I Want To Write A Book........

[TheDeadApostle]

And I need you guys to help me judge the first chapter .

Now hold on a second .Before you see this as a pain in the ass to do and skip it for something more fun ,I'm begging you here .I'm not asking for any comprehensive summary of how you found it .If i can't get your attention in the first few paragraphs then that's my fault .If you do read it to the end just tell me what you like/dislike most .

Now without further ado......

Oh the name of the book is :The Modern Day Legend Of Gideon .

 

 

Chapter 1 – The Guy In Black

 

Thank God for books.

 

If there were no books, there would be no bookshelves and if there were no bookshelves, Evangeline would probably be injured or worse, just like the currently out of action idiot who sat next to her.

 

Perhaps that line of thought by Eva could be seen as unusual considering the fact that the situation was a dangerous one. Normal people after all, generally don’t think of such things when in matters of life and death.

 

Then again, ‘normal’ was not a term that could accurately describe her and her partner.

 

Two young redheads were at the moment hiding behind a bookshelf at the far back of the deserted Grand Capitol Library. Evangeline, an 18 year old girl with her hair in a ponytail and Erik, a teenager of around the same age clutching his injured left arm. Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second. An injured Teleporter and a conventional female sorcerer with magic unsuited for the opponents and surroundings were up against 5 ruthless combat-oriented homunculi. Calling it a bad matchup was an understatement.

 

The large town library had over 3 dozen bookshelves set behind the reading furniture which was put just after the entrance. The numerous hiding spots created by the arrangement were the only thing that kept the duo safe from their unintelligent aggressors and so at the moment they could give their thanks to Dr. Seuss.

 

The once organized, albeit abandoned book haven could literally be seen as a shadow of its former self as the scant electric supply was not enough to power anything but the lights to a dim glow. With the formerly smooth brown walls now randomly decorated with small to large cracks and the furniture turned over or smashed to splinters, anyone entering would currently wonder if a small war had taken place recently. Of course the two young sorcerers currently hiding in the children’s section knew otherwise. Their former prey had turned the tables on them .Effectively becoming their predators.

 

The five pale, bald beings that roamed around the place leaving destruction in their wake had lost their targets for the 37^th time so far. Their thick 7 foot tall frames, clothed in dark grey leather jackets and jeans were frightfully effective when it came to wreaking havoc. Against such frightening opponents few skilled sorcerers would survive a direct encounter. Fewer still under the class of apprentice.

 

The first saving grace of the cousins was that the homunculi were not the smartest. Common sense dictates that when searching for an obviously weaker opponent with superior numbers, branching out is the most sensible tactic but the homunculi could not reason this out. Their search was also slower than it could be because they walked instead of ran. Perhaps due to their imperfect programming they could not arrive at these conclusions. In any case, it was to Eva and her cousin’s benefit.

 

The Caucasian female coughed quietly. The light dust which had gathered on the shelves occasionally rose into her nose causing her irritation. Though the library had been abandoned for a few months many books remained as there wasn’t enough space in the newer one recently built in the city.

 

Her sharp mind which had been racing for the past few minutes still had no solution to their dilemma and the situation was getting worse by the minute. Erik would probably only be able to shunt a few more times since this game of cat and mouse had been going on for about an hour. Outrunning the monsters was physically impossible and so the only option they had left was to hide and then teleport as soon as they were found. The extremely sharp hearing of the homunculi meant that trying to creep around would be unwise especially since Erik’s footsteps would be heavy due to fatigue. Once Erik reached his limit, which should be coming soon, they’d probably be stranded and have only the option of waiting to die. Calling Evangeline’s current emotional state ‘troubled’ would not do it justice.

 

“Oi, Eva.”

 

Her thoughts were interrupted by the weak voice of the young man next to her.

 

Erik Bancroft grunted, “I can’t keep this up much longer. A few more shunts -no, maybe even as little as three more and I’m out. We needed a plan before but we need one even more now. I’d rather we didn’t die here. ”

 

Of course, while good at complaining the fellow wasn’t very good at actually arriving at solutions in these kind of situations. Strategy wasn’t his strong point. Just as Eva had guessed however they were soon going to be in serious trouble though, that would be saying that their current situation could be counted as good in the first place.

 

Erik was dressed in an outfit similar to Eva’s .Both wore gray overcoats over white shirts and black jeans to match. Shoe-wise Eva wore grey slip-ons while Erik wore his preferred Nike high-tops. For the most part, it was the standard uniform of Les Sorciers.

 

Amongst the already few sorcerers, fewer still possess innate abilities from birth and as such are capable of performing magic ordinary ones could only hope to mimic. Erik’s innate teleportation magic was one of these irregularities. While powerful in its own right it left the 18 year old unable to master any other form without extreme difficulty and even then came with restrictions that atimes left him unable to teleport to his desired location without earlier preparation.  Ordinarily teleporting out of the library and to the outside surroundings would work but this time they were hindered from picking that option by an external factor.

 

Numerous escape scenarios went through Eva’s mind. Using distractions, trying to take them down one at a time, her mind ran through all possibilities. None of her plans were practical and neither did they guarantee a fair amount of safety considering the risks involved in execution. The information received from their superior was wrong in the first place and so making optimistic assumptions would be suicidal.

 

Perhaps some higher supernatural being took pity on them, because at that moment Eva stumbled upon a possible method to solve their current dilemma.

 

The homunculi, prior to she and Erik’s arrival, had knocked down a mop bucket filled with water during their random destructive spree.

 

Water.

 

Water meant that Eva could use her most effective magic. It meant that there was a way out of the crappy situation. As her magic took hold of it she recalled all that had occurred that day.

 

The job was originally meant to be of fair difficulty. Only two objectives were given. The first being to capture a rogue alchemist going by the name of Xavier Truman and the second requiring the destruction of his creations.

 

Evangeline and Erik Bancroft could generally be called unbalanced magic users. They had definite advantages that could be seen as astounding for their ages yet in other areas they failed harder than average sorcerers. Regardless of this however, it was still to be a simple job.

 

They took the black 2005 Chevrolet they owned. Arriving at the library at 9pm they had no worry of regular humans as its convenient location on the outskirts of town and away from residential areas meant that it wasn’t a bad spot to cause a ruckus in. Eva had brought out her weapon, a grey gun modified, or rather created to shoot small needles charged with electricity supplied by her magic. Unlike a normal one it weighed far less and the fact that its ammo capacity was far greater than that of an actual pistol was one of its definite advantages. Normally she’d adjust its output to put less pain on the target but today however she hadn’t felt very nice. An illogical part of her wondered if the problem they faced was caused by karma getting back at her.

