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LinovaA

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Looking back through the topic, I finally spotted this.  Didn't see it at the end of the post before.

 

I found this excerpt rather disorienting.  Is it the opening to a larger work?  It seemed like thoughts were all over the place, even in the same paragraph.  Sometimes the word choice seemed off (lumbered through the woodwork?).  While you might have been trying to make a pun, doing so in the opening description where the readers have no idea what's going on yet is probably not the place.  You might want to think about how you can shorten sentences, trimming unnecessary information and words to convey your ideas more clearly.

 

You have a very descriptive writing style.  If you can focus that you could end up with very vivid scenes that draw the reader into your world.

 

Thanks for your input. :)

 

I definitely see what you mean by my word choice. I definitely have a long way to go in terms of my word choice. I believe verbose is a good way to describe it. heh heh. Hopefully I have improved on that since back when I first wrote it.

 

I'll post a more recent work sometime soon and see if I have improved since then, as I did write that specific excerpt over a year and a half ago now.

 

Greatly appreciate your time reading through it. 

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Inspired by LinovaA's fantasy story, I dug up the opening to a fantasy roleplay I wrote about 12 years ago.

 

Some context: This is the sequel to a long-running message board roleplay I participated in with several others.  It's based on the PC RPG Baldur's Gate II, and the main character Aerie is a character from that game.  We would take turns posting updates to the ongoing story.  The writing style is a bit immature, but you can see some of the influences shared with Memory's Burden, the first chapter of Memory's Wounds.  I wrote further additions to this story, but sadly they've long since been erased from the forum it was originally posted on.  This is all I have left of it.

 

Comments are welcome, but don't worry about in-depth line-by-line critique; it's an orphaned work that I don't intend to develop further, and I realize it has some issues that I would have to address if I were going to continue it now.

 

Soulforge: Destiny's Prelude

 

Fatigue lined her features as the young woman, kneeling, gazed at the ebon orb in her hand, no bigger than a large pebble, smooth and shimmering in the last light of dusk.  It wasn’t long before her hand began to tremble under its weight, and she reluctantly tucked it into the bag of holding at her side.  She breathed a sigh of relief as the weight disappeared.  She had half-expected the orb to jump back out, like some disobedient child.  When dealing with powerful magic, one just never knew.  Well, most anyone.  She smiled privately. Magus would have known.  An expert on all things magical (and many other things besides), he could identify multitudes of common magical items just by their “feel.”  A remarkable man, he was.

She sighed, a gentle breeze blowing through her silky golden-brown hair, as if in sympathy.  Even haggard as she was, her beauty was breathtaking.  Young by elven standards, she was slim and shapely, her skin a soft, smooth white even after the travels of the past two months.  Her face was angular and refined, her ears slender and pointed, unmistakable signs of her elven heritage.  With the scars on her back long healed by potent divine magic, only the glimmering silvery tattoos on her cheeks and forehead remained to hint at her true ancestry.  Few indeed were those who knew she was a full-blooded avariel, one of the rare and exquisite people of the sky.

But most striking of all was the shy innocence that shone in her features like an inner light, softening a face worn by hardship and fatigue.  Though that innocence had been tempered as of late by grief and loss, in her almond, blue-grey eyes lied a faith and trust in the good peoples of Faerun that would never disappear, no matter the malice, deception, and depravity she might face.

-Darkness is upon us.  It would be best to be away from here- whispered a dark, ghostly voice in her mind, like an errant thought.

Aerie turned to regard her friend and companion.  Two disembodied crimson eyes stared back at her from the shadows, then returned to their watchful vigil.  With her sharp elven eyes, she could just make out the hakeashar’s murky form in the dim light.  An incorporeal creature formed of pure magical essence, a hakeashar was a formidable foe.  Immune to unenchanted weapons, they had a voracious appetite for anything magical, and were known to devour minor magical blades before a foe’s very eyes.  But Void was unique.  Familiar to the renowned Archmage Magus, Void had powers that even surpassed those of his common kin.  Inhumanly intelligent, he often amused himself by toying with humans and their demi-human ilk, whose boundless propensity for ignorance and blind stupidity never failed to entertain him.[1]  Yet, as Aerie well knew, there was more to Void than met the eye.  Beneath the hostile, alien exterior was a loyal friend, and a fearless guardian.  And though he played well the role of the demonic servant, he found no pleasure in taking life for its own sake.  Well, for the most part, anyway…

But never mistake Void for a mere minion.  For even Magus knew the folly of that.

Aerie nodded and rose, shivering as a chill wind blew by, biting through her pure white woolen robes as if they were rags.  Against the chill of death…mere garments were no barrier.  She fingered her holy symbol and glanced around nervously.  Crumbling gravestones and weathered tombs were all that remained of the ruined cemetery.  Piles of bones littered the area here and there.  Around them lied odd bits of weaponry and other adventuring gear, strewn about in various states of disrepair.  That no one before had entered and left here alive was testament to the deadly legacy of the Netherese.  Only with Void’s aid had she even managed to slip past the arcane barrier surrounding the place.  And now that she had the artifact, they had the only way out.

