Ask a Fuwan (Advice thread)

[Nosebleed]

Online dating is just a different approach to the dating side of things, it's not some two headed beast, it's usually easier to get into due to a multitude of factors, although it can also have opposite effects in your social abptitude, especially if you start shutting yourself in said online relationship and don't try to progress it to a real life counterpart.

 

I can see why your therapist would recommend it, especially if you've never had much romantic contact before, an online approach is not a bad thing to try out, as long as you know exactly what you're getting into and don't allow yourself to build a wall around you to avoid real life contact. Online personas can be a terrible thing if you let them consume you.

 

Speaking from experience, I met a girl online some years back, we got along just fine texting and whatnot and we talked about all kinds of stuff, we didn't start dating online because we both felt like we needed to meet up in real life for that but we did ackowledge we had grown fond of each other. After some months I finally managed to find an opportunity to go visit her for the first time. I travelled all night for like 6 hours, it was pretty tiring, and when we finally met the next day for the first time I have to say I never experienced as much social awkwardness and anxiety as I did then. It is what one would call a disaster date and I have but myself to blame.

I'll spare you specifics, but needless to say we never did begin dating   (at least we're still good friends now and can look back and laugh at it). The point is, you really have to make sure if you're planning on developing any form of relationship skills, you can not shut yourself off behind a screen above all else, otherwise you'll go through shit like I did, opening up and going through awkward moments is part of growing up, and I think your therapist's advice is meant for you to try and open up with other people rather than shut yourself off so just keep that in mind when trying online dating.

[Tyrael]

 

Some people don't for whatever reason, possible reasons including being asexual.

 

Flutterz, that word doesn't mean what you think it means . Asexual can also mean that you don't want to have sex, for any reason. It doesn't  always mean you're not interested in romantic relationships . It's a complicated matter, regardless.

[rainsismyfav]

Online dating is really hard. You have to be willing to work to close off any physical distances, unless you luck out and find someone nearby. There's also the whole dual persona thing, where people act differently in real life than they do online. If you can survive the cons of online dating and manage to take it to the physical phase, well then mission-accomplished. I think the whole point of online dating is a head start to get to know each other. I think it's also less risk and requires less commitment (during the get-to-know-each-other online phase).

 

A good friend of mine made a fishing analogy where, online dating is like you casting a big net in the ocean. Be PREPARED to fail. Fail a lot until you find a better opportunity. So message many women that interests you on Tinder/OkCupid.

 

Another thing is that online dating is quite skewed; You're at the mercy of the girl replying to you most of the time (I guess it's like this in real life too??). But realistically, womens' inboxes gets filled with tons of competition. You'll have to charm them somehow with something special that you have that others don't.

 

If you go through it, Good Luck and Happy Hunting~

[Flutterz]

Flutterz, that word doesn't mean what you think it means . Asexual can also mean that you don't want to have sex, for any reason. It doesn't always mean you're not interested in romantic relationships

Depends on the specific person, some are also aromantic. It's just simpler to say asexual.

[Cyrillej1]

I think online dating can an okay method to meet other people or date.  Just have to make sure you're always aiming towards making it into a reality (meeting irl) and not just stuck in creating a fantasy forever. 

 

It's probably an easier way for introverts to meet, since can get to know someone a bit first before feeling comfortable to meet up.  Just have to be careful about who you meet, but that's pretty much similar to offline too.  I've actually met some people online before, just to eat out, movie or w/e as friends.  It can be awkward, but it wasn't too bad either.  It's like meeting any other stranger and trying to get to know them (except I already knew a bit of stuff about them already).

 

I feel like some connections with people online can be genuine, so it can be possible to transfer that to real life.

[TexasDice]

Statistics, demographies (demographics? I hate words.) and studies are just excuses. 

 

Online dating is just a means of engaging contact, like picking someone up in a bar or having a fateful encounter. Whether or not a relationship works out or not, depends on the people involved, not on a number. It's not a lottery. 

 

Here are some statistics I've defeated in my life:

"Children of divorced parents are more likely to commit suicide."

- Fuck you, I'm still living. And I have lot's of plans. 