 

The aged alchemist known as Xavier Truman was wanted by their employers, Les Sorciers, for crimes against its members. It was one of the rare instances where they showed that even they could care. Generally sorcerers were apathetic when it came to the wellbeing of others, regular human beings and sorcerers alike. Using people as sacrifices, test subjects and the like was not exactly a crime. The creation of homunculi was in fact done using humans as research subjects in the first place. For such a ruthless organization they had few basic rules.

 

As long as none of the members of the association were harmed by others.

 

As long as no idiot sorcerer tried to reveal magic to the world.

 

And as long as no organization with potential to be greater than then was formed, they didn’t give a damn what happened. Eva and Erik’s job was to capture this idiot of the first kind and destroy his 3^rd rate, incomplete creations.

 

3^rd rate. Incomplete.

 

Yeah right. These opponents were nothing like that. Although mentally lacking, these were of the highest class when judged physically and not the harmless kind described to them by the association. Their physical capabilities allowed them to crush human skulls with a hand, their speed made them impossible to outrun, add that to the various martial arts programmed into them and it only took 11 minutes for the reasonably confident Erik and Eva to realize that they had no chance of beating the monsters.

 

In the first minute they realized that the primary target, Truman wasn’t present. The library was already significantly thrashed for an unknown reason and the homunculi looked reasonably stronger than they expected. The idea of retreat didn’t cross their minds though.

 

In the third minute they managed to incapacitate one of the originally six homunculi near the entrance with two shots from Eva. That fluke had them thinking the job would still be doable. Had the homunculi been registered to attack all visitors from the beginning instead of whoever attacked them, the duo would have suffered even more than they actually did.

 

In the fifth minute the homunculi showed their true strength. One of them disarmed Eva and crushed her weapon. Closing the 10 meter gap between them in a couple of seconds it would have crushed her throat as well had Erik not shunted her a few feet back. Realizing their error in judgment, retreat was the only sensible option left. Unfortunately, as though it was set in advance, another sorcerer’s magic was set up around the library to interfere with any magic targeted at the outer surroundings. Effectively trapping them in with no other means of escape apart from the heavy wooden front doors.

 

In the seventh minute after lots of shunting while still trying out methods to defeat them, one of the homunculi’s huge fists connected with Erik’s left arm cleanly splitting the bone in it. A direct punch from it again cracked 3 of his left ribs and would have at worst, killed him had he not teleported before it fully sank in.

 

The eleventh minute had them officially begin hide and seek against their foes as they finally accepted that couldn’t beat them.

 

And like that Erik and Eva were forced into a dangerous game. Simply teleporting to the door and running would have been an easy option if the homunculus they had taken down at first wasn’t situated there. Apparently the charge in the bullet she shot it with was only adequate to shut down its limbic functions. It could still alert the others via the basic telepathic link they all shared. If Erik and Eva were to appear in front of it its partners would arrive as a group in mere seconds with their enhanced speed and take them down with utter ruthlessness.

 

Water.

 

Eva’s talent lay with manipulating electricity. In other aspects of magic she was downright average but in this one area she was at a level that could be regarded as superb. The main problem with using this form of magic for offense was simply that conductors of electricity weren’t exactly all around her. Air is naturally a horrible conductor and so throwing bolts at them was impossible without huge output, not to mention that her already scanty magic power would be severely reduced afterwards. The water that spilled was her and Erik’s lifeline.

 

Simple telekinesis magic was within range of her repertoire. Executing several simple spells she managed to gain control of the liquid. Pulling it towards herself afterwards, she infused it with a reasonably large charge suitable for crippling the non-humans. Eva sent the magically charged water towards her first target, the homunculi at the edge of the group of five which was currently walking towards their end.  Taking it around bookshelves and  flowing to the feet of one of the approaching homunculi. Creeping up its heavy black boots into its trousers and…….

 

The result was fantastic.

 

Homunculus number one seized up immediately and convulsed as it fell heavily onto the floor. Its unexpected defeat made the remaining four go defensive. Their intelligence while poor could at least conclude that they were under attack, even though no enemy was sighted.

 

“Yes!” celebrated Eva a bit too loudly.

 

The slightly above whisper statement was enough to give the homunculi who were halfway across the library knowledge of their location. Sure enough they appeared at the point in mere seconds. To their disappointment, if they could feel such, all that met their eyes were books on the cat with the hat. The deadly game continued as Erik had teleported himself and Eva to another location once again. The same way he had done 37 times prior.

 

“Could you shut up next time?” He complained bitterly but quietly. There wasn’t much chance of them hearing him from the other side of the building. “This isn’t easy you know.”

 

 “My bad, my bad…..” Eva said in a slightly loud whisper “Didn’t think it’d work so well.” She beamed.

 

“Ah well, just don’t do it again. I suppose we have a way out?” Broken arms were more than just painful. With his occasional lapses in concentration he relied on Eva to alert him whenever the non-humans came close. He could however still detect the faint magic Eva used, even though he couldn’t tell what it was.

 

“Yup.” She said smiling.

 

“Good because next time is probably the last one. I feel like I might lose consciousness at any moment. ”

 

And like that Eva was shaken from her brief euphoria.

 

Four to go.

 

The same technique was used again. Once more she sent it around bookshelves so as to keep it out of their sight and once more a homunculus fell, reducing the number to 3. The situation was finally turning around and while hope wasn’t exactly shining brightly in their faces, there was at least the possibility of survival. If she could take down one more before teleporting with Erik again, then quickly finishing the remainder and rushing Erik to the hospital for treatment would be possible. Unlike humans whose nerves can recover completely from electric shocks after a few minutes, most homunculi have their limbic nervous system ruined due to their imperfect makeup, as such; there was no need to worry about time for the others to recover.

 

And then Erik coughed. Loudly.

 

On a normal day while the library was still in use, due to the slight hum of air conditioners and the sound of people walking through the pathways such a slight sound wouldn’t be heard. To an inhuman enemy with enhanced hearing in the dead of night however it was loud enough.

 

Once more the homunculi rushed to their location and once more they found nothing. The difference between this time and the previous ones was that this would be the last. They resumed their unintelligent search and in a few minutes they’d find their prey once again.

 

For a moment there was nothing said between the two cousins.

 

“I know that it’s probably useless to say it, but I’m sorry.” Erik wore a regretful expression. “That was probably the last chance we had but I messed it up.” Erik Bancroft wasn’t very good at apologizing to strangers. Much less towards those that he knew. Evangeline could tell that he was truly apologetic but that didn’t really help the situation.

 

 “Stop apologizing, it doesn’t seem like you.” Eva continued in a low voice “It can’t be helped anymore. I have to speed things up.”

 

That was easier said than done considering that pulling the trick thrice before the homunculi crossed to the end of the 200 meter hall was an unbelievable stretch considering her abilities. Though the magic she used was of only average difficulty, her low reserves of magic power made creating a suitable charge difficult.

