly see where his original path had been, simply looking for the staggered footsteps seemed to suffice. (Mmm... since I don't have much to go on apart from this piece I'm not sure if he knows the forest well. Is he an expert tracker/hunter? Otherwise, it would be hard to suspend my disbelief that he can somehow find his footprints in such a dense forest. Just something I noticed.) Leaves littered the ground in variously sized piles, signalling the coming of autumn.(This detail should appear much sooner in order to ground the reader in the setting. I could have sworn Alex mentioned the season already, though, so he would have noticed this a lot earlier.)Soon enough he would find himself locked up within the castle garrison once more, with only droning lectures and sermons of the Three (His teachers? Won't spend too much time on this since it is a small piece I'm reading.) to keep him company.

 

The sea of trees began to open, revealing a clearing with a few scattered trees beside a riverbank, the tree branches stretching out across the river from the other side. The water itself was not deep, seemingly only knee deep in most places. The river raced by rapidly, taking with it the fallen foliage of autumn. Down the river, the trees and water began to take on a red hue, showing the beginnings of Redwood proper. Alex walked over to the edge of the river and sat down next to one of the smaller trees, unhooking his long sword and setting it next to him. Looking around the clearing, he quickly realized that he had not come to this place before on his way in.

 

Leaning his head back, he rested it against the trunk of the tree (tree trunk), letting out a large sigh, and with it, all of his pent up frustrations of the day. (Good. I want to see more of this. Him reaction to the environment and having mixed feelings about the whole ordeal.) Alex closed his eyes. He didn't know where he could have went (gone) wrong on his path. The path he had laid behind him was quite distinct, and he was sure he had been following it the entire time. Perhaps it had been an older hunter's trail that could still be seen. (Ah, so he is a hunter of sorts.) That would be the only logical answer, he thought to himself. But even that did not make sense in his mind, as it was way too close to a military outpost, and the current regime and the populace of the dominion did not see eye to eye on most topics, including hunting grounds. It could have just been a particularly bold one, not quite caring for the law or who it was who (that) upheld it. That had to be it. This knowledge however, did not change the one simple fact. He had gotten himself lost.

 

The sounds of the forest slowly began to disappear one by one. Bird song was absent at this time of year as most had already began the great migration towards the warmer lands of Ayatam and Vika. Rustling could be heard all around him, the local wildlife scurrying from place to place in an almost maddening search for food. The river continued its rush (Suggestion: 'descent' or 'downstream') by, driving its sound of running water into the choir of natural ambiance (Suggestion: Last two words are kinda wordy, you could just say 'nature's choir".). If it had not been for the orders, and that he was lost, he would wish to stay here a lot longer. The area seemed almost serene in some ways, untouched by the moving world, which came to him as an odd thought. (Good characterization. Shows he doesn't feel at peace in the bustling atmosphere of wherever he's from.)

 

The sun sank more than was comfortable for Alex, (Why is this? Because dangerous creatures come out at night?) forcing him to stand up and move from his position. He didn't have much time left, and it wouldn't be long now until the original group got themselves back together and noticed that he had not returned. Reaching down, he got a grip on his long sword and picked it up, hooking it back on his belt.

 

As he brought himself back up into a straighter position (Suggestion: straightened himself up), something flew by his face from the wood on his side of the river, opposite of where he had walked in. It cut through the air with a whir and the arrow struck the tree beside him.

 

I really like the setting and can already see hints of the fantastical nature in which this story is headed in. Alex seems like quite the intriguing character and I would love to see more of his thought process explored in future drafts, if you so choose to share with us. I didn't feel like it was in Alex's head most of the time because most of the attention went into the clever use of setting and greater world outside of it. I did enjoy the few glimpses of his mind at work, so consider tugging this out more so the reader can see him react more to the events at play. A lot of your sentences are pretty verbose, so try to keep in mind packed details in order to achieve maximum potency with your words. Tone and P.O.V seem pretty consistent. I get the sense the danger exists, and is lurking in the shadows somewhere.

 

I would have liked to see the forest encroach more upon Alex and see an inkling of fear rise up from him. It's clear that he's familiar with geography and is comfortable tracking other people, so I guess that wouldn't make much sense. The dangers of the forest don't need be in the reader's face, but I only got a fleeting glance of the pitfalls and the branches. The forest is a big place, so try to play a bit more with the setting.The language is pretty crisp and brings the world to life. And yes, I did catch the reference to the 'Linovain detachment', quite the interesting name for an antagonist! Overall, your piece seems pretty promising and I would gladly read more drafts in order to explore more of the 'castle garrison' and the mysterious 'Three'. Good luck with future drafts!

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I've edited some portions of your piece, mainly to maintain an economy of words. You can compare the differences with your original post and see if the changes I put in make sense. Take my comments with a grain of salt and remember that you have the final say in what stays and goes in your story. Hopefully, more people will decide to post. It's always nice to read other people's work. I'll probably put up one of my stories pretty soon.

 

The ground crackled beneath his heavy boot (

should be boots, unless he only has one leg). Alex did his best to keep the noise he created (it's pretty clear he's the one making such noise, so there's no need for 'he created') down to a minimum, but to no avail. It was beginning to become clearer and clearer (again, less is more.)to him with each passing step; (It's more a of a personal preference, but I would put a period here. 'He' should also be lowercased, even if you're using a semicolon.)He was not cut out for any of this like his brothers were. Not that he had any blood brothers to speak of, of course, but his comrades back home were brothers nonetheless. (Suggestion: but he considered his comrades back home to be his brothers.)

 

He lumbered (Lumbered: In this case it is acting as a verb, but it doesn't seem to make much sense. He is trying to avoid making noise so why use a verb that means "to cut timber and prepare it for market." Suggestion: Perhaps try 'meandered' or 'trudged' )through the woodwork, lowering himself to avoid being swiped by the forest's mass collection of  (A forest implies it is filled with vegetation so the 'mass collection' feels a bit redundant.) hanging branches from above, seemingly trying to snag the critters of the forest as they made their merry way. The oak trees stood tall above him, almost as if in defiance to his staggered defiling of the forest's calm nature. (Last part of previous sentence is too wordy. Suggestion: as if mocking him for daring to trample upon such an undisturbed place.) Gallus wished for him to try everything at least once, saying in the process (What process?) that 'it would be a good learning experience' for him. He laughed at that now, bringing down a branch threatening to scrape his face as he went. (Suggestion for previous sentence: lashing out at a branch that came close to scraping his face.)

 

The sun beamed down through the dense foliage upon Alex's head, and despite his light apparel, he felt like he was in an oven. ('in an oven' is kind of cliche. Try to be more specific so that that the reader feels grounded in the setting. The word oven has been used before and doesn't really do much for the senses.) Strange(,) he thought, considering it was the beginning of the autumn fall (Which is it? Autumn or Fall?). His feet found very few balance points with each movement, (Suggestion: He found few places where he could get a foothold,) turning every moment of this task before him into a seemingly endless puzzle. (Suggestion: turning each step into a contest of brawn and wit.) Alex wiped the sweat from his brow, sweeping his messy brown hair out of his eyes. It had only been just under an hour since he had split up from the rest of the squad, being told that they had to meet back at the rendezvous in two hours.

 

Their objective was simply to scout for any enemy threat. Although Gallus had made it very clear that danger could lurk in any corner, he could not think of any possible enemies that the Linovain Detachment (The antagonist, I suppose) would ever have to worry about; (End your sentence here.) (Suggestion: Bandits were another story altogether,)apart from the small time bandits, but their attacks were few and far between. He had nothing against nature and walking around in it, it was just the fact that he was being forced to trudge through it against his own volition that really got to him. (Be more specific here. How does this journey make him feel? I want to see him react more to the environment.) As if to respond to his feelings, the wind picked up, blowing some of the low hanging branches into Alex's face. Alex began backing up, only to find himself tripping backwards over a root snag. His back made contact with the ground first and instantly began to smart upon impact. He sat there for a moment, cursing his ill luck.

 

Alex stood up and looked into (up at) the sky. The sun was beginning to set, signalling to him that his time in this god(')s forsaken forest was coming to a (an) rapid end. Retracing his steps, he began making his way back the way he came, (Why exactly is he doing this?) being careful to dodge each and every one of the forest's secret pitfall traps it seemed (It either has traps or it doesn't. Choose one or the other, don't hover in between.) to have in store for him, and that he had fallen for not an hour past. He could clearly see where his original path had been, simply looking for the staggered footsteps seemed to suffice. (Mmm... since I don't have much to go on apart from this piece I'm not sure if he knows the forest well. Is he an expert tracker/hunter? Otherwise, it would be hard to suspend my disbelief that he can somehow find his footprints in such a dense forest. Just something I noticed.) Leaves littered the ground in variously sized piles, signalling the coming of autumn.(This detail should appear much sooner in order to ground the reader in the setting. I could have sworn Alex mentioned the season already, though, so he would have noticed this a lot earlier.)Soon enough he would find himself locked up within the castle garrison once more, with only droning lectures and sermons of the Three (His teachers? Won't spend too much time on this since it is a small piece I'm reading.) to keep him company.

 

The sea of trees began to open, revealing a clearing with a few scattered trees beside a riverbank, the tree branches stretching out across the river from the other side. The water itself was not deep, seemingly only knee deep in most places. The river raced by rapidly, taking with it the fallen foliage of autumn. Down the river, the trees and water began to take on a red hue, showing the beginnings of Redwood proper. Alex walked over to the edge of the river and sat down next to one of the smaller trees, unhooking his long sword and setting it next to him. Looking around the clearing, he quickly realized that he had not come to this place before on his way in.

 

Leaning his head back, he rested it against the trunk of the tree (tree trunk), letting out a large sigh, and with it, all of his pent up frustrations of the day. (Good. I want to see more of this. Him reaction to the environment and having mixed feelings about the whole ordeal.) Alex closed his eyes. He didn't know where he could have went (gone) wrong on his path. The path he had laid behind him was quite distinct, and he was sure he had been following it the entire time. Perhaps it had been an older hunter's trail that could still be seen. (Ah, so he is a hunter of sorts.) That would be the only logical answer, he thought to himself. But even that did not make sense in his mind, as it was way too close to a military outpost, and the current regime and the populace of the dominion did not see eye to eye on most topics, including hunting grounds. It could have just been a particularly bold one, not quite caring for the law or who it was who (that) upheld it. That had to be it. This knowledge however, did not change the one simple fact. He had gotten himself lost.

 

The sounds of the forest slowly began to disappear one by one. Bird song was absent at this time of year as most had already began the great migration towards the warmer lands of Ayatam and Vika. Rustling could be heard all around him, the local wildlife scurrying from place to place in an almost maddening search for food. The river continued its rush (Suggestion: 'descent' or 'downstream') by, driving its sound of running water into the choir of natural ambiance (Suggestion: Last two words are kinda wordy, you could just say 'nature's choir".). If it had not been for the orders, and that he was lost, he would wish to stay here a lot longer. The area seemed almost serene in some ways, untouched by the moving world, which came to him as an odd thought. (Good characterization. Shows he doesn't feel at peace in the bustling atmosphere of wherever he's from.)

 

The sun sank more than was comfortable for Alex, (Why is this? Because dangerous creatures come out at night?) forcing him to stand up and move from his position. He didn't have much time left, and it wouldn't be long now until the original group got themselves back together and noticed that he had not returned. Reaching down, he got a grip on his long sword and picked it up, hooking it back on his belt.

 

As he brought himself back up into a straighter position (Suggestion: straightened himself up), something flew by his face from the wood on his side of the river, opposite of where he had walked in. It cut through the air with a whir and the arrow struck the tree beside him.

 

I really like the setting and can already see hints of the fantastical nature in which this story is headed in. Alex seems like quite the intriguing character and I would love to see more of his thought process explored in future drafts, if you so choose to share with us. I didn't feel like it was in Alex's head most of the time because most of the attention went into the clever use of setting and greater world outside of it. I did enjoy the few glimpses of his mind at work, so consider tugging this out more so the reader can see him react more to the events at play. A lot of your sentences are pretty verbose, so try to keep in mind packed details in order to achieve maximum potency with your words. Tone and P.O.V seem pretty consistent.

 

I would have liked to see the forest encroach more upon Alex and see an inkling of fear rise up from him. It's clear that he's familiar with geography and is comfortable tracking other people, so I guess that wouldn't make much sense. The language is pretty crisp and brings the world to life. And yes, I did catch the reference to the 'Linovain detachment', quite the interesting name for an antagonist! Overall, your piece seems pretty promising and would gladly read more drafts in order to explore more of the 'castle garrison' and the mysterious 'Three'. Good luck with future drafts!