-Quickly! They come!-

She broke into a sprint as the night came to life.  All around the earth shook and overturned as the dead of Netheril rose again, their ranks swelled by centuries of fallen adventurers.  Aerie ran for her life, knowing full well the price of death in this place.  A putrid corpse, a zombie lord, climbed from the earth ahead, placing itself in her path.  Without slowing Aerie pulled a meticulously detailed mace of finest silver from her hip and struck the creature.  The mace flashed brilliantly, and in the next instant there was nothing left but a pile of ash.  She continued running.   She was almost to the barrier when a bony hand reached up from the ground and grabbed her ankle.  She fell, hard.  Pain shot up her leg like wild fire.  Sensing the mass of evil closing in, she grabbed her holy symbol and beseeched her goddess, Aerdrie Faenya, for aid.  Blinding white light surrounded her even as her first contingency triggered, mending her knee as the undead swarming around her felt the divine wrath of the Avariel’s patron goddess.  Skeleton warriors crumbled and vengeful revenants cowered before the hateful light, and in seconds Aerie was on her feet again.  She raced for the barrier, reaching into her bag, not daring to pull the orb out until she was there for fear of dropping it.  Finally she reached the barrier’s edge.

She felt the weight heavy in her hand as she drew the orb forth.  It began to shine with a black light.  It pulsated, and a breech slowly started to form in the barrier.

Suddenly a cold, slimy hand grabbed her from behind.  Her body stiffened as the fingers wrapped crushingly around her neck.  Turning her head with a tremendous effort of will, she looked into the grinning skeletal face of a lich.  She tried to struggle, but it was hopeless.  She was completely paralyzed.

Two crimson eyes appeared behind the lich.  In the next instant it was screaming, a terrible deathly wail, and Aerie was on the ground gasping for breath.  The orb was on the ground next to her, lifeless.  She grabbed it, and the repaired barrier began to part once more.  The lich’s shrieking was quickly fading.  She glanced over her shoulder. Void was wrapped around the lich, draining the last bit of magical essence from its ancient frame.  The lich gave a last shudder and vanished in a cloud of dust.

She could hear the horde closing in.  The breech was almost big enough to fit through…just a little more.  If only she could use her spells...but the orb was too heavy, and she feared disturbing it might cause the hole to close again.  She felt a rush of heat behind her as Void began to unleash the magic he had regained from his feeding.

-Hurry!- Void hissed.

“I know, I know!” she whispered, speaking aloud out of habit.  There! It was open!  She began to rise…but her arm wouldn’t cooperate.  The orb!  It wouldn’t budge!

-What?  Leave it, then!  We’ll come back for it- Void commanded sharply.  The more powerful undead were already breaking through his fire wall.  He zapped them with spidery bolts of lightning, but it only slowed them.

Aerie shook her head violently.  “No!  It might not open again!  I’m not leaving without it!”  She released the orb and chanted the words to a spell.  The hole began to close.

-…Fool!  Do you think the ancient magicks of Netheril would be compromised by some modern cantrip?!-

Aerie ignored him.  She finished the spell.  The hole stopped closing.  She picked up the orb, now light as before.  “Let’s go!”  She dove through the hole as spectral hands grabbed the thin air where she’d been only a second before.

Void only paused to disdainfully snag a helmed horror before he too jetted through the collapsing gateway.


[1] Void would scoff at being called a “he.”  After all…a hakeashar is genderless.

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here, this an assignment for an English class it has to be about superheroes it's only a 750 min so i'm much past. but anyway if somebody could give it a quick look over and tell me if it's too boring that would be great. any spelling errors i'll fix later.

“Man it’s freezing here compared to Mercury.” “I’m sure it is” Jim gave a sideways look at Dave. Although Jim had no way to know what the temperature difference was, after three months of this he figured it was simpler to agree. “You should see it up there, the sun is huge!” “You know I can’t” Jim said following a sigh. “Right, sorry” Dave’s smile quickly turned to a frown. The rest of the walk was silent this gave Jim some time to think; he thought about how he got to this ridiculous situation and how he was going to make sure no one found out about Dave. Dave was a little unusual for a couple reasons first he was adopted; he was always curious about his parents but he started to search every weekend three months ago. That’s the other unusual thing about Dave he could do things, things that people made comics about, Dave had super powers.

They didn’t seem like super powers, more like abilities we often joked that his real parents were aliens and that on his home planet everyone could do that. This seemed like the best theory but we had but always dismissed it because he looks just like any other kid. Dave had curly black hair and brown eyes he was average height with an average build. Their parents really didn’t try too hard to hide that he was adopted even if they did it wouldn’t have lasted long; Jim looked nothing like his younger brother he was tall with blonde hair that went to his eyes the only thing that they had in common was their eye color and knowledge of his “powers”.

