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Fuwa Confession: I'm lost.


Asuka

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I’m so very sorry in advance for this incredibly long wall of text

 

I’m in my last semester, and am about to graduate soon. You know how things are when you’re about to graduate: hectic, tons of exams and tons of stuffs that you need to sort out.

For a background, I’m not exactly the brightest person in my class – I’m a loner, and I’m just not exactly the best in engaging with any form of face-to-face communication. I have anxiety disorder and I get panic attacks at school sometimes thanks to the overwhelming anxiety and how I’m paranoid 24/7. Thanks to this, I’m perceived as a weird, disgusting student by my classmates. When they are having fun with themselves, I’m just reading my books at the corner, because that’s what I’m most comfortable with in doing. It doesn’t help that most of them are so self-centered and literally every of them belongs to a “group” or basically their own circle of friends. I don’t belong to any of them. Everyone thinks I’m disgusting and weird. I have very low self-esteem, I’m awkward, and my mental illness is also making everything worse. Even when I tell my problems to irl people around me – their responses would just be “That’s just because you don’t talk with them” or “You can fix that by socializing with them more”, and, gosh, how do you even talk with them when they’ve hated everything about you already? – People around me only say such advices which are easier to say than done, and sometimes they also reprimand me thanks to my incompetence, and it isn’t exactly helpful.

Now, as I’ve mentioned before, there’ll be so many exams to be done; and some are for my graduation passing grades. Some of these are done in “practice” instead of writing exams. It all comes down to group work. Now, usually I’d have no problem as most lecturers decide on the group and its members/etc on their own, but in this case we actually have the luxury to decide it ourselves. Girls and boys are divided. I’m a girl, and, here’s the thing; each group consists of 6 people. There are a total of 25 girls, including me, at my class. Obviously, I’m the odd one being left out, and no one wants to have me in their group.

Another background: this particular lecturer for the subject I’m talking about hates me, and one day, when I opened up with her about the problem hoping for some advices, she just instead resorted to giving me the same, unhelpful response that everyone else had also been saying: “That’s because you don’t talk with them.” And, that’s not even the worst part – she just had to poke fun at my “abnormal” mental state and even told it to the other lecturers who were around when I came to her. “Look at her, she’s so weird and doesn’t have any friends.”

I can still remember vividly the weird, questioning looks all those lecturers were giving me – they still haunt me to no end whenever I remember about them, and I’d always get instant anxiety. After that event, I had to deal with another panic attack. I cried for the whole day.

Obviously, this has to do for my graduation grades. So I thought to myself that I shouldn’t give up that easily and that I should fight off my anxiety issue this time.

I tried to beg a group(which has the only one classmate that I can actually trust out of all the girls I know at my class because our circumstance is kinda the same; let’s call her V) to let me in their group. Before this, the class girls decided to have a lottery between each group on who will accept me to their group; and V’s group drew the short stick. So, technically, even if I beg another groups to let me in to their group; their responses would just be something like “But we’ve already assigned you to V’s group. We have no responsibility over you and them. So get in contact with V’s group instead.” which, in my mind; translates to something like “we don’t like you so obviously you can’t join our comfy circle of friends so gtfo.”

But, another problem rises off the curtain: V’s group consists of 5 another girls and their circle of friends is probably the most violent in how they dislike me(at least the other girls’ circle try to make it subtle if they respond something to me or wanna talk behind me), but on several occassions I’ve become V’s group’s other members’ jokes in public where I can hear them; I see them talking to the other circle of friends about me and about how weird I am, all in front of me, and perhaps they’re doing it on purpose, haha. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that they’re probably the most obnoxious bunch I’ve ever met in my whole life ever. They even vague me(like without name-dropping me) through their social media statuses where I can see them as clear as a day(they want me to see them obviously); all the more putting me off and giving me even more anxiety and worries.

So, of course, even with the class’ consideration by them doing that lottery and stuffs, things didn’t go that easy. To start it off, I honestly can’t... like, everytime I see them – thanks to their treatment to me(shittalking me in public and stuffs) – I get mild panic attack. I’m so scared, so so scared I just want to vomit. I just can’t converse with them that well. So, to cope with it, I resorted to only talking with one of them(it’s not V because she seems to be frightened with them as well)... she confirmed the fact that I’ve been decided to be in their group, and all the stuffs. That was a week ago.

Yesterday night, when I chatted her back hearing that there’ll be group practice this weekend and asked her for the details; she openly said to me to not talk to her again and instead told me to get in touch with her group’s other members instead. And so, gathering up all the confidence I could muster to overcome my anxiety in talking with them; I made a group chat with the other 5 members. I sincerely apologized to them for only being in touch with one of them instead of everyone. I admitted that the fault’s totally on me, I apologized and apologized, then asked again if they’d let me in their group.

But the damage’s already been done. And to top it off, they dislike me so much. Obviously they won’t just treat it like nothing and let me in to their group. So they responded to my apology in where I did wrong and all those stuffs... and I feel like most of them are exaggerated and that they were just victimizing themselves – but my personal thoughts are for another story. I can’t say that I’m not part of the faults in this incident, obviously. I know that. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost.

