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This is (not) the end [RL-related post]


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Well, welcome here and, before i start to talk, i just want to appologize, because i'm going to be sellfish and egoist, and i'm not gonna write a funny thread.

What i wanna talk about? many, many things, many things i need to speak out...I'm on the brink of destroying myself, i might try to sound pretencious and all, the reality is...i'm just hiding myself from the reality, the more i lie to myself, the more i destroy myself, and here, i need to spill out everything, i need someone to listen to me, to hear me, i don't ask you to understand, but just...i'm sick of feeling like that, i'm sick of being a pathetic piece of shit.

How to word things out...for a long time, i used to be alone, really alone, mostly because of my extremely irritable and impulsive nature (and by that i mean i was WAY WAY more agressive before, i could even go punch someone in the face for no reason at all) i just wasn't able to control myself, restrain my pulse, and no one, NO ONE even cared about that, my mother was more preocuppied by what happened to my brothers, and my brothers never paid attention to me, thinking they could buy my happiness with gifts, when all i wanted was help, i wanted to be listened, helped, i wanted someone to direct , but no, no one ever paid attention to me, i just had to live the most painful life possible...i would have prefered to be killed, at that moment, because at least, a bullet let you feel things...

And here it is, i had to learn how to live alone, i had to try to learn socialization alone, with no help at all, with people ignoring or deliberately hurting me, i did all my possible, all my fucking possible : i learnt to control my destructive pulses, i learnt to appreciate shit i completely hate, i tried to cultivate myself in EVERY subject possible and ever, because i wanted to have subjects to discuss with people...I did all my possible, to try to build myself with some scrap and duct tape...All i got, is me becoming the biggest, useless, pathetic piece of shit, fucking, annoying pretentious idiot, who just spends his time annoying everyone, here and IRL, i'm sellfish, egoist, i don't care about people, all i care is tha people pay attention to me, but all i do...is annoy them, is being as pathetic as possible, i'm an annoyance to everyone: my parents, my "friends", my mates and of course you, guys, i'm an annoyance, i see no point in living, because i know myself, i'll never change, i'll always be pathetic, pretentious, and stupid...how stupid of me to think that i have friends or people who c for me, all my parents care is that i save the looks, all my "friends" care is to laugh at me, all i do is being an annoyance to everyone...and i don't know what to do anymore, am i overthinking? is my sole solution the kitchen knife that is just next to me? and don't even think i'm the kind of guy who tries thing to attract attention, all it would take, is a single hit to the throat, no medic would be able to save me, and at most, i would finish voiceless, what a great end for a pathetic piece of shit...is there an end for me? is there a solution for me? why do i think like that? why? WHY? WHY?WHY WHY WHY?

I'm not gonna reread my text and correct errors, this is spoken from my heart, if i don't do that, i'll end up doing a mistake...but is it really a mistake, when your whole life is a mistake?

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You need to get laid, son :makina:

Once in a while, a nice gal near you is all you need.

That said, I never felt like you're the kind of pathetic little piece of shit, you're talking about; in fact, even when you banned me off the chat, it made me realize my mistakes and I became a better person afterwards.

:Teeku:

TL&DR

Don't kill yourself. It's easy. In fact, no one ever said life's easy but striving for your own hapiness is what defines it as worth living for.

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We must all accept that we are alone in one way or another. There is no way we can truly accept and understand another human being, we lack their unique perspective and their exact thoughts will always be a mystery. 

I have ended up essentially alone in life myself, yes I do occasionally do stuff with my family, but I have not "hanged out" with anyone that I didn't share a bunch of genes with for quite some time. Does this bother me? It did, but I found the alternative to be infinitely more distasteful. The idea of changing myself to fit in with a crowd of people that does not share my views or things that I enjoy seems like hell and I would think that internally I would just come to resent others much more.

So, I learned to be proud of the weird quiet freak that I am and care not about the opinions of others. I learned to love myself without the requirement of the appreciation of others. 

Am I going to tell you not to kill yourself, well no, I feel like that would be presumptuous and arrogant of me. I don't understand your pain, only you can. I don't know if it will get better. Maybe you mentally and emotionally require the affection of others, for you are an individual and therefore different from me. Maybe people around you will start treating you worse, I can't tell the future.

However, that is not to say that the future is definitely bleak. It is possible that tomorrow will better. It is possible that another could accept you in the future. The world is filled with possibilities and I feel that it is worth sticking around to see some of them.

