Fiddle Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 TODAY WE CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF THE GREATEST GODDAMN NATION EVER BIRTHED Y'ALL For those of you unfamiliar with the country, let me give you a brief summary of the US of A. America is located here: As America has the greatest GDP (both quantitatively and qualitatively) in the world, we trade a lot of things. Our largest export is freedom. In exchange for this 24-carat unadulterated gluten-free freedom, other countries shower us gratefully with oil. Landmarks of America's culture include the apple pie, baseball, cheeseburgers, and Irish people. The official symbol of America is the bald eagle. America was founded in 1776 when Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, in which we said "GO TO HELL" to George III of England, to which George replied "i don't have any power anymore you should talk to the prime minister also we're called great britain now because scotland lost all their money when they tried to colonize panama for some reason," to which we replied, "WE WON'T STAND FOR YOUR MONARCHIC TYRANNICALITY ENGLAND." So we fought a bloody war and stripped ourselves of the colonial despotism of England, but then we were like "alright we still need to trade with you and stuff so we're cool now." However, the only form of unity we had back then was the Articles of Federation which kind of sucked, so we wrote the Constitution and subsequently freedomed all over the place. The first 10 amendments to the Constitution comprise the Bill of Rights. Many argue that the First Amendment is first because it makes us the most freedomy. I draw from this the corollary that the amendments are ranked in order of freedominess. For example, the Thirteenth Amendment, which bans slavery, comes after the Second Amendment, which guarantees us the guns that exemplify our liberty. With that all established, we then kept moving to the West while sort of pushing away some guys who already lived there, but we let them have tax-free casinos now so it's all cool. Oh, and when the founding fathers were countryfying the country, they were all like, "Should we ban slavery?" and someone else was like, "Ehhhhh, that'd cause a lot of problems. I'm sure they'll come up with a solution to that later on." So then we had the Civil War and everything was solved! All thanks to a guy named Abraham Lincoln, who proclamated the Emancipation Proclamation which banned the shizzle out of slavery. Well, sort of. That's a story for another day. Then we had a big Industrial Revolution where we prospered but remained pretty isolationist. However, we still wanted our good friend Japan on the other side of the world to be less isolationist, so we sent Matthew Perry over to talk about opening up their borders, and also sent a giant indestructible navy with him because I guess he was a pretty self-conscious person. Later on, a bunch of European guys were fighting over who's better at faking soccer injuries or whatever, so after they all beat themselves up we went in and finished it all. And then President Woodrow Wilson was like, "Okay, you guys gotta stop this war shizzle," so he created super awesome peace-keeping international unity freedom organization The League of Nations and invited everybody. And then we decided not to join it. “I can predict with absolute certainty that within another generation there will be another world war if the nations of the world do not concert the method by which to prevent it.” So after a while the Europeans had another world war over whose bicycle was the coolest or something, and this time we got pretty involved. President Franklin D. socialist-lite Roosevelt brought us through the war against the freedom-hating Nazis and the Chinese-people-hating Japanese people. But he died before it ended so President Harry S my-middle-name-is-literally-"S" Truman saw it through to the end by dropping an atomic bomb on Japan and then told them to make us TVs and stuff. And then we saw that our former friends Homie Joe Stalin and Mao Zedope weren't cool and they were all like, "Yeah, well you're not our comrade anymore," and we eventually got into a war in Korea and Vietnam and lots of other Ching Chong Chang lands, but then the USSR died of bad economy syndrome and China decided they could instead go to war with us by giving us lots of plastic products and stuff. And that's a history of the United America of America. There were also some other significant people and events in America's history that you'll need to talk to a history man about because I'm busy. And with that, Happy America Day! Go spread the greatness of this nation to all your friends so that they will aspire to someday be America! (I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS 10 MINUTES TOO SOON I'M SORRY AMERICA) Polycentric, AaronIsCrunchy, solidbatman and 14 others 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mugi Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 tfw you thought it was just called The Fourth of July and thought Independence Day was a completely separate occasion #realamurrican Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
solidbatman Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 I've never felt more free in my entire life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SenpaiFingers Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 I'm not from USA but we are all hoping that you guys will make America great again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fred the Barber Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 I was going to call you out for posting this before the actual day, but then you mentioned it and owned your own mistake. How un-American of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OriginalRen Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Just this once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nosebleed Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Now all that's left is to build a big beautiful wall (that Mexico will pay for). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklord Rooke Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 30 minutes ago, Fred the Barber said: I was going to call you out for posting this before the actual day, but then you mentioned it and owned your own mistake. How un-American of you. When this was posted it was the 4th in all the Commonwealth countries. I'm thinking Fiddle secretly lives in one of them :3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fiddle Posted July 4, 2016 Author Share Posted July 4, 2016 1 minute ago, Rooke said: When this was posted it was the 4th in all the Commonwealth countries. I'm thinking Fiddle secretly lives in one of them :3 NOT SINCE 1776 Suzu Fanatic, Zalor, Darklord Rooke and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronIsCrunchy Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Happy Britain-Got-Smaller Day! On a side note, this was fucking hilarious, and yet I feel so informed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Polycentric Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 We won't need US History courses anymore with this 100% accurate post. Zalor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GetterEmperor Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Obligatory AMERICA FUCK YEAH. Spoiler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valmore Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 42 minutes ago, Polycentric said: We won't need US History courses anymore with this 100% accurate post. Incomplete. No mention of the most awesomest of the founding fathers. So damn awesome, Puffy wrote a gawddamn song about him and got his mug on the hunnerd dollar bill. Fucking invented electricity with a kite and a mouse. Got mad bitches in England, France and 'MURICA. Ben Muthafuckin' Franklin, yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eclipsed Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 My mum's just annoyed at all the exploding colorful meteorites going off in the sky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dergonu Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 アメリカッテナニ？タベモノデスカ？ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darklord Rooke Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 15 minutes ago, Dergonu said: アメリカッテナニ？タベモノデスカ？ I agree, hippos would look more non-threatening if coloured purple. That's a very cogent point Dergonu and AaronIsCrunchy 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deep Blue Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caio000 Posted July 4, 2016 Share Posted July 4, 2016 Happy Treason Day. 8 hours ago, Dergonu said: アメリカッテナニ？タベモノデスカ？ 食べるな！糞だ。 Dergonu 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valmore Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 7 hours ago, Deep Blue said: Wait a second... not that I mind owning Japan, but you can mess with Michael Bay all you want. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TexasDice Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 13 hours ago, Deep Blue said: Then how the bloody hell are we supposed to leave? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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