 

Wow, that is awesome. ^-^ You definitely touched on one of the things I have been working on lately, which is my verbose-ness. This is pretty helpful actually. As you say, I'll take it with a grain of salt, but it is nice to see what someone else thinks of this thing. This is just part of the prologue really, but I may post the rest of it at some point. 

 

I personally would love to read some of your work. So I'll be looking forward to seeing here at some point!

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I'd like to post a short flow of conscience monologue that I wrote up a while ago.

 

               “Someone is in the ocean.”

                Such a thing is not difficult to imagine.

               

“Someone is drowning.”

As expected; one can only stay afloat for a short time.

 

“Someone is praying to their god.”

A common thing one would do in desperation.

 

The person drowning is praying to be saved. Plea is useless, especially considering all this person is begging for already exists and has taken form. This person is asking for life when life already existed.

 

His hands, thrashing above the surface, feel a solid object, buoyant among his current world of death. It’s wet and hard to grip. In such a time, with adrenaline flowing through his body, such a trivial thing hardly deserves to be considered. Life is there, as it was, and he must grasp it regardless of any slight cause of vexation.

 

His muscles tense and squeeze, pulling his torso upwards. He can see lights now. From above, they illuminate everything around him. Someone threw him a life ring. His mind clears and focuses on the one thing he must now do.

 

Someone’s voice echoes from his memory, “You have to save yourself.”

 

He reaches in circles, following the curvature of the ring, to find the rope connecting himself and the voices he hears behind the lights above. He can’t make out what they’re saying.

 

                He pulls, thrusting himself through the waves and closer to the lights. He can feel people’s hand reaching for him, hauling him upwards. His body falls onto a hard surface like metal. “You’re safe. We’ve got you. You’re safe.”

 

                He’s alive; his prayers were answered, or so he believed. They may have been heard, whether it be by his own soul, the deity he was praying to, or both as one, but none of the possible recipients of his prayer could save him then. If salvation is divine, it would not work that way. The divinity of salvation comes from the power of a belief within a person’s own soul. He had to save himself. He was given the tools and means to do so, but if it were not in his power to save himself, where would he find his desire, self-worth and any other pieces of architecture meant to support the superstructure that is his own soul? He wouldn’t.

 

                “You have to save yourself.” The words ring in his head a last time before he’s taken into the care of the people around him in the small boat. He fails to understand the purpose of such a statement anymore. In the water, hanging above death by a string with the strength of a hair, he can see the purpose. Pure instinctive survival has to kick in. But why would that matter now?

                He began to think of his prayer. Why did he pray? In retrospect, begging for his life seems useless. Crying to the ocean as it swallowed him whole did nothing to bring him his rescuers. It’s his own strength that was able to keep him alive long enough to survive, his own strength.

 

                “You have to save yourself.” This time the words come back as he connects his consciousness with his memory. Maybe that’s it. His plea for life was unnecessary because it was already long since considered. The power he wished he had when his lungs were going to give out at any moment had already been a part of him since his conception. The divine power he was begging for was within him.

 

His own soul; a superstructure built with arches and beams, each hand made by the desire and growth of earth and mankind. Such desire and growth is the exact same catalyst that delivered his rescue. As everything in this world exists, it grows, it acts and it reacts and brings forth the same in itself to grow again. All becomes one within the soul of one being. From this unity comes forth the divine power to save oneself. The immediate after effect of this discovered power is the ability to save another.

 

This is humanity, after all.

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@reyaes I like how the character repeats that mantra at the beginning of the piece. It seems be one of the only things acting like an anchor in his life. The struggle for one's inner strength and the realization that one's survival instinct can be tugged when one is at the brink of death is quite the powerful feeling. The piece has a very dark tone and the third person reflects very well how detached the protagonist is feeling from everyone else. It mentions that he was unable to hear anyone else's voice except the one in his head which shows that at the end of the day this is his own struggle and only with the strength of his resolve can he survive.

 

The protagonist also realizes that his faith does not work the way he intended and that it is the a belief directed toward inward that will lead to salvation. Nevertheless, the protagonist questions why he returns to prayer even though the result he expects will not arrive. Moments like these where the protagonist questioned himself were well done and demonstrated a lot of interiority on part of the character. If this were a story I would be wondering how the protagonist ended up in the water and where his life will lead to after this event. As it stands, this short piece is an effective allegory for humans stranded at sea, desperately struggling for the strength to survive.

 

I expected a more stream of consciousness centered piece because of the way you described it, but this works well at capturing a tense and frightening scene as well. It stands well on its own even if you decide not explore it any further. Thanks for sharing!

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I'm about to head to bed so ill post this

The sun shown down on the large city of Washington D.C. it was a day as any other but deep down around a mile or two under the city was a secret even the president didn’t know of. It’s name was Eithernet a large city known only to those blessed or cursed depending how you look at it, By being infected with Either or Aeither. Either were humans who came into contact with either particles given off by either meteorites strange meteors that appeared 2 years ago. Aeithers were eithers with animal like qualities although some had distinct oddities such as a sheep aeither with only one sheep eye or a dog Aeither missing a tail, Aeithers were ranked depending on these flaws the less flaws the higher their purity level the highest recorded Aeither rating thus far has been an A rank and only a few of those have ever been found.

Aside from them a third malicious group was involved an inhuman one. They were the neithers beings created when Aeither and either particles came into close contact, I’ll go into more detail about them when the time comes. I was being pursued which itself wasn’t new i was the Reaper after all a legend among the Eithernet, an S class with the ability to manipulate my own blood. I donned a mask the mouth was a basic mask mouth straight and partly open, the right eye a normal slit but the left seemed like the mask was hit hard and was shattering. The shards were made of hollow glass with fake blood filling it This mask was the mask of I the reaper.
I look on at four S.E.E. members come to exterminate me. S.E.E. or Special Either Exterminators was a special organizations that was more than secret and more than willing to kill Eithers and Aeithers, Of course if they see A Neither they take priority unless an S class either is nearby but i've heard some even ask for assistance with dealing with Neithers. The obvious Leader had a black and gold mask on and behind him were 2 newbies they had black masks with floral patterns on it. Finally A man with a Mirror mask An Either. I guess today I’d be adding 4 kills to my record.
A few days had past since then and currently i’m at a small bar in Eithernet. I had been listening on to a rumor of an S.E.E. Aeither experiment facility that claimed to have created an S class Aeither She wasn’t awake though but i had to check this out. I got up bid the few Eithers i was speaking with courtesy and left. I walked down the central street of west eithernet and gazed at my monochrome surroundings.The elevators to the surface were always cheap but the west’s were regarded as fancy as they had unrusted gates.
I walked down the alley now back above ground and pulled up my phone. The eitherapp which was developed by a few eithers and aeithers is a secret only distributed around the eithernet and as i suspected there was a news article about a S class aeither. I silently read the article as a hobo puked up his “happy juice” beside me, now that i think about it i should probably get rid of this trash or he’ll discover the eithernet.
The article says the S is deep in the woods i guess i have a destination but without a plan things could get messy. The streets were grey with the usual cement smell and ahead was the gate leading to the forest. The gate much more a wall than a fence was 4 meters high topped with barb wire but this was child’s play for me. i held out my hand and my palm opened and blood crawled along my skin feeling like a roach and expanded cocooning my arm and forming a blade adding half a meter to my arm’s length. My ability to manipulate blood matches my title doesn’t it?
Anemia is a definite threat with this much blood out so i solidify the outer layer and keep the inner blood circulating through my body, of course i need to keep an eye on my blood or my heart may strain to pump that far out. I impale the fence and spread the blade in four directions opening the fence. I silently stalk through the forest and focus blood into my eyes as to improve my vision.I put on my reaper mask and continued on. Finally I see the facility and see the defense are a bit better than i anticipate, One sniper and 2 Eithers.
I reopen my palm and start spinning a javelin made of blood at about 30,000 rpm for stability and aim. The javelin flies through the air at slightly faster than the speed of sound and pierces the sniper’s head silently, this ability always tired me out. I form claws using the same principles as my blade and leapt through the air much like a lion taking down an elk, I beheaded the first but thats as far as my luck would take me the second guard’s skin turned a dark grey. Before i knew it he slammed his fist into the ground sending a shockwave forth and destroying my chances of going through with stealth right then and there. As the shockwave traveled along the ground it hit me and i was flung into the air and before i could correct my balance he was already above me.
Now i hate hardening my blood in my bloodstream but it’s an impromptu armor and would protect my organs. His fist collided with my solar plexus and i went slamming into the ground and immediately released my blood so my heart wouldn’t stop. All that took less than a second and i was already jumping up with a claw pointing straight at him but as it hit, my blood shattered and sprayed everywhere. I quickly sealed the wound better to loose the blood outside than to spray more right now.
The man landed and stared at me, I got up and returned his glare. He took a stance as did i “interesting ability there what’s your rank?”
“Reaper you should know you're stronger than me.”
"even so I enjoy knowing if i should eat those i kill."
"then why did you kill my partner and guessing as there are no shots you got the sniper as well.....correct?"
That was enough talking the more time i spend here the more likely reinforcements will arrive thats probably his goal. I quickly made small needles of blood float in air and act like the javelin i used early, tiring yes but i hadn't much in the way of choices at the moment.
The needles ended up shattering upon contact.
"fucking hell what are you made of!?" His response infuriated me further.
"maybe you're just losing your edge." He cracked his neck and i snapped i narrowed my eyes and hissed.
"i've decided i won't spare mercy for you i'm going to kill you nice and slowly." I created a disc of blood and hardened the cells themselves turning the disc a dark red. Now if it were circulating through my blood .I'd only harden the outer layer or the very edge but this guy called for very hard blood. I threw the disc at him and he nimbly jumped aside, but this, this is what i was waiting for, i had made a small dagger around my hand and hardened the outer layer. He was in mid air so course correction was impossible for anyone but a master and that gave me the perfect opportunity. His eyes weren't hardened were they?
I made my way inside before his back up arrived and wiped my hands his blood. Now i needed to locate this S class aeither.

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The story I'm about to post I wrote in about two hours. I wanted to post a story in here, had an idea and went with it. Sorry if there's something I may have missed in concerns to the story as a whole, I would just like to know what people think of it so far and possibly get some constructive criticism in the process so I'll be able to make it better. If there are any questions about it, ask and I will answer. Also, unless I think of something better, the title is The Doll Shop. Hope everyone enjoys this.

    I had a long day at work. When I was walking home I saw a neon sign that said Delightful Dolls. The name intrigued me. I was in front of the door to the small shop thinking about whether or not to go in. I went with the former option. A small bell rang as I opened the door and walked inside. The cashier behind the counter paused what he was doing to greet me. "Greetings. You can look, but don't touch. Unless, of course you buy it. If you actually do so, sales are final. Absolutely no exceptions." explained the man with a smile before going back to his work. He had a bald head, graying facial hair, and a medium build. It looked like he was working on a doll, but it was too dark to tell.

    I looked around and realized the shop wasn't exactly in the best condition. The paint was peeling, most of the lights were dim while others weren't even functioning. The shelves seemed to have been broken off of the walls frequently in the past, but repaired many times as a result, judging by the many nails and screws attached to them. The dolls were strewn across the floor haphazardly and they were filthy, like the cashier just stopped putting them on the shelves so he wouldn't have to bother with repairing them, or he just didn't care much about appearances. The smell of the dolls reminded me of a septic tank. I felt dirty. I asked where the bathroom was, silently hoping it would be better than a gas station's. The cashier just pointed a finger towards a hallway near the back of the shop.

    The bathroom door wouldn't budge. I had to push hard on the door for it to open. I used too much force as the door flew open, almost hitting my head on the sink in front of the door. My forehead was inches away from the sink. I didn't bother getting angry at the fact I'd almost knocked myself out from bad sink placement, it'd get me nowhere. I didn't even bother looking away from the sink as I put water in my hands. I splashed some of the water on my face. I looked in the mirror and my reflection seemed a little bright, but then I saw something standing behind me. The words "Help me." came from the direction of whatever was near the doorway.