 

"Obese/short (both in my case) teenagers have problems establishing relationships and often times end up being social outcasts."

- Fuck you, I have enough friends. I even got laid. Twice.

 

"Most students dropping down a level of education never climb up to that level again." (that's a german thing)

- Fuck you, because I did it.

 

"90% of all dieters regain the weight they lost within a year."

- Fuck you, I'm holding a more comfortable weight for almost 11 months now.

 

"1 out of 2 people will fail". Well in that case I just have to be the one. Live fighting or die trying! 

[Nosebleed]

Branching off of what I said earlier (in a sort of "advice I would give my old self" way) if you really want to go the relationship route and start with online dating, definitely make sure you've video called and can normally talk face to face with voice, this is one of the biggest hurdles to overcome for a lot of people and something I wish I had done back then (ah naive young me), but this guarantees that at the very least you're used to looking at each other in the eyes and having conversations which will help you prevent a lot of the awkwardness that would come once you meet up for the first time. You can take it slowly if you're not comfortable of course, but definitely make sure you can talk to each other properly without a keyboard inbetween you.

 

Anything other than this bare minimum is almost a guaranteed recipe for disaster once you meet up so you really have to make sure you can communicate properly without holding back much.

 

Lastly, just be yourself, always, don't force a persona onto you and relax, even if you don't go down the relationship route, I daresay you can still make good friends if you just let loose so even if you get rejected, never let it get you down.

 

Fun fact: After that disaster date I had we awkwardly said goodbye and she didn't answer any of my texts, needless to say I came to the conclusion everything was ruined basically immediately after we parted ways, but she was still nice to send me a text 2 weeks later apologizing and saying it didn't work out  I'm just glad I was self aware enough to know this without her having to break the news.

[starlessn1ght]

Can confirm, haven't been looking for 20 years, am hoping it will eventually happen by itself.

 

I have expressed my longing for a serious relationship for some time and while I do go out regularely my interests (table tennis, music, magic: the gathering and politics through my student association) make it so that I rarely get to meet new people, especially girls. As such, he suggested online dating in order for me to be able to meet new people.

 

 

Look, I just don't understand why you're looking for it. I've never fallen in love with someone because I wanted to. This is a natural feeling, I don't think looking for love will really be helpful, you're just forcing yourself into people.

 

And besides, there is no love without an object. If you want a relationship, you want a relationship with someone, because you're emotionally attached to her. If you're not attached to anyone emotionally, you have a rational reason to want love (money,loneliness, etc.). This would lead you to be in a relationship with someone you don't like, and everyone knows this is bad. Of course you can develop feelings with time, but you won't feel comfortable in the beginning and things can get pretty difficult if you don't like the person you're dating in a romantic way.

[Flutterz]

Statistics, demographies (demographics? I hate words.) and studies are just excuses. 

 

Online dating is just a means of engaging contact, like picking someone up in a bar or having a fateful encounter. Whether or not a relationship works out or not, depends on the people involved, not on a number. It's not a lottery. 

 

Here are some statistics I've defeated in my life:

"Children of divorced parents are more likely to commit suicide."

- Fuck you, I'm still living. And I have lot's of plans. 

 

"Obese/short (both in my case) teenagers have problems establishing relationships and often times end up being social outcasts."

- Fuck you, I have enough friends. I even got laid. Twice.

 

"Most students dropping down a level of education never climb up to that level again." (that's a german thing)

- Fuck you, because I did it.

 

"90% of all dieters regain the weight they lost within a year."

- Fuck you, I'm holding a more comfortable weight for almost 11 months now.

 

"1 out of 2 people will fail". Well in that case I just have to be the one. Live fighting or die trying! 

For every person like you who beats the odds, there are several people who don't. I hope you're happy.

 

Although I agree that a 50% divorce rate is a pretty lame reason to give up

 

 

 

Look, I just don't understand why you're looking for it. I've never fallen in love with someone because I wanted to. This is a natural feeling, I don't think looking for love will really be helpful, you're just forcing yourself into people.

