OELVN Project Violet Hill (DEMO released)

[Chocolatemilkgod]

You guys should have edited it before it was released for public feedback, because showing unedited draft work doesn't get people excited about your game. I'm going to wait for the editing process to be finished before I give the game a try. There's redundant language littered all the way through the screenshots posted here and on the erogegames forum (1st screenshot above, 3rd screenshot erogegames forum, for example) not to mention the third screenshot above makes me scared there'll be 'talking head' syndrome all the way through your VN (your character recognised the need to search for an item, then started and finished the search without any description of the search process.) Your prose is forced and doesn't flow naturally, which constantly jolts me out of the story. This is what I'm getting looking through your screenshots.

 

I'm a big supporter of the OELVN industry, but I have certain standards the writing must meet before I read it. And your VN doesn't meet it yet. Therefore, as the head-editor you have some work ahead of you. *Cracks whip* Mush!

Do I even have to say how rude this is? The story has been edited, as said previously. There's a rather large distinction between 'needing a little QC' and 'unedited draft', as you put it. The story is plenty playable, and, bar a little bit of clean up with QC, there's not really anything that needs a lot of work (if you're really REALLY bent on it, there will be a more up to date version of the demo coming out, probably in next couple of days). Moreover, I find it difficult to believe that you can arrive at this conclusion without even playing the demo. How can it jolt you out of the story if you haven't even played it?! I'm not really sure where you're getting the 'forced prose' part from either. I mean, thanks for the advice (I guess?), but I'd much prefer if you actually read the story before just bashing our work going by the screenshots alone, especially when they're subject to change. I don't appreciate the insinuations, either.

 

This is supposed to be a friendly community project where people can discuss ideas and have fun with the project; we'd love to hear people's ideas! However: while we welcome all feedback, positive or negative, there's a fine line between constructive and helpful observations and those that are not.

[Helvetica Standard]

Updated DEMO (1.1 ver.) Will be uploaded and posted shortly.

Many thanks for your support.

[Darklord Rooke]

Do I even have to say how rude this is? The story has been edited, as said previously. There's a rather large distinction between 'needing a little QC' and 'unedited draft', as you put it. The story is plenty playable, and, bar a little bit of clean up with QC, there's not really anything that needs a lot of work (if you're really REALLY bent on it, there will be a more up to date version of the demo coming out, probably in next couple of days). Moreover, I find it difficult to believe that you can arrive at this conclusion without even playing the demo. How can it jolt you out of the story if you haven't even played it?! I'm not really sure where you're getting the 'forced prose' part from either. I mean, thanks for the advice (I guess?), but I'd much prefer if you actually read the story before just bashing our work going by the screenshots alone, especially when they're subject to change. I don't appreciate the insinuations, either.

 

This is supposed to be a friendly community project where people can discuss ideas and have fun with the project; we'd love to hear people's ideas! However: while we welcome all feedback, positive or negative, there's a fine line between constructive and helpful observations and those that are not.

 

If the screenshots are accurate samples of your writing, then I don't need to play the demo. And if they aren't accurate examples of your writing, then they're pretty poor advertisments (you should post up-to-date screenshots.) A bit of context, I live in Australia, the land of hella expensive internet. It's even more expensive when you know that I'm using a wireless dongle. I know internet is cheap in the UK and the US, but it's expensive in Australia. I'm not downloading a half-a-gig demo when the screenshots (which are supposed to indicate what the game is like) are in such a poor state.

 

When I said 'it sucked me out of the story' what I meant was your long sentences don't flow, they get clunky and I notice your prose rather than paying attention to the image your prose is creating. I don't know exactly why, but it's your job as an editor to be noticing these things. Maybe it's a case of redundant language or weak adjective use. They can really drag the longer sentences down. Does it take that much effort to edit a few screenshots? For example:

 

"Avoiding any interaction at all is much safer than pushing it just to see how far I can get involved with someone before they become affected."

 

I'm getting stuck in the middle of this sentence. I feel like I have to slog through it with effort and a paddle. I can't read a story with writing like this, I'd be hurling things before long. Maybe if we delete the redundant words, and do a bit of rearranging:

 

Avoiding all interaction is safer than pushing things, seeing how far I can get involved with someone before they become affected.

 

How about replacing weak words with stronger words?

 

"Avoiding all interaction is safer than pushing things, testing how fond of someone I must become before they are affected."

 

I'm still not happy (because I'm a perfectionist) but I'm not slogging my way through the sentence, which is a plus. On the con side, I might have just changed the meaning of your passage.

 

"Once I got to arms distance, I crouched to match her height and flashed her my best attempt at a smile."

