The war against Depression.

[Clephas]

Hello, it is Clephas, and I thought I'd share a little bit of my personal experience.  To be blunt, I suffer from chronic depression intermixed with periods of hyperactive and manic episodes.  Depression, as experienced by me, is generally a sense of apathy, a disinterest in... everything.  I occasionally experience bouts of unexplained sadness or anger (that's why I like cathartic stories so much... nothing better for letting it out than crying myself sick for a fictional character)  and in my manic periods, I pay for incredible speed of thought with a tendency to be unstable and hyperactive. 

 

Sometimes my bouts of apathy will last months or even years (most of high school was framed by one of these periods.  Other times, it will only be a few hours or days.  It is fairly unpredictable.  I've learned to work through it and live with the dragging sense that everything is pointless that defines those periods.  I manage to avoid suicidal thoughts through the expedience of reminding myself that suicide for depression is not only a coward's way out but also a betrayal of those who love you. 

 

Most of my online persona is made up of my manic periods... which tend to last anywhere from a few hours to a few days.  During these periods, I can burn through three to four thousand calories in a single day, losing pounds of weight simply because my levels of mental activity outpace my eating habits (which tend to be high calorie, regardless, lol).  Interestingly, after measuring my IQ when depressed (132 on the old scale), my normal (147 on average) and my manic IQ (154) several dozen times as part of a study on bipolar disorder, I wasn't surprised.  Depression does make you dumber, go figure. 

 

Anyway, my tools for fighting depression have always been intellectual activity, catharsis, my cat, writing stories, and chatting online in irc.  Those who I pm with on irc probably have noticed I jabber a lot once I grab their attention, but that is mostly me blowing off steam.  Yeah, I sound hyper, but it isn't surprising, considering how little I speak to others irl (I'm something of a misanthrope irl). 

 

I dislike mental inactivity more than anything, and I'm almost certain to get depressed if I spend more than a few waking hours at a time without encountering anything mentally stimulating.  This is my main reason for not liking moege very much since reading Japanese became natural for me, incidentally, lol. 

 

So... do any of yall experience depression, and if so, what is your story?  How do you deal with it?  Feel free to offer advice, to show concern, and to speak up about your own experiences... I mostly started this post because I know better than anyone that sometimes you just have to let it out.

 

PS:  No, I'm not currently in my role-playing persona as Clephas.  In this thread, I won't play games with your statements.  Clephas is a part of me (in some ways the better part of me), but he isn't really good at understanding other human beings (he is the embodiment of my arrogance, my pragmatism, and my sometimes whimsical or impulsive nature).  I usually actively choose to blur the lines, but in this case, I'll do my best not to revert to form.

 

Edit:  Changed the title because it was misleading.

[Yatsufusa]

I've never experienced depression myself, but from what you've wrote, it looks like you need to seek some form of professional help from a psychologist/therapist [although you've probably already done that]

Do you have a specific taste in music? I that find listening to some of my favorite genres really helps when I'm feeling angry, sad or pissed off. It might work as a temporary remedy for your depression.

Other than that I don't have much advice to give you, but I sincerely hope you eventually pull through and move on from this condition.

[CLuBLioN]

I have an Unipolar depression http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

Listening to music on max volume helps until neighbors start banging on the walls and start threatening to call the cops lol

[Clephas]

I've never experienced depression myself, but from what you've wrote, it looks like you need to seek some form of professional help from a psychologist/therapist [although you've probably already done that]

Do you have a specific taste in music? I that find listening to some of my favorite genres really helps when I'm feeling angry, sad or pissed off. It might work as a temporary remedy for your depression.

Other than that I don't have much advice to give you, but I sincerely hope you eventually pull through and move on from this condition.

