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Ask a Fuwan (Advice thread)


Tyrael

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Well, maybe it's just because I haven't given it a chance in a while. The last time I tried was back in high school, and my mentality has changed a lot since then. First thing's first, I need to get myself out of the rut I'm in. I've been holed up in my room for so long that the thought of getting a job and leaving the house makes me kinda anxious. I pulled myself together enough to put in one application, but I went back to my usual after that attempt. It doesn't help that I'm collecting money from disability either. I could see mental health if I wanted to, but even that has been a task and a half for me to set up (mentally). Somehow I feel more comfortable talking about my problems here than with a specialist. ._.

Do little things and build it up. Maybe go out for some shopping at a small corner shop or something first and build up from there.

 

Get two mattresses and push them together.

 

Be honest. (Man I just imagined it, and that's brutal.) 

Yea, I would be honest, but I don't want to be an asshat ;~; 

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Just to give a posative boost to the aspies on here:

I'm not aspie (though I am in the 'neurodiverse' group since I have dyslexia and ADD), but I have dated one before, and it was one of the better relationships I've been in, and the only reason we broke up was because he wasn't in a good situation to be in a relationship, which had nothing to do with his aspergers. So don't give up hope, some of us get on oddly well people with aspergers/autism :)  

 

This is so heartwarming, thank you for your kind words :sachi:

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Do little things and build it up. Maybe go out for some shopping at a small corner shop or something first and build up from there.

I actually do go shopping roughly once a month, but it doesn't feel like it helps me much. I'm use to doing stuff like that since I lived on my own for a couple years. It might also have something to do with the last job I had in over-the-phone customer service. On my last day working there, I had an anxiety fit and ended up quitting in the middle of my shift. No matter how much I tried, I could never get use to working in a fast-paced environment and multitasking. I held on to the job for a while, but the work evaluations were finally getting to me and I just couldn't handle it. It's not that going out is a problem for me, but the only time I'm interested in leaving home is when I have money to spend. Since I don't make a lot with just my disability pay, I end up spending most of it on food, rent, my cell phone bill, and the small remainder on games. Another problem is that my current lifestyle is really comfortable (even if it's not something I'm content with).

 

Sorry if I'm being difficult. :( I feel like I've been keeping things bottled in for too long and I just want to get out of this. I've been kinda distancing myself from my irl friends too. I really do appreciate you taking the time to give me suggestions though. :)

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I actually do go shopping roughly once a month, but it doesn't feel like it helps me much. I'm use to doing stuff like that since I lived on my own for a couple years. It might also have something to do with the last job I had in over-the-phone customer service. On my last day working there, I had an anxiety fit and ended up quitting in the middle of my shift. No matter how much I tried, I could never get use to working in a fast-paced environment and multitasking. I held on to the job for a while, but the work evaluations were finally getting to me and I just couldn't handle it. It's not that going out is a problem for me, but the only time I'm interested in leaving home is when I have money to spend. Since I don't make a lot with just my disability pay, I end up spending most of it on food, rent, my cell phone bill, and the small remainder on games. Another problem is that my current lifestyle is really comfortable (even if it's not something I'm content with).

 

Sorry if I'm being difficult. :( I feel like I've been keeping things bottled in for too long and I just want to get out of this. I've been kinda distancing myself from my irl friends too. I really do appreciate you taking the time to give me suggestions though. :)

Ahh, that is a predicument you have there.

If I may, I have another suggestion:

write down what it is exactly what you want to do, it can be anything, it doesn't even have to be 'get a job', it can be something like 'meet up with friends more often' or 'find a hobby'.

And then make a list of how to get there, of small steps, that way, you have a goal in mind, and it can be a huge motivator if you feel like your doing something towards it :)

If you want to do that, feel free to PM me if you need help with it, my door is pretty much always open ^^

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My problem: Every time I share a bed with the bf, the side that I'm on puffs up and makes it really uncomfortable to sleep up (and I get a bad back) cause he's heavier than me and I can't sleep closer to him to be comfortable cause he's like a human volcano. How do I sort this without hurting his feelings? 