 

A bit of a slog. Delete 'got to arms distance', most people just say they 'reached' her. Also you should be aware that 'best attempt' is a weak adjective, you don't have to change it, just be aware of it and limit their number. It's weak because it does a poor job describing the smile. You could opt to describe the smile in the next sentence, or use a stronger adjective (you could choose quivering, or tired, they're much better descriptive words. Best attempt could mean anything and is verging on being padding.) I'm undecided if 'match her height' is redundant or not.

 

There's lots more, but I can't be bothered going through them. These are just basic edits to make the game readable. I don't think my standards are that high, but I don't want to be stuttering all the way through your prose. It frustrates me.

 

Also, I don't insinuate. I'm rubbish with subtleties so if I want to say something, I just say it.

[Goldie-Chan]

 I apologize for coming into the thread at such a time, but I'm interested in becoming an artist for the project. I contacted Helvetica with a  full sample of some of my art, but I don't think he saw my message, so I thought I should post here just to let everyone know my interest  .

[Helvetica Standard]

 I apologize for coming into the thread at such a time, but I'm interested in becoming an artist for the project. I contacted Helvetica with a  full sample of some of my art, but I don't think he saw my message, so I thought I should post here just to let everyone know my interest  .

 

Many thanks for you interest and support. :3

Could you please send us a more detailed sample of your work? In your case, a scanned image (preferably in color)

We look forward to seeing your work.

 

Kind regards: Project Violet Staff Team

[Tempest]

Wow... i am very very excited to play this game! this is going to be fantastic

[Helvetica Standard]

Wow... i am very very excited to play this game! this is going to be fantastic

 

I'm glad you like it! Many thanks for your kind words and your support, it makes all the difference.

Stay tuned for DEMO 2.0 which is due for later today.

[Helvetica Standard]

Link to DEMO 2.0 is available!

 

This is a revamped version that covers both the prologue and chapter 1.

It features new adv. displayable mechanics, bugfixes and better character textures.

 

Many thanks for your support, we're looking forward to your feedback!

 

https://www.dropbox.com/s/2n35789ewhvzwwn/Violet%20Hill%20DEMO-2.0-win.rar

 

DEMO length is about 1-2 hours depending on reading speed.

[nohman]

Just wanted to say good work on this and wish you good luck on the project.

[Nosebleed]

I'll give it a run later. Good work on this it looks fairly interesting just from overlooking it. I'll post some feedback once i finish the demo.

[Helvetica Standard]

Just wanted to say good work on this and wish you good luck on the project.

 

I'm glad you like it. Many thanks for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to us!

Again, Thank you!

[Helvetica Standard]

I'll give it a run later. Good work on this it looks fairly interesting just from overlooking it. I'll post some feedback once i finish the demo.

 

Thanks for your support! Enjoy the DEMO, we hope you like it :3

We're looking forward to your feedback!

[Helvetica Standard]

blog is LIVE! (WILL BE UPDATED REGULARLY)

Please visit and leave your thoughts.

 

link: http://violethillvn.blogspot.mx/

[Chocolatemilkgod]

Here is an update for the art in Violet Hill! Since we are hard pressed to find free artists who have the time to work on the sprites for the game, Helvetica has messed around with some drawing on his own. Here is the result:

 

 

This is Rin 2.0 as Helv had originally imagined her (a less... 'meaty' version than the 3DCG sprite that was being used before). Doing all the sprites himself with all the expression and clothes changes is a huge undertaking (especially if we would ever want to add any pose changes...) and will take a while to do considering his schedule... but it will result in a better visual novel. We would still very much appreciate any artists to help out (there's still a lot to be done in the art department, like other sprites and CGs if we ever want them), but at the very least we will have some pretty sprites to work with <3 (since I found the other ones horrendous...).

 

Also, as a side note, I actually really like helv's art. He was lying when he said he couldn't draw >.<

[Tay]

(I'm only just getting to this post.  Sorry for the delay.)

 

Let me preface this by saying that I've done a lot of writing and have taught a few writing classes, and so my critiques are coming as a fellow writer, and not necessarily just as a reader.  I tried to include helpful criticism (such as my immediate technical difficulties and my impressions as a reader after the first 60 seconds of starting the game (post-disclaimers)).  These have always been useful metrics for me as a writer, and I hope they'll be useful to you.  

 

I won't have time to finish the full demo right this minute, but I'll post again with my overall thoughts once I've finished the demo.

 

In any case, I'm looking forward to following your project!

 

---

 

Tested on Win7 desktop and Win8 Surface Pro 2.