Therapists and psychologists only help to a limited extent. To be blunt, the only thing they ever suggest is medication, which is actually much worse than the actual condition, at least in my case.  On the bright side, I turned my seventy year old psychologist into an otaku... (showed him Fate/Zero and got him hooked)

 

*Clephas speaks dryly* I'm in my thirties, incidentally... and when I was in high school, sending your kids to therapists was a fad.  Bipolar disorder (which is my condition) is thought to be a genetic condition as much as it is a state of mind, so the only thing that can be done is prescribe medication for it or deal with it on your own.  The medication's effects, in my case, always resulted in even worse apathy or living in such a haze that I didn't remember anything that happened for months at a time.  It just isn't worth it.

[Guest]

May I ask what could have caused this condition ?

 

Depression - as far as I know - isn't a children's disease.

 

 

It's something I have a hard time understanding. I never went remotely close to being depressed, I have no reason to.

Is it a form of stress ? An overwhelming feeling ? Things that keep piling up until they become overbaring ?

 

I know you won't like my advice, but the only people I know who went through some kind of depression made it out thanks to others.

They were surrounded by others, went out, breathed fress air, started things over.

 

I have a hard time with dealing with depressed people, I'm way to harsh, not understanding and critical to be the proper interlocutor.

I think however that reclusion isn't the way to go. The effort to make the first step may be huge, uncomfortable and difficult but it's the only way i know people made it out.

 

I am not doctor, nor psycologist (even though they are IMO useless fucks for the most part) so that's all I can say from experience of people surrounding me.

 

PS : +1 for not considering suicide

[Chewy]

I have an Unipolar depression http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_depressive_disorder

Listening to music on max volume helps until neighbors start banging on the walls and start threatening to call the cops lol

Had two bouts of depression. One was accompanied with schizophrenia. Dumb doctors didn't even bother helping. Guess first time i got out of it through excessive gaming and max volume music with headphones. My ears almost died. However, its very useful.

 

That aside, like I said i had two bouts with the first one accompanied with schizophrenia which is now long gone and second with a lot of suicidal thoughts and cbs with life completely, used same method as Clephas really to get them out of my head except the schiz wasn't quite helping. But everyone get over it somehow no matter what method. It took me excessive fps gaming to subdue the first one and excessive anime watching for the second. Here I am, proud to get over both.

[Jibril]

Holy crap, IQ went up all the way 157?! That's the first time I've heard a mental problem can cause such a thing...

Well I never had any depression but one of my friends did, and that cause him to skip an entire week of school. All because he keep thinking of a philosophical mumbo jumbo (I think it was the blank slate theory). It causes him to literally not interested in anything, same thing that happen to you. All he had to do was to take medication and he become better later on.

That being said, I think it was because of his depression as a one time thing, unlike yours which lasts for years. I'm far from being an expert but what about listening to music? Or maybe practicing musical instruments (piano for example). Or hell maybe dance can help.

P.S. Chances of an actual-can-godlike-wise-therapist are really small so I agree most of the time they're complete and utter trash.

[Chewy]

Holy crap, IQ went up all the way 157?! That's the first time I've heard a mental problem can cause such a thing...

Well I never had any depression but one of my friends did, and that cause him to skip an entire week of school. All because he keep thinking of a philosophical mumbo jumbo (I think it was the blank slate theory). It causes him to literally not interested in anything, same thing that happen to you. All he had to do was to take medication and he become better later on.

That being said, I think it was because of his depression as a one time thing, unlike yours which lasts for years. I'm far from being an expert but what about listening to music? Or maybe practicing musical instruments (piano for example). Or hell maybe dance can help.

P.S. Chances of an actual-can-godlike-wise-therapist are really small so I agree most of the time they're complete and utter trash.

Well, the thing is, i rememberin studyin depression and im 90% sure the definition was like "An unnatural feeling of sadness that lasts for an extended period of time" or something so I am not too sure that this is depression. Could be just a sudden bout of curiosity mixed with a little bit of an obsession. That said, I still have the 10% chance you can criticise.

[Yukiru]

A panic attack every now and then but I haven't dealt with depression for a while--I deal with it with either music or reading, and the longest recovery I've had has been a week, maybe a week and a half.

