Sector Zeta-4

[Krictic]

So this is my latest attempt at writing an space-opera story, its heavily derived on the first Dune book, Muv Luv Alternative, Legend fo the Galactic Heroes and even, surprisingly Overlord, it shoudn´t be immediatelly obvious, but they are all here, oh did i mention Vandread and Macross? yea, that too!

Warning: It can take a while, but certain chapters i wrote can be considered sexual, but i don´t think i wrpte explicitly, im a horrible erotic writer, i know because i´ve tried. For now i will only post the prologue and charpter 1, so people can read it in parts and make specific critiques.

No worries tough, no +18 yet.
Please note there maybe quite a few grammatical or structral errors in my writing, just know im aware there are, but i coudn´t find them, and try to be costructive in your critiques, thank you.
 

Prologue:

It was a clear day on the Galactic Institute of technology and Social Sciences of Sahyr, founded upon on the 10^th anniversary of the Sayyanid Revolution, the room was full of people, of all species and creed, united to learn more about their world and their times, the class was History 6, on the period from the conquest of Sahyr by the old Sultanate, to its subsequent decline and rise of the Sayyanids Caliphate, and a personal biography of their leader, Caliph Sayyan, the first of his name.

The professor was no one other than Omar, a personal friend to the Caliph himself, and the persn Rayyan himself said "not even my wife, Sara knows as much of me, mysellf included, than Omar. Lucky yo, he´s an historian.", Omar was a old man, by the standards of the Sahhos, who could live through 180 standard years, he towered impressive 201 years worth of experience, and there was was, doing what he did for the last 160 years, studying and teaching history to anyone interested.

He entered the room full of young minds "all this potential stored, all those species, when it was that i became such a powerfull man?" he thought to himself, he cleared his throat, his voice wasnt as good as 20 years ago, but he coudl still talk powerfully, the mere act of clearing his throat was enough to bring all the attention to himself, he has seen this thousands of times, and never got tired, not even with 160 years of experience. He then began his lecture:

"There are aways those who say "the era of revolutions is ending" and again and again they are proven wrong, revolution is an idea so powerfull, that its cannot simply "die", its resilient to the worst kind of totalitarianism, and that, i think, is the reson why we shoudn´t ever forget the Rayyanid revolution, of course, it wasn´t any kind of totalitarian state, the Sultanate was becoming progressively more liberal, and at the time of its end, there was even talk of abolishing slavery, but to Rayyan, to all those brave Sahhossi, who fought against the tyrany of deprivation of freedom, the mere thought of being aslave and give their intelectual energy to the humans or anhy kind of species, for that matter, was abhorrent."

He paused, looking at his students, for a moment he wished Rayyan was there, looking at him with expectant eyes, to what he had to say, his eyes full of the unique potential that all genius, no matter the times, seems to have. Then he saw someone lifting the hands, an young human female, redhead, his favourites:

"Come one, don´t be shy, ask away."

She looked at him, she reminded him of Sara at a young age.

"Do you think even the Caliphate will suffer a revolution one day? I don´t mean to sound disrespectful, but the way you talked, it reminded me that of the revolutions the old holmeworld of my species, Earth, has gone through, you words seems specially true, but do you think even the Caliphate will resist revolutions?"

 

Omar just smiled, the young, aways forgeting their place, but it coudn´t be helped, it could be blasphemous fo her, but if it was a blasphemy then he was guilty of it then too, may God have mercy on his soul, because he thought it was an excelent question, he just smiled and said:

"If you pay attention to my lecture, about this, you may be able to reach the anwser this yourself, and the you respond your own question, and hen write a book when you are a few hundreds lightyears from the Caliph Suer-Secret Police, okay? I would love to read about it."

Everyone laughed at how easily he got ot of the situation without being explicitly rebelious. He laughed as well, remembering the old time.