“There it is” Dave gave an excited little hop that lasted just a second too long. “Hey you can’t be doing that here.” As per usual Dave didn’t really care who found out about his abilities. “You know if they found out about you they would capture you and there would be endless experiments” Dave didn’t understand how greedy people could be if they found out they would try to take it. Jim never really wanted those powers maybe it was just in spite of those people who would take them or maybe he just refused to acknowledge the jealousy for his brother’s abilities. “Even if they came after to me all I would have to do is fly away I doubt they could follow me.” “Do you think they would stop looking after you flew away; they would find you so let’s just avoid that okay?” “Fine” he agreed begrudgingly “I won’t tell anyone”.

Today was the first day at a new school we had to leave from California when someone saw Dave fly in front of a train to save a child. The school year was already half way over so most of the groups were together and shunned the others. It would have been a painless walk up to the front door and to the front office all we had to do was keep our heads down and not talk to anyone. Dave was not the kind of person to keep their head down no matter the situation “so how’s everyone doing over here?” Of course the first group that he interrupted was the group of cheerleader types. When I say cheerleaders it’s not like I knew they were cheerleaders it’s just the air they gave off. “go away” one of them sneered it really could have been any of them but it was just too hard to tell which one. “Okay then, away we go” luckily Dave didn’t have super strength or it would have been impossible to pull him away.” Hey what are you doing” “I’m taking you to the front office”.

The school was big it was at least twice the size of his last school. His parents decided the best way to hide is in a giant crowd so we moved from the small town in Florida to a bigger city. So as a trade for horrible traffic and loud nights we lost our identity we became another part of the crowd. The front desk was empty and there was no one else around for such a big place it was pretty empty. “Hello” Jim called hoping there was someone in one of the smaller rooms. The main room was small worth lots of connecting rooms each a different shade of blue which was evidently the school’s color. “Hello yes who’s there” A short blonde woman came out of the office she appeared to have been working and did not like to be disrupted. “hi yes we’re new student and we we’re wondering about our classes”. She looked us over “you must be the Trills, come with me.”

She took as back to her office it was one of the brightest blues on her desk was a pile of papers, a crossword puzzle and a mug that said “best principal”. “Here are your schedules most of the classes that you chose were taken up so you got any classes with a open seat.” She handed both a sheet, as they compared they found they had three out of the four classes together. The Principal then went back to her crossword they took that as a sign to leave as they left they saw the sign on the door saying Ms. Gilby. “Okay our first class is” “aw who cares come on I hear we can get on the roof”. Dave ran off in the direction of the stairs after about 10 minutes of searching they found the stairs.

“All clear” Jim yelled from around the corner. “Great” when Jim rounded the corner and Dave was already in the air it seemed weird when he flew not just for the oblivious reason but I couldn’t figure out how he did it. He could levitate so it wasn’t like a giant jump it might be easier if Dave would be more interested but all he cared about was the fact that he could do it. “Hey stay low someone might see you” “you worry too much its fine everyone’s in class” it seemed like a good assumption but of course the door opened.

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The number one problem I'm noticing is that you don't start a new paragraph when a new person speaks.  That's a standard cue for readers that lets them know that the person speaking has changed.

 

The second problem that leaves me disoriented is that I have no idea where the story is taking place or why the characters are there until the third paragraph.  You'll notice in movies and anime that whenever a scene changes, they'll give a couple of zoomed out images showing that the characters are standing in a building in such and such area to reorient viewers.  If you take a look at Memory's Wounds, you'll see that I orient readers to the immediate setting in the first paragraph of both Ch. 1 and Ch. 2.

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The number one problem I'm noticing is that you don't start a new paragraph when a new person speaks.  That's a standard cue for readers that lets them know that the person speaking has changed.

 

The second problem that leaves me disoriented is that I have no idea where the story is taking place or why the characters are there until the third paragraph.  You'll notice in movies and anime that whenever a scene changes, they'll give a couple of zoomed out images showing that the characters are standing in a building in such and such area to reorient viewers.  If you take a look at Memory's Wounds, you'll see that I orient readers to the immediate setting in the first paragraph of both Ch. 1 and Ch. 2.

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That looks better.  A lot better actually.  I can actually follow now and I don't have the urge to skim through as fast as possible.  You should also mention that they're on the way to school in the first few sentences.

 

Next you need to fix the grammar.  Every dialogue segment should end with punctuation.  Another example is this:

 

 

Dave was a little unusual for a couple reasons first he was adopted
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Next you need to fix the grammar.  Every dialogue segment should end with punctuation.  Another example is this:

 

 

That's not grammatically correct.

 

You also have a number of comma issues.  You'll really need to study up on commas and comb through your text since your sentences are literally filled with comma errors: one or two almost every sentence.  While I play fast and loose with commas myself, your problems are so prevalent that they can't be allowed to slide.