 

“One more.” She whispered to Erik. “Can you teleport once more?”

 

He shook his head “I can’t take us anywhere again. I’m too drained so the magic will fail. Right now it’s difficult to even concentrate.” To the calculating group known as sorcerers, logic could be the cruelest of things to hear atimes.

 

“Just you.” Eva stated simply.

 

“Self-sacrifice?” Erik answered after a 10 second long silence “I’m not going to abandon my only cousin. Come up with a new pla-”

 

“No no no you have it wrong.” She lowered her voice since the homunculi were getting closer “If we suddenly separate we might be able to confuse them for a split second.” She continued “All at once without any distractions and I’ll die so fast it won’t be funny. But if you appear at the other end as soon as they gang up on me then we might startle them enough for me to stun two. Catch my drift?”

 

“And the third?” Erik asked. Even if that could solve the situation it didn’t change the fact that three homunculi currently existed and not two.

 

“Already taken care of.” As she smiled Erik heard a thump as one of the remaining homunculi landed on the floor electrocuted. Her water trick had done it again.

 

The future actually looked rosy now.

 

“You’re crazy you know?” He smiled.

 

“Yeah I am. So are we doing this?”

 

Erik nodded.

 

“Okay then, they’ll be here soon. I’ll jump out while you teleport to the other side and come out as soon as I shout. Make some noise when you do so they actually notice. I don’t really feel like dying today.”

 

“Sure.” And like that Erik was gone without a sound. Teleportation could be practically noiseless if the user wanted it to be.

 

Within a minute the homunculi would arrive. Gathering up the last dregs of her magic she set about preparing a spell to defeat the two. Constructing the spell for channeling electricity towards her palms without frying her nerves was simple for her due to her talent in the area though it might have been a different case for others. Watching the large clock she could see on her left Evangeline counted down until the moment she jumped out.

 

10 seconds till then. She was sure that Erik was watching from the other side and waiting for his cue.

 

8 seconds. She suddenly felt a bit more scared than she was before. Actually she was downright terrified. What if they were faster than she assumed? What if the charge wasn’t powerful enough?

 

5 seconds. No, even if they were faster touching both of them even if a few bones were broken before they could finish her off was enough. The current charge was in fact using all her remaining magic energy. If it didn’t work then there was never any hope. In any case the charge she had bound to the water previously wasn’t much higher.

 

3 seconds. Their footsteps were even heavier and more irregular than before. Were they running here? No it was impossible. Nothing had changed. It was probably her fear trying to talk her out of it. She could even hear slight thumps.

 

1 second. She was a solid atheist but she prayed.

 

Jumping out of her hiding spot with utter abandonment she stretched out her charged hands which caused the air to crackle. Her palms flew straight out in fear, determination and focus with the aim of incapacitating the two targets. It was a perfect surprise attack, one not even the reflexes of the artificial humans would react to.

 

So of course, the fact that her palms didn’t connect with anything at all was a huge surprise.

 

The homunculi were gone.

 

“Wha-” before she could recover from her confusion a palm on her back pushed her with enough force to send her flying several meters and hitting a bookshelf. She dropped to her knees after impact.

 

They got behind me!?

 

How? When? Why?

 

They shouldn’t have done anything unusual. Their programming was incomplete and so coming up with a plan was impossible for them. What did she overlook? What could she possibly have assumed wrongly? The arrangement of the bookshelves? Their pace perhaps? Eva painfully adjusted her posture to properly face the homunculus that had pushed her. Her back felt numb but nothing was broken.

 

Half in stupor and half in resignation to her apparent fate she could only ask……

 

“Why?”

 

The answer to that was the guy in black.

 

Fit jeans, combat boots, a plain shirt and an overcoat, all were in a black that was as deep as his hair.

 

Another one?

 

No, he was human. For one thing he had hair. For another the trademark pale skin of the homunculi didn’t match his slight tan.

 

But how could he have pushed her so far? Magic? She indeed felt a bit of it coming from him. Then again, she felt a bit from the homunculi as well.

 

What exactly was he? A sorcerer should have other means of handling the situation. In the first place why did she even assume that he was on her side?

 

“What the hell went wrong?” It was Erik running, or rather stumbling towards her clutching his broken arm. Even after a while he didn’t hear a sound from Anna. On the contrary he heard dull thumps.

 

He tried to lift her up. Supporting her with only his right arm was more difficult than he thought. Looking at her he realized that the reason she was so heavy was because she wasn’t even trying to stand. Her eyes were fixed on something in front of her.

 

Perhaps due to his initial panic Erik forgot about the noise that started during his run to Eva. Crashes and thumps were drowned out by the loud beating of his heart and fear clouded his reasoning. For a reasonably injured individual he could be praised for not arriving later than he did. The moment he turned towards what she was looking at however, he was equally as shocked.

 

The guy in black was taking on the two homunculi by himself.

 

Artificial humans are built according to various standards. Some act as servants for sorcerers, some act as body guards and some are used in experiments as substitutes for human beings. In any case, most homunculi possess basic strength that no human can hope to match with training. All the exercise in the world can’t overcome that wall. No amount of talent can allow a human being to see through and continuously dodge the attacks of a being primed for combat.

 

But the fellow before them was taking on two.

 

Their attacks, neat and synchronized yet so quick that Erik and Eva couldn’t make out all of them were being perfectly parried and dodged by the person in front of them. The strength of his punches and chops was enough to faze even the toughened bodied of his opponents. He had no set style. Rather it was as though he used more than one. His stances when seen by the duo were flexible. Western and eastern martial arts blending into one lethal form. Moves so calculated that it was as though he could see the future. Ordinary practitioners would have trouble mixing such varied moves but he clearly wasn’t an ordinary one. The male not much older or younger than them was entrancing. As though he was an untouchable being none of the homunculi’s blows landed.

 

 “Hey, let’s go.” Erik had broken out of the trance he too was momentarily trapped in. Opportunism was one of his proud fortes.

 

Eva nodded her head. Their savior, if he could be called that, had drawn the attention of the homunculi to himself. Escaping now while they were off their backs would be the best choice. Leaning on each other as both were too weak to stand properly the two made their way out of the library they almost died in as the sound of clashes between the homunculi and the stranger inside dimmed.

 

The air outside was cool though it was summer. The Chevrolet was parked around five blocks away from the library. Old, deserted buildings surrounded it and the place could be said to be a sort of ghost town. Over the years people had moved out of this area and into the main city close by. The library was one of the last facilities to have its contents transferred into the new one in the Madison, Wisconsin.

 

“I think we cut it really close this time.” Erik said breaking the silence after they walked into the car park. A slight smile formed on his face as he said so.

 

“Yeah well, I guess it was our lucky day. From now on whenever we see something weird on the job we’re turning back. No pushing on because we have nothing better to do.” She straightened up her shoulders “By the way you’re driving.”