[crunchytaco]

 

I have a hard time with dealing with depressed people, I'm way to harsh, not understanding and critical to be the proper interlocutor.

I think however that reclusion isn't the way to go. The effort to make the first step may be huge, uncomfortable and difficult but it's the only way i know people made it out.

 

[Jibril]

My "story" is just wierd. 

i´ve had social anxiety disorder & panic attacks often,  also constant stress (wich cause my body to pretty much constantly shake,)

since i was a kid. (9 or so)

So as alot of people i was bullied as a kid. and at the same time tried to help the people who had hard times.

(so basicly take on theyr burdens aswell outside my own.) after a few years of taking other peoples problems and not being able to get any help from mine, my depression started.

following a months after my best friend died. and 2 months after that both of my grandfathers died (brain cancer / heart failure.) 

at that moment i broke completly. 

was unable to go out the door without getting a panic attack & the depression was kinda bad i guess.unable to go to classes and so on.

and from there on for years problem after problem started. (without typing an entire book here i skip those years.)

tried to get help , the psychiatrist (where i lived )was completly retarded and in the end said that they couldnt help.

asked doctors about it and they gave me pills. with way to high dosage then i was supposed to have (200mg dose when your supposed to start at 10mg and increase over time.)

wich wasnt the best thing. felt like shit and the problems even worse.

sometime around there i started loosing memories.(and as still today i know basicly nothing from when i was 18 or younger. except from what ive been told.)

 

One day i just said to myself im tired of this , i want to be able to live a "normal" life. (and didnt really have any trust in the doctors after what they did to me before)

So i basicly just decided to be stong and train myself away from it. went out for walks and so on to try train away the social anxiety. 

met people that was important to me. after some time i could sit at a café for hours almost daily without too much of a problem. 

with friends who understood me and being able to talk about my issues slowly made my depression "go away"

I've learned by now that it will never fully go away. neither my depression or my social anxiety disorder. but ive learned to deal with it over time. being able to handle the stress that occur. 

now i work at a conviniece store to push myself even further. and goes well. 

and my depression isnt that bad anymore. most of the times i feel pretty well now. (alot thanks to the people i've met here.)

its just at times when too much is happening at the same time it comes back.. 

 

so basicly after years of working hard for myself and believing in myself. i almost live a "normal life" today as i hoped for.  

That's one hell of a tragic backstory anime character, and the profile picture fits too.

Guess one of the most effective way is to put a resolve to it huh....

[Chewy]

My "story" is just wierd. 

i´ve had social anxiety disorder & panic attacks often,  also constant stress (wich cause my body to pretty much constantly shake,)

since i was a kid. (9 or so)

So as alot of people i was bullied as a kid. and at the same time tried to help the people who had hard times.

(so basicly take on theyr burdens aswell outside my own.) after a few years of taking other peoples problems and not being able to get any help from mine, my depression started.

following a months after my best friend died. and 2 months after that both of my grandfathers died (brain cancer / heart failure.) 

at that moment i broke completly. 

was unable to go out the door without getting a panic attack & the depression was kinda bad i guess.unable to go to classes and so on.

and from there on for years problem after problem started. (without typing an entire book here i skip those years.)

tried to get help , the psychiatrist (where i lived )was completly retarded and in the end said that they couldnt help.

asked doctors about it and they gave me pills. with way to high dosage then i was supposed to have (200mg dose when your supposed to start at 10mg and increase over time.)

wich wasnt the best thing. felt like shit and the problems even worse.

sometime around there i started loosing memories.(and as still today i know basicly nothing from when i was 18 or younger. except from what ive been told.)