Chapter One – The Governor

Emir Rashid, the Governor-General of Sahyr, was feelling lazy today, this backwater planet full of an entire species of hippies sure was a handful, the mere amount fo letters denouncing, very eloquently, mind you , how wrong was slavery ona multitude of different philosophical angles was absurd, all of them was directed to the Sultan, of course, but none of them actually get trough, he coudnt trouble his Sultan with meaningless debates, slavery was a legal and long-standing traditon of the Sultanate, those abolitionists can´t simply transform centjuries wort of culture debating alone, they should just accept their luck and live on, pleasing their masters wth their great minds, or try to rebel and save him the efort of taking care of them a...

 

"Sir? Are you alright?"

The Emir finally opened his eyes to see a young sahhossi servant, he aways found their head protusions very ugly, but ne ver comented on it, he was hated enough already by the local populace, he couldn´t spare govong more mtoives for them to rebel because he didn´t liek one of their facial features. Then he talked at a very tired, slow-paced voice.

 

"Indeed i am, dear servant, indeed i am. I was just...lost in thought, that´s all. What do you want Emil?"

 

The youngster, had the apearance of a human child, humanoid generally, they werent so very different of a human, well, if you didn´t took into account their enlogated heads, where thehy stored their big, powerful brains (yes, plural, the Sahhossi had not one brain, but 3 of them, that worked as one as a node-brain, capable of multitasking at very efficient level)

 

"You´ve asked of me, to bring ye some coffe and biscuits, i hope it is of your satisfaction, i´ve took in consideration your previous grievances with the strongness of your coffe, tis time i think ive reached perfection relative to you standards."

Damn, Emil was no more than 14 years old, was a child by Sahhossi standards, but like mst Sahhossi, he talked like an human adult, rich vocabulary and complex sentence structure and all that, talk about being premature, worse, he complained about the coffee no mroe than 3 times until now, since he began asking his servant to do it, he was irritated, so , even tough the coffe was quite good, if a bit too weak to his taste, he cmplained saying ikt was the worst coffee he had ever tried, on the fourth try he achieved just that, perfection, this was one of the ebst coffee he had ever experiemented, the flavour was like a rich forest of different sensations, he coudn´t help but o smile at Emil.

"This was a masterpiece Emil, sorry about b eing so strict before with you, i was lashing out on you, so i made unreasonable demands to you, your coffe was quite good, but i ask of you to make this everyday to me, could you do that?"

Emil stoic expression didn´t change, but he nodded.
 

"Certainly sir, do you have anything more to ask of me, i´ve already planned the nest 3 days of work and i wish to begin right away."

"Certainly, but Emil, don´t think i have ever seen you smile, why?"

"Even if you let me be completely honest with you, and promisse me not to get offended, you would still get offended and punish me for suposed 'insolence', so i prefer not to talk, its that alright to you? Sir?"

Ugh, that last "sir" was quite loaded with sarcasm, wait, Sahhossi could be sarcastic? Damn, not even a week on this end of the galaxy and someone was already sarcastic to him.

 

"No, that´s ok, go o..."

But there was no one there "fuck, i just began working here and people already hate me..."., dejected, he then looked at the next letter, it was one of those white paper letter, written not on hand, but using typography, the author was very meticulous at drawing ot the letters so he coudn´t be indentified. It wasn´t the last time this guy sent a letter to the emperor, on the fourth letter, the author just infered from the lack of response, that he was being censored, so he began adressing the Emir directly:

 

" Good Morning

 

As praxis demands, i request once again that slavery should be abolished as the immoral and unethical activity this is, condemned even by Allah.

 

But that will not work, right? You are saturated with such philosophical essays about it, and even after such eloquent texs explaining why is it wrong, you still insist upon refusing to debate tnhe issue, so be it, the time of asking has ended.

 

Yours truly, Yanyra

 

Expect me."
 

"Oh great, now i have to deal with yet another rebellion, abslutely fantastic" he thought. But if rebelions happned everyday on the Sultanate, what was that feeling of fear in the bscure parts of his mind? Was that going to be diffent?

