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Attending my dad's funeral this afternoon


InvertMouse

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Hi there everyone. A few of you may have heard that my dad has passed away this Monday from cardiac arrest. Never before have I felt so broken. It's like there's a hole in my heart that would never heal again.

But after close to a week, I felt the healing process taking place. I can now smile again, and I no longer break into tears at random. When I reflect, my dad's passing has helped me grow so much in the span of three to five days. It's not at all worth the exchange, but now I hold Mum's hand a lot more, and the whole family is closer from the incident. My mind seems to have pushed all of Dad's flaws aside, so now he's turned into some kind of deity who I can always count on to watch over me. I've never been spiritual, but maybe it's all I have now to keep me sane.

But as the title suggests, my dad's funeral is on this afternoon, and I'm so nervous about it. I haven't seen Dad's face since I left the hospital on Monday, and after the cremation ceremony tomorrow, I'll never get to see him again. Really scared to guess how I'll respond when I see him today. My wounds have at last begun to heal, but the funeral might tear those stitches open again, which is so tough to bear. I feel terrible for worrying about myself at a time like this, but I must own up to what's going through my mind. For now, I'm telling myself that the funeral should be a celebration of my dad's legacy, but once those doors open, my narrative will probably fly out the window.

So yes, if anyone has any advice for me, I'd appreciate that so much. I'm up typing this at 3am because I really can't sleep, so maybe I'm a bit desperate. Of course, I'd be thankful for any good wishes you have for my dad as well. Just a lot of selfishness and confusion on my part.

Thank you so much everyone.

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I'm attending a funeral today as well, but my sense of loss isn't as pronounced as losing a dad. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you noted something very wise in your OP. When we are faced with tremendous loss, the narratives we construct to cope are fragile. I don't know the depth of your mourning, but I've known you for a while and I've seen what a thoughtful person you are and can infer how difficult this must be. The only advice I can offer is to consider a stronger narrative -- that of your dad's life and how he lived it. The type of person he was when you knew him -- quirks and humor and warts and all the rest -- didn't die with him. That's something we give to those around us, and outlives us all.

So what sort of narrative was his life? What would he want you to do this afternoon? Chances are, if you were close to him, he'd want you to let yourself mourn and feel whatever it is you are feeling -- without judgement -- and take things a day at a time. Today doesn't have to be a celebration if it doesn't feel like that to you -- you'll have years and years to grasp and celebrate what he left you.

What this boils down to, I suppose, is that the celebration of your dad's life isn't -- and cannot -- be contained in an afternoon. It's going to crescendo in the years to come. Today? Today is for feeling whatever you end up feeling (even if that's numbness for a time), without judgement, and appreciating the coming-together of friends and family in remembrance of a good man.

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My condolences.

I have not lost such a close relative like you have, but I have attended two somewhat personal funerals. One was my great grandfather's funeral, who was a rather important person to me as a kid, albeit at 80 years of age he barely recognized me and my family anymore. The other was my friend's dad's funeral, who passed away from cancer before he reached 50. Although I knew her dad personally, me and my classmates primarily went to the funeral support my friend and her family who had not been dealing with the whole situation very well, as you can imagine. 

To be at those funerals definitely gave me a feeling I can't quite explain. I'm not saying I wasn't sad or anything, but rather than crying I simply felt like quietly following the ceremony and helping whoever needed a shoulder to lean on. I guess at the time I thought: If I can't change the situation, I can at least support those who are still alive in getting through it. And that's what I and my other friends did. I found that even though we were all sad by what happened, if we at least tried to do something together it would help heal the wounds to a certain extent, and slowly but surely they did heal. Soon enough my friend was rather cheerful again and she even thanked us for all we did. In general, sticking together and offering your relatives/friends a shoulder to cry on, or just inviting them to hang out and things of the sort after such tragic events seemed to help the most with coping (although I'm sure it's not the same for every person, but this is my only experience so).

Of course, in this case you're one of the people who is most affected by it, but if so then all the more reason to stick close to your friends and family, especially during and after the funeral.  I can't tell you how to act during the funeral, because I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, but I can at least say everyone there understands this is not an easy time, and they will respect you no matter how you react, so be at ease with that at least.

More recently my grandfather had a stroke and was taken to the hospital. His right leg and arm aren't at 100% anymore, forcing him to use a cane now. It's the first time I've ever looked at a family member that I'm really close to (my grandfather literally lives above me and we talk everyday) and thought "there's not much time left, is there?" (my father actually talked to me about this as well). I don't know how I'll react when the time comes. Considering all of his close relatives live near me I expect the atmosphere around here to change quite a bit. But I think no matter what happens, I'll at least try and be with my family and help them go through it, and by doing so I'll get through it myself.