 

One day i just said to myself im tired of this , i want to be able to live a "normal" life. (and didnt really have any trust in the doctors after what they did to me before)

So i basicly just decided to be stong and train myself away from it. went out for walks and so on to try train away the social anxiety. 

met people that was important to me. after some time i could sit at a café for hours almost daily without too much of a problem. 

with friends who understood me and being able to talk about my issues slowly made my depression "go away"

I've learned by now that it will never fully go away. neither my depression or my social anxiety disorder. but ive learned to deal with it over time. being able to handle the stress that occur. 

now i work at a conviniece store to push myself even further. and goes well. 

and my depression isnt that bad anymore. most of the times i feel pretty well now. (alot thanks to the people i've met here.)

its just at times when too much is happening at the same time it comes back.. 

 

so basicly after years of working hard for myself and believing in myself. i almost live a "normal life" today as i hoped for.  

I have to say that is a very fitting profile picture.....

[madvanced]

Well I've been fighting depression for about 7 years now and it hasn't been that easy to deal with it in my personal case.

 

I've had various shrinks and therapists til now and I can honestly say that, although they can help to a certain point, they aren't that miracle help that some people think they are.

 

Anyway before being depressed I was a pretty upbeat and extrovert guy with no problems speaking to people at all no matter who they were, however my personality took a 180º turn, I begun closing myself off from other people, I started having panic and anxiety attacks and I became a pretty apathetic guy with little to no interests. The only thing that I still liked were my otaku hobbies and gaming. My grades dropped a lot since I started to skip classes, I was still able to finish High School however.

 

Because I was still with that apathetic mindset I kind of went with Engineering because that was basically what my High School course was design to, more or less. So to no surprise even if it was something that I could do if I wanted I ended up dropping out because I just couldn't like it.

 

So these few years I've basically just went with the flow and made almost no progress in regards to change myself. I have started to change myself though, even if only little by little. I was able to ascertain to myself that I liked Japanese and that I wanted to use it for a living. So I'm kind of in the turning point in my life where I can actually start to change.

 

Other than everything that I have already spoke of, I started to notice that I started to have trouble memorizing stuff(and recalling too, my memories until I was 15-16 are almost gone) and that my sleeping habits and my metabolism were not the same anymore. I won't deny that suicide crossed my mind, however I never actually acted upon it. For better or for worse I'm obviously still here.

 

It hasn't been anything fun that's for sure, but the fact that I'm actually trying to change makes me feel a little better, even if it may seem small to other people.

[Chewy]

I've had various shrinks and therapists til now and I can honestly say that, although they can help to a certain point, they aren't that miracle help that some people think they are.

 

Anyway before being depressed I was a pretty upbeat and extrovert guy with no problems speaking to people at all no matter who they were, however my personality took a 180º turn, I begun closing myself off from other people, I started having panic and anxiety attacks and I became a pretty apathetic guy with little to no interests. The only thing that I still liked were my otaku hobbies and gaming. My grades dropped a lot since I started to skip classes, I was still able to finish High School however..

Yeah i agree with the therapists part. I mean one said to my face that schizo is "nothing to worry about" Hope he falls in a hole.

 

I was also like you before depression but i seem to have come out a more cheerful guy after a 360 turn

[Keaton]

I have had depression for over a year now last year around this time something happened to me that caused this huge downward spiral. This also impacted my family a lot making things even harder for me. ( Gonna skip out on the details because it would take too much time to type out and that's not what i want to focus on)

I was depressed and dropped out of school refusing to go. I sat around and did nothing for 6 months until i found out about Visual Novels I started reading these and eventually found fuwanovel and met some amazing people went back to school this year and started feeling alot better and getting over what had happened there will be times when i still get depressed but if that happens i will just read a visual novel or something to forget about it.

[sirjabberwock]

I'd have to say I've had two incidents thus far in my life you could label as depressive. When I was in middle school, not only did I have to deal with the typical growing pains of a hormonal kid, but I had several close family members pass away in the span of a couple months. To say the least, it was traumatizing. I was a part of the "listen to music really loud" culture and could be labeled as reclusive. I still don't understand how my hearing is as good as it is today with how bad I abused it. 