[mjriedstra]

Hi there! Thanks for posting.

 

Are you looking for a critique of style and grammar, or only for opinions on the content of the story? I'm happy to give my opinion once I know what sort of feedback you prefer.

[Krictic]

Hi there! Thanks for posting.

 

Are you looking for a critique of style and grammar, or only for opinions on the content of the story? I'm happy to give my opinion once I know what sort of feedback you prefer.

Oh hey!

Im mostly looking for opinions on the story and ttextual structure.

I can handle the grammar once i revise the actual content of the  stories.

[mjriedstra]

Oh hey!

Im mostly looking for opinions on the story and ttextual structure.

I can handle the grammar one i revise the actual contant of the  stories.

 

I can see the influence of Dune. Politics are clearly an important part of the world you're building. Lots of room to build intrigue. The shadowing is already beginning in the prologue with the professor himself and the way he skirts the subject of unrest despite everyone's obvious interest in it. I think you're off to a good start there.

 

The introduction of the governor builds on that, and by the end of the first chapter it's already become clear that some sort of serious civil movement is about to break into active rebellion. As a whole, the hook is good and the subject matter seems interesting. I can see it grabbing people with even a small interest in space politics, which is a pretty interesting sub-genre (to me at least).

 

In terms of structure, the first two paragraphs might turn people away even if they are the type to be interested in the subject matter, just because of how much background information and universe-building you do without taking a breath. Details about the caliph, the revolution, the professor, their relationship, etc. might be better served in smaller doses later on as they become relevant. It feels like the purpose of your prologue is inform the reader about the universe first, and then to build a sense of intrigue and of a galaxy that might be teetering on the edge much more so than its inhabitants realize, but doing both in a single page may be working against you. It could be more effective to focus on the underlying tensions and avoid details that break the mood and flow.

 

Breaking up the sentences would help the flow as well. Some of your paragraphs are written as enormous sentences with a dozen or more commas. Periods create pauses for the reader to absorb information, and let you compartmentalize related ideas.

 

In all, interesting concept. Keep at it! If there's more in the future, I'll check it out.

[Krictic]

I can see the influence of Dune. Politics are clearly an important part of the world you're building. Lots of room to build intrigue. The shadowing is already beginning in the prologue with the professor himself and the way he skirts the subject of unrest despite everyone's obvious interest in it. I think you're off to a good start there.

 

The introduction of the governor builds on that, and by the end of the first chapter it's already become clear that some sort of serious civil movement is about to break into active rebellion. As a whole, the hook is good and the subject matter seems interesting. I can see it grabbing people with even a small interest in space politics, which is a pretty interesting sub-genre (to me at least).

 

In terms of structure, the first two paragraphs might turn people away even if they are the type to be interested in the subject matter, just because of how much background information and universe-building you do without taking a breath. Details about the caliph, the revolution, the professor, their relationship, etc. might be better served in smaller doses later on as they become relevant. It feels like the purpose of your prologue is inform the reader about the universe first, and then to build a sense of intrigue and of a galaxy that might be teetering on the edge much more so than its inhabitants realize, but doing both in a single page may be working against you. It could be more effective to focus on the underlying tensions and avoid details that break the mood and flow.

 

Breaking up the sentences would help the flow as well. Some of your paragraphs are written as enormous sentences with a dozen or more commas. Periods create pauses for the reader to absorb information, and let you compartmentalize related ideas.

 

In all, interesting concept. Keep at it! If there's more in the future, I'll check it out.

I already have a plot plan for this all writen up, the great problem is, indeed, the fact that i stumble heavily on writing the actual story, i mean, im better at worldbuilding than i am at actual writting, i´ve wrote quite a few more chapters, but it seems i need to rewrite the entire thing so i can take your sugegstions into consideration.

I´ve written the Sultan chapter and the diplomat chapter already, i will post them here soon, but my writting style is quite similar to what you´ve already seen, so expect some of my previous mistakes.