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If you want feedback on the plot (sooner rather than later) I'd suggest outlining your concept from start to finish and presenting a basic scenario.  As it is now the technical issues are obfuscating the story you're trying to tell.

 

I'm not sure how old you are or if English is your native language.  You might want to consider seeking feedback from your peers, as they might be more lenient in judging your work.  As you asked for tips to improve your work, I'm just going to keep picking until I see something that looks professional.

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If you want feedback on the plot (sooner rather than later) I'd suggest outlining your concept from start to finish and presenting a basic scenario.  As it is now the technical issues are obfuscating the story you're trying to tell.

 

I'm not sure how old you are or if English is your native language.  You might want to consider seeking feedback from your peers, as they might be more lenient in judging your work.  As you asked for tips to improve your work, I'm just going to keep picking until I see something that looks professional.

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You might want to consider why this is such a "special" day in Dave's life.  He's had superpowers for a long time, yet this string of climatic events happens only now.  Why?  Answering that question is the key to transitioning from an unlikely children's fantasy to a more realized tale that might actually take place if such superpowers actually existed.  That's what I term a "realized" or consistent setting.  You should also consider why a word would be such a strange trigger.  Everything that happens should have an underlying basis in the world you've built.

 

Just my own idea, but the trigger concept makes a little more sense if he's a human-developed bioweapon rather than an alien.  But why would a human bioweapon be walking free?  More questions...

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Just my own idea, but the trigger concept makes a little more sense if he's a human-developed bioweapon rather than an alien.  But why would a human bioweapon being walking free?  More questions...

actually i might just steal that idea from you instead of the word randomly working for no apparent reason it could have been a code word used on the weapon to activate it and send it on a rampage. thank you for that i might make it so he was a sleeper agent from a different country sent to take out america if they went to war and america started to go to war with that country so he was activated but it didn't work completely so another agent had to be sent in to activate him with his code word. But it some how went wrong so only Jim could use the word. 

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(Sorry in advance if this is a bit too Wall of Text-y, seeing as how it's not in response to anyone in particular.) Hello everyone. It's occurred to me that I haven't visited this place in a few weeks. That disappoints me. I honestly can't believe that I forgot about this place. Makes me feel like an idiot... then again I've doing a butt-load of other stuff, but still. Well, in any case I'm glad to be back. At least I actually started writing another story these past couple days. It's set in Poland about a week before the German Invasion.

I'd post it here, though I'm not entirely sure I can post a work-in-progress in this forum. Personally I don't see why not, but I'd rather make sure before going ahead and doing things like posting an unfinished story in here. Interestingly enough it's going to be my second longest work. When I get the okay, I hope you all enjoy it, because I've enjoyed it. Hell, I've even been surprised at it when writing some of the later scenes. There's been very few times I've surprised myself with my own writing. It truly is a fascinating phenomenon, if that's even the right word for it.

And with the end of this post I've got two questions. 1. Has that phenomenon happened to anyone else? and because I can't find anything on Google, 2. Did Poland have any kind of military infrastructure to speak of prior to the invasion? And if not would there be a way to explain them having soldiers, maybe for self defense purposes or something?

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I'm often surprised how my writing turns out.

 

Poland had a standing army.  They were completely unprepared for the speed and scale of the German invasion, just as Belgium and France were later.  No one, including their allies Britain and France, thought they would fall so quickly.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_of_Poland#Polish_defence_plan

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I'm often surprised how my writing turns out.

 

Poland had a standing army.  They were completely unprepared for the speed and scale of the German invasion, just as Belgium and France were later.  No one, including their allies Britain and France, thought they would fall so quickly.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_of_Poland#Polish_defence_plan

Thank you for that link, I've been searching for just that kind of info. Though it was mostly because a friend of mine had said Poland was primarily a pacifistic country and didn't have that large of a military presence as a result, and I couldn't really find that much to verify it.

May I ask what you've been surprised by? Was it an idea you didn't think you were capable of? Or did you not expect where you went with your stories? Or maybe something else along those lines? I've only ever been surprised three times. All from three separate works, including the one I'm currently working on. Funnily enough it was all either something to do with brutality or a creepy coincidence. And the coincidence I didn't notice until I was finished with one of my stories and re-read it.

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I'm often surprised that the finished product turned out as well as it did.  I always have this nagging feeling in my mind that past accomplishments were either the result of good fortune or that I was more capable / motivated back then.  I'm very pessimistic by nature, so I'm always expecting poor outcomes.

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I'm often surprised that the finished product turned out as well as it did.  I always have this nagging feeling in my mind that past accomplishments were either the result of good fortune or that I was more capable / motivated back then.  I'm very pessimistic by nature, so I'm always expecting poor outcomes.

How many stories have you finished? Also, would it be all right if I showed you a story I'm working on? I'd like some feedback on it, if that's all right.

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Strictly speaking, I've finished 1 short story.  And that was for a writing class.  Which is now part of a larger work.  So...0?