 

The second bout has been on-off for the past 10 months or so. Long story short I was in a relationship I thought could go far last fall/winter that abruptly ended, and I realized that I needed this person more than I had previously known. She depended upon me more than I did her when we were together, but somewhere along the way she started becoming cold towards me. I don't feel like spilling my guts, so I'll leave it at that. I've done a lot of existential deliberation lately that doesn't help much either.

 

It was amazing to have someone to finally depend on; all my stress went away, and I was better at dealing with people. Now I feel as though I could implode at any moment from the pressure building up from within.

[Chronopolis]

Personally, what has me off suicide, is there's just too much interesting things to learn and experience in the rest of my lifetime, to throw it all away. I do, want to meet more people, discuss stuff with them, hear their opinions and reactions to stuff. I may be a introvert, but even for that I've spent far too much time alone. I like people. Having interesting conversations with them is one of the things that brings me true happiness.

 

I've identified one of the reasons I love caring for and wishing the best for characters is it that I can understand them and on top of that care for them. It's like "Ah, such a character existed! How awesome/impressive/terrifiying/lovable/heartwarming/noble!"

IRL there are some people who I care for and a few people who I know well, but there are arguably none for whom both apply.

In recent months, I've been trying to think about the stories I'm reading and connect them, because I want to eventually understand the VN medium, it's stories, their composition, characters and the ideas behind them. I also want to get a sense of what are the other reactions people have to the same works, and why.

 

I think I felt a need for progression and so as I thought about stories and started to recognize archtypes and other structures, as a side effect, I've began to see through the most paper-thin characters/stories, and stopped being able to truly care about them. They are too thin to provoke anything more than an instinctual "ah, I like characters/events/moods with this trait 'squee'.

 

Depression for me takes the form of hesitating to do what I'm going to do just because it might go to nothing, feeling like I can't possibly start on one of the few important matters to me, and yet still suffering from some anxiety when I delay it (procrastination), and feeling like a failure.

 

I thought I was, while not altruistic in the true sense, sometimes liked to help people. But after thought, I realized I mainly wanted to help people because I want their learning to be more effecient. I respect efficient things, and it somewhat pains me to see people clearly wanting something but struggling with procrastination or bad methods. For the procrastination part, when I see that frustration, I see myself, both a few years ago and a bit now, in them. So, sometimes, I just help people just because I want things done with some semblance of efficiency. In the I'll try to care more about the people who matter to me, but I've been able to accept that. Besides, if not at that particularly moment, on an ongoing basis, I do probably wish them the best.

[arakura]

Mmm

[crunchytaco]

 

This is good advice, but I personally cannot stand keeping a fixed routine. I'd rather spend a life of cycling depression than a routine existence whose goal is to subdue some lurking part of myself. ugh, routines *shivers*

 

Find the power to be different and everything will change. If you can't, I hesitantly suggest you try stopping all the fumbling for an answer and just set a new status quo for yourself. (if it's something truly crippling, you probably should be talking someone who is more experienced for advice). Most of this is just my impression. Hope I didnt offend anyone and i definitely dont hold this all as fact.

 

 

edit: coming back to apologize if this sounds preachy or anything. It's just the sum of my musings thus far.

 

This is where you have you be careful. Mood instability can be addictive - people can't perceive stability in their life because they are so used to chaos being the norms of reality. No different from a drug addict who attempts to go clean really. 

 

No one can tell you how to live life whether that's on the edge or the bottom. I don't mind getting preachy about this point: What keeps you from going over the top might be more important than you though. Your mental illness if not taken care of, becomes a hazard for people around you; a drain both financially and emotionally to everyone and a nuisance to society. If you drive this point home, your search for stability might have more meaning. It is an obligation. 

[arakura]

Yea, that's what I mean by crippling. The people I know who clarify themselves as depressive (or did) rarely caused others serious troubles, and when it started to, someone always stepped in to help. But for softer cases like my own, it works. Or maybe it's just that I'm not aware of what I could be if sought some serious outside help.