 

Technical problem right away: When I first booted up the program the game window opened up to a size of 1920x1080p.  That meant that most of the game was skewed off screen, and it took me a second to realize that I could resize the window to my liking.  I mention this because Ren’py has some cool functions to set a default window size when a user first opens the program.  My suggestion would be to choose a smaller default window size and include a note during an intro sequence that the window can be resized.  (the 1920x1080p window size was linked to my PC's resolution)

 

Technical suggestion: Include the ability to resize text.  On some monitors – like my Surface 2 Pro tablet/computer – the text is extremely small and hard to read.  A lot of VNers are playing VNs on PC tablets these days.

 

 

First 60 seconds impressions

The title screen is beautiful.

 

The dripping sound effect would sound better if the individual drip sounds were spread much further apart.  It rapidly got annoying (for lack of a better word).

 

In the first 60 seconds I was introduced to what will be a key narrative plot point: the “mindstorm” (good!), but its description was convoluted and I have no idea why it's important or where this story is going (not so good).  In other words:  The writing didn’t offer an immediate hook and failed to grip me.

 

Sentences felt convoluted most of the time and need a lot of editing for grammar. That said, it was accentuated with a few fantastic and insightful sentences (ex: “I’m afraid to be alone with myself.”) <-- These sorts of sentences are vivid, use active voice, and were insightful into the character.

 

Sentence spacing (or whatever term you want to use for how many sentences appear per-click) was distracting. I think every sentence of my 60-second-impression required its own click and stood naked on its own dialog screen.  A lot of the sentences would be better if grouped together (one example would be: “Not because of any foreign feeling or my warped awareness, but because there is nowhere [for me] to go. I cannot hide from myself.” <--- Note, I fixed some grammar in that example.) 

 

 

 

If I were to guess what the rest of the game will be like based on my first 60 seconds: I’d guess: It’ll have an interesting but depressing plot focused around the psychological phenomenon “mindstorm”.  The writing will be serviceable but will need a lot of grammar revision.  The protagonist will be a psychologically frayed.

 

 

---

 

Reading that over, I know it sounds critical.  I'll post as soon as I can finish the demo about my overall impressions.  I hope you'll put my suggestions aside and focus on the metrics I provided: the "If I were to guess what the rest of the game will be like based on my first 60 seconds" section at the end has always helped me as a writer.

 

 

EDIT: Also, I was trying to post a comment on your website and the wordpress login is very strange.  Could you fix it to accept wordpress users, and not just wordpress.com blogs? 

[Chocolatemilkgod]

Thank you for the feedback! Definitely looking forward to hearing your thoughts on the rest as you're the type of person we really need as an editor/QCr/tester who gives us helpful criticisms outright without holding back any punches.

 

Anyway, as regards to your technical comment about the text size, I'm not entirely sure how to accomplish this. I'm not the programmer (and my scripting doesn't extend far past using a few macros in excel/SSPS... so pardon my general ignorance), but at the moment the lines are defined manually. E.g.:

 

"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

\nThe quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

 

Would be two lines of the same sentence. Problem is that because they're defined manually with the use of \n to connect two different strings together in the same box, if you change the text size, the whole thing becomes misaligned (the endings of all the lines will be cut off). I'm sure there has to be a way to have renpy automatically do it itself, but I don't know how... it would definitely be a nice improvement if we can figure it out (although it'd be a pain having to change the lines afterwards, but whatever).

 

And I definitely agree about the dripping sound, that needed to be at a lower frequency since they were dropping too quickly...

 

Onto the actual writing suggestions, I'd agree. The descriptions had a tendency to, unfortunately, be a little bit... for a lack of a better phrase, all over the place. It interfered with what should have otherwise been an effective 'fish hook' to get the reader's complete attention. A lot of the issues will probably be sorted out by QC who can clean up the otherwise convoluted descriptions and perhaps move lines around... I hope. The first ~100 lines suffer from this issue the greatest. I don't know how much I can do since I'm suffering from 'viewing your own text syndrome' when you loose your objectivity from rereading a piece of text too much and find it difficult to change things... (am I the only one who gets this?... it usually goes away if I distance myself from the text for a while, though)

 

The sentence/line/whatever spacing could also use some work, too. I left that mostly unchanged since I presumed it to be a stylistic choice, but I think what you suggested (i.e. more effective grouping) would enhance the reading.

[Tay]

You're great for taking criticism constructively.  I'm playing the game right now and will post my thoughts in a bit.  Besides overall thoughts/suggestions/criticisms, let me know if I can help out in other ways.  My responsibilities with Fuwanovel (and work, and grad school, etc.) would prohibit me from helping in any major way, but I'd be happy to have a skype session and go over parts of the game in-depth with you or whomever.

 

I'll post the rest soon.  Thanks!

[Tay]

Here are the rest of my impressions from the demo.  