 

And besides, there is no love without an object. If you want a relationship, you want a relationship with someone, because you're emotionally attached to her. If you're not attached to anyone emotionally, you have a rational reason to want love (money,loneliness, etc.). This would lead you to be in a relationship with someone you don't like, and everyone knows this is bad. Of course you can develop feelings with time, but you won't feel comfortable in the beginning and things can get pretty difficult if you don't like the person you're dating in a romantic way.

 

I did specifically say I wasn't looking...

[TexasDice]

For every person like you who beats the odds, there are several people who don't. I hope you're happy.

Those people are weak and deserve their fate. Damn right I am. 

[starlessn1ght]

 

I did specifically say I wasn't looking...

 

 

The advice was not for you, duh. I quoted you because you brought up the subject.

[Fiddle]

Here are some statistics I've defeated in my life:

"Children of divorced parents are more likely to commit suicide."

- Fuck you, I'm still living. And I have lot's of plans. 

 

"Obese/short (both in my case) teenagers have problems establishing relationships and often times end up being social outcasts."

- Fuck you, I have enough friends. I even got laid. Twice.

 

"Most students dropping down a level of education never climb up to that level again." (that's a german thing)

- Fuck you, because I did it.

 

"90% of all dieters regain the weight they lost within a year."

- Fuck you, I'm holding a more comfortable weight for almost 11 months now.

 

"1 out of 2 people will fail". Well in that case I just have to be the one. Live fighting or die trying! 

[blahblahblahxxx]

As our lolicon god some random noob posted in the confessions thread:

 

 

So, time for a dedicated advice thread. Have something you want random strangers on the internet's opinions on? Want some useless amazing advice from a bunch of trained experts random fuwans? Well, you're in luck. Just share your questions here!

 

 

I'll start: My therapist has suggested I start with online dating. However, I have very little experience with dating in general and I was wondering if it's a good idea or not. If so, how should I go about it?

Don't steal my idea and then call me a noob. Call me a noob again and I'll cut your balls off with a scissor.

 

 

You realize that most relationships (online or not) don't work out, right?  What percentage of romantic relationships do you think lead to marriage?  My guess is somewhere in the 10% or less range.  I'd like to suggest you're a victim of confirmation bias.

 

 

Being in the same boat, I suppose I have some expertise in this area.  Relationship prospects are pretty bleak for someone on the spectrum.  Keep in mind that 50% of marriages in the general population end in divorce.  For people with Asperger's, the divorce rate is 80%.  So even if you find that special someone, your chances of actually holding the relationship together are very bleak.  Sorry for the bad news, but it's important to have realistic expectations.

 

This message has been brought to you by sanahtlig: shattering hopes and dreams, one bit of advice at a time.

Way to be supportive. Tyrael asked for advice, not for his hopes and dreams to be torn apart.

 

 

As for the dating situation, don't use your aspergers as an excuse. It may be uncomfortable to explore new things, and I do understand that it's something you can't help, but if you really wanna meet someone, push yourself a little (not that I'm saying you haven't been). Ask your friends to set you up. If you have a job, there's plenty of people to meet through there. Dunno if you still go to school, but that's also a great place to meet people. I took Japanese 101 and made many friends. A common interest brings people together. There's no reason to not try online dating. My cousin met someone on eHarmony and got married to the guy. We all love him. So I don't see why people think it's so terrible.

[sirjabberwock]

Branching off of what I said earlier (in a sort of "advice I would give my old self" way) if you really want to go the relationship route and start with online dating, definitely make sure you've video called and can normally talk face to face with voice, this is one of the biggest hurdles to overcome for a lot of people and something I wish I had done back then (ah naive young me), but this guarantees that at the very least you're used to looking at each other in the eyes and having conversations which will help you prevent a lot of the awkwardness that would come once you meet up for the first time. You can take it slowly if you're not comfortable of course, but definitely make sure you can talk to each other properly without a keyboard inbetween you.

 

Anything other than this bare minimum is almost a guaranteed recipe for disaster once you meet up so you really have to make sure you can communicate properly without holding back much.

This. Video chatting is great for becoming comfortable with anyone tbh, not just a prospective "significant other." It is a huge hurdle to climb over, but it dissolves awkwardness with time and really helps you with interpersonal skills.

 

My only "advice" would be to push yourself and attack your fears. The natural high you get from conquering the things that scare you the most is incredible. Also, long distance relationships are hell if they stay long distance too long.