But yea, you pretty much nailed it on the head, though I've never heard of mood instability addiction 0.0

For me I just cope with what I have. It's not like I prefer myself one way or another. I do wonder, now that I think about it, if I could actually fundamentally change the way I am... it'd probably take a lever of willpower and dedication unprecedented in my lifestyle

(Lovin the new avatar by the way)

[Chewy]

someone always stepped in to help.

Well I think you should rephrase that and write most people because some people went in alone so to speak, myself included and was alone the whole time. Even asking for help didnt really get me any.

[arakura]

Yea, that's probably true to a certain extent. Still, the fact that you got out of it mostly by your own will, apparently, suggests that you had a certain amount of control over it that some people do not.

 

And anyway, that statement had the modifier of 'of people I know who had depression'. I don't think it always works out so well for people.

[crunchytaco]

 

[Hakamichi_Sajaki]

this may be upsetting to people so ill use the spoiler tags.

 

This is what has happened to me:

 

this is rather hard for me to discuss so bare with me, and if it makes no sense, i appologise.

I have recently (February) gotten out of a relationship that lasted seven years. During this time I was the repeated recipient of domestic abuse.

I'll start at the beginning.

At the end of 2007, I met a woman. a few years older than me, I will not name her for privacy's sake. And started seeing her. This girl had learning difficulties, but I, being an open minded person, payed them no heed or caution as I thought (and still think) that everyone has the right to feel happiness and love, regardless of any disability or condition. for the first six months things where fine. Until one day she decided that she wanted a child.

I resisted this idea completely. I did not want children. Especially with someone that I'd only known for six months.

In an attempt to talk to her about it in what appeared (to start off with) as a civil conversation with a woman that I was starting to really feel attached to, I told her that I did not want children at the time and that I thought we should wait and work on our relationship and maybe get a place together (as she was living with her parents as she had recently moved with them to my town).

Thats when things started to change.

Instead of taking "No, lets wait" as an answer and respecting my opinion, she lost her temper. Lashed out and hit me. I was more shocked than anything else. I did not retaliate. I did not shout at her. I did not leave. I was shocked.

The subject died and we got on with our normal routine for a few days until it came up again. and again I said no. And again she lost her temper.

This happened so many more times until I couldn't resist any more. I was sick of the arguments, sick of the shouting, sick of being the target for her abuse. But I was too afraid to attempt to leave.

Needless to say, she got pregnant within two years. Out of duty more than anything else (as I can honestly say that I felt nothing for her) we got married. But not before another incident happened.

While planning the marriage ceremony, I selected my dad as best man. I told my family nothing of the problems that she had, nothing of the fear that I lived everyday.

We selected our attire for the ceremony. She didn't like it.

In front of her parents, she again lost her temper and attacked me. Declaring that she wanted to be the one to choose what me and my father wore. she scratched the side of my face open causing her mother to have to use a spray-on-plaster(which stung like buggery).

The next day I had to lie to my parents and sister that I had fallen over and scratched my face. All the time with her standing there, watching everything I said.

About this time (late 2009) I developed a tremmor in my right arm. I was prescribed Propranolol for it (a beta blocker) which eased the symptoms.

after the wedding in 2010, and the eventual birth of our son, things did not get better. Any argument big or small she would lose her temper at. and once again I would be the target for her anger, even if the cause of it was elsewhere (her parents etc).

Our son started showing the signs of developmental delay. As a result, the local Social services began to offer their assistance with him.

Eventually she decided that she wanted more children (2011). Having learnt my lesson from the previous time I offered no resistance.

We moved into a bigger home, the Twin girls came along. Again, every argument or reason she got angry would result in an altercation. One memorable one ended up with me being stabbed in the arm with a ballpoint pen several times while I held my 3 month old daughter. Another saw me throttled (strangled) in front of our eldest son because she thought that I'd woken him up. It went on like this until 2012. By this time It was obvious that the Delay that had effected our son was also affecting our girls. The social services began to suggest that the children where not being stimulated enough. I could not comment on the fact that this was the case as anything I said would be reported back to Her, and anything that I said with regard to what she should have been doing as a parent started her off and ended up with me becoming a target. Looking back, Fear was the deciding factor. Fear of her. Fear of what would happen if i said anything against her to the proffesionals.