    I turned around but nothing was there. The bathroom started smelling worse than the rest of the shop so I quickly headed back towards the front. As I left the bathroom, my foot hit a garbage bin, knocking it over. The contents spilled all over the ground. There were several used syringes. "The cashier's a junkie?" I said under my breath as my thoughts unintentionally verbalized. I didn't want to touch the dirty needles, so I continued walking. The cashier was near the front door. "Are you going to pick up that bin you knocked over? Also, I would appreciate it if you apologized for that rude remark." said the cashier.

    How did he know? He couldn't have seen that or heard me. "Well, you don't have to apologize. It's not even true, it doesn't exactly hurt my feelings much either." continued the cashier with a grin. He grabbed my mouth. "Don't worry. It'll be over quickly." he said as he stuck a syringe in my arm. I couldn't move. I slowly drifted into unconsciousness. I later woke up and still couldn't move. "You're up. Consider yourself lucky. You're part of the select few that haven't crossed over to the other... 'spectrum' of this shop." explained the cashier as he took a mirror out from behind the desk. I looked into the mirror. The shop was clean, the light's were working and the dolls, including me, too, were all gone, replaced with several dolls that weren't there before. There were even a lot on the shelves. The cashier had a large grin as he spoke. "I love my children. All 120 of them."

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@periah250 I've made the appropriate edits for syntax and grammar. Take a look at the bold sections and compare them with your earlier draft. After a while I didn't bold some of the errors because there were just too many. Make sure to read it a loud in order to get a sense of where you should stop your sentences and to avoid awkward phrasing. Suggestions are merely there as a guide. You don't need to blindly follow them, but understand that I did included them in order to improve the flow of your sentences and to emphasize an economy of words, as opposed to prolonged phrases which have the tendency of being redundant. If you have any questions just post them in this thread.

 

The sun shown (

Pretty sure you mean 'shone'. Keep in mind that 'shone' is also past tense, so make sure this doesn't conflict with how you want to start off your story.) down on the large city (Is the size important in the greater scheme of things? If not, then it can just be removed. By definition a city is large, so keep that in mind as well.) of Washington D.C. it was a day as any other (Suggestion: It was day like any other) (,) but deep down around a mile or two (Suggestion: several miles) under the city was a secret even the president didn’t know of. It’s name was Eithernet (,) a large city known only to those blessed or cursed depending (on) how you look at it, (whether you were) By being infected with Either or Aeither. Either were humans who came into contact with either particles given off by either meteorites (,)  strange meteors that appeared 2 (Suggestion: Numbers between one and ten are spelled out.) years ago. Aeithers were eithers with animal(-)like qualities (,) although some had distinct oddities such as a sheep aeither with only one sheep eye or a dog Aeither missing a tail, (Suggestion: End your sentence here with a period.)  Aeithers were ranked depending on these flaws (.) the (The) less flaws (,) the higher their purity level (.) the (The) highest recorded Aeither rating thus far has been an A rank and only a few of those have ever been found.

 

Aside from them a third malicious group was involved (:) an inhuman one. They were the neithers (,) beings created when Aeither and either particles came into close contact, (Suggestion: End your sentence with a period here.) I’ll go into more detail about them when the time comes. (There's no need to mention the previous sentence in the story. Don't tell the reader what you will do, just do it!) I was being pursued which (in) itself wasn’t new (.) i (I) (,) as the Reaper after all (,) a legend among the Eithernet, an S class with the ability to manipulate my own blood. (Deadman Wonderland reference? Just keep in mind that it's best to subvert existing tropes and abilities so that they surprise/hook the reader into the story.) I donned a mask (,) the mouth was a basic mask mouth straight and partly open, the right eye a normal slit but the left seemed like the mask was hit hard and was shattering. (Hmmm... the description of the mask is pretty hit and miss for me. It should hit the reader's senses pretty hard, so try to some more research on it so that the reader can visualize it clearly.) The shards were made of hollow glass with fake blood filling it (.) This mask was the mask of I the reaper.

 

I look on at four S.E.E. members come to exterminate me. (When did they come in? Keep in mind continuity and effective transitions when introducing other characters.) S.E.E. or Special Either Exterminators was a special organizations that was more than secret (What does 'more than secret' mean?) and more than willing to kill Eithers and Aeithers, Of course (,) if they see A (lowercase 'a') Neither they take priority unless an S class either is nearby but i've (I've) heard some even ask for assistance with dealing with Neithers. The obvious Leader (How come leader is capitalized?) had a black and gold mask on and behind him were 2 (spell out) newbies they had black masks with floral patterns on it. Finally A (lowercase a) man with a Mirror mask(.) (How come you didn't describe this mask as attentively as the other ones?)

 

An Either. I guess today I’d be adding 4 (spell out) kills to my record.

 

A few days had past (passed) since then and currently i’m (I'm) at a small bar in Eithernet. I had been listening on to a rumor of an S.E.E. (Suggestion: I've been listening to S.E.E rumors regarding an Aeither experiment facility) Aeither experiment facility that claimed to have created an S class Aeither (.) She wasn’t awake though (,) but i had to check this out. I got up (and) bid the few Eithers i was speaking with courtesy and left. I walked down the central street of west eithernet (capitalize) and gazed at my monochrome surroundings. (Be more specific with the surroundings so that the reader is grounded in the setting. 'Monochrome settings' doesn't do much for the five senses.) The elevators to the surface were always cheap but the west’s were regarded as fancy as they had unrusted gates.

 

I walked down the alley now back above ground and pulled up (out) my phone. The eitherapp which was developed by a few eithers and aeithers is a secret only distributed around the eithernet (So how did he end up getting it if it's a secret?) and as i suspected there was a news article about a (an) S class aeither. I silently read the article as a hobo puked up his “happy juice” (vomit) beside me, (End your sentence here with a period.) now (Now) that i think about it i (I) should probably get rid of this trash or he’ll discover the eithernet.

 

The article says the S (rank) is deep in the woods i (I) guess i (I) have a destination (,) but without a plan things could get messy. The streets were grey with the usual cement smell and ahead was the gate leading to the forest. (It's hard to where everything is in relation to each other. I guess the problem is I still don't a clear picture of what the city looks like.) The gate much more a wall than a fence was 4 (spell out) meters high topped with barb wire (,) but this was child’s play for me. i held out my hand and my palm opened and blood crawled along my skin feeling like a roach and expanded (,) cocooning (around) my arm and forming a blade adding half a meter to my arm’s length. My ability to manipulate blood matches my title doesn’t it? (Addressing the reader, or breaking the fourth wall, feels a bit off here. If that's your intent then that's fine, but just be aware that it can be a bit jarring for the reader since it takes the reader out of the story.)

 

Anemia is a definite threat with this much blood out so i solidify the outer layer and keep the inner blood circulating through my body, (End sentence here with a period.) of course (Of Course) i need to keep an eye on my blood or my heart may strain to pump that far out. (Suggestion: or it'll put too much of a strain on my heart.) I impale the fence and spread the blade in four directions opening the fence. (Good description.) I silently stalk through the forest and focus blood into my eyes as to improve my vision. (Kind of strange, but okay. I guess it's his unique ability or something.) I put on my reaper mask and continued on. Finally I see the facility and see the defense are a bit better than i anticipate, (.)  (Suggestion: and notice the defenses are weaker than I anticipated.) One sniper and 2 Eithers.

 

I reopen my palm and start spinning a javelin made of blood at about 30,000 rpm for stability and aim. The javelin flies through the air at slightly faster than the speed of sound and pierces the sniper’s head silently, this ability always tired (tires) me out. I form claws using the same principles as my blade and leapt (leap) through the air much like a lion taking down an elk (Why an elk? Wouldn't a gazelle or zebra make more sense?), (End sentence here) I beheaded the first but thats (that's) as far as my luck would take (takes) me (as) the second guard’s skin turned a dark grey. Before i knew it he slammed his fist into the ground sending a shockwave forth and destroying my chances of going through with stealth right then and there. As the shockwave traveled along the ground it hit me and i was flung into the air (End sentence here) and before (Before) i could correct my balance he was already above me.

 

Now i (I) hate hardening my blood in my bloodstream but it’s an impromptu armor and would protect(s) my organs. His fist collided (collides) with my solar plexus and i went (go) slamming into the ground and (End sentence here.) (I) immediately released (release) my blood so my heart wouldn’t stop. All that took less than a second and i was already jumping up with a claw pointing straight at him but as it hit, my blood shattered and sprayed everywhere. I quickly sealed the wound better (in order) to loose the blood outside than to spray more right now.

 

The man landed and stared at me, (End sentence here.) I got up and returned his glare. He took a stance as did i (and said ,)“interesting ability there (,) what’s your rank?”

 

“Reaper (,) you should know you're stronger than me.”

 

"even (Even) so (,) I enjoy knowing if i should eat those i kill." (I shouldn't have to remind you that beginning of sentences are capitalized...)

 

"then (Then) why did you kill my partner and guessing as there are no shots you got the sniper as well.....correct?" (Ellipses are comprised of only three dots.)

 

That was enough talking (Period here) the more time i spend here the more likely reinforcements will arrive (,) thats (that's) probably his goal. I quickly made small needles of blood float in air and (which) act like the javelin i used early, (Period here) tiring (Tiring) (,) yes (,) but i hadn't much in the way of choices at the moment. (Suggestion: I don't have much choice at the moment.)

 

The needles ended up shattering upon contact.

 

"fucking hell (,) what are you made of!?" His response infuriated me further.

 

"maybe you're just losing your edge." He cracked his neck and i snapped (Period here.) i (I) narrowed my eyes and hissed. (How come he's hissing?)

 

"i've decided i won't spare mercy for you (Period here) i'm going to kill you nice and slowly." I created a disc of blood and hardened the cells themselves turning the disc a dark red. Now if it were circulating through my blood .I'd only harden the outer layer or the very edge but this guy called for very hard blood. I threw the disc at him and he nimbly jumped aside, but this, this is what i was waiting for, i had made a small dagger around my hand and hardened the outer layer. He was in mid air so course correction was impossible for anyone but a master and that gave me the perfect opportunity. His eyes weren't hardened were they?

 

I made my way inside before his back up arrived and wiped my hands his blood. Now i needed to locate this S class aeither.

 

I got a sense of Deadman Wonderland and Tokyo Ghoul when reading this piece. Whether or not you were striving for originality or merely creating a fanfiction is strictly up to you. I'm merely judging it by what I read here.

 

I didn't get a good sense of what the underground city looked like. Be sure you include details that strike the five senses hard so that the reader is properly grounded in the setting. This will obviously requite substantial research, but I promise it is worth it. Eithernet seems like quite the intriguing place. It offers the possibility of hostility and promise depending on what side of the spectrum the inhabitants are on. I got a clear look at what the hierarchy is in this city, but not how it works in the grand scheme of things. Does the protagonist think of himself as another cog in the machine? What are the character's motivations in searching for this S rank character?

 

There is a lot of exposition in the beginning which it makes it hard to properly inhabit the protagonist's head. Try to sprinkle some of these pieces of information throughout the story so that it doesn't mess with the pacing. You've got a lot of interesting details about masks and the powers that the protagonist has. I would encourage you to put as much attention to the city so that the reader is fully immersed in this world. There are some sudden tense shifts which are jarring so keep in mind what P.O.V you want to your story to be in and stick with it!

 

You started getting a bit more creative with the powers near the end, which is good. Keep in mind that in order to keep the reader engaged it's important to subvert expectations so that the reader is surprised/captivated at every turn. Make sure that when you address the reader it is also intentional and not just for the sake of being clever. It has the effect of taking the reader out of the story. In this case, it made me question why the protagonist would be acting so out of character in those specific moments when he addresses the audience.

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EldritchCherub, may I ask how you're able to do those in-depth edits/corrections? I find that fascinating. Are you experienced in writing? If you are, how long have you been doing so? And, if I may make the request, could you go over my story? I'd like your opinion on it if that's all right with you. Thank you in advance, should you choose whether to provide your opinion/critique on my story or not.

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EldritchCherub, may I ask how you're able to do those in-depth edits/corrections? I find that fascinating. Are you experienced in writing? If you are, how long have you been doing so? And, if I may make the request, could you go over my story? I'd like your opinion on it if that's all right with you. Thank you in advance, should you choose whether to provide your opinion/critique on my story or not.

I promise to get to your piece tomorrow. I'm a bit burnt out from all the homework I have at the moment, so it wouldn't be wise to give a critique in this state.