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Ignore anyone who posts pretentious emo garbage, get off fuwa and go talk to new people. 

Like, now. 

You need some real interaction. 

If your friends are garbage, find new ones. Could be a meetup with some goth kids from facebook, looking up some place where nerds play chess or tabletops or going around playing pokemon go or literally anything else. Just try to meet new people, in real life (and, uh, don't do drugs, ok?) 

Humans are social creatures and most of your problems stem from being lonely and not understood. There are plenty of people like that in your age. Solitude is taking a very heavy toll in your mental state, and you should never, ever allow that to happen. 

Go out, get some sun. Don't kill yourself over this type of thing. 

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Well, speaking for myself right now, I had those same kinds of experiences: the whole "going unnoticed" thing, at the very least.

Well if you permit to go a bit off-topic on what you truly wish to hear, I'll talk about my past experiences with this same issue.

I am the oldest of three brothers, and as the oldest, you're naturally expected of the most while getting the least bit of attention. I also was a lot mellower than my two younger brothers, but by no means a stone-faced individual, but I never got into any trouble nor did I get into anything, essentially. I was quite like an empty slate until I went to elementary school, from where I got more of a "personality", so to say, thanks to my friends I made back then, and, of course, my best friend still to this day. Needless to say, it was a lot better for me.

But, as always, things deteriorate a lot faster than they can recover, so all the lack of attention from those that I needed it from started to take a toll on me and my psyche when I continued farther in elementary school, and I doubt my parents' divorce helped to stop that progress in any case. I gradually became more and more emotionless, until about the 8th grade, where I started to delve much deeper into the world of internet.

It felt pretty good, but it was just some stupid online Flash games to divert my attention from the slowly creeping anxiousness and depression. Quickly after that, I got depression. I was suffering quite a bit, but because of my outer lack of showing emotions, I really only had myself to rely on this issue. That probably was the period of my life. It went on for 9-ish months until I found an online chat site, forum if you may, though it was more akin to IRC. 

From thereon out, I found an outlet for my bottled-up emotions and noticed that even I could help people, and that's probably why my inner, overly nice nature blossomed. Of course, it wasn't all nice, and it hurt me deeper in some ways than real life, but overall, that period had a lot to do with how I got out of my cycle of depression. Because I saw how I can help other people on the internet and be myself there, I slowly gained positiveness in my life and overall demeanor, and so I got out of my depression.

Now that I more or less gained my "normal" life back and broke out of my shell, started to seriously talk with my parents about my problems and in progress became more cheery, I went to other sites; some helped, some made it worse, I found out trolls, I found out how to deal with critique, insults, cheers, all that stuff. One of those ways was sarcasm, which is still one of my greatest ways to process things, and I'm glad I found all of this, the good and the bad. After I got out of primary school, I was already this person who's wall of text you're reading right now, with the same handle.

 

Kuu, you're not alone with these things, and for the time I've been interacting with you, I've respected you, in your faults and strengths. If you feel like exploding, try to find a good outlet for that feeling. try to get help for your seeming depression, don't deal with these issues yourself. Even if we know all this, we're just persons on the other side of the screen, we can't help you directly. Others around you, however, can. You don't have to deal with this alone, and you shouldn't. Some issues with yourself are just bigger than yourself, ironically. Go meet some new people, get to know new things, learn to respect your life more. Live, learn, fall down, rise up again, talk about it to others. Learn to trust others and let others trust you. The life you're living is not yours alone, it encompasses all the relations you're chained to, so even if you feel like offing yourself, think about what would it mean to those around you. Weather this storm, there's always a better tomorrow with a shining sun ahead.

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I have came to a conclusion : me, the cheerful guy, who always valued friendship...i just lived in a whole illusion, a fantasy, there's no friendship in the damned world, people just talk to you because they need something in exchange, they don't care about your feelings, or yes, they tell you that, but the second after, they'll use your feelings against you, that's the reality of the world, no one is your friend, you're, at most, a helpful guy, great, you'll exchange "friendship" for services, the moment you're not useful anymore, you get forgotten, left out on an oblivion, swallowed by a maelstrom of sorrow and regrets, regrets that one day, you called that person a friend, i don't believe anymore in friendship. 