 

As for feedback, I'm happy to provide feedback on your work if you provide feedback on mine.  Specifically, the work in progress in my signature.

Already began reading it. I'm a couple pages in, and I like your writing style and word choice so far. And I'm quite astonished that you've written 41 pages worth. That's impressive. My story so far is 8 pages with about 3,000 words. What's your word count?

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The word count is 13,600 currently.

Just finished Chapter 2. Sorry it took so long, had to do several things. So far I really like it. A couple of things I particularly enjoyed was the comment about Windows 95 being the best, as well as the "Geh." thing, mostly because it reminded me of a character from the VN Rewrite that said the same word. I've got a few questions at this point. Nothing bad, just some things that I'm curious about.

1. Are you still writing the story or has it been brought to it's conclusion?

2. Now, considering that this may be because I'm early on, I'm not exactly seeing any set-in-stone plot direction. Does it get more plot focused soon? I'm not saying that's a bad thing, in fact I admire the pacing and introduction to the world in the first and second chapter, I'm merely asking if a determined plot comes along at some point down the road. Now, what I will say about that is this. I do have some sense of it, being that it will likely have something to do with Sena, but again nothing set-in-stone yet, at least that I can see. Though I would understand if him coping with the whole accident is the central plot, but I'm not sure if that's what it is at this point.

Sorry if that second question seemed a bit critical, it's just what was on my mind. I'm going to continue to the next chapter. In the meantime, can I post my story so you can provide your opinion on it?

 

Thank you for your time and showing me your story, sanahtlig. It's a good read, I like it.

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It's a work in progress.  I anticipate it's less than half finished at this point.

 

I have an overarching plot in mind from Ch. 2 onwards.  Brian's summer vacation is 4 months.  The story is currently at the end of week 2.  I have a list of events in mind spanning that entire time period.  As you can imagine, there's quite a bit left to be written.

 

The story's focus is the developing relationship between Brian and Sena.  Other thematic elements include Brian's relationship with his mother, exploring his hobbies including anime and games, and exploring his somewhat odd views of the world.

 

If you've just finished Ch. 2, you probably don't have a good sense of this yet.  I consider Ch. 1 the prelude, Ch. 2 the introduction, and Ch. 3 to be where the "action" starts.

 

Sure, post your story and I'll take a look at it when I get the chance.

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Here it is. Just so that you're aware I'm not too sure what a Polish soldier would have as an accessory, so I put the Star of David as one until I can figure out something more fitting. Keep in mind that where there is a different language being spoken, the translation is underneath. Sorry it took so long to post this, had to do things elsewhere. Also, beware, as there are depictions of gore in case that makes anyone uncomfortable.

 

"Ms. Vladislava, I've got a quite important theory of mine to test, if you'll allow me to do so." said a man in front of me. To be more precise, a soldier who stripped me of my weapons and led me into the Polish wilderness with a gun to my back to "ask me a question".

 

"Just try, motherfucker." nearly came from my mouth, but "Go ahead." went in those words' place. He pointed the gun at my head. He smiled, believing he had the upper hand. I closely watched his lips.

 

"I'll only ask once. Who the Hel-" I closed the distance between us and gave him an uppercut. His tongue fell to the ground as he dropped to his knees in pain. I saw a glimmer of a bear trap a couple feet away. My lips curled to form an evil grin. I grabbed his collar and dragged him over to the trap and put his head above it.

 

"You'd better try and keep your balance, or this'll get messy quick." I told the man as I stood on his back and ordered him to begin doing pushups.

 

"Assuming you were going to ask who I was, I'm your killer. Plain and simple. Never attempt to threaten me. Anyone who does so, even if they are my ally, will be crushed by me without hesitation or mercy." I explained as he struggled to do pushups. If he just held himself up, I'd shift my weight to force him down. I began counting his pushups aloud.

 

"Eight, Nine, Ten. Good job. Have a reward." I said as I jumped up and landed on his back. The bear trap clamped down onto his skull, killing him. Almost. I could tell he was still alive. Only a portion of his brain got detached. He was still breathing, but neither an insult nor a scream came from his lips. The near-dead man at my feet was no longer capable of moving, but he was capable of feeling absolute terror as he watched himself bleed out in the forest, with not a single soul to witness his death. The last thing he ever heard was the howling laughter of the woman responsible for his demise.

 

I heard screaming coming from the direction of the person I'd killed. It was a hunter. He must've came back to check the trap he set. I snuck up behind him. He noticed me, turned around, and pointed a rifle at me. I knocked it from his hands. I bit down on his nose and pulled it off of his face. I put my left arm up to shield the blood from spraying on my face. He screamed. In the middle of his scream, I wrapped my left hand around his throat and the scream abruptly ceased as his windpipe was slowly being collapsed. He began clawing at my arm. My sleeve ripped. He saw my arm and tried screaming at the top of his lungs, but couldn't. My nails were already digging into his jugular veins.