 

Specific thoughts

Looping sound effects are often grating.  Longer effect loops with lower volumes will help.  For things like this, or adding more lines to dialog boxes (with auto-fitting/scaling, etc.) you can find tutorials on lemmasoft or in the Ren’py support documents.

 

A chronic issue in the demo was the need for less telling and more showing.  When you talk about the mindstorm being overwhelming, we’re informed of the fact but not introduced to the sounds and sights and memories which are actually overloading the narrator.  Instead of telling us (the readers) that the character is overwhelmed by the details, we (the readers) need to ourselves be overwhelmed by it!  A random example from the start: show us why the memory is overwhelming (ex: “The memories are too real and there’s too much to them.  It’s too much to remember every raindrop falling on my coat.  It’s too much to remember the number of ripples racing across the puddle under my feet.  My senses strain and buckle under the load of the perfect memory. // The sound of the rain becomes a roar as my vision goes white.  I can’t process it all.  The memories are too many, too perfect…”)  Another example of telling and not giving us more (or showing): “That piece of writing was key in defining who I am now.”  These statements could be expanded upon to give real narrative depth, insight into the narrator.  Right now they’re all over the place, which means there’s a lot of chances to make the story even better.

 

Add more sentences to each dialog box (more sentences per click). (Last time I bring this one up, promise!)

 

“And just like that, it’s over.” <--  Stop the sound effects at this screen.  The rain effect goes on too long.

 

THE INTRO MOVIE IS AWESOME!!! 

 

What is the sound effect which kicks in post-intro movie? It sounds like rustling and it’s endlessly looping.  It sounds very distracting.  Is it the sound of rain on the roof?

 

Keeping the narrator’s name “???” for a while at the start of the game was an interesting choice.  Why did you decide to do it that way?

 

The phone conversation early in the game is stiff and could probably be cut in half with editing.  Make sure the Kyousuke’s personality is firm before finalizing the dialog: right now I can’t tell what he’s like (he’s simultaneously friendly-abusive, friendly-caring, and extremely formal).  This is further complicated by Aoki calling him a “cretin”, etc.  Make their relationship ultra-clear from the get-go.

 

Why is the word “Mindstorm” in quotes in much of the early dialog?  You already introduced it to us at the start.  Now it’s a proper noun and plot point which we know about, so it can be left on its own.  (Update: all of a sudden the quotes went away.  Maybe it just needs to be edited out of the earlier lines)

 

The music is very nice!  (except maybe for the overly carnival like parts : ))

 

Aoki’s voice is hard to track.  Is there a reason his lines are stiff? “Why are you at the mercy of this downpour?”, the line about an “auspicious occasion” to recite a poem, etc.

 

I think I’m starting to understand your use of quotes.  “Mindstorm”.  “Masterkey”.  You use quotes to highlight your fiction’s jargon, right?  I think you might be better served by making them a different color (PURPLE!!) than putting them in quotes.

 

The explanatory sequences – where the backgrounds dim and text is centered – are very helpful.  If anything, use more of them so you don’t feel the need to sneak worldbuilding into the dialog (where it comes across as out-of-place).

 

I liked having a sound effect announce the decision points.  Very nice touch!

 

I’d suggest cleaning up the UI a little when you use character portraits next to their dialog.   Right now the face images are layered transparently over the “Violet Hill” image on the far-left. 

 

AaAH! My ears!  Have that ringing/screeching sound effect fade in and out (a few times if absolutely necessary – don’t let it loop.  : )  I almost died, there.), having it ring continuously made me want to furiously click through the dialog until it stopped.

 

Sasaski’s dialog was a little hard for me to swallow (thankfully she gets great music).  It was often awkwardly formal (and not in an in-character sort of way) (ex: “That’s right young sir, you could tell?”, followed by a lot of informal language, like “Umm…” etc.).  I know this is done purposefully (you have a line pointing this out: “She’s acting strange… now she’s suddenly informal.”), but it doesn’t come across that way yet.  If the dialog is tightened up (and grammar fixed), you could show her insecurity without needing to point it out.  (… but, really, kill the “young sir” line.  She’s young herself, and other polite references would work just as well in the situation)  The characterization confusion continues later with phrasings like “Eh? But prez!”

 

Aoki’s conversation with Sasaki was confusing.  He’s warm, friendly, making a friend.  That grates with the antisocial, conflicted Aoki who called the friend encouraging him to be social a “cretin”.  

 

Minamoto’s music really grew on me.  It’s great for her early characterization.  Will it change as we get to know her better?

