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[project] Rewriting Sakura no Kisetsu into "standard" VN structure

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Chapter nine finished. If I'm reading script correctly, choice made in this chapter (christmas present) is kind of point of no return when it comes to the endings/routes - if you try to stray off the chosen route later on, you're heading for bad end.

Spoiler

You're also screwed if all girls reject you at this point because you were too indecisive earlier (although you won't get instant bad end, that would be too easy :P).

(Also, endings for Seia and Meimi branch off at this point - their routes are a bit shorter than Reiko, Kiyomi, Mio, Ruri and Aki)

Edited by adamstan

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7 hours ago, Stormwolf said:

Man, with this game as multiple others, i bet the people drawing the cg's have absolutely no connection with those writing the story. A visual novel should really have cg's reflect what you read, otherwise it's pretty much pointless.

I suppose there were also diskspace constraints, as it is from floppy times. Now it's no concern, so I'm doing what I can ;)

As for progress report - I finished everything up to the final confession scenes. Now there are only endings left to do.

Edited by adamstan

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In preparation for the incoming retranslation/reediting job, I'm lining up extracted original and translated lines in a spreadsheet. It turns out, that in addition to pretty awkward translation, many dialogues were significantly cut by translation team for no apparent reason. (I mean, it wasn't censorship, just cutting out random pieces of text...) That would explain why sometimes parts of dialogue feel disconnected to me, especially when they aren't separated by "Talk:heroine" commands, as is the case with my project.

Just look at this short scene (Shuuji and Kiyomi hiding from the rain in the cave during mountain camp in chapter 5):

Spoiler

sakura-strings.png

Those 8 cut lines leave pretty big gap if you ask me - they basically axed whole second part of this dialogue.

There are many parts like this. Tsk,tsk, JAST...

Edited by adamstan

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1 minute ago, adamstan said:

There are many parts like this. Tsk,tsk, JAST...

I wonder what happened here. Cutting down on TL costs by removing random text? Only God knows. Well, that was quite a while ago. Nowadays, it'd be outrageous if they kept doing such things.

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2 minutes ago, Infernoplex said:

I wonder what happened here. Cutting down on TL costs by removing random text? Only God knows. Well, that was quite a while ago. Nowadays, it'd be outrageous if they kept doing such things.

Yeah, and I believe they don't ;) But it is really strange, and it significantly lowers the quality of the translated version. As I see it now, many shortcomings of this VN, that I attributed just to its old age, seem to be actually caused by poor translation job...

Edited by adamstan

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4 hours ago, adamstan said:

Yeah, and I believe they don't ;) But it is really strange, and it significantly lowers the quality of the translated version. As I see it now, many shortcomings of this VN, that I attributed just to its old age, seem to be actually caused by poor translation job...

Not the first VN to have such a problem. You know VN Divi-dead? I read that one, and I actually wanted to enjoy it. Dark, mystery VN. It had everything to be a potential great title. However, the translation for it was apparently total trash. So yeah... most of those older VNs had botched, terrible translations, hence they were hard to enjoy.

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3 hours ago, Infernoplex said:

You know VN Divi-dead? I read that one, and I actually wanted to enjoy it. Dark, mystery VN. It had everything to be a potential great title. However, the translation for it was apparently total trash.

I haven't played DiviDead, but I played Nocturnal Illusion. Enjoyed it despite abysmal translation. It was much worse than what we see here - it went beyond stiff and awkward, and right into grammatical error mayhem. Seemed like translator didn't know how English works ;) I've heard that DiviDead was even worse  :P

Actually, I enjoyed "Season of Sakura" too, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this project now ;) But those cut out portions of dialogue really baffle me, as - from what I can see - they provided either additional comedy or important background info for characters. Maybe translator was lazy, or thought that it was redundant (very convenient) :P

I hope that my work on this project will help more people to enjoy this VN.

Edited by adamstan

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8 hours ago, adamstan said:

I hope that my work on this project will help more people to enjoy this VN.

It's quite an old title, so the interest may not be great. But worry not, fans of retro visual novels still exist out there :) Especially those with nostalgia ^^

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And <drum roll> porting of the original english script is finished!

All flags routes and choices seem to work correctly.

Now comes the hard part - restoring removed parts, and trying to fix overall TL-awkwardness.

Also I want to add some sound effects.

 

Edited by adamstan

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Currently there's no "visible" progress, but I'm still going. I'm halfway through lining up the lines for retranslation that I mentioned before.

While we're at it - it turns out that in original version the employee at fastfood place wasn't explicitly said to be a girl - it's just 店員, so original drawing with a guy was OK. But I'm not changing it back - after all, it's kind of proto-moege, so you can never have too many cute girls ;) Therefore she's going to stay :D

ab-35.png

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2 hours ago, adamstan said:

Those cuts are really getting ridiculous sometimes...

16 lines (75% of the scene) summed up with single "..................................................". Talk about laziness...

 

This must've been literally one of the JAST's first projects after forming the company, right? I guess it could've easily been even worse, in those dark ages of Japanese game localisation. :o

But regardless of that, I think the "rewriting" in this thread's title is slowly gaining a new meaning. :nico: Maybe you should take your time and find some volunteers to help you fill these gaps? Consider how good your basic idea for this project was, it could easily become the ultimate version of SnK in every possible way with some translation rewrites. :)

Edited by Plk_Lesiak

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6 minutes ago, Plk_Lesiak said:

This must've been literally one of the JAST's first projects after forming the company, right?

That's right, it's the very first release by JAST USA.