 

I began looking for places to stash the bodies until I came across a lake. I forced open the bear trap with my hands and pulled the vegetable from it. I dragged the bodies near the lake and dug a few graves. I shoved the both of the bodies into their respective graves. I spit on them and headed back to the town.

 

I checked the gun and equipment on my belt. I saw the Star of David around my neck sway and gleam in the sunlight. There was blood on it. Shit. I saw there were specks of blood on my blazer as well. I rushed to a bathroom. I scrubbed away the blood as quickly and as best I could. I saw a newspaper that was left near the sink.

 

It was detailing Nazi Germany's spread among the Eastern World and Hitler's reign over Germany with an iron fist. Russia was allies with them as well, making their spread incredibly efficient. I would've read more, but someone interrupted me.

 

"Hello Vladislava." I took a glance at myself in the mirror. Clean. I knew the voice, so I didn't need to see who he was. I turned around.

 

"Ah, hello Ostromir." I greeted him with a smile. We shook hands.

 

"Were you hunting?" I must've missed something. Found it. My body almost froze. My sleeve. It was gone.

 

I covered my arm.

 

"Yeah, could you get me a fresh pair of clothes from somewhere?" I said, trying to maintain my composure. I walked through town like that. Anyone could've seen.

 

"Yes, ma'am." said Ostromir with a delighted smile as he rushed off. He returned quickly. He gave me a new uniform and promptly left after I thanked him. I waited about 10 seconds before doing anything. I gave the mirror a strong right hook without thinking to hold back, even by a little bit. It shattered into an uncountable amount of pieces, with the wall behind the mirror suffering sufficient damage as well. Several shards were lodged into my fingers. It didn't hurt. I barely realized I was bleeding. I pulled the shards of glass from my right hand. I ripped cloth from my right sleeve to make a temporary bandage. Shortly after, I changed clothes.

 

After taking everything important from my old clothing, I left the bathroom. I blended with a nearby crowd as I saw soldiers rush past into the bathroom. Took them long enough. Were they sitting around with their thumbs up their asses? By the time they came out of the bathroom to question people, I was long gone.

 

I went to the barracks, which was home to one of the very few established military presences in the country. I went into my living quarters. There were two desks, and a bunk in mine. I'd asked for a private bunk, so no one else resided here but me. I had also requested that the bunk be replaced with a single bed and for the extra desk to be removed, but that had yet to be fulfilled.

 

I sat down at my desk when the sun began fading, following this past weeks routine to the dot. I opened a drawer and retrieved a book from it. There was a piece of tape on the cover that labeled the book. Diary.

 

I skimmed over the entries.

 

Friday, August 18th, 1939

 

Passed Boot Camp.

 

Saturday, August 19th, 1939

 

Joined Polish Army.

 

Sunday, August 20th, 1939

 

Did night patrol. Nothing out of the ordinary.

 

Monday, August 21st, 1939

 

Met Ostromir.

 

Tuesday, August 22nd, 1939

 

Caught thief trying to steal firearms from the main barracks

 

Wednesday, August 23rd, 1939

 

Did morning patrol. Old man collecting his newspaper said hello. Waved back.

 

Thursday, August 24th, 1939

 

Ostromir says he needs a place to stay. He felt uncomfortable at his place. Considering to offer him my place for a while.

 

I filled in today’s entry.

 

Friday, August 25th, 1939

 

Almost killed. More than once.

 

I closed my diary and put it in it's drawer as I heard footsteps passing by. The footsteps got farther until I could no longer hear them. I quickly slid into the top bunk and fell asleep. I woke up a few minutes later to two people whispering in a different language. It soon dawned on me. They were spies.

 

"Können wir angreifen?"

"Can we attack?"

 

"Nein."

"No."

 

"Warum nicht?"

"Why not?"

 

"Weil ich es sage. Nicht gehorchen einen direkten befehl, und ich werde dich töten."

"Because I said so. Disobey a direct order, and I will kill you."

 

I began walking out of my barrack. I picked up and unsheathed a saber near the door on the way out. It was a keepsake of mine. The handle and the emblem were extremely faded.

 

"You've got til my patience runs out to tell me who the fuck you two are and why you woke me up." I ordered as I walked outside. They stared at me, either surprised or bewildered. I walked up to them.

 

"Time's up." I said with a smile as I struck downward in front of one of the men. I took great care to do it far enough away to not actually hit him in the head or torso. He dropped to his knees in pain and almost screamed. The only thing that stopped him was the saber at his chin.

 

“Make any noise, and this sword will skewer your brain quicker than a shishkabob.” Unable to scream at the risk of death, he passed out from the stress of the situation. Or it could’ve been blood loss.

 

I stared at the other man. He was sweating.

 

“Well, no matter. I already know who you are.” I finished as I tapped him in his chest with my left palm, hitting him just hard enough to permanently stop his heart.