[Krictic]

Okay, so i rewrote the prologue taking into consideration your critique. Its basicaly the same situation, but with less "infodumping".
 

Prologue

 

It was a clear, sunny day at the campus of the Royal University of Sahyr, it was going to be a nice, calm day, Professor Omar pondered, while going to the room where dozens of eager students were waiting his lecture on the subject of the history of Sahhossi Civilization, a very daunting task to be sure, but it was also his duty to the Caliph.

He then entered room 234 where his students wait patiently his first words, all conversation ended abruptly as he walked to his chair, in ponderous and slow, steps. Then he just sit there, looking at all those young minds, ripe for molding and educating, how nice to be young.

Omar was a kind of a celebrity int he academia because not only of his background but also because of his groundbreaking work on the historiography of the Sahhossi civilization and philosophy, his books are much studied throughout the galaxy, he was the greatest living authority in tthe subject and was widely respected for that. Omar himself rarely flatered himself with such titles and honours, he was but a mere storyteller for his species and culture, nothing exceptionaly special.

Looking at the general direction of his students, he began clearing his throat loundly, and began talking.

"I see there´s more people than usual in this class, i don´t really know if tis is good or not, either i am being higly overestimated, or pehaps this is part of the emergent zeitgeist of our times, more peple interested in history usually isn´t a good sign for the status quo, but don´t tell the Caliph i said that."

The entire class exploded in laughter.

"You see, this is important to our class, because i will not teach, but to tell a story of ideas and ideologies, of extremisms and rationalism, or kings and pretenders, but msotly, about revolution. I do not intend to give detailed explanation on the polical context of the time, because this is more about the people, than the wat itself. There are aways those who say "the era of revolutions is ending" and again and again they are proven wrong, revolution is an idea so powerful, that its cannot simply "die", its resilient to the worst kind of totalitarianism, and that, i think, is the reson why we shoudn´t ever forget the Rayyanid revolution, of course, it wasn´t any kind of totalitarian state, the Sultanate was becoming progressively more liberal, and at the time of its end, there was even talk of abolishing slavery, but to Rayyan, to all those brave Sahhossi, who fought against the tyrany of deprivation of freedom, the mere thought of being a slave and give their intelectual energy to the humans or anhy kind of species, for that matter, was abhorrent."

He paused, looking at his students, for a moment he wished Rayyan was there, looking at him with expectant eyes, to what he had to say, his eyes full of the unique potential that all genius, no matter the times, seems to have. Then he saw someone lifting the hands, an young human female, redhead, his favourites:

"Come one, don´t be shy, ask away."

She looked at him, she reminded him of Sara at a young age.

"Do you think even the Caliphate will suffer a revolution one day? I don´t mean to sound disrespectful, but the way you talked, it reminded me that of the revolutions the old holmeworld of my species, Earth, has gone through, you words seems specially true, but do you think even the Caliphate will resist revolutions?"

 

Omar just smiled, the young, aways forgeting their place, but it coudn´t be helped, it could be blasphemous fo her, but if it was a blasphemy then he was guilty of it then too, may God have mercy on his soul, because he thought it was an excelent question, he just smiled and said:

"If you pay attention to my lecture, about this, you may be able to reach the anwser this yourself, and the you respond your own question, and hen write a book when you are a few hundreds lightyears from the Caliph Suer-Secret Police, okay? I would love to read about it."

Everyone laughed at how easily he got ot of the situation without being explicitly rebelious. He laughed as well, remembering the old time."

[mjriedstra]

The flow of information is more natural now. It comes out in Omar's dialogue rather than purely through the narration, which I think is a good change.

 

One thing I'm curious about is the line you added about the class exploding in laughter when he says, "...but don't tell the Caliph I said that." This implies to me that all the students realize that what he said is blasphemous, and that they aren't bothered by it at all; there's a general acceptance that things need to change. Is that the intended subtext?