 

Sleep in different beds, and if you don't want to hurt his feelings then lie about the reason. An increasing number of couples (in Western countries) sleep in different beds these days, although there's no accurate figures out there. Some studies say 15% of couples never sleep in the same bed, others say it's closer to 30 or 40%. The reasons are many - snoring, too much tossing and turning, someone's a very light sleeper etc etc. 

 

Sleep's important.

 

Heh, my parents no longer sleep in the same room let alone the same bed. Father snores... really loudly.....

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You know, that's a really great idea. If there's one thing that serves as a limiting factor to my level of interaction, it's my computer. I spend an average of 13 or so hours a day on it, so what I'll try doing is cutting that time down by an hour every 3 days until I get it to about 4 hours. I've also taken up Japanese lessons on memrise, but I can try switching from my computer to a mobile app since I'm less prone to distractions on my phone. For the rest of the time, I'll try getting more into taking walks outside and maybe watching some TV with my family and eventually try to get with my friends. Thanks, Rinima, I'll let you know if I need anything else. :)

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Sleep in different beds, and if you don't want to hurt his feelings then lie about the reason. An increasing number of couples (in Western countries) sleep in different beds these days, although there's no accurate figures out there. Some studies say 15% of couples never sleep in the same bed, others say it's closer to 30 or 40%. The reasons are many - snoring, too much tossing and turning, someone's a very light sleeper etc etc. 

 

Sleep's important.

 

Heh, my parents no longer sleep in the same room let alone the same bed. Father snores... really loudly.....

I guess that would work if there was more beds to sleep on (I should have mentioned that we don't live together and he lives with his parent's, as do I). But the floor would probably be better than this :( 

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You know, that's a really great idea. If there's one thing that serves as a limiting factor to my level of interaction, it's my computer. I spend an average of 13 or so hours a day on it, so what I'll try doing is cutting that time down by an hour every 3 days until I get it to about 4 hours. I've also taken up Japanese lessons on memrise, but I can try switching from my computer to a mobile app since I'm less prone to distractions on my phone. For the rest of the time, I'll try getting more into taking walks outside and maybe watching some TV with my family. Thanks, Rinima, I'll let you know if I need anything else. :)

I'm glad I've helped! Good luck with your goal :3 

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I guess that would work if there was more beds to sleep on (I should have mentioned that we don't live together and he lives with his parent's, as do I). But the floor would probably be better than this :(

 

Ah. Balls. That's awkward.

 

Well, going by what you're saying he's a little overweight. The only other option (I can think of) would be to try and get him to lose a few kilos? Tell him it's for his own benefit and well-being, and you're just worried about his health? So try and get him to eat healthier whenever you're around, and go for cycling rides together... up many hills.

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Ah. Balls. That's awkward.

 

Well, going by what you're saying he's a little overweight. The only other option (I can think of) would be to try and get him to lose a few kilos? Tell him it's for his own benefit and well-being, and you're just worried about his health? So try and get him to eat healthier whenever you're around, and go for cycling rides together... up many hills.

Ha, his ex tried to get him to drop weed. Got dumped, not sure I want that XD I'm sure I'll live. I'll just take a air mattress with me :)

 

And on the topic of him being slightly overwight, I actually have a small confession to make...

I'm not really to attracted to him, we've never done 'it' and if I'm honest, the idea of doing 'it' with him make me feel a little uncomfortable. 

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I guess that would work if there was more beds to sleep on (I should have mentioned that we don't live together and he lives with his parent's, as do I). But the floor would probably be better than this :(

"Honey, I'm going Japanese style tonight. I just hear it's better for your back!" 

Purchase a thin futon for the floor and bring your blanky and pillow. I slept 28 days carrying around a roll up futon and it was very comfy. 