 

I didn’t bother hiding the bodies, I knew a way to justify this. A proper way. I took the knives from their belts and scrawled the word “Spies” into their foreheads.

 

I saw a small glint of light some distance away in a bunch of trees, but I decided to return to my bed. I didn’t want to investigate, I just wanted to go to sleep.

 

I woke up the next morning to a few soldiers in a crowd. Oh yeah, the spies. Forgot about those. I walked out to greet the soldiers, but stopped. Again, again, again. I had overlooked something again. God-fucking-damnit. How the hell had I forgotten to wipe the blood from my saber? I really needed to stop being so damn careless.

 

I got a cloth and made sure to wipe it off so much that even I wasn’t able to tell that it’d been used. I didn’t want to risk taking it with me so I put it underneath the top bunks bed covers. I went to my desk and opened a drawer. I saw the crude diary I’d made. I grabbed it and removed the tape. I put the now titleless book into my blazer and left out the back door.

 

I bumped into Ostromir.

 

"Sorry." he apologized before I could. I reciprocated his apology.

 

“So, where are you off to this morning Vladislava?” he asked.

 

“Mess Hall.” I lied through my teeth. In all honestly, I wanted away from my bunk. Rid of it, in fact. I got an idea.

 

“Ostromir, you said yesterday that you’d been looking for a better place to reside?” I casually asked.

 

“Yeah, why? Did you find a good place?” he was curious about it. That was good.

 

“Follow me.” I replied as I showed him the way to my recently abandoned place of living.

 

He seemed to like it.

 

“Just don’t touch the top bunk. It’s on the verge of breaking. I’d meant to replace it, but I haven’t been able to.” He bought the lie with an affirmative nod. I couldn't risk him finding the saber, a weapon that I shouldn't have had in the first place.

 

I walked outside and reached the main compound. I found the Commanding Officer, Blagovest, and got his attention.

 

“Sir.” I greeted him with a salute.

 

“Ah, Vladislava. Good to see you. I heard what happened, that must’ve been horrible to have happen right outside of your living quarters.” he explained with grief. I blinked several times. As if in shock.

 

“Wait, what? What happened?” I asked. Blagovest looked confused.

 

“The soldiers branded as spies right outside of your living quarters. You haven’t heard?” he questioned.

 

“No, I gave Ostromir my place for the past two days. He said he needed a place to stay and I told him he could live in my quarters for a little bit. He’s been robbed at his place and was almost killed.” I told him the first thing that came to mind. Another fish took the bait.

 

“That was nice of you to do. Could he have killed the spies? Why would he take that into his own hands rather than notify the proper authorities? How did he even find out?” he questioned me to relieve his curiosity, though he expected no answers in the first place.

 

I suddenly heard shouting. It came from my living quarters.

 

“Let go of me! I told you that I don’t know anything!” It was Ostromir. He was being dragged off by a few soldiers. Blagovest went up to the group of soldiers.

 

“What the fuck is going on here soldiers?” he demanded with a stern voice.

 

“We found a saber in the top bunk of the bed, sir. It was the weapon most likely used to kill one of the spies.” began the first soldier.

 

“When we asked him how he knew they were spies, he said he didn't know what was going on. We’re taking him into custody for interrogation. Since he is unable to explain, we believe that this man is a spy trying to remove the possibility of such a claim by killing other ones, sir.” continued the second soldier. Blagovest smiled.

 

“Good job soldiers. I’ll get someone whom I believe is most capable of effective interrogation. In the meantime, take him somewhere safe.” he explained. The soldiers left with a salute.

 

“Vladislava, I believe we’ve found ourselves a weed. I want you to rip it from the ground. Roots and all.” finished Blagovest as he waved to me while retreating to his private quarters. Though he wasn't facing me, I gave a salute.

 

“Yes sir.”

 

I found a place to interrogate him. It was an old factory. I began concocting an effective method for interrogation. After searching the factory, I found a large industrial fan. I turned it on as a test. It was incredibly forceful. I smiled. After turning it off, I went to the mess hall to look for a bite to eat as well as some rock salt.

 

When I finished eating I obtained a large bottle of rock salt. After tracking down the soldiers, they hauled Ostromir to the factory for me.

 

After strapping him into a metal chair I began the process. I turned on the industrial fan. It whirred into motion. It was very strong. I picked up the rock salt and poured it into the fan's path. It assaulted his skin. I added more salt into the path. He was bleeding. I stopped the fan.

 

With salt in his skin, tears streamed down his face and hit the ground. He held his head down. It must have been pretty painful, not that I'd felt bad for him or anything. As far as I was concerned he was trash. When I heard him, he didn't sound like he was in pain, in fact it was as if he enjoyed it. He began laughing loudly. Like he had triumphed. I realized that his tears weren't of pain. They were joy.

 

"Y'know, I've been watching you for a while now, 'Vladislava'." began Ostromir with a laugh. I felt disturbed for the first time in a while. The inflection to his voice changed completely. His accent changed too. Like how he was speaking before was an act. How long had he been watching me? He pronounced my name oddly as well. He continued.