 

For what it's worth, I have a Bachelor's in Creative Writing. Four years of writing workshops and a lot of essays is a nice way of getting experience, but I'm still a budding writer in many regards. I do whatever I can in order to better myself, even if that means going through other people's pieces, line by line. It's an arduous task, but I feel it will be pay off in the end. I'm not that experienced when it comes to grammar, instead I resort to analyzing the elements of craft. I've bought a few books on grammar, but for the life of me I'm unable to retain much of it XD Most of what I have to offer has been through internalizing what I've learned over the years. Simply put, instinct. Hopefully, I can better express myself in coming years and be able to identify everything by name.

 

I could go into a lot more depth with everyone's pieces, but time constraints prohibit that.

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I promise to get to your piece tomorrow. I'm a bit burnt out from all the homework I have at the moment, so it wouldn't be wise to give a critique in this state.

 

For what it's worth, I have a Bachelor's in Creative Writing. Four years of writing workshops and a lot of essays is a nice way of getting experience, but I'm still a budding writer in many regards. I do whatever I can in order to better myself, even if that means going through other people's pieces, line by line. It's an arduous task, but I feel it will be pay off in the end. I'm not that experienced when it comes to grammar, instead I resort to analyzing the elements of craft. I've bought a few books on grammar, but for the life of me I'm unable to retain much of it XD Most of what I have to offer has been through internalizing what I've learned over the years. Simply put, instinct. Hopefully, I can better express myself in coming years and be able to better identify everything by name.

 

I could go into a lot more depth with everyone's pieces, but time constraints prohibit that.

Thank you for answering my questions Eldritch. Hope you enjoy my story when you get around to reading it.

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@Stick1314 You can take a look at my corrections and annotations within the spoiler tag. Compare it with your previous draft in order to see where you might have some logical inconsistencies, insufficient detail, and grammar mistakes which can be easily revised with another revision. If you have any questions about the comments I put in bold feel free to leave a post here in this thread.

 

I had a long day at work. (

Need a stronger hook as your first line. Also, was it sunset/night? Were there other people walking on the same street as the protagonist?) When I was walking home I saw a neon sign that said (,) Delightful Dolls. The name intrigued me. I was in front of the door to the small shop thinking about whether or not to go in. (How did the shop look from the outside? Was it also derelict and uninviting? This would be a good indication at the beginning of the story that things are not as they seem.) I went with the former option. A small bell rang as I opened the door and walked inside. The cashier behind the counter paused what he was doing to greet me.

 

(Start new paragraph here.)"Greetings. You can look, but don't touch. Unless, of course (,) you buy it. If you actually do so, sales are final. Absolutely no exceptions.(<-----Lines with dialogue tags should have a comma following the dialogue which comes before the quotation mark.)" explained the man with a smile before going back to his work. He had a bald head, graying facial hair, and a medium build. It looked like he was working on a doll, but it was too dark to tell.

I looked around and realized the shop wasn't exactly in the best condition. The paint was peeling, most of the lights were dim (,) while others weren't even functioning. (Good description of the interior.) The shelves seemed to have been broken off of the walls frequently in the past, (Suggestion: The shelves seemed to have fallen off the walls frequently) but (and) repaired many times as a result, judging by the many nails and screws attached to them. (Suggestion: judging by the patchwork of nails and screws.) The dolls were strewn across the floor haphazardly (The word 'strewn' already implies this.) and they were filthy (Be more specific. Were they coated in a layer of grime? Was their clothing tattered and torn in places?), like the cashier just stopped putting them on the shelves so he wouldn't have to bother with repairing them, or he just didn't care much about appearances. The smell of the dolls reminded me of a septic tank. (Good description.) I felt dirty. (Good reaction from the protagonist. The short sentence implies he is put off by the place and is trying to keep his distance.) I asked where the bathroom was, silently hoping it would be better than a gas station's. The cashier just pointed a finger towards a hallway near the back of the shop (Suggestion: without looking up).

The bathroom door wouldn't budge. I had to push hard on the door for it to open. I used too much force as the door flew open, almost hitting my head on the sink in front of the door. (Nice movement here.) My forehead was inches away from the sink. I didn't bother getting angry at the fact I'd almost knocked myself out from bad sink placement, it'd get me nowhere. (Just keep in mind whether or not this is a realistic reaction? It works fine in the story, but I'd figure I'd let you know in case you wanted to focus a bit on the protagonist's state of mind. You could try having the protagonist put up a brave front, and show us his clenched fists or have him give off some sort of knee jerk reaction if that's something you wish to explore.)  I didn't even bother looking away from the sink as I put water in my hands. I splashed some of the water on my face. I looked in the mirror (.) and my (My) reflection seemed a little bright, but (Suggestion: as I leaned forward to examine my face I noticed) then I saw something standing behind me. The words "Help me" came from the direction of whatever was near the doorway.

 

 I turned around (,) but nothing was there. The bathroom started smelling worse than the rest of the shop so I quickly headed back towards (toward) the front. As I left the bathroom, my foot hit a garbage bin, knocking it over. The contents spilled all over the ground. There were several used syringes. (How come the the man running the shop left these syringes in clear view of his customers? All it takes is a glance as one throws away a paper towel to notice the syringes? Does he want his victims to know of the danger in store for them before he attacks them?)

 

(New paragraph here.) "The cashier's a junkie?" I said under my breath as my thoughts unintentionally verbalized. I didn't want to touch the dirty needles, so I continued walking.

 

(New paragraph here to signal another character talking.)The cashier was near the front door. "Are you going to pick up that bin you knocked over? Also, I would appreciate it if you apologized for that rude remark. (A comma instead of a period before the quotation marks.)" said the cashier.

How did he know? He couldn't have seen that or heard me.

 

(New paragraph here.) "Well, you don't have to apologize. It's not even true, it doesn't exactly hurt my feelings much either. (A comma instead of a period before the quotation marks.)" continued the cashier with a grin. He grabbed my mouth. "Don't worry. It'll be over quickly." he said as he stuck a syringe in my arm. I couldn't move. (Did the man running the shop have inhuman strength or something? As the man pushed the syringe into his arm couldn't he have jerked back in response?) I slowly drifted into unconsciousness. I later woke up and still couldn't move.

 

(New paragraph here.) "You're up. Consider yourself lucky. You're part of the select few that haven't crossed over to the other... 'spectrum' of this shop. (A comma instead of a period before the quotation marks.)" explained the cashier as he took a mirror out from behind the desk. I looked into the mirror. (I thought he said he couldn't move? When did he get control over his body since the passage of time is a bit clunky here. Take note of proper transitions so that the reader isn't surprised when the protagonist moves without us realizing it first.) The shop was clean, (<---End sentence here with a period. the light's (The lights) were working and the dolls, including me (myself) , too, were all gone, replaced with several dolls that weren't there before. There were even a lot on the shelves. (Suggestion: Rows of them now decorated the shelves.)

 

(New paragraph here.) The cashier had a large grin as he spoke. "I love my children. All 120 of them."

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I have 2 writing styles and i'd like to know which is better my previous eithernet one or this one

 

“I’m not a psychopath!” This phrase is how most mornings started out in the scarlet household. Luna currently the only male living there with his two sisters Which was about as much fun as searching for a needle in a razor blade stack. In other words a hellish estrogen Molotov cocktail as Yuza and Vema were at that pinnacle of teenage hood at 15 and 14. Luna the accused on a regular basis of being a psychopath, pervert, lecher and any other combination horrible names was a normal boy legally anyway. He was 5’7 with yellow wolf like eyes due to a birth defect it didn’t cause any apparent issues. His hair was long and black with his bangs covering one eye. Nothing about his physical stature was excellent nor were they sub par. He was an average American boy living in Washington D.C. with his sisters living off his father over seas. Vema was a normal 15 year old girl with ghost white hair.

Due to another birth defect that was unrelated to Luna who was born a month after her to his fathers wife. While the two girls were to his “mistresses” Luna ran down the choppy wooden stairs past some hanging family photos running past Yuza who was watching television something about an embroidered handbag. Vema followed close behind in a T-Shirt and boxers with her hair reaching every which way. She ran into the average kitchen white cabinets white tile floor a window above the sink the cookie cutter kitchen as Luna would say. She ran past Luna hiding behind the door but came to a stop when his arm locked around her neck putting her in a choke hold.

“Ahh…let me go you Lecher!”

“That isn’t my name now say uncle.”

“Aunt!”

“Uncle!”  He said as he squeezed harder unknown to him was yuza hearing him messing with his sister. She got up from the brown dusty couch with had more holes than a sponge she had already done her hair. She was 5’6 with slightly below shoulder length hair with bangs.

Her hair was black as the night combed neatly adding nice contrast to her pale skin. She was in all sense of the word Beautiful her deep blue eyes pulled in numerous boys at her school. She was already in her school uniform which consisted of a white skirt a white dress shirt and a dark blue over shirt and a choice of shoes she opted for black high heels. Which made her absolutely stunning the same of which could not be said for Vema who despite her best attempts looked like a beast after she woke up once she dressed up and got ready she too was stunning just not the same extent as Yuza.

Vema had extremely deep green eyes almost looking black she wore the same uniform as Yuza her hair went to her shoulders at its longest. Luna wore a more suit like uniform for school, which was identical to Yuza aside from long dark blue pants, and a blue tie he wore muddy sneakers from as he called it “playing tag with the cops”. They all helped prepare breakfast once Vema was done preparing and Luna wasn’t holding her in a chokehold, Yuza made most of breakfast as she was the best cook and a very mature woman for her young age of 14. She was smarter than both of them causing her to skip to a grade above them. She was perfect on the outside at least

When it came to her mother’s disappearance she grew cold and silent she held nothing but sadness and despair at the mention of her name. The morning lasted a great deal longer than anticipated they ran to school Yuza outrunning them both and Luna running ahead of Vema who around midway just gave up completely and walked both Luna and Yuza made it, Yuza in the student counsel was on the first floor so she made it with time to spare where Luna was on the second floor across the school making him nearly late. He made it in with 1 minute to spare. He walked in and looked around at all the faces looking at him. He stared and they stared back then he walked over to his wooden cracked up desk.

The day started slow but the rest of the day went by quickly Vema however had less luck. Science class they were making distilled water, which was a simple process except for Vema who had no luck with science. She poured tap water into the muggy fog like flask and put it over the Bunsen burner and it boiled. Vema stared at it “ooohh” She said, as it seemed to change color despite no chemicals. Soon smoke and flames erupted from it causing Vema to fall back into the hardwood desks tipping more and more water onto the floor. Yuza’s class was math in which she excelled in that and every other subject.

The teacher stood up and wrote on the board which looked more like a dimension of smoke due to the chalk being caught in it, He asked for the answer to the question and Yuza was already standing up to answer “the answer is 47 divided by the rudiment dividend to 36.7 to 8th power, The answer can also be found using the conversion method.” The teacher stood there motionless unable to comprehend this young genius. He stood there staring and so did the students and the chalk fell from his hand shattering on the black and blue glossy tiled floor. The chalk dust coated his black dress shoe in a snow like hue. Once the Scarlet family was back at home the usual occurrences took place yet again.

Luna sat on the couch and watched a soap opera about some blonde who fell in love with a married man something unoriginal like that. He looked at Yuza who wore a more casual jacket this time “hey do you think Vema will ever be a scientist?” This question startled Yuza who spat her soda from her nose “wait…Vema…oh god if she were a scientist…we’d be doomed.”. Luna turned to the news, which was talking about some great discovery of a new parasite that was far larger than any other before. The only thing they’ve found before was fossils but this was a frozen corpse the scientist wore an over enthusiastic face.

He switched the TV off and watched as the TV drew it final breath before fading out. Vema sat next to Luna She had finally dried herself out after the whole science incident before she had she looked like a rat who took a rinse cycle. Vema Sat on the couch throwing about a pound of dust in the air, She leaned her head on his shoulder “Brother why did father leave?” Luna hadn’t a clue how to answer his sister he just sighed and rubbed her brilliantly white hair. Yuza walked over to the door and opened it “Well I’ll be heading out for business.” She quickly left without giving any chance for Luna or Vema to say anything. “Where do you suppose she goes?”

Luna shrugged and just relished in his alone time with his sister he was always attached to her they were inseparable. The night crouched on like a silent assassin in the night and Yuza hadn’t returned so Luna and Vema Went to bed alone, Vema’s room was a white room with 2 windows and it seemed to turn black under the moonlight while Luna was slightly different. Luna closed his eyes and let himself to the keeper of the night. The morning came as silently as the night had and Luna woke up abruptly in the night to a nightmare.