And so I’m left with a hopeless state: everyone hates me, even the lecturer for this subject hates me, and I’m all alone, anxious, paranoid, with no group; my grades in possible danger. The said lecturer will obviously shit on my incompetence next week on the day of the practice exam where I’m gonna do all the things alone all by myself, all my classmates will be giving me looks(but I bet they’re laughing their asses off inside their heart), and I’m honestly just... not looking forward to all those. I’m tired. I don’t wanna deal with any more verbal attacks from people... feeling anxious and paranoid... I’m just devastated, I don’t think I can think clearly. But I know... I must not run away.

I’m truly sorry for the depressing long thread; I don’t know if posting in a forum full of strangers you haven’t ever met will help me all that much(especially when I think about how some of you may be thinking about how stupid I am and how much of a coward I am after reading this walltext), but I just... I just need a place to let it all out, I guess. I've been lurking here for quite often and I find it pleasant in how everyone shares their thoughts and advices to help each other. And then I came across the Fuwa Confessions thingy... so, yeah.

I’m... looking for advices, or thoughts, I guess. Or even simple words of encouragement will help, haha. Thank you for reading up until the end TT

 

(Btw V doesn’t even help me and I know she won’t ever do it so that she won’t get in her group’s bad side)

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Just about to graduate, huh. You're quite young. 

You'll probably have to work a lot in the future to get past your issues. I think an important thing for now is that this chapter of your life will be over soon. Focus on your presentation, try to get a passing grade. You'll never have to see a lot of these people again.

Now, I think the bigger issue when it comes to this probably actually lies in your mindset, but I understand it's not something you can change just by being told to change it. I'm not about to tell you these people aren't shitty because I don't know any of them and it seems that you just so happened to hit the lottery of extremely awful people to be around, but in most cases, people won't hate you for existing. Reading over this text, I see you assume a lot of what's in other people's minds, and you tend to assume the most hurtful, destructive things those people could possibly be thinking of at that time towards you. I think before actually trying to socialize with people, you should look for help to properly deal with that anxiety and paranoia, since it seems to cripple you significantly.  

I'd construct that as good news to you, though, since you've already taken at least some steps towards sharing your problems and seeking help by posting this thread. It's very brave of you, and a good step towards helping yourself. Congratulations. If you haven't already, try to look for help in real life. There are anxiety or depression support groups out there who will be patient and listen to you and your worries, as well as be able to give real advice about this, since the whole situation is kind of unrelatable to me. 

 

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Hey, your problems in high school sound like my problems in high school!! (We're talking about high school, right? Let me know if not!) I have a panic disorder too. It's a huge fuckin pain right??

Here's the good news: You're almost out. All of those people sound like garbage and you never have to see those fuckers again. School can feel like the world when you're concerned about grades and performance -- it's not, you know it's not in the logical part of your brain, and it'll explode into better things once it's over in a few short months. Better yet, regardless of what your teachers might say to motivate you, your success in school does not determine your success in life. Even if you want to continue with school, it's possible to recover from your failures: I dropped out of high school due to mental illness and took my damn time with my undergraduate degree. Now I'm in grad school! Sure fooled them.

What ended up really really helping me, and I wish I'd known this sooner, was a very easy drug prescription. Not saying it works for everyone, but for me it definitely took the edge off of all the bad habits I formed after years of verbal abuse by my family and schoolmates and I could form newer/better habits. I'm 25 now and it still takes a lot of work not to assume the worst of people when they invite me out or compliment me. And if your school offers some kind of counseling/therapy, take them up on it! They're paid to make you feel safe.

The future is bright. Feel free to talk to me any time!

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Hey Asuka I read your whole post

I can kind of relate to what you are going through I was a loner, in high school, and never tried hard to do well, wasn't very good at sports, and mostly kept to myself.

I did manage to have a few friends though but they were mostly only surface level. From what you posted it seems like you have gone through a much much worse experience than I ever did but I felt like mentioning it so that you know that I at least have some kind idea where you are coming from. I didn't have the level of anxiety and paranoia that you have but I still have some mild form of depression and anxiety.

The good thing about high school is it is not the end and it should not be thought of as such. The people in high school don't matter all of their friend circles and cliques won't mean a thing when you graduate. There is still so many things that you have yet to experience or accomplish. In a few years your experience will hopefully be just a blemish on your otherwise fruitful life. There are also so many different people with experiences that are similar to yours and have to go through similar bullshit as well. Congratulations on making the first step and posting about your experience. I imagine that it was really hard to write. I definitely don't think that you are stupid or a coward. You are quite brave for posting this. I hope you can stick around and post more. Feel free to message or talk to me on here. I know how important a welcoming online community can be. When I think about my few really happy times from my high school days I am reminded of all the good times I spent on a forum with a lot of like minded people. Think of me as your friend is what I"m trying to say.