[sanahtlig]

 

Although I agree that a 50% divorce rate is a pretty lame reason to give up

An 80% divorce rate is a very good reason to moderate expectations.  It suggests one would need to marry 5 people to find the one relationship that works out in the end (or alternatively, that a large proportion of people fail to ever hold a relationship together).  There's a difference between having a "can-do" attitude, and simply closing your eyes to an unpleasant reality.  If you're going to fight an uphill battle, first you must recognize that you're fighting the odds, and therefore an uncommon amount of effort (and sacrifice) will be necessary.

 

 

Way to be supportive. Tyrael asked for advice, not for his hopes and dreams to be torn apart.

Inner strength comes from recognizing obstacles and persevering despite them--not covering your eyes and stumbling over them because you didn't know any better.

[Zenophilious]

As our lolicon god some random noob posted in the confessions thread

What, has Flutterz dethroned Steve?  When was the official coup?

 

I'll start: My therapist has suggested I start with online dating. However, I have very little experience with dating in general and I was wondering if it's a good idea or not. If so, how should I go about it?

First off, lemme say this: if your therapist suggests that you do something you don't feel comfortable doing, tell them.  They're people, and can make mistakes too    I've done so a few times with mine, and he doesn't take it personally or anything.  He's a chill dude.

 

Why not?  Don't go in with high expectations, though.  The sites will try and get you to believe that you will find the person you're gonna marry, have five kids with and die together with on their site, but personally, I haven't seen people get many long-term relationships through a dating site (not saying it's impossible or anything).  It could be a good social experience, but again, don't expect to see Ms. Right or anything.

[sanahtlig]

Dating is a competition, especially in the early stages.  With online dating sites, it's just a lot more obvious.  Unfortunately, there's an imbalance of very desperate males competing over a (generally) smaller pool of females, which makes for a frustrating situation for both sexes.

[LiquidShu]

Do you know how many useless questions that I ask or even post topics about? Thank God for this thread. Expect me to post here often...

*cough* can a mod merge this post and the one below it? Thanks.
 

 

I'll continue: I'm considering limiting my fapping to four times a day, but I fear I may not be ready for such a gargantuan task. Any tips?

Advice was already give to this but recently every time I feel the urge out of context (like when I am reading a VN and a h-scene pops up) I stop my self and start doing push ups, running in place, sit ups, or jumping jacks. I also tell myself what a disgusting perv I am and that seems to give me more motivation

Edited May 27, 2015 by Down
Leaving the mention for shame

[Rabbit]

I'll start: My therapist has suggested I start with online dating. However, I have very little experience with dating in general and I was wondering if it's a good idea or not. If so, how should I go about it?

I don't have any experience with online dating or just dating but i'd say it's worth giving it a try, the chances aren't zero that you meet your chosen one, nor are they high but they never are and aslong as the chances are there i'd say go for it aslong as you want to and know what you are getting into.

 

 

I'll continue: I'm considering limiting my fapping to four times a day, but I fear I may not be ready for such a gargantuan task. Any tips?

 

Limit it to twice a week and you will be in heaven two times a week. 

[Kosakyun]

Interesting thread.

 

All I have to say about this 'online dating' stuff is that you should try it for yourself first, if you feel like it's worth giving a shot. Or you can just wait for that appropriate time to come.

[Tyrael]

Thanks guys, you've given me tons of things to think about

 

Anyone else have any questions? Don't be shy

[Yuuko]

I have too many VNs to read! HALP! Is this good question?

[TexasDice]

The only VNs I haven't read yet, are all chuuni. I also need halp!

[sanahtlig]

The only VNs I haven't read yet, are all chuuni. I also need halp!

Time to learn Japanese.

 

I have too many VNs to read! HALP! Is this good question?

Limit yourself to English VNs.

[Mr Poltroon]

Limit yourself to English VNs.

My apologies, I still have far too many VN's to read, although most of them are terrible. 

 

 

What's with all this divorcing? I have never met anyone whose parents got divorced or are divorced themselves. (Except that neighbor whose husband left for Brasil, stranding her with huge debts).