 

It seems like a big deal for a personal friend of the caliph to be so open about the unrest. That's a very interesting dynamic.

[Krictic]

My intention was to show to the reader about the nature, implicitly, of this new polity, the Caliph is a more...figure-head than a power-holder, because of the way it was built, its something i will explain in later chapters, but the caliphate is more a republic than a despotic monachy, i´ve written about it quite a lot on my plot plan, that´s why he can speak so openly about the subject unrest, his society is changing once again to accomodate the new times thata re coming throughout the galaxy, also because Omar is protected by the royal family, because of his "special status".

But this is the "future" of the present in the actual story im trying to write, there will be interludes where i will go back to Omar teaching his students when the reader has more information and context about it, th original planw as the story to begin and end at Omar´s class, he will talk ab out the consequences that certain decisions and circustances in Rayyan´s life will affect the way he will govern his state in the future.

[Krictic]

Alright, new chapter i just wrote, i tried my best to be slower now.

Enjoy.

"Chapter 1 – The Governor

Saladin-Class Supercarrier "Wrath of God", near planet Sahyr.

Mahmoud was irritated, there was was, a man who dedicated 12 years of his life to the study of planetary admnistration and business, the first of his class even, what he got as reward? A backwater planet at the border of the Sultanate territory, inhabited by a primitive pre-space alien civilization, brilliant.

The planet itself was beaultiful, verdant and seemingly temperate, quite similar to Earth, if Earth wasn´t the charred wasteland it is today, Mahmoud tried to imagine why the Sultan permitted them to have the planet, even as slaves, surely it had great deposits of strategic resources the Sultanate desperately need, but no, they chose to transform the entire planet into a giant university dedicated to slave intelectuals and thinkers of all kinds, no infraestructure to speak of, no great cities...basicaly a rural planet, the wet dream of anhy industrialist, if the planet wasn´t protected by laws made centuries ago. While lost in thought, Mahmoud didn´t noticed a presence besides who, who now speaks ina very feminine, yet alien, voice.

 

"Baultiful isn´t it? You know every Sahhossi has a 4k photo of the planet so they can remember to have faith in the future?"

 

He saw a Sahhosi woman, one of the pretty ones too, redhead, of heatly complexion and a bright green skin, Mamoud aways imagined that if they were mammalians (kinda) and had breasts, he imagined what kind of sex organ they had, of course he knew from anatomy photos that they have a similar biology to humans, not equal, of course, but one thing was to look at photos, another was to see real life. Of course he woudn´t, because he was married with children back in Ghassid IV. Mariah was his secretary and councillor in Sahyr issues, she would be of great help to him.
 

"Hello Mariah, what do you want?"

"To inform you that your atmospheric transport is ready for you at your leisure."

 

"Oh of course..."

He then leave his chair and begin to walk towards the exit of the room, then suddenly stops and look at Mariah.

"That thing about a photo of the planet, even the starborn have them?"

Mariah laughed, like it was a obvious question.

 

"Specially the starborn, sir."

He then looked at the planet, it was indeed a beaultiful planet, untouched by greed, then he looks at the woman, and says.

"what are you waiting for? Come with me, i have questions."

She smiled.

"Certainly sir.

A few minutes later they were confortably sit inside the egg-shapped transport, it was small and economic in design, like most sahhosi designs, minimalist outside, but complex inside. They both were sitted one in front of the other, so close he could almost smell her breath, his face was getting red.

 

"Are you alright sire? Its too hot here? I can go in the next transport if need be."

"No! No!, its nothing, i am ok, just nervous."

"Oh, that´s alright sir, you will do fine."

 

"You think?"

"Of course, i know you 1 year now, you are a good, if flawed man, im interested to know how you wil..."

Her speech wa sinterrupted by a rambling, there was no windows in the atmospheric transport, it was designed as a shuttle more than a ship, there was no propulsion systems, they were shot like a bullet into the planet at a certain angle then allowed for both survivability for the reentrance and air-breaking, allowing for a smooth, fast travel. The target was a plataform where a kinetic dampener would absorb the impact of the shuttle without damaging it.

