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BlackHat

"Non Existent Wish" ----- Need feedbacks from my Kickstarter project

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https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/hbpencilneko/717816440?ref=481002&token=940b5a2c

it will be nice to have any sort of feedback from you guys. Or any mistakes. Grammar will do too.
If you enjoy the project or any feedbacks, you are welcomed to reply here as well as in the kickstarter page

Note that there are somethings that haven't added to the project yet. Here are the followings:

  • Video
  • Japanese Page Translation as well as Chinese Page Translation
  • Some images
  • Character introduction text
     

Thanks

Edited by BlackHat

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Sorry to say it, but the "Grammer" is indeed a bit of a problem, nothing here or on the Kickstarter page makes me feel confident enough to invest money in your project. Plus £7500 is a pretty high goal, for something that feels like an unfortunate lovechild of poor English and corny writing.

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The grammar needs to be improved. If you're trying to market your kickstarter project, you have to at least come off fluent in order to entice viewers to invest in your work. I take it that English is not your first language correct?

Also, the art looks decent enough, though the body proportions need some adjustment. The male lead in particular is lacking a proper build, and his arms are scrawny.

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1 hour ago, UnlimitedMoeWorks said:

The grammar needs to be improved. If you're trying to market your kickstarter project, you have to at least come off fluent in order to entice viewers to invest in your work. I take it that English is not your first language correct?

Also, the art looks decent enough, though the body proportions need some adjustment. The male lead in particular is lacking a proper build, and his arms are scrawny.

Agree with that. The male character will be adjusted soon. You are correct, English is not my first language. Proofreading hasn't started yet. Hopefully it makes more sense after I proofread it.

 

4 hours ago, Plk_Lesiak said:

Sorry to say it, but the "Grammer" is indeed a bit of a problem, nothing here or on the Kickstarter page makes me feel confident enough to invest money in your project. Plus £7500 is a pretty high goal, for something that feels like an unfortunate lovechild of poor English and corny writing.

Thanks for feedback. I still haven't proofread it so it may look a bit weird. I know that £7500 is quite a high goal, however it is pretty much a very minimum thats needed as translating and seiyuu fees are quite costy.

Edited by BlackHat

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1 hour ago, BlackHat said:

You are correct, English is not my first language. Proofreading hasn't started yet. Hopefully it makes more sense after I proofread it.

I recommend hiring an editor who is a natural English speaker. They'll help you out the most with your grammar, and be a large asset for your proofreading needs.

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2 hours ago, UnlimitedMoeWorks said:

I recommend hiring an editor who is a natural English speaker. They'll help you out the most with your grammar, and be a large asset for your proofreading needs.

Thanks, I will consider that.

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9 hours ago, BlackHat said:

Thanks for feedback. I still haven't proofread it so it may look a bit weird. I know that £7500 is quite a high goal, however it is pretty much a very minimum thats needed as translating and seiyuu fees are quite costy.

£7500 is the bare min cost of producing a professional-like VN is 1 thing. Whether or not you will reach it is another. As other had mentioned, it is quite high and competition for Kickstarter patrons is fierce so I think you should be more realistic about it.

One thing you can do to attract attention is to create a better front cover art as first impression is very important. Another author recently posted here (presumably) for advertisement, and the cover page art of his project is pretty good imo (although the actual novel needs a lot of work).

Not saying you need to create something like that, but rather do come up with something more striking and interesting as the current cover of the-girl-in-clouds artwork is rather bland imo

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5 hours ago, phantomJS said:

£7500 is the bare min cost of producing a professional-like VN is 1 thing. Whether or not you will reach it is another. As other had mentioned, it is quite high and competition for Kickstarter patrons is fierce so I think you should be more realistic about it.

One thing you can do to attract attention is to create a better front cover art as first impression is very important. Another author recently posted here (presumably) for advertisement, and the cover page art of his project is pretty good imo (although the actual novel needs a lot of work).

Not saying you need to create something like that, but rather do come up with something more striking and interesting as the current cover of the-girl-in-clouds artwork is rather bland imo

 

Thanks for the feedback. I understand £7500 is rather high, that's why I am trying to get as much feedbacks as possible as well as adding a video to it. Once the campaign is released, there is no turning back. I will do the cost checkups one more time to make sure is there any way I can lower it.

I agree that cover page art looks rather bland, I haven't really paid too much attention to that so I didn't notice it. It will be changing soon. Thanks for the heads up.

 

 

Edited by BlackHat

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10 minutes ago, milkteebaby said:

It just needs a lot of work. Cannot stress "a lot" enough. 

Thanks for feedback. Can you please list a couple of specific points so that I can improve it?

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4 hours ago, BlackHat said:

Thanks for feedback. Can you please list a couple of specific points so that I can improve it?

Well, everyone already mentioned it. Better graphics, you need an editor fluent in English, the layout of your page looks okay, but the sprites need work. I can't look at them for long, those hands creep me the hell out. For campaigns like this, I really think it's 80% graphics and 20% story. You've got to have flash, glitz and glamour or no one will give this project a second glance.

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26 minutes ago, milkteebaby said:

Well, everyone already mentioned it. Better graphics, you need an editor fluent in English, the layout of your page looks okay, but the sprites need work. I can't look at them for long, those hands creep me the hell out. For campaigns like this, I really think it's 80% graphics and 20% story. You've got to have flash, glitz and glamour or no one will give this project a second glance.

I would agree and disagree. I can live through mediocre graphics but I've stopped treating the whole thing seriously at "An Japanese style visual novel consist of a romantic story between a despaired boy and a mysterious girl". Even if it was written in proper English, the cliches... Just nope. Although I agree that the visuals are poor in relation to the campaign goal.

Kickstarter this big just isn't going to happen with such a poor preparation and apparently no past projects to the dev's name - thus my unpleasant initial reaction, it's just a waste of time on the part of the author. And crowdfunding in general is an ethically complicated issue, asking people to fund your game should only be done if you really know what you're doing IMO. 

Edited by Plk_Lesiak

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49 minutes ago, Plk_Lesiak said:

I would agree and disagree. I can live through mediocre graphics but I've stopped treating the whole thing seriously at "An Japanese style visual novel consist of a romantic story between a despaired boy and a mysterious girl". Even if it was written in proper English, the cliches... Just nope. Although I agree that the visuals are poor in relation to the campaign goal.

:P Well, we all know you have higher standards than the average VN reader.

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17 minutes ago, milkteebaby said:

:P Well, we all know you have higher standards than the average VN reader.

Not sure about that really. :P I might might focus on different things than most, but I don't think this project can capture the imagination of the Winged Cloud/Nekopara crowd, or any other low-demanding audience, even with improved art. ;p

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