 

The switching of the art club presidency was odd.  Do it later in the game (such as after Aoki manages to get Kanade in).  It really doesn’t make coming at this point (and the line from Minamoto, “There’s no one more capable than you.” was out of place, out of character, and very odd).  Minamoto has reasons for saying so (which makes the comment seem less out of place in retrospect), but the timing is off.  Later in the game (even just shortly after), such as in the first club meeting or after Aoki displays his talent to them (or as a reward for getting a 4th member) makes more narrative sense.

 

 

Overall Impressions:

Characterization – Needs to be tightened up.  A lot.  I’d suggest working extra hard to find each character’s personality and voice, and then redrafting the dialog to be consistent with the characters.  Of all the characters, Minamoto was done best, but even she needs a lot of work in the second half of the demo.  She keeps a relatively stable personality across most of the first half of the story up until the phone call to her late at night (which had a lot of promise, but her characterization quickly got loose and out of hand. I liked having her show excitement (read: more than a cool/cryptic side), but she quickly started speaking in ways outside the personality you’d developed for her.  That phone call marked the point of change away from her solid personality).  

 

Intro Movie – Extremely good.  I’d use it as quickly as possible, in fact.  The intro to the Mindstorm is a good idea (but it should be made much shorter and more concise and more vivid (show not tell!)), but it should be notable and quick and quickly lead to the movie.  The movie is so good that it promises a quality product.  It may make up for a slightly cryptic intro and keep the reader going.

 

Dialog – Stiff, verbose but promising.  If it was redrafted to be consistent with personalities and the grammar was cleaned up, I’d say it would come across much better.  Also, I think you could cut all the conversations in half by making them concise and clear, and the game would really benefit from it.

 

Sound effects – need to be volume-adjusted, and many need their loops to be adjusted.  Also, some are confusing.

 

Pacing – Slow it down.  Introduce the major characters before introducing the first plot problem (art club members).  Right now the narrative feels washed out:  Meet girl A, meet girl B, art club, need one more girl, meet girl C, assume girl C  will be the fourth member = easy solution, etc..

 

And, if I haven’t already said it enough, SHOW NOT TELL!  You’ve got an interesting cast of characters.  As a reader, I don’t want to be informed about plot developments, I want to watch them.  Also, that’ll give you more opportunities to concisely and creatively reveal characters (as opposed to the voice of Aoki/God simply instructing us).

 

---

 

I’ll look forward to seeing more of the game.  Good luck, you can do it!

[Helvetica Standard]

 

(I'm only just getting to this post.  Sorry for the delay.)

 

Let me preface this by saying that I've done a lot of writing and have taught a few writing classes, and so my critiques are coming as a fellow writer, and not necessarily just as a reader.  I tried to include helpful criticism (such as my immediate technical difficulties and my impressions as a reader after the first 60 seconds of starting the game (post-disclaimers)).  These have always been useful metrics for me as a writer, and I hope they'll be useful to you.  

 

I won't have time to finish the full demo right this minute, but I'll post again with my overall thoughts once I've finished the demo.

 

In any case, I'm looking forward to following your project!

 

---

 

Tested on Win7 desktop and Win8 Surface Pro 2.

 

Technical problem right away: When I first booted up the program the game window opened up to a size of 1920x1080p.  That meant that most of the game was skewed off screen, and it took me a second to realize that I could resize the window to my liking.  I mention this because Ren’py has some cool functions to set a default window size when a user first opens the program.  My suggestion would be to choose a smaller default window size and include a note during an intro sequence that the window can be resized.  (the 1920x1080p window size was linked to my PC's resolution)

 

Technical suggestion: Include the ability to resize text.  On some monitors – like my Surface 2 Pro tablet/computer – the text is extremely small and hard to read.  A lot of VNers are playing VNs on PC tablets these days.

 

 

First 60 seconds impressions

The title screen is beautiful.

 

The dripping sound effect would sound better if the individual drip sounds were spread much further apart.  It rapidly got annoying (for lack of a better word).

 

In the first 60 seconds I was introduced to what will be a key narrative plot point: the “mindstorm” (good!), but its description was convoluted and I have no idea why it's important or where this story is going (not so good).  In other words:  The writing didn’t offer an immediate hook and failed to grip me.

 

Sentences felt convoluted most of the time and need a lot of editing for grammar. That said, it was accentuated with a few fantastic and insightful sentences (ex: “I’m afraid to be alone with myself.”) <-- These sorts of sentences are vivid, use active voice, and were insightful into the character.

 

Sentence spacing (or whatever term you want to use for how many sentences appear per-click) was distracting. I think every sentence of my 60-second-impression required its own click and stood naked on its own dialog screen.  A lot of the sentences would be better if grouped together (one example would be: “Not because of any foreign feeling or my warped awareness, but because there is nowhere [for me] to go. I cannot hide from myself.” <--- Note, I fixed some grammar in that example.) 