 

"I know that you set me up. I intentionally took the bait just so I could have this chance to speak with you. I'm going to put this in simple terms. You fascinate me. The way you cut down anyone in your path astonishes me. And I've been watching you from even before you joined this Piss Platoon you refer to as the Polish-" I didn't want to hear him speak anymore. I went up to him and tried headbutting him as hard as I could. He moved his head, so I headbutted the chair, and it fragmented into several pieces. Free from the chair, he stood up.

 

"Nice try buttercup, I have the upper hand on you, so you can't touch me." he explained with a sadistic smile. We'll see about that. I gave him a strong right hook. He blocked it with his arm. His sleeve got torn to shreds, but everything else was still intact. Chills went through my body.

 

"My God, that's not possible." I couldn't believe it. I noticed he’d stopped bleeding too. His wounds… they healed. He held up three fingers.

 

"Three things: One, You'll be incredibly lucky if you get any divine help, so don't bother with that remark. Second, it is possible. It just happened. And third, I can tell you're pretty angry. You just used your dominant hand. You don't use that without good reason, or when you're just pissed off." he said with a mocking smile and accompanying laugh.

 

"Not that you have a choice, but if you willingly let me go, I won't say anything to anyone. Oh, and by the way, you did an excellent job in dispatching those spies, and I find it impressive that you noticed me from that distance, though I shouldn't expect any less from you, P-" He gasped. "Oops, almost spilled your secret." he finished as he put his fingers over his mouth mockingly. He knew that I couldn't defeat him. He was indirectly flaunting that fact in my face. I hung my head and sighed. I had no choice but to let him go.

 

"Ah, just to make sure you don't get any bright ideas, here's why you shouldn't follow me or try anything stupid." he said as a grin crept upon his face. He grabbed me by the hair and lifted me up. He punched me in the gut. I wasn't expecting much, but I was immediately proven wrong by the fact that I completely lost my breath. He dropped me to the ground and I started gagging.

 

"That, Vladislava," he began as he started walking away, "was nothing but a love tap."

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Summary: The story follows a female recruit who joins the Polish army in the fall of 1939, just prior to the German invasion.  She murders a man who threatens her in the wilderness, then murders a witness.  She discovers 2 German spies and murders them.  An acquaintance of her's becomes a suspect for the murder of the spies, and is turned over to her for torture.  The suspect, who turns out to have superhuman abilities, turns the tables on her and escapes.

 

Here's a collection of my thoughts on your work:

 

Clarity of writing:

The sentences are mostly solid and pretty easy to read.  I was able to follow what was happening without difficulty, for the most part.  This is the work's main strength.

 

 

 

"Ms. Vladislava, I've got a quite important theory of mine to test, if you'll allow me to do so." said a man in front of me. To be more precise, a soldier who stripped me of my weapons and led me into the Polish wilderness with a gun to my back to "ask me a question".

“A man in front of me” with a gun to her back?  You need to work on painting this scene better for the reader.

 

Setting:

An enlisted female soldier in the standing Polish army in 1939 seems unlikely.

A soldier wouldn’t call her commanding officer by name, especially in peacetime.

 

 

 

It was detailing Nazi Germany's spread among the Eastern World and Hitler's reign over Germany with an iron fist. Russia was allies with them as well, making their spread incredibly efficient.

Russia didn’t enter the war until Poland’s military had already been crushed, weeks after Germany invaded.  They weren’t allies; they simply agreed to divvy up Poland.

 

Characters:

The main heroine seems utterly insane.  Some exploration of this seems warranted.

Why does she know German?

 

Style: A distinct flavor of gratuitousness pervades the work.

 

Overall: I don’t get a very good sense of a well-realized, believable setting with autonomous characters; instead the setting seems more like a house of wooden studs with stickmen for characters that were constructed to serve the plot.

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Here's a collection of my thoughts on your work:

 

Clarity of writing:

The sentences are mostly solid and pretty easy to read.  I was able to follow what was happening without difficulty, for the most part.  This is the work's main strength.

 

 

 

“A man in front of me” with a gun to her back?  You need to work on painting this scene better for the reader.

 

Setting:

An enlisted female soldier in the standing Polish army in 1939 seems unlikely.

A soldier wouldn’t call her commanding officer by name, especially in peacetime.

 

 

 

Russia didn’t enter the war until Poland’s military had already been crushed, weeks after Germany invaded.  They weren’t allies; they simply agreed to divvy up Poland.

 

Characters:

The main heroine seems utterly insane.  Some exploration of this seems warranted.

Why does she know German?

 

Style: A distinct flavor of gratuitousness pervades the work.

 

Overall: I don’t get a very good sense of a well-realized, believable setting with autonomous characters; instead the setting seems more like a house of wooden studs with stickmen for characters that were constructed to serve the plot.

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