The nightmare consisted of his death which Luna didn’t know the meaning of so he ignored it and try to drift back asleep. After around an hour and a half of struggling to fall asleep he realized it was 2:40am. He decided to get up and go for a walk in the dark world he once knew was alive. “This place becomes desolate in the night.” He walked out the door and down the cookie cutter sidewalk nothing really stood out to him. He walked for a while until he reached the urban area of town still there was some people whom Luna didn’t dare talk to. Eventually he stopped seeing people so he stopped despite it being night that was highly illogical. He looked around at tall building like manmade trees looming over him as if they were hooded men.

He heard well nothing at all so he continued down the road but something stopped him he hadn’t a clue why he stopped he just did. He didn’t know why he turned his head either but he did and what he saw made his blood freeze in their tracks. Luna stumbled back almost tripping back “That’s…but ahh….” Luna tried to run but his legs wouldn’t let him the scene in front of him was even worse than his nightmare. The alley was empty aside from a scene straight out of hell on the ground was a sheet of crimson and it looked horrifying the thing draining it’s crimson water on the ground was a human a man.

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@Stick1314 You can take a look at my corrections and annotations within the spoiler tag. Compare it with your previous draft in order to see where you might have some logical inconsistencies, insufficient detail, and grammar mistakes which can be easily revised with another revision. If you have any questions about the comments I put in bold feel free to leave a post here in this thread.

 

I had a long day at work. (

Need a stronger hook as your first line. Also, was it sunset/night? Were there other people walking on the same street as the protagonist?) When I was walking home I saw a neon sign that said (,) Delightful Dolls. The name intrigued me. I was in front of the door to the small shop thinking about whether or not to go in. (How did the shop look from the outside? Was it also derelict and uninviting? This would be a good indication at the beginning of the story that things are not as they seem.) I went with the former option. A small bell rang as I opened the door and walked inside. The cashier behind the counter paused what he was doing to greet me.

 

(Start new paragraph here.)"Greetings. You can look, but don't touch. Unless, of course (,) you buy it. If you actually do so, sales are final. Absolutely no exceptions.(<-----Lines with dialogue tags should have a comma following the dialogue which comes before the quotation mark.)" explained the man with a smile before going back to his work. He had a bald head, graying facial hair, and a medium build. It looked like he was working on a doll, but it was too dark to tell.

I looked around and realized the shop wasn't exactly in the best condition. The paint was peeling, most of the lights were dim (,) while others weren't even functioning. (Good description of the interior.) The shelves seemed to have been broken off of the walls frequently in the past, (Suggestion: The shelves seemed to have fallen off the walls frequently) but (and) repaired many times as a result, judging by the many nails and screws attached to them. (Suggestion: judging by the patchwork of nails and screws.) The dolls were strewn across the floor haphazardly (The word 'strewn' already implies this.) and they were filthy (Be more specific. Were they coated in a layer of grime? Was their clothing tattered and torn in places?), like the cashier just stopped putting them on the shelves so he wouldn't have to bother with repairing them, or he just didn't care much about appearances. The smell of the dolls reminded me of a septic tank. (Good description.) I felt dirty. (Good reaction from the protagonist. The short sentence implies he is put off by the place and is trying to keep his distance.) I asked where the bathroom was, silently hoping it would be better than a gas station's. The cashier just pointed a finger towards a hallway near the back of the shop (Suggestion: without looking up).

The bathroom door wouldn't budge. I had to push hard on the door for it to open. I used too much force as the door flew open, almost hitting my head on the sink in front of the door. (Nice movement here.) My forehead was inches away from the sink. I didn't bother getting angry at the fact I'd almost knocked myself out from bad sink placement, it'd get me nowhere. (Just keep in mind whether or not this is a realistic reaction? It works fine in the story, but I'd figure I'd let you know in case you wanted to focus a bit on the protagonist's state of mind. You could try having the protagonist put up a brave front, and show us his clenched fists or have him give off some sort of knee jerk reaction if that's something you wish to explore.)  I didn't even bother looking away from the sink as I put water in my hands. I splashed some of the water on my face. I looked in the mirror (.) and my (My) reflection seemed a little bright, but (Suggestion: as I leaned forward to examine my face I noticed) then I saw something standing behind me. The words "Help me" came from the direction of whatever was near the doorway.

 

 I turned around (,) but nothing was there. The bathroom started smelling worse than the rest of the shop so I quickly headed back towards (toward) the front. As I left the bathroom, my foot hit a garbage bin, knocking it over. The contents spilled all over the ground. There were several used syringes. (How come the the man running the shop left these syringes in clear view of his customers? All it takes is a glance as one throws away a paper towel to notice the syringes? Does he want his victims to know of the danger in store for them before he attacks them?)

 

(New paragraph here.) "The cashier's a junkie?" I said under my breath as my thoughts unintentionally verbalized. I didn't want to touch the dirty needles, so I continued walking.

 

(New paragraph here to signal another character talking.)The cashier was near the front door. "Are you going to pick up that bin you knocked over? Also, I would appreciate it if you apologized for that rude remark. (A comma instead of a period before the quotation marks.)" said the cashier.

How did he know? He couldn't have seen that or heard me.

 

(New paragraph here.) "Well, you don't have to apologize. It's not even true, it doesn't exactly hurt my feelings much either. (A comma instead of a period before the quotation marks.)" continued the cashier with a grin. He grabbed my mouth. "Don't worry. It'll be over quickly." he said as he stuck a syringe in my arm. I couldn't move. (Did the man running the shop have inhuman strength or something? As the man pushed the syringe into his arm couldn't he have jerked back in response?) I slowly drifted into unconsciousness. I later woke up and still couldn't move.

 

(New paragraph here.) "You're up. Consider yourself lucky. You're part of the select few that haven't crossed over to the other... 'spectrum' of this shop. (A comma instead of a period before the quotation marks.)" explained the cashier as he took a mirror out from behind the desk. I looked into the mirror. (I thought he said he couldn't move? When did he get control over his body since the passage of time is a bit clunky here. Take note of proper transitions so that the reader isn't surprised when the protagonist moves without us realizing it first.) The shop was clean, (<---End sentence here with a period. the light's (The lights) were working and the dolls, including me (myself) , too, were all gone, replaced with several dolls that weren't there before. There were even a lot on the shelves. (Suggestion: Rows of them now decorated the shelves.)

 

(New paragraph here.) The cashier had a large grin as he spoke. "I love my children. All 120 of them."

 

Considering the length of your piece you need make sure you hook the reader within the first few lines. The opening line leaves a little to be desired and should have more of an impact on the reader in order to prepare them for the ominous scene ahead. Also keep in mind that the reader should also inhabit the protagonist's head within the first few paragraphs in order to ground the reader in the story. It would be nice if the protagonist could have more of a reaction to the outside of the shop so that the reader gets an idea why the protagonist decided to go inside in the first place. The name is fine, and is the first step in hooking us in, but set up the outside environment more so that we can see the sharp contrast when the protagonist first steps inside the shop. Were there people walking around? Were they as enticed by the shop as the protagonist was or he was the only one ensnared by its appearance? Was there something uncanny about the place that unnerved the protagonist?

 

It wasn't until the third paragraph or so that I finally felt like I was immersed in the story. The interior of the shop is nicely described and I could get a sense of the atmosphere hovering over this place. Make sure to give as much detail to the dolls as you do with the shop, since it is the title of the story and I expected it be the focus of what was about to happen. You don't need to describe each and every doll, but make sure to describe their general characteristics so that they clearly reflect the uneasy feeling the protagonist has about the shop. Simply saying they are dirty doesn't do enough for the reader's five senses.

 

As for the plot, it seems to be about a strange old man that takes people's souls and traps them in dolls. I could get the sense that the inside of this shop was removed from the outside reality. This was supported by the fact that there was no one around when the protagonist goes inside. Of course, this could mean that it was simply nighttime and he was walking by a deserted street. I am merely going by what is in the story, so it is conjecture at this point as to the time and place in which this story occurs. I was a bit confused at the end of the story when the protagonist suddenly gets up and looks into the mirror because he was pretty adamant about not being able to move. Make sure you transition properly between character actions so that it is not jarring for the reader when a character appears somewhere he shouldn't be.

 

By the end of the story the protagonist is trapped in another realm and it looks like he will be trapped inside a doll. I'm curious as to the nature of the owner of the shop and his magical abilities. Due to the length of the story it's fine that things are a bit ambiguous. Thanks for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it and wish you luck on your future drafts!

Thank you so much for suggesting edits. I've taken most of what you've suggested and edited my work accordingly. Also, to clear up a bit of the confusion, he didn't get up, but rather the cashier had placed the mirror in front of him, I just didn't portray it properly. And, as the cashier explained, there are two "sides" or "versions" of the shop itself. The connection between the two are the mirrors, which is the reason behind the disappearing doll in the bathroom, as well as the fact that the protagonist wasn't reflected in the mirror when turned into a doll; he was still in the original dimension. One version is dirty and in a state of disrepair with a few dolls here and there, the other is clean like a hospital with little need of upkeep, and has many more dolls.

Also, concerning the trash can, the cashier didn't have to cover it. Once someone entered the shop, he'd make sure they couldn't leave no matter what.

 

Thank you for enjoying my story. I find it interesting that I made this story specifically to put it here. I enjoyed writing it quite a bit. Have you written any stories? I'd love to read one of them sometime.

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Thank you so much for suggesting edits. I've taken most of what you've suggested and edited my work accordingly. Also, to clear up a bit of the confusion, he didn't get up, but rather the cashier had placed the mirror in front of him, I just didn't portray it properly. And, as the cashier explained, there are two "sides" or "versions" of the shop itself. The connection between the two are the mirrors, which is the reason behind the disappearing doll in the bathroom, as well as the fact that the protagonist wasn't reflected in the mirror when turned into a doll; he was still in the original dimension. One version is dirty and in a state of disrepair with a few dolls here and there, the other is clean like a hospital with little need of upkeep, and has many more dolls.

Also, concerning the trash can, the cashier didn't have to cover it. Once someone entered the shop, he'd make sure they couldn't leave no matter what.

 

Thank you for enjoying my story. I find it interesting that I made this story specifically to put it here. I enjoyed writing it quite a bit. Have you written any stories? I'd love to read one of them sometime.

Ah, I didn't realize a doll had disappeared from the bathroom. I understood that someone or something was asking for help. Perhaps include a brief glimpse of it in the mirror in order to induce a feeling of dread in the reader. I also like the contrast between the 'dirty' world and the 'clean' world and would love to see more details that enhance this dichotomy in the story.

 

Hmm, I guess it didn't really matter whether or not the protagonist had noticed the syringes then. It was still a nice detail to include to really cement the danger in the story. The owner of the store was just being sadistic by leaving those lying around XD I'll probably put a link to one of my stories in a couple of weeks on the google docs. Just fine tuning some things before I ask for feedback on this thread.

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I have 2 writing styles and i'd like to know which is better my previous eithernet one or this one

 

“I’m not a psychopath!” This phrase is how most mornings started out in the scarlet household. Luna currently the only male living there with his two sisters Which was about as much fun as searching for a needle in a razor blade stack. In other words a hellish estrogen Molotov cocktail as Yuza and Vema were at that pinnacle of teenage hood at 15 and 14. Luna the accused on a regular basis of being a psychopath, pervert, lecher and any other combination horrible names was a normal boy legally anyway. He was 5’7 with yellow wolf like eyes due to a birth defect it didn’t cause any apparent issues. His hair was long and black with his bangs covering one eye. Nothing about his physical stature was excellent nor were they sub par. He was an average American boy living in Washington D.C. with his sisters living off his father over seas. Vema was a normal 15 year old girl with ghost white hair.

Due to another birth defect that was unrelated to Luna who was born a month after her to his fathers wife. While the two girls were to his “mistresses” Luna ran down the choppy wooden stairs past some hanging family photos running past Yuza who was watching television something about an embroidered handbag. Vema followed close behind in a T-Shirt and boxers with her hair reaching every which way. She ran into the average kitchen white cabinets white tile floor a window above the sink the cookie cutter kitchen as Luna would say. She ran past Luna hiding behind the door but came to a stop when his arm locked around her neck putting her in a choke hold.

“Ahh…let me go you Lecher!”

“That isn’t my name now say uncle.”

“Aunt!”

“Uncle!”  He said as he squeezed harder unknown to him was yuza hearing him messing with his sister. She got up from the brown dusty couch with had more holes than a sponge she had already done her hair. She was 5’6 with slightly below shoulder length hair with bangs.