 

 

 

If I were to guess what the rest of the game will be like based on my first 60 seconds: I’d guess: It’ll have an interesting but depressing plot focused around the psychological phenomenon “mindstorm”.  The writing will be serviceable but will need a lot of grammar revision.  The protagonist will be a psychologically frayed.

 

 

---

 

Reading that over, I know it sounds critical.  I'll post as soon as I can finish the demo about my overall impressions.  I hope you'll put my suggestions aside and focus on the metrics I provided: the "If I were to guess what the rest of the game will be like based on my first 60 seconds" section at the end has always helped me as a writer.

 

 

EDIT: Also, I was trying to post a comment on your website and the wordpress login is very strange.  Could you fix it to accept wordpress users, and not just wordpress.com blogs? 

 

 

Many thanks for your feedback. We really appreciate this kind of good criticism. This helps us a lot in improving the VN!

Anyway, Helvetica Standard here. I'm project leader and I'm in charge of writing, programming, scripting and design. Nice to meet you! :3

 

First, my own disclaimer xD: I apologize in advance but I'm no writer. I'm a graphic designer and that's about it. I did study literature

a couple of years but that's all.

 

That said, yeah I know the ugly prose is a turnoff right away but I assure you I'm doing my best to revise the text with what little free time

I have (my job is very demanding) And it is due to this time constraint that I can't do much on that front. We have however, an excellent 

editor (Chocolatemilkgod) and he is working very hard to help the writing come along.

I thank you for your advice on this and I will certainly work on the writing so it flows better and is easier to read. :3

 

About your technical problems:

1. default window resolution for the VN is 1280x720. As far as I know, Ren'py has yet to implement support for full HD VN's

the same can be said about support for tablets, I'm indeed impressed with the fact that Violet Hill actually worked on your surface pro! XD

 

2.Text can't be resized at will by readers on the fly (not supported by Ren'py) but I can include a "change font" feature to allow users to pick 

the one they find easier to read. Default font size is 20px. A fair bit larget than most VN's so I'm not sure what might be wrong.

 

About your first impressions:

 

*Agreed on the sentence grouping, I'll check with Chocolatemilkgod about the word flow in sentences, thanks for your advice.

*Agreed on the dripping sound at the start, I'll reduce the frequency and add more latency.

*Agreed on the narrative hook, i'll work on more attractive alternatives.

 

About your issue with our website:  site is based on "Blogger", not wordpress. that might be causing your problem.

we'll do a wordpress variant of the site for those who are not familiar with "Blogger".

 

Anyway, many thanks for your feedback and suggestions, we really appreciate it!

Stay tuned for updates.

[Helvetica Standard]

 

Here are the rest of my impressions from the demo.  

 

Specific thoughts

Looping sound effects are often grating.  Longer effect loops with lower volumes will help.  For things like this, or adding more lines to dialog boxes (with auto-fitting/scaling, etc.) you can find tutorials on lemmasoft or in the Ren’py support documents.

 

A chronic issue in the demo was the need for less telling and more showing.  When you talk about the mindstorm being overwhelming, we’re informed of the fact but not introduced to the sounds and sights and memories which are actually overloading the narrator.  Instead of telling us (the readers) that the character is overwhelmed by the details, we (the readers) need to ourselves be overwhelmed by it!  A random example from the start: show us why the memory is overwhelming (ex: “The memories are too real and there’s too much to them.  It’s too much to remember every raindrop falling on my coat.  It’s too much to remember the number of ripples racing across the puddle under my feet.  My senses strain and buckle under the load of the perfect memory. // The sound of the rain becomes a roar as my vision goes white.  I can’t process it all.  The memories are too many, too perfect…”)  Another example of telling and not giving us more (or showing): “That piece of writing was key in defining who I am now.”  These statements could be expanded upon to give real narrative depth, insight into the narrator.  Right now they’re all over the place, which means there’s a lot of chances to make the story even better.

 

Add more sentences to each dialog box (more sentences per click). (Last time I bring this one up, promise!)

 

“And just like that, it’s over.” <--  Stop the sound effects at this screen.  The rain effect goes on too long.

 

THE INTRO MOVIE IS AWESOME!!! 

 

What is the sound effect which kicks in post-intro movie? It sounds like rustling and it’s endlessly looping.  It sounds very distracting.  Is it the sound of rain on the roof?

 

Keeping the narrator’s name “???” for a while at the start of the game was an interesting choice.  Why did you decide to do it that way?

 

The phone conversation early in the game is stiff and could probably be cut in half with editing.  Make sure the Kyousuke’s personality is firm before finalizing the dialog: right now I can’t tell what he’s like (he’s simultaneously friendly-abusive, friendly-caring, and extremely formal).  This is further complicated by Aoki calling him a “cretin”, etc.  Make their relationship ultra-clear from the get-go.