 

“With a broken arm? You can’t be serious. I teleported us all around that place almost every two minutes. You barely did any work.”

 

“Ugh. Fine then I’ll dri-”

 

Eva stopped talking. Erik also froze. It’s a known proverb that one shouldn’t count their chickens before they hatch but they could be forgiven for their shock given the situation.

 

Murderer of 3 sorcerers belonging to the sorcerers’ association, Xavier Truman was standing less than ten meters in front of them in a checkered grey shirt and brown shorts. Bald just like his creations but with the slightly stooping frame of the old man that he was, the alchemist was here to finish the job his homunculi couldn’t.

 

“You escaped.” His croaky voice came out in a surprised tone “Not bad at all. Apprentices these days are a lot tougher than I thought.”

 

“I’d avoid troubling you youngsters you see, but I can’t exactly have you telling Les Sorciers about my slightly tuned-up children.” His words were coated with murderous intent and reaching into his pocket he pulled out a metallic rod.

 

“Any last words?” he asked. He wasn’t one to talk much to those he was about to kill, but he wasn’t one to avoid basic courtesy either.

 

The two were silent. After finally escaping the death game a few moments ago they were going to die at the hands of their target. Had it been prior to their entrance into the library they would easily have put down the elderly man. Right now they were too exhausted to fight back or even run away. Magic wouldn’t come to them no matter how hard they wished for it.

 

It was like a bad joke. There were no words for those.

 

“Very well then, I’ll make it quick.” The tip of the metallic rod glowed with red light. It was like something out of a Harry Potter novel. In a moment, beams would pass through a part of their bodies, presumably their hearts, and kill them.

 

The beam never came though because the old man’s lower jaw was dislocated with a high speed punch from the guy in black.

 

Truman instantly collapsed with the beautifully executed K.O and fell to the floor limp. Erik and Eva looked at the person in front of them. Twice their savior now, he was unlikely to be an enemy. Not that if he was they’d be able to put up any resistance.

 

The guy in black took a deep breath in and let it out.

 

“Thank goodness he wasn’t much trouble. Those things in the library really took a lot out of me.” He panted heavily.

 

Turning his attention from the collapsed alchemist on the floor he faced the two young sorcerers who stood speechless.

 

“You should really learn to at least thank people when they help you. You’ll look rude when you run without saying anything.”

 

The stranger didn’t receive any reply from the two shocked teens.

 

“You know? ‘Thank you’. You could at least say that before you leave.”

 

Even with that neither Eva nor Erik said a word.

 

The stranger clad in black sighed once more.

 

“I’m Gideon. And you are?”

 

 

I've also posted it on scribd so here you go https://www.scribd.com/document/330163020/The-Modern-Day-Legend-of-Gideon-6 .It goes all the way to chapter 6.

[AaronIsCrunchy]

There were a few issues with sentence structure and I guess a few slightly corny moments (I have issues with the 'not exactly normal/you're crazy-yup' clichés but that's more of a personal grind than a real problem), but I actually had more fun than I expected I would reading this. You managed to pull off jumping between the present and the set-up pretty well, the action is enjoyable and some of the mechanisms you used were fantastic (I particularly liked the time counting up/down paragraphs. I'd be wary of overusing them, but the two worked together in this instance well).

In short, go for it! I'm pretty sure the neat thing about writing is you only improve the more you do. I look forward to seeing more should you write it

[Dergonu]

It's pretty unique, very entertaining. I like it. You write rather well, though like Aaron mentioned, there are some small mistakes/ issues here and tere, but that's something you can work on. (And emphasis on small.)

It's a good start, and like I said, it was a very entertaining read. Good job!

[Shikomizue]

This was really good, there were very few grammatical errors and the writing is great. The only thing I disliked was the placement of the description of the main characters' clothes, it felt a little out of place (and that's not really important).

I hope to see more from you, if you post anything else you can be sure I'll read it.

[Velociraptor]

"Two young redheads were at the moment hiding behind a bookshelf at the far back of the deserted Grand Capitol Library. Evangeline, an 18 year old girl with her hair in a ponytail and Erik, a teenager of around the same age clutching his injured left arm. Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second. An injured Teleporter and a conventional female sorcerer with magic unsuited for the opponents and surroundings were up against 5 ruthless combat-oriented homunculi. Calling it a bad matchup was an understatement."

What is this, even? In the course of a single paragraph you've managed to go from "Two young redheads", to "Grand Capitol Library", to two hastily given introductions, and then to "Teleporter" to "conventional female sorcerer" to "combat-oriented homunculi" without explaining what any of those things actually mean.

Is "18-year old girl with a ponytail" or "an injured teenager of around the same age" adequate as an introduction?

I can presume that a "Teleporter" teleports things, but why is it capitalized, and how does it actually work? Does simply using teleportation magic (I'm assuming it's magic) make one a Teleporter, or are Teleporters a special class of magic user?

"Conventional female sorcerer with magic unsuited for the opponents and surroundings" is just a mess. What makes her conventional? Why is it important that she is female? Why not "sorceress"? How is her magic unsuited for the homunculi or the library? Have you not heard of the concept of "show, don't tell"?

How are the homunculi ruthless? How are they combat-oriented? Are they combat models, or merely better at combat than the average homunculi? Do they have the emotional capacity for ruthlessness?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are off to a very bad start. You are putting too much information and too little detail into your exposition.

[TheDeadApostle]

44 minutes ago, Velociraptor said:

"Two young redheads were at the moment hiding behind a bookshelf at the far back of the deserted Grand Capitol Library. Evangeline, an 18 year old girl with her hair in a ponytail and Erik, a teenager of around the same age clutching his injured left arm. Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second. An injured Teleporter and a conventional female sorcerer with magic unsuited for the opponents and surroundings were up against 5 ruthless combat-oriented homunculi. Calling it a bad matchup was an understatement."

What is this, even? In the course of a single paragraph you've managed to go from "Two young redheads", to "Grand Capitol Library", to two hastily given introductions, and then to "Teleporter" to "conventional female sorcerer" to "combat-oriented homunculi" without explaining what any of those things actually mean.

Is "18-year old girl with a ponytail" or "an injured teenager of around the same age" adequate as an introduction?

I can presume that a "Teleporter" teleports things, but why is it capitalized, and how does it actually work? Does simply using teleportation magic (I'm assuming it's magic) make one a Teleporter, or are Teleporters a special class of magic user?

"Conventional female sorcerer with magic unsuited for the opponents and surroundings" is just a mess. What makes her conventional? Why is it important that she is female? Why not "sorceress"? How is her magic unsuited for the homunculi or the library? Have you not heard of the concept of "show, don't tell"?