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well Kuu, I don't think you've done any wrong, as far as I know since we met for first time at fuwanovel. you're a fun guy to socialize with, and you introduced me to some new things. you just have to go explore and find more people who can accept you, and if you think we are pretentious in front of you, you're certainly wrong.

we still need you here, especially your jokes, opinions of every matters, and whatever we can talk about. please, love your life more.

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"Loneliness is dangerous, because when you try it, you will realize how peaceful it is, and will no care about anything anymore" Is a thing you could try, but i warned you :makina:

If you are so pretendious, why not pretend to be someone else? Just act differently to your friends, parents, online, or here. Deep inside, i am just an annoying troller, but i have countless number of faces, that i use to not end up like you described.

 

All in all, i am satisfied with myself, and that s only thing you need, you have to be happy with yourself

 

Also, one more useful quote. "Pesimist has a happier life than optimist, because no hopes equal no disappointment"

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Because, heck, i'll sound pretentious, i told you i'm pretentious so anyway, i can't pretend to be someone other, i'm too honest for that, i can't hide myself behind a persona and expect things to go well, i'll try to answer everything, but not now, feel free to try to help me, even if it's really sellfish from my part. 

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1 minute ago, Kurisu-Chan said:

Because, heck, i'll sound pretentious, i told you i'm pretentious so anyway, i can't pretend to be someone other, i'm too honest for that, i can't hide myself behind a persona and expect things to go well, i'll try to answer everything, but not now, feel free to try to help me, even if it's really sellfish from my part. 

There's nothing wrong with being selfish. It's healthy, even.

And really, you are an alright person. Not a great person, but alright.

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17 minutes ago, Kurisu-Chan said:

I have came to a conclusion : me, the cheerful guy, who always valued friendship...i just lived in a whole illusion, a fantasy, there's no friendship in the damned world, people just talk to you because they need something in exchange, they don't care about your feelings, or yes, they tell you that, but the second after, they'll use your feelings against you, that's the reality of the world, no one is your friend, you're, at most, a helpful guy, great, you'll exchange "friendship" for services, the moment you're not useful anymore, you get forgotten, left out on an oblivion, swallowed by a maelstrom of sorrow and regrets, regrets that one day, you called that person a friend, i don't believe anymore in friendship. 

I still agree with what Kaguya said. you're not a bad, selfish person (much) and neither is everyone you'll ever meet IRL (mostly). you'll need to build a lot of trust to understand that, and that's not easy. but it's possible. 

 

9 minutes ago, Kurisu-Chan said:

even if it's really sellfish from my part. 

It's really not. Everyone deserves to be happy

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The only thing I can say is that if you feel troubled, you should go talk to a shrink or something. And I don't mean any offense, just that taking care of your mental health is very important, and should help you dealing with your issues better.

Since I'm not trained in psychology, keep in mind that any advice I can give would be unreliable at best, and actively harmful at worst, and I imagine that would be the same for most posters here. Therefore I won't give you any, except that seeking professional helps is usually the best course of actions in any situation, whether medical-related or not.

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You might find it helpful to consider these common cognitive distortions that lead to depressive thoughts.  Discussion of these is often the basis for cognitive behavioral therapy, which seeks to break the negative reinforcement loop that perpetuates depression.  Focusing on objective assessments of oneself and one's place in the world is one way to mitigate such depressive episodes and regain a more balanced perspective.

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You are nowhere near as bad as you make yourself out to be, overall i consider you a nice guy.

As for friends not existing, I'm gonna leave that one in the middle.
But all relations are relations of giving and taking, who takes more and who gives more are things that change depending on how you value things.
So in some sense friendship does not exist, or maybe it does. It all depends on your outlook.

As far as anger goes, getting mad shows you care, you can only get mad about things you care about.
I personally almost never get angry, because I just don't give a fuck.
And i handle most relations in the same manner, i get along with people quickly but just as quickly forget about them, there are a few exceptions but that goes for most thing with me.
It does mean i have very few people i could call friends if any.

As for killing yourself, I am not gonna tell you not to do it. Because that would be boring.
But will the after life or whatever comes after death if any, really be better?
It might be much worse. I mean just pretend the afterlife exists and you end up with all the people from the middle age, just think about all the things not allowed and the filth.....BRRRrrrr.

And you say your life is miserable, well there is bad and then there is bad. You could also have been a sex slave in the hands of ISIS....
And while i don't know how old you are, if you have a house and a stable job. You have done alright, even on you interpersonal relation. You don't get a decent job without those.