6 minutes ago, Plk_Lesiak said:

Maybe you should probably take your time and find some volunteers to help you fill these gaps? Consider how good your basic idea for this project was, it could easily become the ultimate version of SnK in every possible way with some translation rewrites.

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm aiming for :)

If there are any translators and editors who would like to join me in this project - I'd be really grateful :)

 

Edited by adamstan

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Thanks :)

As for the translation - language used in this VN is rather simple, so in the worst case, I should be able to do at least some of the translation myself, but TLC, and especially editor will be a must to ensure decent quality.

Like I said before, whole script is about 15-16k lines long.

But first, I have to prepare/organize scripts. Line up original text and old translation, matching corresponding lines and seeing where the gaps are (I'm doing this now), and then arrange it in the same order that in my ported version. Then, we could even include JP text - Ren'py engine supports multi-language games.

(But then, wouldn't mosaics have to be permanently 'on' when switched to JP version? ;) )

Edited by adamstan

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Another interesting case - almost completely rewritten scene, in a way that significantly changes characters... (part of Ruri's h-scene)

English version:

Spoiler

    Ruri's body, cold from the air, began to get warm.
Shuuji: It's alright, Ruri. I'll be gentle...
Ruri: Shuuji, I have to tell you......
Shuuji: Tell me what?
Ruri: I'm not.... I mean, I've done this before.
Shuuji: .........................
Ruri: ......................
Shuuji: .......I see.
Ruri: There was a boy...at a school I went to last year, and...
Shuuji: .........................................
    It wasn't easy for me to hear, of course. I think all men are the same.
    I thought of Kyouko-sensei, and everything that she had taught me...
    ......But her special lessons never prepared me for this.
    Ruri was watching me intently. Her eyes began to fill with tears.
Ruri: Are you.....mad?
Shuuji: ............................................
Ruri: I'm not......dirty, am I?
    I looked at her lying next to me, then. Her small body... so frail....
    Ruri was willing to give herself to me now. Because she loved me.
    Suddenly, it was alright.
Shuuji: ............I'm not mad. And there isn't a part of you that's dirty.
Ruri: Thank you.
Ruri: Have you.....before?
    I nodded.
Ruri: ....Oh.

Original:

Spoiler

 

    冷え切っていた瑠璃の体は熱く上気していた。
修司: 大丈夫。恐くないよ・・・
瑠璃: 修司君・・・・・・・・・
瑠璃: 誰かとこういうことしたことあるの?
修司: えっ!?
瑠璃: ・・・・・・・・・慣れてる・・・
    瑠璃の目がじわっと潤む。
    (うわーっ、なんて答えたらいいんだ!)
    (こんな時に正直に答えるのは馬鹿のすることだし・・・)
    (かといって、ウソでごまかすのも・・・)
修司: ・・・瑠璃。神に誓って、俺が女の子を抱くのはこれが初めてだ。
    (今日子先生には「抱かれた」んであって、決してウソはついてないぞ。)
瑠璃: ・・・・・・・・・
    瑠璃は全てを見通すような瞳で俺を見つめている。
修司: ・・・信じろ。
瑠璃: 修司君・・・私、どうすればいいのか分からない。
修司: ・・・基本的なことは学校で習わなかった?
瑠璃: 「汚らわしい」って・・・お母様が・・・。
修司: ・・・瑠璃は汚らわしいって思う?
瑠璃: ・・・・・・・・・わからない。
修司: なら、俺が教えてやるよ・・・

 

Original dialogue roughly translates to:

Spoiler

Shuuji: It's alright, don't be afraid...
Ruri: Shuuji-kun...
Ruri: Have you done it with someone before?
Shuuji: What?
Ruri: ...You seem used to it...
Shuuji: (Waah, how should I answer that? Asnwering honestly would be stupid... But lying isn't good either...)
Shuuji: Ruri, I swear that I'm holding a girl like this for the first time.
(It certainly isn't lie. With Kyouko-sensei, I was held by her // she forced herself on me)
Ruri: ................
Ruri stared at me intently, like she was seeing right through me
Shuuji: Please believe me.
Ruri: Shuuji-kun... I don't know what should I do // how to do it.
Shuuji: Well, haven't we learned basics of it at school?
Ruri: My mother said that it's dirty.
Shuuji: Do you think so? // Do you think you're dirty?
Ruri: ..........I don't know....
Shuuji: Then I'll teach you...

I have to admit, I actually liked that rewritten version, and think it may be better than original, nevertheless it's pretty extreme rewrite - especially Ruri's situation is almost completely reversed, and Shuuji is pretty different between both versions too.

Spoiler

In original version , it's her first time. But I don't like Shuuji's response in that version - I prefer his honesty in the rewritten one.

 

Edited by adamstan

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46 minutes ago, adamstan said:

I have to admit, I actually liked that rewritten version, and think it may be better than original, nevertheless it's pretty extreme rewrite - especially Ruri's situation is almost completely reversed, and Shuuji is pretty different between both versions too.

It looks like even in the mid-90s some people were already sick of the virgin sex trope in JP eroge? :P

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Yeah, I thought it was really nice change after other routes. And also, it made the scene a bit less generic - that's why I liked it. The big question is - which version should I choose now?

Edited by adamstan

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I wonder if those changes were perhaps consulted with original writers? After all, original version was made by JAST, and JAST USA was just founded as their english localization branch. They certainly cooperated closely on this - after all they got original unmosaiced HCGs from original artists.

Actually, with all other alterations and omissions I intend to restore it to original state, but this single scene is the only case when I felt like altered version was better written and more interesting.

Well, there's plenty of time to make a decision ;)

Edited by adamstan

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