"As i was speaking, sir, im curious to see how you will deal with Sahyr problems, will you use brute force? Diplomacy?"

"I´d prefer a smooth, peaceful government,i wasn´t democratically ellected, but now i feel responsible for this planet, i want to be the best governor this planet ever had. Say, Mariah, what do you think i shnould do about slavery?"

"Oooh, touchy issue huh? As starborn, i was never slaved, but you might not want to hear what i have to say about it, anyway."

"Don´t worry, this is not a test neither i am not recording this conversation, as you may very well know, this capsule doesn´t allow for electronics to function during operation so they doesn´t interfere with navigational systems, so i couldn´t even if i wanted, i just want to...hear your opinion on the matter."

"I think you should abolish it, its immoral and abhorrent to enslave anyone, this is my opinion, but i know you don´t have the power to do it, so i´d say, let the population know your feelings on the matter beforehand, just know you could create more rebels than allies if you say you like slavery."

 

"I...don´t know really, slavery is as old as mankind, it feels unnatural to think of a world without it now. I even supported it in the past, before reading one of Sayid Osman´s books on the issue "Philosophical Consideration of Slavery", im not entirely convinced its a bad thing, but it gave me food for thought."

Mariah once again smile, she lived her entire life as a reprocessing speacialist in the EMF, short for Exiled Mineration Fleet, or simply, Exiled Fleet, before deciding she wanted more of her life than merely looking at how good she could make her alloys, or how pure their minerium was, so she enroled at one of Sichassi universities, and graduated first of her class on Philosophy and Antropology, then she candidated herself when Mahmoud offered jobs for exilates to serve as councillors, something that only feeded his reputationa s a liberal-minded man.

"You guys at the EMF surely are firm about your beliefs uh?"

"We wouldnt be one of the biggest sources of primary commodities if we were lax in our ideology, all we do is, as you know, to reclaim the Homeworld."

"I dont´t knwo if i should send you to prison right now or if a kill you..."

Silence. Then laughter, they both knew he wouldn´t
 

"hehehe, very funny sir, You heard me talking about the EMF before, if you wanted me imprionedi would be months ago."

"You know it..."

Then suddenly their conversation was interrupted as the door of the shuttle opened, the´ve reached the surface and didn´t even feel a thing, what marvels of technology those dampeners were.

 

"How do you feel about being the first starborn Sahhosi to walk into your Homeworld?"

She was actually crying, Mahmoud was expecting some emotions, yes, but actual crying? The cold, calculating starborn, crying? There was a first for everything uh...

"A...are you alright?"

He placed a hand or her should, the entire reception team organized by the locals looked at her as if they knew what she was feeling. Then she stopped, and recomposed herself.

"Im sorry, i will talk later, let just...see them, okay?"

Mahmoud was shocked at the speed she transitioned between crying and composure, this sure was a strange person. Then some dignataries aproched them at the kinetic dampener plataform just as they were taking their luggage off. The dignataries were composed mostly of Sahhosi, but escorted by some humans. An elder stepped in and said, making an exagerated bow.

"Welcome to our humble planet, governor, i hope you bring us the hope we need in those dark times."

"Let us talk ab out hope and dark times in another time, Elder, now i need to find my home so i can rest, by tomorrow i want a complete report on the planet, including politics, rebelions, geology, geography and the such. Okay?"

"Indeed sir, we will have everything for you tomorrow."

 

Then the elder looked at Mariah, with a smile.

"It is an honour to receive a representant of our starborn brothers, you are the evry first of your kind to visit Sahyr since...the conquest?"

Mariah seemed as if she was going to cry again, but maintained her composure and smiled back.
 

"Its my honour to be received back into Homeworld."

"OK, enough with the introductions, Mariah, do you want me to escort you to your home?"

She shakes he head.
 