How are the homunculi ruthless? How are they combat-oriented? Are they combat models, or merely better at combat than the average homunculi? Do they have the emotional capacity for ruthlessness?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are off to a very bad start. You are putting too much information and too little detail into your exposition.

 

Hmm I see where you're coming from but (and I hope I don't sound proud) I don't really agree .Part of the point of this introduction is to create a sort of intrigue regarding the world that I've built/planning to build .Detailed world-building happens to be something I plan to do with this work but I don't think I can open off with a heavy exposition chapter since it slows everything to a crawl .It also feels inelegant .I want the readers to ask stuff like "what is a conventional sorcerer?" and "what kind of magical world is this?" at first .That way I can call on their curiosity for the time being .If I decide to chock the first chapter with detailed explanations then what happens ?

Leaving out the explanations for several things was intentional .Conventional sorcerers being one of them .It's all a part of how I plan to gradually add in the worldbuilding .The second chapter which I'm on right now has a reasonable amount of that ."Teleporter" was capitalized because it's a term which heavily relates to a group of people .It's a magic related term and so I wanted to put emphasis on it ."Conventional" wasn't capitalized because it was an adjective .Also I gave a short explanation on homunculi (which I'll add to in the next few chapters) in this chapter .

The use of "sorcerer" and not "sorceress" is something I'll correct .Originally I had a piece of trivia that I wanted to add concerning that but I've scrapped it for something more interesting .

 

@Dergonu and @Shikomizue

Thanks a lot .If possible I'd like you to take a look at what Velociraptor has said since it's possible that I'm mistaken .

[Dergonu]

5 minutes ago, TheDeadApostle said:

@Dergonu and @Shikomizue

Thanks a lot .If possible I'd like you to take a look at what Velociraptor has said since it's possible that I'm mistaken .

Well, I agree that certain parts might be a little bit rushed, but I do not see a reason to explain literally every aspect of a character, and his / her role in the first few lines.

In fact, I think that if you took too long explaining the small details of each character right away, it could get a bit boring. You start with a very general introduction, and you do give more information about the character's roles, apperance and such later on. So I really don't see a problem there.

 

I suppose a tad bit more information about their enemies wouldn't hurt, but I think Velo is nitpicking a little bit there.

You definitely do have room for improvement, like we all do, but I can't say I agree to such a blunt statement. What you have is good and interesting, and it makes me want to read more.

(It's actually quite common to start off with a bit of a vague introduction, and then give more details later on.)

That is my opinion at least.

[Velociraptor]

Just now, TheDeadApostle said:

 

Hmm I see where you're coming from but (and I hope I don't sound proud) I don't really agree .Part of the point of this introduction is to create a sort of intrigue regarding the world that I've built/planning to build .Detailed world-building happens to be something I plan to do with this work but I don't think I can open off with a heavy exposition chapter since it slows everything to a crawl .It also feels inelegant .I want the readers to ask stuff like "what is a conventional sorcerer?" and "what kind of magical world is this?" at first .That way I can call on their curiosity for the time being .If I decide to chock the first chapter with detailed explanations then what happens ?

Leaving out the explanations for several things was intentional .Conventional sorcerers being one of them .It's all a part of how I plan to gradually add in the worldbuilding .The second chapter which I'm on right now has a reasonable amount of that ."Teleporter" was capitalized because it's a term which heavily relates to a group of people .It's a magic related term and so I wanted to put emphasis on it ."Conventional" wasn't capitalized because it was an adjective .Also I gave a short explanation on homunculi (which I'll add to in the next few chapters) in this chapter .

The use of "sorcerer" and not "sorceress" is something I'll correct .Originally I had a piece of trivia that I wanted to add but I've scrapped it for something more interesting .

 

@Dergonu and @Shikomizue 

Thanks a lot .If possible I'd like you to take a look at what Velociraptor has said since it's possible that I'm mistaken .

That's not the sort of "intrigue" you want. That's not even intrigue, really. It raises questions, sure, but you want people to be asking things like "What is this person's motivations?" not "Why does it feel like I'm reading a technical report?". It's jargon. The narrator is talking in jargon that the reader just does not understand. It's "mysterious" in the same way someone suddenly talking to you in Chinese is "mysterious".

If you really want to improve your writing, hold yourself to these two rules:

1. Don't dump new names or terms on the reader without explaining what those names or terms mean.

2. Show, don't tell.

[Velociraptor]

2 minutes ago, Dergonu said:

Well, I agree that certain parts might be a little bit rushed, but I do not see a reason to explain literally every aspect of a character, and his / her role in the first few lines.

In fact, I think that if you took too long explaining the small details of each character right away, it could get a bit boring. You start with a very general introduction, and you do give more information about the character's roles, apperance and such later on. So I really don't see a problem there.

 

I suppose a tad bit more information about their enemies wouldn't hurt, but I think Velo is nitpicking a little bit there.

You definitely do have room for improvement, like we all do, but I can't say I agree to such a blunt statement. What you have is good and interesting, and it makes me want to read more.

(It's actually quite common to start off with a bit of a vague introduction, and then give more details later on.)

That is my opinion at least.

You completely misunderstand. I am not arguing in favor on long-winded explanations on every little thing. I am saying that you should not dump a bucket of new terms on the reader without any explanation at all. It reads like a technical report and it's just plain confusing.

[Dergonu]

9 minutes ago, Velociraptor said:

You completely misunderstand. I am not arguing in favor on long-winded explanations on every little thing. I am saying that you should not dump a bucket of new terms on the reader without any explanation at all. It reads like a technical report and it's just plain confusing.

Well, I mean, it's obvious that he can't explain every term in the first chapter of the book.

He is establishing the setting.

 

So, for example once the Teleporter is mentioned, would it really fit to right away jump into explaining: "Oh, by the way, a Teleporter is bla bla bla."?

Once you keep reading, the nature of these people's powers become more apparent, but specific details are not yet given, as it's still the first chapter of the book.

I honestly don't really get what you mean. I wasn't confused at all  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯   

[Velociraptor]

Just now, Dergonu said:

Well, I mean, it's obvious that he can't explain every term in the first chapter of the book.

He is establishing the setting.

 

So, for example once the Teleporter is mentioned, would it really fit to right away jump into explaining: "Oh, by the way, a Teleporter is bla bla bla."?

Once you keep reading, the nature of these people's powers become more apperant, but specific details are not yet given, as it's still the first chapter of the book.

I honestly don't really get what you mean. I wasn't really confused at all  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯   

"Two young redheads were at the moment hiding behind a bookshelf at the far back of the deserted Grand Capitol Library. Evangeline, an 18 year old girl with her hair in a ponytail and Erik, a teenager of around the same age clutching his injured left arm. Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second. An injured Beorcwisp and a conventional female jurojasper with jurojuro unsuited for the opponents and surroundings were up against 5 ruthless combat-oriented liffewagols. Calling it a bad matchup was an understatement."