Her hair was black as the night combed neatly adding nice contrast to her pale skin. She was in all sense of the word Beautiful her deep blue eyes pulled in numerous boys at her school. She was already in her school uniform which consisted of a white skirt a white dress shirt and a dark blue over shirt and a choice of shoes she opted for black high heels. Which made her absolutely stunning the same of which could not be said for Vema who despite her best attempts looked like a beast after she woke up once she dressed up and got ready she too was stunning just not the same extent as Yuza.

Vema had extremely deep green eyes almost looking black she wore the same uniform as Yuza her hair went to her shoulders at its longest. Luna wore a more suit like uniform for school, which was identical to Yuza aside from long dark blue pants, and a blue tie he wore muddy sneakers from as he called it “playing tag with the cops”. They all helped prepare breakfast once Vema was done preparing and Luna wasn’t holding her in a chokehold, Yuza made most of breakfast as she was the best cook and a very mature woman for her young age of 14. She was smarter than both of them causing her to skip to a grade above them. She was perfect on the outside at least

When it came to her mother’s disappearance she grew cold and silent she held nothing but sadness and despair at the mention of her name. The morning lasted a great deal longer than anticipated they ran to school Yuza outrunning them both and Luna running ahead of Vema who around midway just gave up completely and walked both Luna and Yuza made it, Yuza in the student counsel was on the first floor so she made it with time to spare where Luna was on the second floor across the school making him nearly late. He made it in with 1 minute to spare. He walked in and looked around at all the faces looking at him. He stared and they stared back then he walked over to his wooden cracked up desk.

The day started slow but the rest of the day went by quickly Vema however had less luck. Science class they were making distilled water, which was a simple process except for Vema who had no luck with science. She poured tap water into the muggy fog like flask and put it over the Bunsen burner and it boiled. Vema stared at it “ooohh” She said, as it seemed to change color despite no chemicals. Soon smoke and flames erupted from it causing Vema to fall back into the hardwood desks tipping more and more water onto the floor. Yuza’s class was math in which she excelled in that and every other subject.

The teacher stood up and wrote on the board which looked more like a dimension of smoke due to the chalk being caught in it, He asked for the answer to the question and Yuza was already standing up to answer “the answer is 47 divided by the rudiment dividend to 36.7 to 8th power, The answer can also be found using the conversion method.” The teacher stood there motionless unable to comprehend this young genius. He stood there staring and so did the students and the chalk fell from his hand shattering on the black and blue glossy tiled floor. The chalk dust coated his black dress shoe in a snow like hue. Once the Scarlet family was back at home the usual occurrences took place yet again.

Luna sat on the couch and watched a soap opera about some blonde who fell in love with a married man something unoriginal like that. He looked at Yuza who wore a more casual jacket this time “hey do you think Vema will ever be a scientist?” This question startled Yuza who spat her soda from her nose “wait…Vema…oh god if she were a scientist…we’d be doomed.”. Luna turned to the news, which was talking about some great discovery of a new parasite that was far larger than any other before. The only thing they’ve found before was fossils but this was a frozen corpse the scientist wore an over enthusiastic face.

He switched the TV off and watched as the TV drew it final breath before fading out. Vema sat next to Luna She had finally dried herself out after the whole science incident before she had she looked like a rat who took a rinse cycle. Vema Sat on the couch throwing about a pound of dust in the air, She leaned her head on his shoulder “Brother why did father leave?” Luna hadn’t a clue how to answer his sister he just sighed and rubbed her brilliantly white hair. Yuza walked over to the door and opened it “Well I’ll be heading out for business.” She quickly left without giving any chance for Luna or Vema to say anything. “Where do you suppose she goes?”

Luna shrugged and just relished in his alone time with his sister he was always attached to her they were inseparable. The night crouched on like a silent assassin in the night and Yuza hadn’t returned so Luna and Vema Went to bed alone, Vema’s room was a white room with 2 windows and it seemed to turn black under the moonlight while Luna was slightly different. Luna closed his eyes and let himself to the keeper of the night. The morning came as silently as the night had and Luna woke up abruptly in the night to a nightmare.

The nightmare consisted of his death which Luna didn’t know the meaning of so he ignored it and try to drift back asleep. After around an hour and a half of struggling to fall asleep he realized it was 2:40am. He decided to get up and go for a walk in the dark world he once knew was alive. “This place becomes desolate in the night.” He walked out the door and down the cookie cutter sidewalk nothing really stood out to him. He walked for a while until he reached the urban area of town still there was some people whom Luna didn’t dare talk to. Eventually he stopped seeing people so he stopped despite it being night that was highly illogical. He looked around at tall building like manmade trees looming over him as if they were hooded men.

He heard well nothing at all so he continued down the road but something stopped him he hadn’t a clue why he stopped he just did. He didn’t know why he turned his head either but he did and what he saw made his blood freeze in their tracks. Luna stumbled back almost tripping back “That’s…but ahh….” Luna tried to run but his legs wouldn’t let him the scene in front of him was even worse than his nightmare. The alley was empty aside from a scene straight out of hell on the ground was a sheet of crimson and it looked horrifying the thing draining it’s crimson water on the ground was a human a man.

Sorry I didn't get to it when you posted it. I'll read it tomorrow and put up some comments. I had midterms this week so I was really busy.

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Monsters Under the Bed:

"there are no monsters here sweetie..."

He said in a loving tone.

"But daddy..."

She said weakly, almost crying, her father, seeing her light green eyes watering up, placed a caring hand on top of her head and said reassuringly.

"Don´t worry, daddy won´t leave you until you sleep, i will protect you from any kind of monsters..."

"Even the big ones?"

She said skeptically, glaring at her father with two intense green eyes. He just caressed her blonde curly hair and said while looking at her. She was such a delicate figure, slender and skinny, she just completed 10 years old.

"Even the big ones. Now, let me tell you a story..."

Before long, despite being frightened by the monsters, she was defeated by the comfort of her dad´s voice and her own tiredness,  she fell asleep, just to wake up right after by a noise under her bed.

Paralyzed by fear, she just stood still, she couldn´t see, the light were off, and despite his promise, dad wasn´t there to protect her from the monster, she was defenseless against whatever was under her bed.

"you liar..."

She thought to herself.

Noise again, now louder, she tried to scream, but could only make a muffled sound, because something was blocking her mouth, something warm, like a hand. Suddenly a voice.

"Please, do not scream... im not going to hurt you..."

The voice was calm and warm but not exactly human, it was the soft voice of an angel, she thought.

"You are going to receive a miracle directly from God, do you believe in God?"

He said. She coudn´t see his face, but it was definitively humanoid in shape. Because she was muted by its hand, she coudn´t speak, so she just shake her head affirmatively.

"Then you have nothing to be afraid of, right?"

His voice was soft and pleasant, too soft and pleasant to the point it coudn´t be human. She calmed instantly and signaled affirmatively.

"I will now give you the miracle of god, but you need to be quiet, if you say anything, i will not give you the miracle, you want that?"

This time she shakes her head negatively, perhaps this was a good-natured creature, she thought, i can thrust him, she thought, assuming him being male. He just took his hand off her mouth and his obscured face changed expression, although she coudn´t see the exact features of his face, she noted that the creature was incredibly beautiful and angel-like, with long straight hairs that descended to his back.

"Who are you?"

She asked timidly.

"An emissary of god, im gonna share his love to his chosen one, just like the virgin Mary...you like her?"

"Yes..."

"Then prepare to receive the next messiah, are you ready?"

She said yes, and then, the next minutes were filled with strange noises, feelings, pain and then pleasure...she felt loved, more even so than the love her father shared with her. Then, just a suddenly as it had began, it all finished, after a climax she coudn´t exactly explain, then the angel said:

"Don´t say it to anyone, for the while, it will be our little secret, right? did you liked it?"

She nodded, mind blank from all those new sensations.

"Then, do you want me to be back in the future?"

She nodded again.

"then just don´t say anything, just trust..."

Without being able to talk or even maintain consciousness, she just slept...

"Sweetie?"

Said a familiar voice.

"Hi daddy..."

He showed a horrified face, like something truly hideous had happened and then said.

"What is all this blood? are you alright? what happened."

He said, worried.

"I don´t know daddy, i had the best dream ever, an angel visited me...and he said i would carry the next messiah!"

"OH MY GOD!"

Said her mother, horrified by the scene.

"Its allright darling, just stay outside!"

Her mother was pushed outside the room by her dad, while crying intensely.

"Call the cops!"

He said. While shutting the door. And suddenly, she heard that voice again, this time, coming from her father´s mouth:

"You remeber our promisse right?"

The end.

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I have 2 writing styles and i'd like to know which is better my previous eithernet one or this one

 

“I’m not a psychopath!” This phrase is how most mornings started out in the scarlet household. Luna currently the only male living there with his two sisters Which was about as much fun as searching for a needle in a razor blade stack. In other words a hellish estrogen Molotov cocktail as Yuza and Vema were at that pinnacle of teenage hood at 15 and 14. Luna the accused on a regular basis of being a psychopath, pervert, lecher and any other combination horrible names was a normal boy legally anyway. He was 5’7 with yellow wolf like eyes due to a birth defect it didn’t cause any apparent issues. His hair was long and black with his bangs covering one eye. Nothing about his physical stature was excellent nor were they sub par. He was an average American boy living in Washington D.C. with his sisters living off his father over seas. Vema was a normal 15 year old girl with ghost white hair.

Due to another birth defect that was unrelated to Luna who was born a month after her to his fathers wife. While the two girls were to his “mistresses” Luna ran down the choppy wooden stairs past some hanging family photos running past Yuza who was watching television something about an embroidered handbag. Vema followed close behind in a T-Shirt and boxers with her hair reaching every which way. She ran into the average kitchen white cabinets white tile floor a window above the sink the cookie cutter kitchen as Luna would say. She ran past Luna hiding behind the door but came to a stop when his arm locked around her neck putting her in a choke hold.

“Ahh…let me go you Lecher!”

“That isn’t my name now say uncle.”

“Aunt!”

“Uncle!”  He said as he squeezed harder unknown to him was yuza hearing him messing with his sister. She got up from the brown dusty couch with had more holes than a sponge she had already done her hair. She was 5’6 with slightly below shoulder length hair with bangs.

Her hair was black as the night combed neatly adding nice contrast to her pale skin. She was in all sense of the word Beautiful her deep blue eyes pulled in numerous boys at her school. She was already in her school uniform which consisted of a white skirt a white dress shirt and a dark blue over shirt and a choice of shoes she opted for black high heels. Which made her absolutely stunning the same of which could not be said for Vema who despite her best attempts looked like a beast after she woke up once she dressed up and got ready she too was stunning just not the same extent as Yuza.

Vema had extremely deep green eyes almost looking black she wore the same uniform as Yuza her hair went to her shoulders at its longest. Luna wore a more suit like uniform for school, which was identical to Yuza aside from long dark blue pants, and a blue tie he wore muddy sneakers from as he called it “playing tag with the cops”. They all helped prepare breakfast once Vema was done preparing and Luna wasn’t holding her in a chokehold, Yuza made most of breakfast as she was the best cook and a very mature woman for her young age of 14. She was smarter than both of them causing her to skip to a grade above them. She was perfect on the outside at least

When it came to her mother’s disappearance she grew cold and silent she held nothing but sadness and despair at the mention of her name. The morning lasted a great deal longer than anticipated they ran to school Yuza outrunning them both and Luna running ahead of Vema who around midway just gave up completely and walked both Luna and Yuza made it, Yuza in the student counsel was on the first floor so she made it with time to spare where Luna was on the second floor across the school making him nearly late. He made it in with 1 minute to spare. He walked in and looked around at all the faces looking at him. He stared and they stared back then he walked over to his wooden cracked up desk.

The day started slow but the rest of the day went by quickly Vema however had less luck. Science class they were making distilled water, which was a simple process except for Vema who had no luck with science. She poured tap water into the muggy fog like flask and put it over the Bunsen burner and it boiled. Vema stared at it “ooohh” She said, as it seemed to change color despite no chemicals. Soon smoke and flames erupted from it causing Vema to fall back into the hardwood desks tipping more and more water onto the floor. Yuza’s class was math in which she excelled in that and every other subject.