I'm not sure how helpful any of what I said is, I just figured I'd share some of the experiences I've been (and am) going through. As generic as it is, the best thing I can probably say to you is to stay strong, and above all else don't seclude yourself or try and conceal how you feel about this. Even making a forum post like you just have is better than shutting yourself in your room. Talk to your friends and family, hang out, and I'm sure if you give it time you will be able to overcome this. Of course, don't take this as me saying "forget your dad", that is absolutely not what you should do! But instead of remembering him for his death, remember him for how he changed your life and the memories you had with him that you most treasure.

I wish you the best.

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I lost my Grandfather on April 9th this year to sepsis from open heart surgery the man who became my father and took me and my siblings in when my parents failed me. Trust me when I say your wounds will not heal until after the funeral. I thought the same as well that I was fine. It was like i was dreaming, until I actually attended the funeral and saw his body. That's when it hit me that I'll never see him again and I started to remember all the memories we had. Don't be afraid to cry at the funeral let it all out, but at the and of the day remember who he was don't let grief destroy your image of him.

 

 I still think about him everyday, but Me and my Grandmother are doing okay. I still tend to avoid Funerals and talks of funerals because they make me dwell on that day.

It does get easier surprisingly, but I'd still give anything to talk to my Father one more time.

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2 hours ago, InvertMouse said:

But as the title suggests, my dad's funeral is on this afternoon, and I'm so nervous about it. I haven't seen Dad's face since I left the hospital on Monday, and after the cremation ceremony tomorrow, I'll never get to see him again. Really scared to guess how I'll respond when I see him today. My wounds have at last begun to heal, but the funeral might tear those stitches open again, which is so tough to bear. I feel terrible for worrying about myself at a time like this, but I must own up to what's going through my mind. For now, I'm telling myself that the funeral should be a celebration of my dad's legacy, but once those doors open, my narrative will probably fly out the window.

Hey Invert. My condolences again :( 

About the funeral, today many people will be saying goodbye to your Dad, yourself included. You needn't worry about whether your wounds will re-open, time will stitch those closed again though it may not feel that way right now. How you respond won't be much of a focus either, because today is just about saying goodbye. And for people close to your Dad to come together and reminisce. To support one another. To share in their grief. This sharing and support can help the people taking part to cope with the grieving. 

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Haven't much to say really, since I had never been through this experience for now.

But what I can do tell you is that although it maybe be taugh and painful, don't give up to the last chance you'll have to say goodbye to him. I don't mean you have to see him untill the last minute before cremation, but be there with his best smiling face in your heart. I think that's the best way to remember someone we loved, and who we'd like people to remember us when we're gone.

I wish you strenght in these hard days!!

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I lost my father to aggressive cancer few years ago. Handling the things before funeral like death certificate, notifying places of his death and getting grave place were actually much more emotionally taxing than the funeral itself. In my dad's case funeral was about one month after death, and I got to see him in church morgue well in advance and had time to accept the idea.  You feel sad now but things will get better over time.

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My deepest condolences.

I've lost my father as well (it will be 7 years since he died on the 15th) and I was just 14 at the time. Prostate cancer withered him for two and a half long years. I was 14, he went to the hospital for a routine check and never came out again and I couldn't even see him during his final 5 days.

We were close, but not much. I never really shared personal moments with my family and so I felt...nothing when my sister woke me up to tell me the following day.  I had no reaction. The house just felt emptier and when I went to the mourning and the funeral, everyone was crying their eyeballs out but me. I just stood there staring at people. My family thought something was wrong but to me, it was nothing (if anything, it sort of felt liberating because now all his games and gadgets were mine and I could buy all the M rated games I wanted). This continued until I was 18 and had just entered university. As these were the worst times in my life, I sought counsel from him and he was not there. I tried to write some letters on my computer addressed to him and then I just broke down. Turns out I actually missed my father a lot and suddenly I had a gaping hole inside me.

It hurt for a few weeks, but then it stopped hurting and I carried on. 3 years later, I still miss him and wonder who he was, what would it be like growing up with him there and having some actual father-son moments and deep conversations (for my whole life, I only ever talked about video games with him). This is getting rather elongated so I'll be brief and I fear a bit cliche. If it hurts, cry and gather strength from your family, face it together. He won't come back and all you can really do is cherish the moments you had, the minutes you spent together and carry those memories with you.  Grieving is natural, and the wounds may open even years after. My mother and sister still cry sometimes because he's not here anymore and that's just a natural part of the process. Nobody should judge anybody because of it, because grief is very personal and just a part of life.

I wish you and your family all the best and great strength for the coming weeks, months and years. You may falter, but that's just part of it and there is no shame to it.

May your father rest in peace.