Well im gonna shut up now, as im a terrible talker and even worse at cheering people up.
But hey a miserable attempt it better than no attempt at all....

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Sad to hear.

This may look uncaring, but doesn't everyone go through the same thing at your age? I certainly did. Nobody said growing up is easy.

Seek all the help you need, you really deserve it. I give you an interesting quote: "there's no trip too remote from which you can't come back".

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4 hours ago, sanahtlig said:

Focusing on objective assessments of oneself and one's place in the world is one way to mitigate such depressive episodes and regain a more balanced perspective.

Whenever someone comes to me with those sorts of problems, I always point them towards Mindfulness meditation. Which is different to transcendental meditation.

Mindfulness involves looking inward at your own emotions, and thoughts, and watching them rise and float away. You can also trace those emotions and thoughts back to its origin giving you a greater understanding of yourself and where your feelings come from. This sort of objective understanding tends to help when facing an overwhelming emotional state which at first looks bleak - understanding the cause of this is sometimes helpful when it comes to fixing things.

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2 hours ago, Okarin said:

This may look uncaring, but doesn't everyone go through the same thing at your age? I certainly did. Nobody said growing up is easy.

People's brains don't fully develop until they're about 25 (#guess.) Until that age, people think and make decisions more with their amygdala, because the prefrontal cortex is developed last. In fact, teenagers and young people will find the amygdala is relied on much more than by adults who are fully developed.

The amygdala governs emotions, aggressiveness, and impulses. This is why a lot of time younger people may do things for 'no reason whatsoever'. It's also why younger people are much more emotional than those older.

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I don't know you but i know your words and i know those emotions. They swirl around so much in you that you feel like puking those emotions out till your throat goes raw and you can't puke anymore. I know it may be annoying to hear things like "when i was younger i felt that way too" but try to take it as a lot of us have been there and that you can break out of it too. If you lock yourself in solitude, you're just digging the hole deeper. It's hard, but you need to fight your other self that's putting you down. 

To do that, you may need reinforcements if you can't bear it alone. There's nothing embarrassing about that. Go see a clinical psychologist, if you can't afford it, go to a free clinic or go to a help group. Spill your guts to them, tell them whatever, they're bound by law to keep your secrets. Talk to them and try to listen. You may feel relieved talking to someone not connected to you, the difference from talking about it here is, you may get real help, that which would allow you to move forward. Not just temporary relieve or attention.

No harm in typing a post up and venting your emotions at the point where its to much or to painful to contain yourself at that moment, but you may find yourself wanting something more concrete after, like talking to a professional that can decipher your actual condition. 

Just wake up and go get help. Do it now. In the mean time, if you feel like you're at the edge. Talk to yourself, "if i'm not here, i can't read that book, i can't finish that movie or anime. i can't go bungee jumping, i can see the auroras, i can't make love with a woman i truly love etc". There are many things in life that are removed from chaos. 

When i was younger, whenever i use to feel these things, i use to write. I wrote a lot about it, poems, stories. I have a bag of books just from my younger years. It helped writing about it sometimes. I felt like i was transferring those negative emotions to paper. I would read them later and realize things about myself. To a certain extent, it helped. 

Go outside, jog, sit in a park. Go to a senior citizen center and talk to some people about their lives. Get some sun, go for a hike, breathe some fresh air.

Try to talk to your family, express clearly what's going on with you. No harm trying. If you can't bring yourself to do that, talk to a therapist first, explain your situation and your background and get an unbiased perspective.

I don't know you, but i'll say this. You can break out of this. Some times you can do it alone, if you feel that its too severe and you can't, get help, there's no shame in getting help for yourself. If people around you can't, you need to find outside help. There are options available for you, just do your best to seek those paths out. You just need to want it. You need to want it.

Godspeed.

 

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11 hours ago, Rooke said:

People's brains don't fully develop until they're about 25 (#guess.) Until that age, people think and make decisions more with their amygdala, because the prefrontal cortex is developed last. In fact, teenagers and young people will find the amygdala is relied on much more than by adults who are fully developed.

For me it certainly was that way... at 17 I used to take things a little too much to heart. If the things that mattered to me the most failed, everything shattered. I was indeed a brooding adolescent.

I wanted to be the best, and a reliable person, but it was too much pressure. I was unprepared.

My therapist always noted how I was a whiner and downer (she didn't say it that way, of course, but that was the truth).