The teacher stood up and wrote on the board which looked more like a dimension of smoke due to the chalk being caught in it, He asked for the answer to the question and Yuza was already standing up to answer “the answer is 47 divided by the rudiment dividend to 36.7 to 8th power, The answer can also be found using the conversion method.” The teacher stood there motionless unable to comprehend this young genius. He stood there staring and so did the students and the chalk fell from his hand shattering on the black and blue glossy tiled floor. The chalk dust coated his black dress shoe in a snow like hue. Once the Scarlet family was back at home the usual occurrences took place yet again.

Luna sat on the couch and watched a soap opera about some blonde who fell in love with a married man something unoriginal like that. He looked at Yuza who wore a more casual jacket this time “hey do you think Vema will ever be a scientist?” This question startled Yuza who spat her soda from her nose “wait…Vema…oh god if she were a scientist…we’d be doomed.”. Luna turned to the news, which was talking about some great discovery of a new parasite that was far larger than any other before. The only thing they’ve found before was fossils but this was a frozen corpse the scientist wore an over enthusiastic face.

He switched the TV off and watched as the TV drew it final breath before fading out. Vema sat next to Luna She had finally dried herself out after the whole science incident before she had she looked like a rat who took a rinse cycle. Vema Sat on the couch throwing about a pound of dust in the air, She leaned her head on his shoulder “Brother why did father leave?” Luna hadn’t a clue how to answer his sister he just sighed and rubbed her brilliantly white hair. Yuza walked over to the door and opened it “Well I’ll be heading out for business.” She quickly left without giving any chance for Luna or Vema to say anything. “Where do you suppose she goes?”

Luna shrugged and just relished in his alone time with his sister he was always attached to her they were inseparable. The night crouched on like a silent assassin in the night and Yuza hadn’t returned so Luna and Vema Went to bed alone, Vema’s room was a white room with 2 windows and it seemed to turn black under the moonlight while Luna was slightly different. Luna closed his eyes and let himself to the keeper of the night. The morning came as silently as the night had and Luna woke up abruptly in the night to a nightmare.

The nightmare consisted of his death which Luna didn’t know the meaning of so he ignored it and try to drift back asleep. After around an hour and a half of struggling to fall asleep he realized it was 2:40am. He decided to get up and go for a walk in the dark world he once knew was alive. “This place becomes desolate in the night.” He walked out the door and down the cookie cutter sidewalk nothing really stood out to him. He walked for a while until he reached the urban area of town still there was some people whom Luna didn’t dare talk to. Eventually he stopped seeing people so he stopped despite it being night that was highly illogical. He looked around at tall building like manmade trees looming over him as if they were hooded men.

He heard well nothing at all so he continued down the road but something stopped him he hadn’t a clue why he stopped he just did. He didn’t know why he turned his head either but he did and what he saw made his blood freeze in their tracks. Luna stumbled back almost tripping back “That’s…but ahh….” Luna tried to run but his legs wouldn’t let him the scene in front of him was even worse than his nightmare. The alley was empty aside from a scene straight out of hell on the ground was a sheet of crimson and it looked horrifying the thing draining it’s crimson water on the ground was a human a man.

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Monsters Under the Bed:

"there are no monsters here sweetie..."

He said in a loving tone.

"But daddy..."

She said weakly, almost crying, her father, seeing her light green eyes watering up, placed a caring hand on top of her head and said reassuringly.

"Don´t worry, daddy won´t leave you until you sleep, i will protect you from any kind of monsters..."

"Even the big ones?"

She said skeptically, glaring at her father with two intense green eyes. He just caressed her blonde curly hair and said while looking at her. She was such a delicate figure, slender and skinny, she just completed 10 years old.

"Even the big ones. Now, let me tell you a story..."

Before long, despite being frightened by the monsters, she was defeated by the comfort of her dad´s voice and her own tiredness,  she fell asleep, just to wake up right after by a noise under her bed.

Paralyzed by fear, she just stood still, she couldn´t see, the light were off, and despite his promise, dad wasn´t there to protect her from the monster, she was defenseless against whatever was under her bed.

"you liar..."

She thought to herself.

Noise again, now louder, she tried to scream, but could only make a muffled sound, because something was blocking her mouth, something warm, like a hand. Suddenly a voice.

"Please, do not scream... im not going to hurt you..."

The voice was calm and warm but not exactly human, it was the soft voice of an angel, she thought.

"You are going to receive a miracle directly from God, do you believe in God?"

He said. She coudn´t see his face, but it was definitively humanoid in shape. Because she was muted by its hand, she coudn´t speak, so she just shake her head affirmatively.

"Then you have nothing to be afraid of, right?"

His voice was soft and pleasant, too soft and pleasant to the point it coudn´t be human. She calmed instantly and signaled affirmatively.

"I will now give you the miracle of god, but you need to be quiet, if you say anything, i will not give you the miracle, you want that?"

This time she shakes her head negatively, perhaps this was a good-natured creature, she thought, i can thrust him, she thought, assuming him being male. He just took his hand off her mouth and his obscured face changed expression, although she coudn´t see the exact features of his face, she noted that the creature was incredibly beautiful and angel-like, with long straight hairs that descended to his back.

"Who are you?"

She asked timidly.

"An emissary of god, im gonna share his love to his chosen one, just like the virgin Mary...you like her?"

"Yes..."

"Then prepare to receive the next messiah, are you ready?"

She said yes, and then, the next minutes were filled with strange noises, feelings, pain and then pleasure...she felt loved, more even so than the love her father shared with her. Then, just a suddenly as it had began, it all finished, after a climax she coudn´t exactly explain, then the angel said:

"Don´t say it to anyone, for the while, it will be our little secret, right? did you liked it?"

She nodded, mind blank from all those new sensations.

"Then, do you want me to be back in the future?"

She nodded again.

"then just don´t say anything, just trust..."

Without being able to talk or even maintain consciousness, she just slept...

"Sweetie?"

Said a familiar voice.

"Hi daddy..."

He showed a horrified face, like something truly hideous had happened and then said.

"What is all this blood? are you alright? what happened."

He said, worried.

"I don´t know daddy, i had the best dream ever, an angel visited me...and he said i would carry the next messiah!"

"OH MY GOD!"

Said her mother, horrified by the scene.

"Its allright darling, just stay outside!"

Her mother was pushed outside the room by her dad, while crying intensely.

"Call the cops!"

He said. While shutting the door. And suddenly, she heard that voice again, this time, coming from her father´s mouth:

"You remeber our promisse right?"

The end.

Ok guys, what did you think. i had this idea while re-playing Saya no Uta, i imagined the protagonist as a blonde Saya. I know it might be difficult to some of you to read this, because of the heavy theme (pedophilia), but bear in mind by no means i condone such practice.

edit: i know that it is a bit cliche, but bear with me, im just practicing my writing skills.

 

My usual line edits are in the spoiler tags. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to leave a comment on this thread. Most of the errors consisted of misspelled words and issues with how to set up the dialogue. There's a liberal use of ellipses, but it's not as if I can deter you from using them. It's preferable to end your sentence with a period instead of trailing off all the time like that.

 

"

there (There) are no monsters here (,) sweetie..." He (he) said in a loving tone (Suggestion: The loving tone is already implied in the dialogue because you used 'sweetie', so there's no need for it).

"But daddy..." She (she) said weakly, almost crying, (End your sentence with a period here.)

 

(Start new paragraph in order to signal a new speaker.) her (Her) father, seeing her light green (light-green) eyes watering up, placed a caring hand on top of her head and said reassuringly. (There should be a comma here.) "Don´t worry, daddy won´t leave you until you sleep, i (Capitalize the 'i' in the sentence.) will protect you from any kind of monsters..."

"Even the big ones?" She (she) said skeptically, glaring at her father with two intense green eyes. He just caressed her blonde (,) curly hair and said while looking at her (Said what? Dialogue should be right after if you're going to present it in this way.). She was such a delicate figure (I think you meant 'person' here.), slender and skinny, she just completed 10 years old (Suggestion: she just turned 10 a couple of days ago).

"Even the big ones. Now, let me tell you a story..."

Before long, despite being frightened by the monsters, she was defeated (overcome) by the comfort of her dad´s voice and her own tiredness (fatigue), she fell asleep, just to wake up right after by a noise under her bed (Suggestion: right after she heard a noise from under her bed).

Paralyzed by fear, she just stood (Suggestion: I don't think she was standing on her bed, so I assume you meant 'remained'.) still, (End your sentence here with a period.) she couldn´t see, the light (lights) were off, and despite his promise, dad wasn´t there to protect her from the monster (End your sentence with a period here. It;ll give the next sentence more impact.), she was defenseless against whatever was under her bed.

"you (Suggestion: The beginning of a sentence is always capitalized, so it should be 'You') liar..."

 

She thought to herself.

Noise again, now louder, (A period here.) she (She) tried to scream, but could only make (let out) a muffled sound, because something was blocking her mouth, something warm, like a hand. (Suggestion: And then she heard a voice.)Suddenly a voice.

"Please, do not scream... im (I'm) not going to hurt you..."

The voice was calm and warm but not exactly human, (Period here.) it was the soft voice of an angel, she thought.

"You are going to receive a miracle directly from God, do you believe in God?" He (he) said.

 

She coudn´t (couldn't) see his face, but it was definitively humanoid in shape. Because she was muted (silenced) by its hand, she coudn´t (couldn't) speak, so she just shake (shook) her head affirmatively.

"Then you have nothing to be afraid of, right?"

His voice was soft and pleasant, too soft and pleasant to the point it coudn´t (Same contraction misspelled again...) be human. She calmed instantly and signaled affirmatively (Suggestion: shook her head up and down).

"I will now give you the miracle of god, but you need to be quiet, if you say anything, i will not give you the miracle, you want that?"

This time she shakes (shook) her head negatively, perhaps this was a good-natured creature, she thought, i can thrust (trust) him, she thought (If it doesn't have quotation marks then I think it's safe to assume these are her thoughts. There's no need to write 'she thought' cause the reader knows what to expect if there's a lack of quotation marks.), assuming him being male (Suggestion: thinking it was male because of the sound of its voice). He just took his hand off her mouth and his obscured face changed expression, although she coudn´t see the exact features of his face, she noted that the creature was incredibly beautiful and angel-like, with long straight hairs that descended to his back.

"Who are you?" She (she) asked timidly.

"An emissary of god, im (I'm) gonna share his love to (with) his chosen one, just like the Virgin Mary... you like her?"

"Yes..."

"Then prepare to receive the next messiah, are you ready?"

She said yes, and then, the next minutes were filled with strange noises, feelings, pain and then pleasure... (Try to go into more depth as to what these sensations are. I just kind of glossed over them cause it didn't help me visualize anything.) she felt loved, more even so than the love her father shared with her. Then, just a suddenly as it had began, it all finished, after a climax she coudn´t (<----) exactly explain, then the angel said: "Don´t say (tell) it to anyone, for the while, it will be our little secret, right? did (Did) you liked it?"

She nodded, mind blank from all those new sensations.

"Then, do you want me to be back in the future (come back)?"

She nodded again.

"then (<----- Capitalize) just don´t say anything, just trust..."

Without being able to talk or even maintain consciousness, she just slept (went back to sleep)...

"Sweetie?" Said (said) a familiar voice.

"Hi daddy..."

He showed (had on) a horrified face, like something truly hideous had happened and then said (,) "What is all this blood? are (Are) you alright? what (What) happened(?)"

He said, worried.

"I don´t know daddy(.) (I) had the best dream ever, an angel visited me...(Space after ellipses.) and he said i would carry the next messiah!"

"OH MY GOD! (Suggestion: No need to capitalize all of it. The exclamation mark is already doing the work for you.)"

Said her mother, horrified by the scene. (Where did she come from? I thought only her father was in the room.)

"Its allright (all right) darling, just stay outside!"

Her mother was pushed outside the room by her dad, while crying intensely.

"Call the cops!" He (he) said while shutting the door.

 

And suddenly, she heard that voice again, this time, coming from her father´s mouth: "You remeber (<------) our promisse(<------) right?" (If you ever have doubts about the meaning of a word or how to spell just go to dictionary.com)

The end.

 

Not sure what the viewer discretion was about but I didn't notice any taboo themes in your story, apart from the last line. I didn't get any strange vibes from reading that the father was stroking his daughter's hair cause it came off like a normal father/daughter relationship. Perhaps I need to read it a third time...