Simply by renaming the fantastic elements, the whole thing suddenly becomes unintelligible.

Why? Because it is JARGON. It relies on the reader to know what those things are beforehand. The author knows what they are, and the reader *might* think they know what they are, but in the end it's just a bunch of random words that are thrown out all at once. This is not good exposition. This is not well-paced. This is not informative. It does not raise good questions. This is something that might be acceptable halfway through the story when you know what any of these things are, but it is not acceptable to cram all these random terms into the first *real* paragraph of the story.

[Dergonu]

1 minute ago, Velociraptor said:

"Two young redheads were at the moment hiding behind a bookshelf at the far back of the deserted Grand Capitol Library. Evangeline, an 18 year old girl with her hair in a ponytail and Erik, a teenager of around the same age clutching his injured left arm. Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second. An injured Beorcwisp and a conventional female jurojasper with jurojuro unsuited for the opponents and surroundings were up against 5 ruthless combat-oriented liffewagols. Calling it a bad matchup was an understatement."

Simply by renaming the fantastic elements, the whole thing suddenly becomes unintelligible.

Why? Because it is JARGON. It relies on the reader to know what those things are beforehand. The author knows what they are, and the reader *might* think they know what they are, but in the end it's just a bunch of random words that are thrown out all at once. This is not good exposition. This is not well-paced. This is not informative. It does not raise good questions. This is something that might be acceptable halfway through the story when you know what any of these things are, but it is not acceptable to cram all these random terms into the first *real* paragraph of the story.

"A narrative work beginning in medias res ("into the middle things") opens in the midst of action. Often, exposition is bypassed and filled in gradually, either through dialogue, flashbacks or description of past events. For example, Hamlet begins after the death of Hamlet's father. Characters make reference to King Hamlet's death without the plot's first establishment of said fact."

 

I do not see the problem at all.

Introducing terms you are not yet familiar with is absolutely fine. It's not explaining them at any pont, ever, that would be a problem.

Already in this first chapter, parts of these elements are slowly explained, but not completely revealed, resulting in an interesting and intriguing story. I want to keep reading, and I am expecting the answers in what comes next. But I am not sitting there thinking, "WTF?!", because it is apperant to me that this chapter wasn't mean to explain everything, but it was used as an introduction.

Sure, a few more details here and there will benefit the story. But I do not agree with your point. By your logic, any new terms introduced in a work of fiction has to be explained right then and there, or else it becomes complete gibberish? Come on ...

[Velociraptor]

11 minutes ago, Dergonu said:

"A narrative work beginning in medias res ("into the middle things") opens in the midst of action. Often, exposition is bypassed and filled in gradually, either through dialogue, flashbacks or description of past events. For example, Hamlet begins after the death of Hamlet's father. Characters make reference to King Hamlet's death without the plot's first establishment of said fact."

 

I do not see the problem at all.

Introducing terms you are not yet familiar with is absolutely fine. It's not explaining them at any pont, ever, that would be a problem.

Already in this first chapter, parts of these elements are slowly explained, but not completely revealed, resulting in an interesting and intriguing story. I want to keep reading, and I am expecting the answers in what comes next. But I am not sitting there thinking, "WTF?!", because it is apperant to me that this chapter wasn't mean to explain everything, but it was used as an introduction.

Sure, a few more details here and there will benefit the story. But I do not agree with your point. By your logic, any new terms introduced in a work of fiction has to be explained right then and there, or else it becomes complete gibberish? Come on ...

You have consistently failed to understand what I am trying to say. I don't want to argue about this. I only want the author to improve. So I'll explain it once more for you and never again.

I am not advocating longwinded explanations and introductions out of nowhere.

I am not advocating that every term be thoroughly explained immediately after it is used.

I am merely saying that dumping six different names and/or terms on the reader in the same paragraph and not giving any auxiliary information is bad exposition.

But I've probably already antagonized you to the point where you won't listen to me anymore, so here's a video explaining the concept of the dreaded infodump for me: (skip to 5:40)

 

[Dergonu]

24 minutes ago, Velociraptor said:

You have consistently failed to understand what I am trying to say. I don't want to argue about this. I only want the author to improve. So I'll explain it once more for you and never again.

I am not advocating longwinded explanations and introductions out of nowhere.

I am not advocating that every term be thoroughly explained immediately after it is used.

I am merely saying that dumping six different names and/or terms on the reader in the same paragraph and not giving any auxiliary information is bad exposition.

But I've probably already antagonized you to the point where you won't listen to me anymore...

 

You say you wish to help the author improve, yet you give no information as to how he can improve. (And you also make figuring out exactly what you didn't like about it very hard.)

I am just trying to save this person time, so he doesn't have to look for problems in his text that isn't there.

 

What difference does it make if he introduces six or two, or 900 terms? Yes, I get that if he literally just keeps going on and on and on about things you don't understand, explaining them later will be hard, and that the sentence itself might become too hard to understand, but the line you keep on refering to is completely comprehensible to me.

The terms used are explained somewhat later on, and the way they are used does not make the sentence itslef completely unreadable. They are titles, classes, what have you. It is possible to get this right away, even if you don't know exactly what they mean.

Even if we look at it after you changed the terms, it is not that bad:

"Two young redheads were at the moment hiding behind a bookshelf at the far back of the deserted Grand Capitol Library. Evangeline, an 18 year old girl with her hair in a ponytail and Erik, a teenager of around the same age clutching his injured left arm. Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second. An injured Beorcwisp and a conventional female jurojasper with jurojuro unsuited for the opponents and surroundings were up against 5 ruthless combat-oriented liffewagols. Calling it a bad matchup was an understatement."

 

You are being unreasonable and frankly, it almost feels like you came here just to find fault with the text. Where is your constructive critisism, where is the part where you try to tell the author what he can do better?

I just want to help this person, and so if I end up being wrong, alright, great, at least that means the author knows exactly what to improve on.

But the way you explain your issues, and then say:

"don't mean to sound harsh, but you are off to a very bad start. You are putting too much information and too little detail into your exposition."

does make you sound harsh, even if "you don't mean to sound harsh." ....

[DarkZedge]

18 hours ago, Dergonu said:

It's pretty unique, very entertaining. I like it. You write rather well, though like Aaron mentioned, there are some small mistakes/ issues here and tere, but that's something you can work on. (And emphasis on small.)

It's a good start, and like I said, it was a very entertaining read. Good job!

The irony haha.

Like they said it's a good start and it seems entertaining, keep up the good work and enjoy what you enjoy doing, you will surely improve as time goes on. 

[Shikomizue]

I would add to this argument, but it seems I missed it and Dergonu has said most of what I wanted to anyway...