Then at 25, things seemed to change... I began to look at things with a brighter mentality, I suddenly experienced warm feelings, and I began to think there was indeed an order and deeper meaning in the Universe.

It's sad all the time that I wasted, but those are my foundations.

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so, current sitrep.

I'm playing games...but...but i feel no fun, nothing at all, most of all, i just feel like wanting to murder myself more and more...i constantly keep blaming myself for past errors, for shit, mistakes, and all, i don't feel anything about me that help me feel better, it's even worse, i don't know what to do, i don't know with who i can talk...

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On 2016-08-29 at 5:11 PM, Kurisu-Chan said:

I have came to a conclusion : me, the cheerful guy, who always valued friendship...i just lived in a whole illusion, a fantasy, there's no friendship in the damned world, people just talk to you because they need something in exchange, they don't care about your feelings, or yes, they tell you that, but the second after, they'll use your feelings against you, that's the reality of the world, no one is your friend, you're, at most, a helpful guy, great, you'll exchange "friendship" for services, the moment you're not useful anymore, you get forgotten, left out on an oblivion, swallowed by a maelstrom of sorrow and regrets, regrets that one day, you called that person a friend, i don't believe anymore in friendship. 

In your case it may be true. But don't label everyone like that. There is good in this forsaken place called Earth. I've had suicidal Internet friends and even though I never knew them in real life I never tried to trick them or gain anything from it. I was that guy who tried to listen to their problems no matter what. I could spend hours listening to someone rambling because if I didn't I knew she would do anything else. Her life was in shambles, nobody cared about her and her feelings were mixed. I just spent hours in Skype listening to her and gave what advice/answers I could. In the end she got a grip of her life and I actually got a thank you a couple of months ago. She had realized and knew what she were and that I helped her through that period of time. 

You know me on Skype or PM me here if you ever wanna talk Kuu. Rant about anything and everything. I'm happy to do anything if it makes you feel better. Even though it may sound weird I care for people I have never met over the Internet and I got some kind of connection to. 

11 hours ago, Kurisu-Chan said:

so, current sitrep.

I'm playing games...but...but i feel no fun, nothing at all, most of all, i just feel like wanting to murder myself more and more...i constantly keep blaming myself for past errors, for shit, mistakes, and all, i don't feel anything about me that help me feel better, it's even worse, i don't know what to do, i don't know with who i can talk...

Playing games and not feeling it is fun is something I feel often. It could be because the game is a hazzle, boring or I grow tired of it. Try to do anything else or play something else. Do you got any hobbies? Try doing some of them. In worst case scenario I just get out and run to clear my thoughts. There is no need to dwell in the past. You can't do anything about past mistakes. Doing wrong is part of learning.

There is nothing wrong with you. There is some kind of problem in your brain, and not in a bad way. There could just be a chemical imbalance because of all things you feel every day. I would suggest you make an appointment with a doctor or a clinic. Suicide is not the solution.

I'm online on Skype if you want to write anything of your chest. Don't be alone with your thoughts. If I could I would call the equivalent of suicide  prevention help in your country. But sadly I can't be more specific than in what country you reside.

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14 hours ago, Kurisu-Chan said:

so, current sitrep.

I'm playing games...but...but i feel no fun, nothing at all, most of all, i just feel like wanting to murder myself more and more...i constantly keep blaming myself for past errors, for shit, mistakes, and all, i don't feel anything about me that help me feel better, it's even worse, i don't know what to do, i don't know with who i can talk...

Playing games will consume your time, but nothing more. It's no surprise you don't enjoy them in your current situation. I know what it is to have large amounts of time in your hands with no prospect whatsoever. It's the worst sensation in the world really.

No 180 degrees change will happen suddenly. You'll have to carve your way out of the gutter with tooth and nail. It will take extended effort (months, years). But for the moment just take it easy. Things will improve as long as you look at them with better eyes, but you're probably not able to, at this point. Rebuilding (a country, a life) takes patience, but we humans excel at it. You can do it.

If you don't enjoy your time here at Fuwa, it's best you don't log in. In your situation avoid any conflict. You can still talk with people you trust via multiple ways. Just say the word.

I think that the first step would be to let it all out talking with someone that will listen to you. You need to become free and unbound, and the first step is opening up your heart. Maybe the people you talk to won't be your best friends at any point, but right now you need them and like I said before you deserve the help (anyone does). Shit happens, what matters is the way we deal with disaster.

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