 

Anyway, the story is about a monster coming out from under the bed, seemingly from another dimension, in order to give the young girl a message about her being the host for the next messiah. I guess one could argue that this could be considered an invitation for something sexual and have it tied to the father because of what the last line implies. It didn't feel like there was much danger considering the young girl describes the monsters as angel, then again we don't know how the parents would describe the monster so I guess it just depends on the character's P.O.V. The blonde hair in itself is just an aesthetic feature, so I wasn't too concerned about that. Since you mentioned it was inspired by Saya no Uta I thought it was interesting how the monsters from the other realm personally make contact with her in order to let her know about her destiny. I know there is a lot of speculation about where Saya came from and whether there were others like her so I thought it was an interesting side of the universe to explore.

 

The ending is a bit ambiguous, and could either mean the father was the monster all along, or the monster took the father's form and disposed of his body. This would explain where the blood came from and what the monster's intentions are. The monster might chose to remain close to the young girl or watch from a distance. It'll be interesting to see what the monster does next. Good luck on your future drafts if you decide to continue!

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My usual line edits are in the spoiler tags. If you have any questions or concerns feel free to leave a comment on this thread. Most of the errors consisted of misspelled words and issues with how to set up the dialogue. There's a liberal use of ellipses, but it's not as if I can deter you from using them. It's preferable to end your sentence with a period instead of trailing off all the time like that.

 

"

there (There) are no monsters here (,) sweetie..." He (he) said in a loving tone (Suggestion: The loving tone is already implied in the dialogue because you used 'sweetie', so there's no need for it).

"But daddy..." She (she) said weakly, almost crying, (End your sentence with a period here.)

 

(Start new paragraph in order to signal a new speaker.) her (Her) father, seeing her light green (light-green) eyes watering up, placed a caring hand on top of her head and said reassuringly. (There should be a comma here.) "Don´t worry, daddy won´t leave you until you sleep, i (Capitalize the 'i' in the sentence.) will protect you from any kind of monsters..."

"Even the big ones?" She (she) said skeptically, glaring at her father with two intense green eyes. He just caressed her blonde (,) curly hair and said while looking at her (Said what? Dialogue should be right after if you're going to present it in this way.). She was such a delicate figure (I think you meant 'person' here.), slender and skinny, she just completed 10 years old (Suggestion: she just turned 10 a couple of days ago).

"Even the big ones. Now, let me tell you a story..."

Before long, despite being frightened by the monsters, she was defeated (overcome) by the comfort of her dad´s voice and her own tiredness (fatigue), she fell asleep, just to wake up right after by a noise under her bed (Suggestion: right after she heard a noise from under her bed).

Paralyzed by fear, she just stood (Suggestion: I don't think she was standing on her bed, so I assume you meant 'remained'.) still, (End your sentence here with a period.) she couldn´t see, the light (lights) were off, and despite his promise, dad wasn´t there to protect her from the monster (End your sentence with a period here. It;ll give the next sentence more impact.), she was defenseless against whatever was under her bed.

"you (Suggestion: The beginning of a sentence is always capitalized, so it should be 'You') liar..."

 

She thought to herself.

Noise again, now louder, (A period here.) she (She) tried to scream, but could only make (let out) a muffled sound, because something was blocking her mouth, something warm, like a hand. (Suggestion: And then she heard a voice.)Suddenly a voice.

"Please, do not scream... im (I'm) not going to hurt you..."

The voice was calm and warm but not exactly human, (Period here.) it was the soft voice of an angel, she thought.

"You are going to receive a miracle directly from God, do you believe in God?" He (he) said.

 

She coudn´t (couldn't) see his face, but it was definitively humanoid in shape. Because she was muted (silenced) by its hand, she coudn´t (couldn't) speak, so she just shake (shook) her head affirmatively.

"Then you have nothing to be afraid of, right?"

His voice was soft and pleasant, too soft and pleasant to the point it coudn´t (Same contraction misspelled again...) be human. She calmed instantly and signaled affirmatively (Suggestion: shook her head up and down).

"I will now give you the miracle of god, but you need to be quiet, if you say anything, i will not give you the miracle, you want that?"

This time she shakes (shook) her head negatively, perhaps this was a good-natured creature, she thought, i can thrust (trust) him, she thought (If it doesn't have quotation marks then I think it's safe to assume these are her thoughts. There's no need to write 'she thought' cause the reader knows what to expect if there's a lack of quotation marks.), assuming him being male (Suggestion: thinking it was male because of the sound of its voice). He just took his hand off her mouth and his obscured face changed expression, although she coudn´t see the exact features of his face, she noted that the creature was incredibly beautiful and angel-like, with long straight hairs that descended to his back.

"Who are you?" She (she) asked timidly.

"An emissary of god, im (I'm) gonna share his love to (with) his chosen one, just like the Virgin Mary... you like her?"

"Yes..."

"Then prepare to receive the next messiah, are you ready?"

She said yes, and then, the next minutes were filled with strange noises, feelings, pain and then pleasure... (Try to go into more depth as to what these sensations are. I just kind of glossed over them cause it didn't help me visualize anything.) she felt loved, more even so than the love her father shared with her. Then, just a suddenly as it had began, it all finished, after a climax she coudn´t (<----) exactly explain, then the angel said: "Don´t say (tell) it to anyone, for the while, it will be our little secret, right? did (Did) you liked it?"

She nodded, mind blank from all those new sensations.

"Then, do you want me to be back in the future (come back)?"

She nodded again.

"then (<----- Capitalize) just don´t say anything, just trust..."

Without being able to talk or even maintain consciousness, she just slept (went back to sleep)...

"Sweetie?" Said (said) a familiar voice.

"Hi daddy..."

He showed (had on) a horrified face, like something truly hideous had happened and then said (,) "What is all this blood? are (Are) you alright? what (What) happened(?)"

He said, worried.

"I don´t know daddy(.) (I) had the best dream ever, an angel visited me...(Space after ellipses.) and he said i would carry the next messiah!"

"OH MY GOD! (Suggestion: No need to capitalize all of it. The exclamation mark is already doing the work for you.)"

Said her mother, horrified by the scene. (Where did she come from? I thought only her father was in the room.)

"Its allright (all right) darling, just stay outside!"

Her mother was pushed outside the room by her dad, while crying intensely.

"Call the cops!" He (he) said while shutting the door.

 

And suddenly, she heard that voice again, this time, coming from her father´s mouth: "You remeber (<------) our promisse(<------) right?" (If you ever have doubts about the meaning of a word or how to spell just go to dictionary.com)

The end.

 

Not sure what the viewer discretion was about but I didn't notice any taboo themes in your story, apart from the last line. I didn't get any strange vibes from reading that the father was stroking his daughter's hair cause it came off like a normal father/daughter relationship. Perhaps I need to read it a third time...

 

Anyway, the story is about a monster coming out from under the bed, seemingly from another dimension, in order to give the young girl a message about her being the host for the next messiah. I guess one could argue that this could be considered an invitation for something sexual and have it tied to the father because of what the last line implies. It didn't feel like there was much danger considering the young girl describes the monsters as angel, then again we don't know how the parents would describe the monster so I guess it just depends on the character's P.O.V. The blonde hair in itself is just an aesthetic feature, so I wasn't too concerned about that. Since you mentioned it was inspired by Saya no Uta I thought it was interesting how the monsters from the other realm personally make contact with her in order to let her know about her destiny. I know there is a lot of speculation about where Saya came from and whether there were others like her so I thought it was an interesting side of the universe to explore.

 

The ending is a bit ambiguous, and could either mean the father was the monster all along, or the monster took the father's form and disposed of his body. This would explain where the blood came from and what the monster's intentions are. The monster might chose to remain close to the young girl or watch from a distance. It'll be interesting to see what the monster does next. Good luck on your future drafts if you decide to continue!

Well, i will address your points one at a time:

1. You absolutely correct on your corrections, please bear in mind that im not native of the english language, so i may have difficulties dealing with english grammar, so i thank you for pointing out my mistakes and typos. (well, its nto like i don´t do this while writing in Portuguese too, grammar isn´t ideal.)

2. The viewer discretion was inteded as a warning, because you can interpret the story in many ways, and some of those interpretations involve pedophilia, you understand? 

3. I didn´t left the nature of the "monster" clear, and that was completely intentional.

4. The blonde hair isn´t that significant. Because i was thinking about Saya while writing this, i didnpt wanted to let the girl too similar to her, so i made her curly blonde haired.

4. Bear in mind, this is a story from a biased point of view of an pious young girl, so my descriptions may or may not be accurate. Its up to you to say if it is truly what happened or nor. I gave only her fellings for you to work on.

5. Again, you can either interpret his "message" as a truly messianic one, or a cynical use of her piety to abuse her. I mean, how many catholic priests already did that to convince young impressionable children to do what they wanted? its up to you to decide if the message was true or not.

6. Your interpretation is quite interesting, i haven´t thought about this side. But i tend to be cynical about religion, so i almost always interpret things from a materialistic, pessimistic point of view. BUT, by no means you should take my word for it, for one there´s what i thought about while writing, and the diverse kinds of interpretations the reader can give to it, i mean, its not like i know what truly happened to her, im only her point of view, you understand? i mean, could it be either a monster disguising as her father, or it was indeed her father all along. see how i didn´t gave any kind of clue about her father´s appearance or even his voice.

Finally, im thinking about writing a sequel, but i fear i will not be able to keep things ambiguous enough to let it be open to interpretation. Perhaps i should read more lovecraft before continuing.

Thanks for the feedback, im happy you found it interesting. :D

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I'm not going to link to the blog where I originally posted this yet, as it's filled with some extremely personal anecdotes that I'm not quite comfortable sharing here (yet) but here is a poem I wrote the other day about internet/social media culture.

 

Take solace in all 
of the words that you write
the "fucks" and the "fags"
oh, the faceless you fight
as you fumble and freak
and you fester behind
the beautiful glow
of the monitor's light
This sick
photosynsthesis 
feeding your frail,
frail ego
finding your faith
in the fucking 
failure of people
finally filling yourself
with some sick, structureless
self-worth
 
Are you happy now?

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I prefer your first story because it had an air of mystery about it, what with the underground city and the strange hierarchy that most people were aware of. The pacing was also a bit better and there was more attention to movement in the first story. Apart from the same grammatical errors and syntax problems I keep encountering I also noticed that you have a habit of using too much exposition. This is bogging down your second story, especially at the beginning. Most of those facts aren't things the reader necessarily needs to know and there are better ways of revealing things about your characters. Subtle changes in their body language, their dialogue, and even the way they interact with their environment can help the reader understand what makes your characters tick and what makes them unique individuals. Stuff like their height and the color of their eyes isn't something the reader cares about in the grand scheme of things.

 

How characters mature throughout the story and how they struggle with conflict are more areas of your stories that need to be addressed. All the character descriptions are pertinent stuff for the author, but not necessarily something that needs to be explicitly said. Subtext adds another layer of complexity to your story and allows your characters to transcend from characters on the page to multifaceted people your reader will learn to like. Also, try to play around some more with your dialogue and disperse more of it in your story. It'll help somewhat with the pacing and create opportunities for conflict. More often than not it will lead to some sort of reaction which will it makes easier to transition on to other scenes.

 

Other than that, I recommend getting a cheap copy of this book which will help you with your grammar and syntax issues. It does take away from the reading experience when there are typos here and there which pop out at as one is going through the story, so just be aware of that.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Elements-Style-Fourth-William-Strunk/dp/020530902X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1423364346&sr=8-1&keywords=strunk+and+white%27s

Im really not cut out to be a writer

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Im really not cut out to be a writer

Don't be so quick to throw in the towel. This is a place where everyone should feel welcome to share their projects no matter what level they are currently at. It would be boring if everyone's writing was the same or everyone turned in stuff without any flaws. The whole point of the critique is help writers recognize where they're at and push them beyond their limits. As long as everyone puts in effort into their writing and rewrites then I see no reason why you should stop doing something you enjoy.

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I write a lot. Here's another poem; this one's about a breakup. It's a generic topic, I know, but stuff happens and it's hard to get over so I write about it.

 

I made it easy
I made it so easy for you
When I disappeared
you  could forget
your wrong
doing
When I disappeared
you couldn’t hear
you couldn’t hear my song anymore
But I guess that I don’t know
for sure
I mean it’s been a long time
and I didn’t forget
so maybe you still remember
or even think
of me
occasionally
But I don’t really know
so I assume
and my assumption is
probably spot on
but I didn’t forget
so maybe you still remember
I can’t even really
Honestly I can’t
keep my thoughts
together
It’s been a long time
It’s been too long
for me to care anymore
and I guess I don’t
but I didn’t forget
so maybe you still remember
I didn’t forget
and you’re still
whatever

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