 

Edited by Ranzo
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I think quite a few people in a place like this will relate to some elements of your story. My anxiety actually kicked in during my college years, but I was always a loner and a weirdo. I will tell you one thing, following on what Kaguya said: people in your school might dislike you for being different and surely might misunderstand you, but unless they're all the scum of the earth without the smallest bit of empathy in them, they aren't "disgusted" with you - this is, at least to some extent, your mind playing tricks on you. And if some of them might act like that because of the group dynamics in your class etc., if they have any kind of decency, one day they'll look in the mirror and only feel disgusted with themselves.

Also, as Kaguya and Eris said, you're almost out of there, all those shitty people will be a thing of the past in a few months, so what they think of you and how they act towards you is the least important thing on Earth, as long as you get through this project and possibly a few other hurdles.

My intuition (it might be worth nothing, but it comes from experience) would be not apologizing (if you apologize for everything it will just make you seem weak and incompetent, believe me, I've been there so many times) or trying to reconcile, but asking for a way of contributing to the project with as little interaction with them as possible. If you have any ideas about the project, start by sharing them. You can't suddenly become likeable, but you can show that you're useful. If you can keep communicating with them without eye-to-eye interactions that get your anxiety kick in, it's also great. If you need effects now, don't try to fight through your limitations, find a workaround.

Obviously, anxiety is a disorder, something that has to be dealt with through therapy, but beyond that, you have right to be different. If you one day fully get rid of your current problems you might become a very sociable, easygoing person, but you might as well be still very much introverted and quirky. People's opinions of you, unless you want them to marry you or give you a job, are not really that important. Remember that the main thing that matters is being true to yourself and living the way you see fit. And when you have to deal with assholes (a huge part of our lives), think how to get rid of them efficiently, not how to get on their good side.

Anyways, I wish you luck, and I hope that venting here made you feel a bit better, I know it always does that for me. :)

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It's helpful you mention that you're about to graduate, because, as previous posts mentioned, it seems that you need only get an acceptable grade and be on your merry way. I assure you that even the most anxious of people don't think about these things 10 years down the line―on the contrary, you should expect the stress of this project (and the individuals associated with it) to be behind you as soon as it's done.

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Ok, ok....well, I am not a psychologist or anything....and, don't get me wrong, I am not a super expert in life or some sort of guru.
So, just take what I'm about to write as some sort of light opinions.
I am 23, and I am still astonished about how people keep overestimating the other people around them.
People are just...people. Even your parents, this "V" person....the people that keep shittalking about you...they're no better than you or anyone else.
I know you feel like you're alone...and you probably are. So what? Make it a strong point.
I graduated when I was 18...and, I think, everywhere in the world, the graduation exams is a "kill or be killed" kind of scenario.
A little example: during my the first written graduation exam, my ex classmates plotted against me, just because I wasn't there for their non-official meeting in the city where THEY lived. To put it simply: I was supposed to sit in front of the commission, while they were just take the seats on the rear of the class.
I just didn't give a damn.
During the said exam, I pushed my way to the classroom and I sat wherewer I wanted. They complained. I didn't give a damn. I passed that exam. 14/15. Best mark of the entire class.
So, yeah...you'll be alone during your graduation exam. Like each and everyone of us.

Now, about the groupwork.
-Is it mandatory? (Never know of a "group graduation exam")
If it is...well, my advice is: treat people like people. Nothing more. You've been assigned to that group? That's fine. That was not your decision. Have them let you know what you have to do, and just do it.
No need to get in good terms with them. It's just work. Nothing personal. No need to get overly close to them.

If your problem is about making friends, well...
Just wait.
I don't have many friends, just a lot of aquaitances. But I know for a fact that, after the High-school period, you'll meet someone with your same interests.

that's it.
Again, remember:
Beign alone has got a lot of bad sides....but a couple of good ones, too.



 

Edited by MarcomiX
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Mate, don't freak out, I Know anxiety is shit and it is not easy to control, but, seriously don't bother with this type of people, you're about to graduate, you'll probably never see them again.

Do what you have to do, study so you can pass your exams (and make a strong point), ignore any stares from people you don't have to give them any satisfaction (I know it is easier said than done, but, you already took the right step by being courageous enough to tell your story to us!).

Dedicate yourself and try too seek help.  I'm no psychologist so I can't give you the best advice, but, all I can say that while these situations seems like the end,  they will only make you stronger! You're brave woman, this is just the beginning of your life and even if you think you can't handle it, you can! You took your first step by seeking advice, so now go up this stair of life without looking back, fight through it and you'll see that not everything is as dark as it seems.

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I see you already got a few answers, but I'm gonna add something.

First of all, I don't know you obviously, so I'm going to judge the situation basing only on your post. What I noticed first is that you are over-apologizing. You wrote to someone from your workgroup asking for info and she told you not to? Why not? What is wrong with asking information? Why should you even apologize for that? I think I can understand what went through that person's head and if I'm right, and I probably am, she should be the one apologizing to you. So, don't apologize. Not to people like that.

Apart from this, I can assure you that change is always possible. But you must want to change, and put energy and hard work into it. Really hard work. You'll fail, more than once, but don't give up. Pick up one thing you want to change, one at a time, and work on that. Good luck ;)

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