 

Why is the word “Mindstorm” in quotes in much of the early dialog?  You already introduced it to us at the start.  Now it’s a proper noun and plot point which we know about, so it can be left on its own.  (Update: all of a sudden the quotes went away.  Maybe it just needs to be edited out of the earlier lines)

 

The music is very nice!  (except maybe for the overly carnival like parts : ))

 

Aoki’s voice is hard to track.  Is there a reason his lines are stiff? “Why are you at the mercy of this downpour?”, the line about an “auspicious occasion” to recite a poem, etc.

 

I think I’m starting to understand your use of quotes.  “Mindstorm”.  “Masterkey”.  You use quotes to highlight your fiction’s jargon, right?  I think you might be better served by making them a different color (PURPLE!!) than putting them in quotes.

 

The explanatory sequences – where the backgrounds dim and text is centered – are very helpful.  If anything, use more of them so you don’t feel the need to sneak worldbuilding into the dialog (where it comes across as out-of-place).

 

I liked having a sound effect announce the decision points.  Very nice touch!

 

I’d suggest cleaning up the UI a little when you use character portraits next to their dialog.   Right now the face images are layered transparently over the “Violet Hill” image on the far-left. 

 

AaAH! My ears!  Have that ringing/screeching sound effect fade in and out (a few times if absolutely necessary – don’t let it loop.  : )  I almost died, there.), having it ring continuously made me want to furiously click through the dialog until it stopped.

 

Sasaski’s dialog was a little hard for me to swallow (thankfully she gets great music).  It was often awkwardly formal (and not in an in-character sort of way) (ex: “That’s right young sir, you could tell?”, followed by a lot of informal language, like “Umm…” etc.).  I know this is done purposefully (you have a line pointing this out: “She’s acting strange… now she’s suddenly informal.”), but it doesn’t come across that way yet.  If the dialog is tightened up (and grammar fixed), you could show her insecurity without needing to point it out.  (… but, really, kill the “young sir” line.  She’s young herself, and other polite references would work just as well in the situation)  The characterization confusion continues later with phrasings like “Eh? But prez!”

 

Aoki’s conversation with Sasaki was confusing.  He’s warm, friendly, making a friend.  That grates with the antisocial, conflicted Aoki who called the friend encouraging him to be social a “cretin”.  

 

Minamoto’s music really grew on me.  It’s great for her early characterization.  Will it change as we get to know her better?

 

The switching of the art club presidency was odd.  Do it later in the game (such as after Aoki manages to get Kanade in).  It really doesn’t make coming at this point (and the line from Minamoto, “There’s no one more capable than you.” was out of place, out of character, and very odd).  Minamoto has reasons for saying so (which makes the comment seem less out of place in retrospect), but the timing is off.  Later in the game (even just shortly after), such as in the first club meeting or after Aoki displays his talent to them (or as a reward for getting a 4th member) makes more narrative sense.

 

 

Overall Impressions:

Characterization – Needs to be tightened up.  A lot.  I’d suggest working extra hard to find each character’s personality and voice, and then redrafting the dialog to be consistent with the characters.  Of all the characters, Minamoto was done best, but even she needs a lot of work in the second half of the demo.  She keeps a relatively stable personality across most of the first half of the story up until the phone call to her late at night (which had a lot of promise, but her characterization quickly got loose and out of hand. I liked having her show excitement (read: more than a cool/cryptic side), but she quickly started speaking in ways outside the personality you’d developed for her.  That phone call marked the point of change away from her solid personality).  

 

Intro Movie – Extremely good.  I’d use it as quickly as possible, in fact.  The intro to the Mindstorm is a good idea (but it should be made much shorter and more concise and more vivid (show not tell!)), but it should be notable and quick and quickly lead to the movie.  The movie is so good that it promises a quality product.  It may make up for a slightly cryptic intro and keep the reader going.

 

Dialog – Stiff, verbose but promising.  If it was redrafted to be consistent with personalities and the grammar was cleaned up, I’d say it would come across much better.  Also, I think you could cut all the conversations in half by making them concise and clear, and the game would really benefit from it.

 

Sound effects – need to be volume-adjusted, and many need their loops to be adjusted.  Also, some are confusing.

 

Pacing – Slow it down.  Introduce the major characters before introducing the first plot problem (art club members).  Right now the narrative feels washed out:  Meet girl A, meet girl B, art club, need one more girl, meet girl C, assume girl C  will be the fourth member = easy solution, etc..