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Well, going by what you're saying he's a little overweight. The only other option (I can think of) would be to try and get him to lose a few kilos? Tell him it's for his own benefit and well-being, and you're just worried about his health? So try and get him to eat healthier whenever you're around, and go for cycling rides together... up many hills.

I somehow think that nagging him to lose weight is the least efficient way to solve this problem (and the most likely to fail).

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@Tyrael

If you do decide to try this online dating stuff, tell us about it :). I'll be curious how it goes.

I am currently trying to date someone online at the moment. There are frustrating times. Most of it stems from the physical distance and speculation of the unknown (both positive and negative speculations). Basically, the relationship is stuck in a fantasy idea until it becomes physical. It can get nerve-wracking thinking too much about the hypotheticals. I once got consumed by negativity one time and it is not a good feeling at all... My current and only approach is optimism and it is really the only viable approach when it comes to online dating. You have to work hard to make it happen in the future (aka close the distance) and optimism certainly helps. Depending on who you meet this can go from easy to hard to almost impossible. Imagine dating someone in Australia when you're in the US; I know someone like this. Needless to say, one of you would have to be financially capable of making the move.

And a fellow fuwan has given this same advice before: Never keep it in online dating forever.. Unless that's your end-goal.
For me, online dating feels so vain. In the end you're still empty. Online dating just gives you an opportunity to pre-select who you want to pursue and work hard for.
It's very risky because you will never know how you will click with your significant other in real life... until you actually meet. Just hope that good chemistry online translates to offline.


Some Real life examples of people who successfully did it on top of my head:

Pewdiepie (youtuber), who flew from Sweden to Italy.
And Ixrec (a VN translator) who flew from California to England.


Just my two-cents

 

P.S: I plan to meet mine in like 3-4 months.

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I think this idea that online dating has to involve a long-distance relationship is a weird misconception.  It's perfectly viable to use an online dating site to hook up with someone that lives locally.  The concept that going to a bar to meet random people is more effective than using a specially designed venue seems kind of silly to me.

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All of my best friends IRL right now are the result of them being the ones who for some reason thought I was an interesting person and so they stuck around & interacted with me more until I eventually got comfortable around them and opened up myself.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I make acquaintances. Kind of... exist, and at some point they appear. o_O

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@Tyrael

If you do decide to try this online dating stuff, tell us about it :). I'll be curious how it goes.

I am currently trying to date someone online at the moment. There are frustrating times. Most of it stems from the physical distance and speculation of the unknown (both positive and negative speculations). Basically, the relationship is stuck in a fantasy idea until it becomes physical. It can get nerve-wracking thinking too much about the hypotheticals. I once got consumed by negativity one time and it is not a good feeling at all... My current and only approach is optimism and it is really the only viable approach when it comes to online dating. You have to work hard to make it happen in the future (aka close the distance) and optimism certainly helps. Depending on who you meet this can go from easy to hard to almost impossible. Imagine dating someone in Australia when you're in the US; I know someone like this. Needless to say, one of you would have to be financially capable of making the move.

And a fellow fuwan has given this same advice before: Never keep it in online dating forever.. Unless that's your end-goal.

For me, online dating feels so vain. In the end you're still empty. Online dating just gives you an opportunity to pre-select who you want to pursue and work hard for.

It's very risky because you will never know how you will click with your significant other in real life... until you actually meet. Just hope that good chemistry online translates to offline.

Some Real life examples of people who successfully did it on top of my head:

Pewdiepie (youtuber), who flew from Sweden to Italy.

And Ixrec (a VN translator) who flew from California to England.

Just my two-cents

 

P.S: I plan to meet mine in like 3-4 months.

 

I'm going over to a friends house next week to look it over (he has a lot of dating experience so he's helping me out) and we'll see how it goes :sachi:

 

Good luck to you!

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I've tried online dating in the past and there's no luck. I'm just unphotogenic and my personality doesn't shine through in words. Plus I just think it caters to a different type of audience online. I'm short and I know most females write me off at the first sight of 172 cm in my area. 