"No need sir, i will find my own way around, i want to...explore this place, there´s so much to learn."

"I understand, be safe, okay?"

Damn, he was letting his passion to take control of him, truth was, Mahmoud wa sinfartuated witht he Sahhosi woman, he still loved his family, but the burnning passion of love was reserved only to this girl, and there was time he almost declared himself, but never did, he still had a family he was responsible to, but he hoped, deep in his mind, one day he would be able to say this to her.

And so, he let her go."
 

Edited August 27, 2015 by Krictic

[mjriedstra]

Interesting chapter. The dynamic between the governor and his secretary is nice and is clearly leading to some important event. Curious to know what will happen to her as she wanders around the city.

 

I like the introduction of some technology here. The pod / shuttle being a dead zone for electronics is a good detail, and landing on a kinetic dampener is a fun idea. it starts to give the reader a sense of the technological level of the society we're dealing with.

 

The moral arguments from both sides regarding the righteousness of slavery (or lack thereof) is obviously the lynchpin of the plot, and in that way this reminds me of the Heroic Legend of Arlsan. Not sure if you've seen it, but if you're bored you may want to check it out. The settings are opposite, but the underlying theme is similar.

 

I won't delve too deeply into the technical side of the writing, but I think it's worth mentioning that if you would like to increase your audience and get detailed feedback about your story, it's worth taking the time to do a serious edit to bring it up to a high technical standard to get more people interested. Don't be embarrassed to ask someone to do it for you if necessary. Most writers don't do their own editing, as it can be hard to see the trees for the forest (so to speak) when you're the one who has created the work. Instead of reading what you actually put on the page, it's very easy to only see the story as it exists in your head, since you already know what it's supposed to say.

[mjriedstra]

Oh, something I forgot to mention. Your characters all have a lot of potential to be compelling and it seems like you've put a lot of thought into their back stories and personalities. Just keep in mind that the reader doesn't know your characters the way you do yet. Introducing them at such a fast pace, with three completely distinct sets of characters in three chapters, isn't necessarily wrong to do, but since the chapters are short and the names and places are unfamiliar, there's a danger that the reader could feel lost.

 

You could consider some some options for mitigating this effect. For example, making the chapters more robust to give the characters time to interact and firm up their names and personalities in the minds of the reader, or to spread out the introductions over a larger number of chapters. Unlike in a TV show or a VN, where images help solidify the differences between characters and can even convey personality traits, in a purely written work the reader's mind needs time to anchor the characters and their traits.

 

Or if it eventually turns into a whole novel, you could do what George R. R. Martin does and include a whole list of characters and their relationships to each other that the reader can reference. I don't personally subscribe to that method, but in some cases it's almost necessary.

[Krictic]

"The moral arguments from both sides regarding the righteousness of slavery (or lack thereof) is obviously the lynchpin of the plot, and in that way this reminds me of the Heroic Legend of Arlsan. Not sure if you've seen it, but if you're bored you may want to check it out. The settings are opposite, but the underlying theme is similar."

 

Arslan Senki is one of the anime im watching right now, one of my inspirations, really, of course the situation is different,a s isthe setting, but some of the ideas presented interested me.
 

"I won't delve too deeply into the technical side of the writing, but I think it's worth mentioning that if you would like to increase your audience and get detailed feedback about your story, it's worth taking the time to do a serious edit to bring it up to a high technical standard to get more people interested. Don't be embarrassed to ask someone to do it for you if necessary. Most writers don't do their own editing, as it can be hard to see the trees for the forest (so to speak) when you're the one who has created the work. Instead of reading what you actually put on the page, it's very easy to only see the story as it exists in your head, since you already know what it's supposed to say."

My intention was first to let the ideas flow anturaly, then worrying about their editing and grammar,english isn´t my first language, so its also a way to train my fluency, i had to look at dictionaries more than once to search for some words to express what i meant, its harder than i thought.

But yes, once i have a greater volume of writting, i might call someone to help me with the editing, or do it myself.