 

And, if I haven’t already said it enough, SHOW NOT TELL!  You’ve got an interesting cast of characters.  As a reader, I don’t want to be informed about plot developments, I want to watch them.  Also, that’ll give you more opportunities to concisely and creatively reveal characters (as opposed to the voice of Aoki/God simply instructing us).

 

---

 

I’ll look forward to seeing more of the game.  Good luck, you can do it!

 

thanks for your feedback and suggestions once again! <3

 

Now to answer your doubts and suggestions:

 

less telling more showing: I won't lie, I don't agree. It's a visual novel 

that's true, but I'd like to focus on the narrative for now.

 

more sentences per dialog string: As I said, I agree. Will look into it ASAP.

 

intro movie: I'm glad you like it. 

 

sound on roof SFX: Word. replaced by a more fitting one.

 

VN jargon: Great idea! I will change the text colour instead of using quotes, MANY THANKS.

 

Phone conversation: was written like this on purpose, also formal dialogue is

something I would like to keep as a personal preference. (I don't like VN's

with overly colloquial dialogue between characters.)

 

Aoki's voice: Must be stiff. (personality trait.)

 

Music: glad you like it, "carnival" one is on purpose. Happens when they're doing

dumb shit. XD

 

UI is clean. side images are not transparent by default. Not sure if it's on your end only XD

 (tested many times already.)

 

ringing sound: will be toned down, sorry XD

 

sasaki's dialog: will be revised, thanks!

 

Narrative: will be worked on to add more upon it make it flow better, as for the plot:

not changing step 1, step 2 routine. It's the common route, and nothing much in regard to

story progression is going to happen in the first chapter.

 

pacing: slowing it down, totally agree.

 

Thanks again for your time, your feedback helped us a lot!

I'm glad you've liked it so far, we'll make sure to keep working on making it even better. :3

[Tay]

Thanks for reading through my long responses.  Yeah, I wish you the best of luck!

 

My comments regarding dialog might not have been clearly phrased.  I realize that your aim was to characterize and express personality through the dialog itself (which is important in good writing).  My point was that the dialog itself needed to be redrafted before -- in my opinion -- any of that characterization could come through.  Right now my attention is drawn to the wording itself, and not to what the characters are saying (or the personalities which are saying it).

 

My suggestion would be to read through all the conversations out loud.  I think you'll see what I mean.

 

All the same, good luck! Keep us posted.

[Hazel-Bun]

Yay pretty much hit on everything I was going to mention so ahahaha! I strongly believe that the game is suffering from too much purple prose and not using enough of the visual aspect (the showing half) of a VN. Narration is fine but it's less needed in a media where you literally have a picture there along with the text to paint a scene. Espically when characters jump around in voice and word choice so much. The dialogue kind of comes across as trying to call everything blood orange instead of, well, red for no other reason than to sound cool.

But overall, I liked it very much ^^ A couple rounds of more editing alongside maybe little activities to pin down voice and this VN will be top-notch imho

[Helvetica Standard]

Yay pretty much hit on everything I was going to mention so ahahaha! I strongly believe that the game is suffering from too much purple prose and not using enough of the visual aspect (the showing half) of a VN. Narration is fine but it's less needed in a media where you literally have a picture there along with the text to paint a scene. Espically when characters jump around in voice and word choice so much. The dialogue kind of comes across as trying to call everything blood orange instead of, well, red for no other reason than to sound cool.

But overall, I liked it very much ^^ A couple rounds of more editing alongside maybe little activities to pin down voice and this VN will be top-notch imho

T-Thanks a lot for the feedback, mr.QC'er... he  he he  he....

Now...I'm going to go apeshit if I hear "purple prose" in this thread again... щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

[Hoshizora]

Not sure if this is a good idea or not but I think it would be really cool if you could make this support on mobile devices(android and ios)

Not sure if it would take a lot of extra work but I could see this being a compelling feature to some readers!

[MellowMadman11]

Here is an update for the art in Violet Hill! Since we are hard pressed to find free artists who have the time to work on the sprites for the game, Helvetica has messed around with some drawing on his own. Here is the result:

 

 

This is Rin 2.0 as Helv had originally imagined her (a less... 'meaty' version than the 3DCG sprite that was being used before). Doing all the sprites himself with all the expression and clothes changes is a huge undertaking (especially if we would ever want to add any pose changes...) and will take a while to do considering his schedule... but it will result in a better visual novel. We would still very much appreciate any artists to help out (there's still a lot to be done in the art department, like other sprites and CGs if we ever want them), but at the very least we will have some pretty sprites to work with <3 (since I found the other ones horrendous...).

 

Also, as a side note, I actually really like helv's art. He was lying when he said he couldn't draw >.<

I like the look of this. I should play the demo when I have time, but the lighting problem I thought you had earlier is gone in this image.