In July of 2012, we had an argument where she lost her temper and threw a cordless telephone at me. It flew the two meters between us, bounced off my head and landed against the opposite wall 3 meters away with enough force for it to crack the plaster and shatter into a few pieces.

I did not say anything. I did not retaliate. I got up, Looked at her in the eyes and left. I headed to my parents and told them everything that had happened. They where understandably shocked.

I reported the incident to the police and she was arrested and charged for battery. She was given a 12 month conditional discharge.

Thats when (because I was stupid and believed anything would change) I went back to her.

2013 was spent pretty much like the years before it. Arguments that led to her lashing out. The children becoming more behind with what they should have been doing, and I was slowly falling into what can only be described as a day to day trance of fear and self loathing.

I don't know when it happened. But at some point when I was at work I started thinking about killing myself. I'd think up methods and ways I could do it with readily available items or hazards. I'd drive. And when I'd drive I'd think about putting my foot to the floor and turning sharply into oncoming traffic. I'd sit at home on the toilet Holding a bottle of bleach and just staring at it. I'd try to tell myself that I could get at least 4 boxes of co-codamol into me before I passed out. I'd think of what I could do to myself with a breadknife. I'd stare out of the office 3rd story window and think about lunging head first out of it.

I went to the Dr. Obviously I couldnt say anything truthfull to her as SHE insisted on coming. I was put off work and Started on Fluoxetine. And things only got worse.

It was in february of this year that I thoroughly lost it. After a quite random argument where I went to leave, She followed me to my car's garage, stood in front of it, gave me a look that quite frankly, scared me half to death and started shouting for help. As If It was ME that was the one attacking her.

I gave in, she frog marched me back to the house (where the kids had been left alone for half an hour). That night I took a mouthfull of bleach.

Instantly regretted it. That stuff tastes bad. I still have a bald patch on my toungue where I can't taste anything because of it. I spat it out.

The next day (it was a monday) while she was out, I left.

Now I Live with my sister. Im on citalopram. It doesn't work

I have constant nightmares

I have social anxiety

I have no confidence with people (especially women)

I do not want to leave my room after 6 pm. If Im outside of my room i start having anxiety issues.

I still think about killing myself.

I don't see the children as mine at all as they are merely a bi product of her abuse. (and YES i know that's wrong, but i genuinely feel no attachment to them)

The Social services are looking at removing them and giving them to my parents.

I Feel that In order to get free I've had to screw up my parents lives and the lives of the children.

I have no job

The only thing that seems to help is Sleep (when I can get any, Im usually awake until 3 am)

I have random bouts of complete apathy for everything and everyone

[Cyrillej1]

this may be upsetting to people so ill use the spoiler tags.

 

This is what has happened to me:

 

I still think about killing myself.

I don't see the children as mine at all as they are merely a bi product of her abuse. (and YES i know that's wrong, but i genuinely feel no attachment to them)

The Social services are looking at removing them and giving them to my parents.

I Feel that In order to get free I've had to screw up my parents lives and the lives of the children.

I have no job

The only thing that seems to help is Sleep (when I can get any, Im usually awake until 3 am)

I have random bouts of complete apathy for everything and everyone

This might be mean to say... but after reading all that, I actually feel worse for the children.  Maybe try shifting your perspective by focusing on them more, not as some by-product of something negative.. but as

your children, because in fact they are. It could help take your mind off the negative thoughts if you have your kids to live & fight for.. they could provide a motivation and sense of responsibility to stay alive too.. your care for their happiness could influence you in a positive way instead of focusing on yourself so much. You may have been pressured into having them, but they didn't really have a choice being born into the world either.  Sorry, if that came off preachy... Anyways, I just hope things can get better for you and your children.