"Just keep in mind that the reader doesn't know your characters the way you do yet. Introducing them at such a fast pace, with three completely distinct sets of characters in three chapters, isn't necessarily wrong to do, but since the chapters are short and the names and places are unfamiliar, there's a danger that the reader could feel lost."

I think you made a confusion, i rewrote the governor chapter, this is still chapter one, not chapter two, so ignore the old "governor chapter" (i wll keep it here, for reasons of archive), this is the one, give it or take, that im considering the "oficial one". so the only ones i presented the reader are Omar, Mahmloud and Mariah, they all will have  their participation in the story to come.

"You could consider some some options for mitigating this effect. For example, making the chapters more robust to give the characters time to interact and firm up their names and personalities in the minds of the reader, or to spread out the introductions over a larger number of chapters."

Yes, indeed i tend to "speed up" things more than it would be good for the reader, i will try to flesh out the chapters more in the future, bu i might have to use a different plataform of posting it, forums aren´t speacially suited for longer fiction, do you have suggestions?

"Unlike in a TV show or a VN, where images help solidify the differences between characters and can even convey personality traits, in a purely written work the reader's mind needs time to anchor the characters and their traits."

You mean i should describer their apearance? this is my biggest weakness as a writer, i have a really hard time putting into words expressions and facial features, i tend to leave it to the reader to imagine however he likes, the appearance of my characters, giving only the most basic appearance, but you may be right about this, i just don´t kn ow how to proceed based on this feedback.
 

"Or if it eventually turns into a whole novel, you could do what George R. R. Martin does and include a whole list of characters and their relationships to each other that the reader can reference. I don't personally subscribe to that method, but in some cases it's almost necessary."

Interestingly enough, i already did a partial list of the kind, describing relationships, personality traits and their role in the plot, i already have the ending written so i know were i am heading towards, also it is good that you mentions George Martin, because his writting style is something of a inspiration to me, his way to tell stories by POVs is very appealing to me and permits fr largers, more coplex web of stories and characters, something i strive for, because this is such an complex event, i couldn´t fixate myself into only one character, the protagonist, Sayyan. Im event hinking about not writing chapters on his POV because i want te reader to try to understan d his way of thinking without "reading" his mind, a sort of way fo constructing characters by drawing a "silhoutte" of him from the outside.

What do you think.

[mjriedstra]

"You mean i should describer their apearance?"

 

No, I didn't necessarily mean that you need to describe the characters more. I meant that because the reader has no visual references, we need more time with each character in order to solidly differentiate them in our minds.

 

 

"Im event hinking about not writing chapters on his POV because i want te reader to try to understan d his way of thinking without "reading" his mind, a sort of way fo constructing characters by drawing a "silhoutte" of him from the outside.

 

What do you think."

 

I think it's an interesting concept. It certainly will test your writing and the reader's imagination more if the "main" character is never a narrative/perspective character. I can't say whether it's right or wrong for your story since it will all come down to your execution. I do like the idea that you want to avoid "telling" the story directly through the character's thoughts. That will encourage you to "show" more of his actions from the perspectives of those around him.

 

 

"i might have to use a different plataform of posting it, forums aren´t speacially suited for longer fiction, do you have suggestions?"

 

I personally have published some work on Wattpad, which is currently the world's largest site for posting free fiction and getting readers and feedback. Fair warning that if you request criticism there, it may be harsh, but there's a huge and active community. I'll post the link to the Wattpad page of one of my works.

 

https://www.wattpad.com/story/6563621-no-life-to-lose

 

There's a forum there specifically for people to offer or receive help with their writing as well:

 

https://www.wattpad.com/club/27-improve-your-writing

[Krictic]

https://www.wattpad.com/story/6563621-no-life-to-lose

Is that yours?

[mjriedstra]

https://www.wattpad.com/story/6563621-no-life-to-lose

Is that yours?

 

Yes, it's a novel I wrote.