Thank you for helping me cope with my dad's passing :)

[InvertMouse]

Hi everyone . Thank you for helping me cope with my dad's funeral earlier.

About a month has passed since his death. I am back at work and things are generally okay. Our family stuck together during Christmas and had a great time, though there is a sadness in the background because we all know someone is missing. Work helped to distract me from these thoughts, but I felt sad again during the Christmas break. Still a bit up and down.

We have been given a recording of my dad's cremation ceremony. Turned out I didn't have to press that button to send him into the fire. I actually wanted to, but they closed the curtains after the ceremony ended, and I never got to see the casket again. Next time I dropped by, they handed me the urn with my dad's ashes in it. I guess they believe it's too cruel to make loved ones press that button.

No one in my family wants anything to do with that video, but I copied the file onto my laptop, and I'd click through it once in a while. I'm not sure if that's healthy, but I can't help it. It's not like I watch it 24 hours a day. Maybe a skim once every week or two. The video doesn't make me sad, but just kind of empty.

Another confession is, I regret not taking a photo of my dad in his casket. The casket is closed the whole time during that video, so I'll never again get to see him in his final state. I know it'd be so inappropriate to take a picture during a funeral, but I got to spend some time alone with his body in the hospital, so I could've done it then, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

If I had taken a photo, I'd open my phone once in a while to stare longingly at a picture of a dead guy. Not sure if that's messed up. I admit sometimes I open his photos on my laptop, and I touch my screen as if I can somehow remember what it feels like to touch him. A lot of things that might seem cringe worthy, but I can't deny I'm doing them.

I put all the old videos of my dad into a folder as well. When he first died, I watched through all the clips almost right away, yet now, even though I feel like I've recovered, I can't bring myself to click on those videos. Somehow, I can watch that film of him in a casket, but not ones where he's still alive and moving. If I hear his voice again, I'll mistakenly think he's come back to life, and that will just hurt far too much.

I had a dream about my dad recently. It's Chinese New Year, and my relatives came into the house to spend time with us. My dad followed them in when I opened the door. I freaked out, but no one else seemed to notice his presence. He was all smiles and well dressed. Since he spent his final years quite ill, I had not seem him this happy in a long time. When our eyes met, he gave me a winking, "don't tell anyone" sort of look. After that, he didn't look my way again, and he didn't say a word throughout. Instead, he just looked around the house, acting excited, a bit childlike.

I woke up straight after that. The Chinese people believe spirits can communicate with us through dreams. I have no idea if that's real, but the dream brightened my day. Chinese New Year is coming in a few weeks, and our family agreed that when our relatives visit, we will leave the door open for an extra second or two.

Thank you everyone .

[Okarin]

Blessings for you and your family!

Namaste!