[Darklord Rooke]

7 hours ago, Velociraptor said:

2. Show, don't tell.

@TheDeadApostle You should take note of this part of the critique. You tell far too much in your text, and you don't write in a way which allows you to get away with it. Because of this your narration comes across as dull  

Eh, I wasn't going to comment but you're in danger of dismissing some good advice so I'll expand on it a little. The biggest area you need to improve is building an atmosphere. You generally do this by showing (there are exceptions.) Allow me to demonstrate the extent of your use of 'tell' by pasting some paragraphs and underlining all the 'tell' within.

Quote

 Erik, a teenager of around the same age clutching his injured left arm. Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second. An injured Teleporter and a conventional female sorcerer with magic unsuited for the opponents and surroundings were up against 5 ruthless combat-oriented homunculi. Calling it a bad matchup was an understatement.

Yes, I underlined all of it ... except for the guy's name. I'll pull up a different paragraph:

Quote

Her sharp mind which had been racing for the past few minutes still had no solution to their dilemma and the situation was getting worse by the minute. Erik would probably only be able to shunt a few more times since this game of cat and mouse had been going on for about an hour. Outrunning the monsters was physically impossible and so the only option they had left was to hide and then teleport as soon as they were found. The extremely sharp hearing of the homunculi meant that trying to creep around would be unwise especially since Erik’s footsteps would be heavy due to fatigue. Once Erik reached his limit, which should be coming soon, they’d probably be stranded and have only the option of waiting to die. Calling Evangeline’s current emotional state ‘troubled’ would not do it justice.

Before you say anything, observe I didn't underline the word 'her'  

So, substantial no? Because you heavily rely on the use of tell, and exposition (and a tense battle scene isn't really the time or place) you can’t build an atmosphere. You could show the reader her magic is unsuitable through dialogue or through some magical attempts of hers, you could show  the reader how his arm was injured, you could show the reader how the homunculi were combat oriented through details of their tactics and the ease with which they take control of situations, and you could show the reader the matchup was bad through description of the scenario. Showing the homunculi's sharp hearing by having them react to the light cough would have made things more real for the reader. There would have been an image in the reader's mind to match the conclusion you draw, and this would make the scene more vivid, more real. Without this piece of imagery, you’re just throwing conclusions out to the reader, which is what telling is. Showing is building a scene and allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions through the experience you’re giving them.

No, you don't have to explain everything in the first setting, some mystery is good. In fact, there's too much exposition going on. Show is interesting, tell is boring. But the way you categorise people and things without showing them, and this is a problem of yours which extends to some pretty funky adverb and adjective abuse, kinda half-explains things to the audience and half doesn't. I just wouldn't go there at all until you can devote some proper time to it, and like I said the middle of a battle scene is not the time or place. Stuff like 'conventional female sorcerer' which then leads into a small piece of exposition into what she can and can't do just isn't cool. Instead 'show' a little of what she can and can't do in the opening scene, and expand on it later on, in a different one, when you can do it justice. Also 'ruthless' combat homunculi? Ruthlessness can be shown by what they've done, so drop that also. You don't even need to tell people it's 'Grand Capitol' library, a description of the library probably would have sufficed and introducing it as Grand Capitol in the next scene could have been better. 

Velociraptor's point about dumping 6 different terms in the one paragraph can be eliminated through more use of show, and less use of tell and exposition. 

So, yeah, 'telling' is what you first need to work on. As in it should be reduced. Probably substantially. Good luck  

[Darklord Rooke]

That isn’t to say you shouldn’t tell, authors always combine bits of tell with bits of show, but you ‘tell’ far too much. And you exposition too much. It reads a little like a light novel, in parts. You need to fine a balance, but until you do the safest method is to err on the side of ‘showing more’. It’s one of the pieces of advice most often handed out because people always like to abuse 'Tell' in inappropriate ways. (Ew.) I would also advise you to read a lot more English books (don’t read light novels, some people think they count but they don’t,) and to meditate (like a Sith Lord, don’t forget the lightsaber) about techniques used.

[TheDeadApostle]

Wow it's been a while hasn't it?

@Darklord Rooke

I totally understand where you're coming from. Showing and not telling is one of the things I was advised to do before starting this work. The thing is though, that "showing" costs reasonably more. That is to say in terms of word count. Word count is especially important when it comes to getting a novel published and so I'm trying to cut down on it a bit. That isn't to say that I don't intend to show at all though. Just that it's something I'll think more of doing when I finish the novel and have an idea of the word count. As of now most people I've showed this to(some of which were writers themselves) seem pleased with how the first chapter went so I'm not very inclined to change it . If anything I've been told it's really wordy and can still be cut down. Thanks a lot for the advice though.

 

@Thread

I'm still open to criticism. Oh yeah and I've posted new chapters (up till chapter 6) https://www.scribd.com/document/330163020/The-Modern-Day-Legend-of-Gideon-6 .

[Darklord Rooke]

6 hours ago, TheDeadApostle said:

The thing is though, that "showing" costs reasonably more. That is to say in terms of word count. Word count is especially important when it comes to getting a novel published and so I'm trying to cut down on it a bit.

That's not how you cut down your word count.

[Darklord Rooke]

If you have to compromise on technique to cut down the size of a scene, consider keeping the longer version of a scene in. Generally speaking you can chop down on words by cutting whole scenes, eliminating useless content, getting rid of some characters, cutting needless paragraphs of description. Notice how all of this is story editing? This is because your word count is something you should deal with last, not first. You write your novel then you edit to your word count, because anything can be fixed in an edit. 

Worst comes to worst just split it into two novels.

The reason word length is important when getting your novel published has to do with costs of publishing a physical novel, and how attractive it is on a shelf. Publishing digitally is also always an option, and in these cases word count is of much less importance.

[TheDeadApostle]

1 hour ago, Darklord Rooke said:

That's not how you cut down your word count.

 

That's very true. But the thing is, so far I've received good feedback regarding the first chapter. That means that something's being done right regardless of the excess 'telling'. Heck, I got praised somewhere for my description. It's not that I'm overconfident (I have a slight nervous breakdown when showing it to someone else for judging) but I feel like the first chapter is alright for the most part. If I was the only one to have judged it then it'd be ridiculous but now I have feedback from other people.

Also, I could choose to 'show' everything but then that means it would take longer to get to the point <- Note: This is one of the recurring problems I've received.

 

1 hour ago, Darklord Rooke said:

If you have to compromise on technique to cut down the size of a scene, consider keeping the longer version of a scene in. Generally speaking you can chop down on words by cutting whole scenes, eliminating useless content, getting rid of some characters, cutting needless paragraphs of description. Notice how all of this is story editing? This is because your word count is something you should deal with last, not first. You write your novel then you edit to your word count, because anything can be fixed in an edit. 

Worst comes to worst just split it into two novels.