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I have only been to one funeral in my life and that was at the very least ten years ago when I was quite young, so I don't know how much of my experience will be relevant.

It was for my Great Grandmother who I didn't really particularly knew all that well. My family would only visit her every other time we visited by Grandmother and when we did my sisters and I kinda just sat in a corner with this canister of toys she had, while the grownups sat by her and had a conversation for around an hour. 

During her funeral I had it in my head that I was going to be stoic and be strong for my grandmother and mother that were closer to her than I was, I was a sickeningly good kid back in those days. However, that flew out the window when I actually saw her in the casket. I still don't know exactly why, but I just started sobbing uncontrollably for the entire service. 

I suppose that doesn't really help, but to reinforce your fears, however it is an emotionally taxing experience and I doubt that anyone will hold it against you if you have trouble being there. 

Do you best to keep on, keeping on. 

 

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Hey Mousie, once again I'm really sorry for your loss and offer you my deepest condolences. I haven't attended many funerals and the most hard hitting one and meaningful to me was my grandfather who had helped me a lot through my life as well as taught me quite a lot of things, I wasn't sure how I'd react to it either and it all started hitting me during the service before the burial, he wasn't cremated so seeing him during that truly brought me to the realization of what had happened which until that point hadn't seemed real. Not even when I had seen him in his hospital bed before the cancer took him away from us.

I cannot even begin to imagine how you're feeling after suffering such a tremendous loss, all I can say is for you to take your time to mourn and remember your father and to try to stay strong while time helps you to start coping with it..

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Thank you so much for your thoughts everyone. Sorry fun2novel, I couldn't like your post because apparently I can only like 10 posts a day. You are definitely on my thank you list!

I am back home from the funeral, and while my eyes were watery all the way through, I don't recall shedding tears. That's a lie though, because I can feel the stains on my cheeks even now. It's like I've forgotten bits and pieces of the ceremony. Dad's no longer with us, and only now do I realize how many people he's touched in his life.

Overall, my wounds didn't rip open, so I'm thankful for that. Seeing my dad's face again in that casket for the first time in a week hit me so hard. When he first got rolled in, there was a towel draped over his eyes, and of course one look and you could tell he just came out of the freezer. Just hurts so much to see the man who's held my hand and watched over me for 30 years will never move an inch again.

After grieving and exploring so many thoughts, I somehow feel at peace. If spirits are real, I like to think my dad's is no longer in that body anyway. In fact, his spirit just so happened to have chosen that body to borrow for 73 years. Now that the body's failed him, it's time to leave and continue on. I'm willing to admit this is just wishful thinking for me to stay positive, but my mind wanders in that direction on its own. When I have that perspective, I truly feel ready to celebrate his life rather than drown in a constant state of mourning. It's also taught me to think deeper and not judge people based on looks, because these are just shells for us to use temporarily anyway.

The cremation ceremony's on tomorrow. Maybe everything I said will backfire and I'll need my whole family to hug me. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened this week, but I hope it'll give me closure more than anything else. If I have the option, I'd like to be the one to press that button to send his casket into the flames, and my siblings will be alongside me of course. I'd like this to be the final form of celebration, the last expression of freedom. Dad told us he wanted to be cremated, so I want to have that honor of fulfilling his final wish. I hope he'll be pleased. My dad was one of those guys who's a softy but likes to say men shouldn't cry. I want to show him that bravery.

I had a chance to chat with a lot of older folks this week. They can handle this stuff so much better than I can. These guys say funerals are just a send off, so there's no need to cling onto too much sorrow or regret. If spirits exist, we'll all reunite someday anyway. I do have a lot of guilt and plenty of regrets, but I love Dad and he loved me, so that's all I need to feel at peace.

Thank you so much you guys.

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Late to said this, but my condolence to you there. As for advice, to be honest I couldn't offer much here because I'm only had attended the funeral for my grandparents. But still, back when my grandparents died of course I was quite surprised because there's will be not the same anymore without them. But if you really need some advice I would just suggest to give the prayer to your dad there in order to help his soul in the after life. That's all I could say for now, and hope you could get over that eventually.

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Damn, that's terrible.  I'm really sorry to hear about that.  Losing someone close to you always hits like a truck full of bricks.  I lost my dad to a very aggressive form of cancer when I was 11, and I basically felt like I was in some sort of surreal dream for about a solid day.  It felt so weird for that ever-present pillar of my life to just have suddenly disappeared in the blink of an eye.  Let me know if you need to talk to someone, me and plenty of others are happy to lend an ear and share their own experiences.