The reason word length is important when getting your novel published has to do with costs of publishing a physical novel, and how attractive it is on a shelf. Publishing digitally is also always an option, and in these cases word count is of much less importance.

Yes I know why word count is important. I actually did some research on it for planning purposes. The thing is, I want to get it published in a physical form someday (if possible). So, word count is important. From what I've seen, Sci-Fi has less restrictions but I'd like to use less words anyways. Of course, if the the work was completely unreadable then that'd be a problem but judging from my feedback, it seems alright (even good) for the most part (I need to get rid of the passive voice and some clunky sentences. More showing when possible but less emphasis on that).

Splitting it into two is a definite no though.

You might be completely correct, but first, I want to finish the book in a way that I'm comfortable with before giving it to an editor to hack away at it.

[EastCoastDrifter]

Your writing and story definitely have potential, so keep up the good work. The only issue I find with it is that there's too much explanation text throughout the entire chapter which can break up the story flow, as pointed out by others before me. I recommend you cut down on that and just focus on the scene at hand, while only providing brief summaries and subtle hints to your setting. One of the best writing tactics is to gradually introduce elements as the story progresses rather than just introduce it all at once in a single chapter. There are a couple of grammar mistakes too but, they're no big deal and can be easily fixed by reading over it again.

Also, I've noticed that you used some Japanese words in the story like "Oi!", which left me puzzled because the characters in your story are not Japanese and have English names. Were you inspired by Japanese anime, manga, and light novels? Because if your intent is to market your story to an anime fanbase, then it's understandable, however regular book readers who are not into anime will not understand the context behind it and will find it odd that non-Japanese characters are blurting out random Japanese words, if they do know this at all. Keep in mind that the market for light novels is completely non-existent outside of Japan, and the English literature industry has a vastly different system with many demographics to market to.

[Darklord Rooke]

31 minutes ago, KonpekiUmi said:

Because if your intent is to market your story to an anime fanbase, then it's understandable, however regular book readers who are not into anime will not understand the context behind it and will find it odd that non-Japanese characters are blurting random Japanese words, if they do know this at all. Keep in mind that the market for light novels is completely non-existent outside of Japan, and the English literature industry has a vastly different system with many demographics to market to.

It's more than that, actually. Light Novels use what's considered very ... shady techniques when it comes to English writing. As in, a lot of the stuff they do is considered 'bad' in the English market. The sheer amount of exposition, the amount of 'telling', the way sentences contain far too much information, and yet the lack of detail overall (relates to 'tell' but also relates to them just not bothering.) And if you read fan-translated stuff the issues are compounded. If you use Light Novels as inspiration for your work, it's much harder to make it work in English, and it wouldn't even be considered by publishers in English's young adult market. The techniques are just way too different.

That being said, there are some light-novel inspired self published stuff on Amazon which do reasonably well. And when you self-publish you can market niche demographics because you don't need to recoup huge costs. But not for a traditional publisher.

[Fred the Barber]

I missed this thread the first time around, and I probably wasn't qualified to comment on it then anyway, but since I'm here, now, and since the OP is back and posting, I figure I'll throw in my two cents.

From what I read, I agreed with most of Velociraptor's feedback and all of Rooke's feedback. You said you're looking for criticism, but you're receiving good criticism and you largely appear to be ignoring it. You're not going to improve if you take that attitude. Listen to Rooke.

I'll just cover a few points:

• I don't agree with Velociraptor's concern around terminology — jumping into the story in medias res, as you've done, is a technique as old as writing itself, and with genre fiction, I don't think people are uncomfortable with a cold start like this involving a lot of world-building jargon thrown at them. The terminology itself isn't unfamiliar and will just have your own specific definitions of more generic words, so I don't think Velociraptor's feedback that it's nonsense is valid.
• They're both right that your text has way too much telling and not enough showing. Rooke has already given pretty exhaustive examples, but just to pick one I particularly disliked, here: "Theirs was not a good situation, and while at the moment they could barely manage, their chances of escape reduced by the second." That sentence is a pile of weak words in an awkward sentence construction that hardly gives me any insight into what's happening. You clearly want your first paragraphs to be simultaneously an introduction to the setting and characters, and also a tense action scene. This sentence is only holding you back. You need to stop telling the reader how to feel and what to think, and instead focus on relating a sequence of events in a way that makes the reader feel what you want them to. Where the former is boring, the latter is engaging. If you take only one point of criticism, please, take the one most of us are trying to tell you: you need to do a lot less telling and a lot more showing.
• You do this a couple of times: "Calling Evangeline’s current emotional state ‘troubled’ would not do it justice." I don't know what to call this, but I do not find it pleasant to read. Describe something, or don't: don't undescribe something.
• While you really shouldn't be editing yet, line editing is kind of my thing, and I can't help giving you feedback since you need more awareness of what makes a sentence good. Consider this sentence: "The once organized, albeit abandoned book haven could literally be seen as a shadow of its former self as the scant electric supply was not enough to power anything but the lights to a dim glow." The phrasing is awkward, and the plot of it is incredibly hard to follow. I tried to glance over it three or four times and I wasn't able to guess at what it might be trying to say. I had to read it slowly, jumping back a few words on a couple occasions because of the syntactic complexity, before I could get through it and comprehend it. While this is not true of all genres, certainly in genre fiction like you're writing, you don't want people stumbling over your narrative sentences, re-reading them to try to figure out what's being said. The plot of your narration should be natural and easy to follow so the reader can get through it quickly and keep reading more. This isn't to say that your sentences should be simple or short (though often they should be); rather, I mean that the flow of ideas through a sentence, and then a paragraph, and then a chapter, should almost always be immediately comprehensible. This can still be accomplished even with longer, more complex structures, if the situation calls for them. More often than not, though, it doesn't. Short sentences are powerful.
• You mentioned cutting word count, but cutting word count by telling instead of showing is definitely not doing it right. Rooke is correct that you should not worry about cutting word count for the purposes of publication until after you have a draft, but the second, more important reason to cut word count is that it's usually the key to making a sentence more interesting. Consider this sentence: "Two young redheads were at the moment hiding behind a bookshelf at the far back of the deserted Grand Capitol Library." Compare: "Two redheads hid behind a bookshelf in the depths of the deserted Grand Capitol Library." You have a lot of empty modifiers like "at the moment" (temporal modifiers are especially empty; generally speaking, cut them and your prose will get better), and the "far back" is verbose and boring; why use two words when you can use one? I dropped "young", too, but I'm not married to that decision, if you really need this to be the sentence where the characters are established as young. But you probably don't.

To be completely blunt, I found the high-level ideas engaging (setting, plot), but the writing so frustrating that I stopped reading it about a quarter of the way through. You can certainly do this. I'm sure you're better at it than I would be if I tried. But you need to start taking the advice of the helpful critics you have in this thread.