I don't know about you, Invert, but I was pretty emotionally numb for quite a while after my dad died, for probably about a solid month, at the very least.  I didn't honestly open up about it for probably close to a year or so, and I still held onto a lot of the feelings about it for quite a while longer.  It's probably too soon to tell how you're dealing with things, but it might be a good idea to either have regular family discussions about how you're all feeling, or to talk to a confidant or a therapist.  I didn't do almost any of that for a while, and it didn't help at all.  In fact, I kind of repressed my feelings because I didn't want to feel them, and all that really did was make them fester into crippling depression.  It's extremely important that you process your feelings and let them out in a healthy way so you don't bottle them up inside.  I'd also recommend watching your physical health.  After my dad died, I came down with a nasty case of pneumonia.  I've heard of similar things happening after a loved one dies, so make sure to take care of yourself.

Also, you're going to want to save all recordings and photos you can possibly find.  As much as it pains me to admit this, I barely remember what my own father's voice sounded like.  You don't want that to happen.

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"Look upon endings as new beginnings." --The Tao of Shinsei.

You are now facing the greatest challenge in anybody's life, the loss of a loved one. There's just no room for consolation -you need to get on your feet yourself and rationalise your experience. Unless things go horribly awry, you'll move on. And possibly, be strengthened by it, as you suggest. Just know that this world is full of possibilities.

Give yourself some time to rebuild. People die, nations are destroyed all the time, tsunamis and catastrophes happen, but we stubborn humans get up again. Every time.

Don't forget that people die so that others may live.

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Thank you so much everyone. I am back from the cremation ceremony, and as I mentioned last night, I really feel at peace. Maybe I'll curl into a ball later and cry at night, but for now, I'm ready to move forward.

A lot of you lost loved ones when you were still kids. I can't imagine how I'd be able to deal with that. For me, I had my dad until I'm past 30, so I'd already call that good fortune. I'm independent, my dad's taught me a lot, and his death has taught me even more. Easily one of the most important person in my life. I don't care about celebrities. Guys like Dad are the ones I love and care about.

My dad wanted a Buddhist style funeral, so we granted him that wish. Hearing so many people chant for him helped me settle my emotions. I still know nothing about spirits, but if the Buddha exists (or whichever God the individual has faith in), then the ceremony exists to say hey, please take this man's spirit back to your side, and whatever happens after that is up to the Gods. When I think of it like that, it's like the Gods have lent me this spirit for 70+ years, and now it's time for him to return to a better place. Maybe wishful thinking, but I can let it all go when I think this way. Perhaps some day I'll end up wherever he is now as well. I guess this is just part of the journey in our circle of life, assuming such a thing is real.

The funeral staff handed us all tissues when it's time for us to say goodbye for the last time, but I didn't end up needing them. There were wet eyes but no tears falling. I feel so determined, so peaceful. My dad knows what dreams I have in life, and now I want him to watch me as I chase after them.

Thank you for all of your thoughts! Happy to hear more :).

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Sorry for the late post. I hardly even lurk here anymore. But InvertMouse, I've known you since I first started posting on this site. So to hear such bad news from you really does make me sad. It seems that you are successfully healing from this loss, and that is good to hear. The sadness this has caused you only means that your Dad was a good father and a person worth missing. Growing up with loving parents is a blessing. And unfortunately, their deaths have to come eventually. I haven't experience a loss of a parent, so I can't share any perspectives for you. All I can do is give you my belated condolences.  

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In the Buddhist view, we get to this Earth in order to learn, heal and grow as people. Also, there are no coincidences, only choices (but maybe I'm making that one up). So, if it helps you, maybe the loss of your father now has some meaning, in order for you to grow more as a person, spiritually and mentally. Anyway, I'm full on the "think what puts you at ease" team.

For example, a friend (though I haven't talked much to her, she's more like an acquaintance) lost her mother last year to cancer. When I last saw my friend, she had lost quite some weight. She had a pretty tolling experience, but note how even good can come from bad: she had a strong determination to help people, to honour her mother she was planning to work as a nurse in order to help people in a similar situation. This is a way (if harsh) to learn some compassion for your fellow people. Now this is a real Buddha's teaching: everything changes, nothing stays the same, and these are very transforming experiences, hopefully to make you a better person.

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I know it man, I lost most my family when my little cousin gave most of my family a drug-resistant strain of influenza, I was lucky so I didn't get it as bad, but about 4 years ago it went dormant so we thought we had won and put our guard down... we were wrong since it was only dormant so it could come back, which it did, it came back and hit us like a boulder falling on an ant, just the disease alone killed my mother, my father and sisters fought it but in the end my dad and 2 of my 3 sisters died in a hospital 2 years ago me and my other sister still live together, mostly because we're too scared leave each other out of fear that the other might be killed leaving the other alone... anyways sending my late condolences 

tuo padre può riposare in pace con l'onore che aveva quando viveva

Edited by Akimoto Masato
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