 

Hooking up is fine, though I stopped considering picking up someone from a bar and actually dating them. There's better options. But a bar is a fine place for people to loosen up due to the music, alcohol and relaxed lighting etc.. that online dating doesn't have. It's another world. Plus making friends at the bar when you become a regular can make it like a second home. I love going back and talking to the different people there. Imagine Fuwanovel had alcohol and live music; and every once in a while a lady walks in to catch everyones fancy. You're the single guy and all your married friends pushes you to hook up with that lady. It's a lot of fun to me compared to the mechanical looks of online dating. Consider me old fashion! 

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I am currently trying to date someone online at the moment. There are frustrating times. Most of it stems from the physical distance and speculation of the unknown (both positive and negative speculations). Basically, the relationship is stuck in a fantasy idea until it becomes physical. It can get nerve-wracking thinking too much about the hypotheticals. I once got consumed by negativity one time and it is not a good feeling at all... My current and only approach is optimism and it is really the only viable approach when it comes to online dating. You have to work hard to make it happen in the future (aka close the distance) and optimism certainly helps. Depending on who you meet this can go from easy to hard to almost impossible. Imagine dating someone in Australia when you're in the US; I know someone like this. Needless to say, one of you would have to be financially capable of making the move.

I wish you luck man, I can sympathize with that situation pretty well. Where are they from?

~5 likes~

Ok good I'm not the only one.

Fuwans, halp. How2interact with strangers :vinty:

It's weird for me because I have a desire to interact / make friends with people but at the same time I don't >.>

There isn't a cut-and-paste methodology to making friends or interacting. I'm awful at interacting with strangers but am an amazing friend once I become comfortable with people. You just have to put yourself out there, plain and simple (although you don't want to come off as plain and it isn't simple :P)

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I wish you luck man, I can sympathize with that situation pretty well. Where are they from?

 

I'm not mentioning the state but she's US at least.

 

I'm at the stage of my life where it's good for me to venture and take risks. All the gears are almost in place. I just have to be patient~

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When I was much younger I witnessed one of the prettier girls at school ask out one of the nerdier and less attractive students, and then saw her get rejected, so there's not really many rules or such.

 

Lol, the conversation has probably long past the relevance of this comment, but I am that guy. You know, the nerdy guy who rejects the attractive popular girl. Albeit physically I don't think I look so nerdy, but my personality and interests definitely are; and that's why I did it. I think people commonly think that a nerd/geek/(otaku in my case) would go out with an attractive and popular girl given the opportunity. But the problem is that we are too different. Her friends, hobbies, and personality don't align with mine. I would be an alien and would socially feel uncomfortable around her (or maybe not her, but definitely I would feel uncomfortable around her friends). I would rather have a slightly (emphasis on the word slightly as I do have my limits) less attractive girl who matched my personality, than a girl with whom we only shared mutual lust. And my actions have reflected this belief.    

 

The only real problem is that there is a girl who I think I would be a good match with, but I haven't had the opportunity (nor do I have the balls to make the opportunity happen) to do anything about it. But I fully acknowledged that this is completely my fault for my own spinelessness. 

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Apologies but my experiences (although not extensive) would say otherwise. Just because you're surrounded with like-minded people doesn't mean that's the only type of person out there. sanahtlig mentioned it a few pages ago regarding a different issue, but this is a prime example of confirmation bias. 

No, no, don't apologize. Upon reading my comment again, I realized that I sounded so ignorant and stupid. I honestly am not biased. I could care less if someone has aspergers, as long as he's cool and we're into the same stuff. I dunno whatt my problem was that day.

 

Which brings me to a question, how do you guys calm down and keep your mouths shut when you're salty? I have a problem with speaking my mind even if I shouldn't, which also makes my words sound extra aggressive even when I don't mean to be.

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~5 likes~

 

Ok good I'm not the only one.

 

Fuwans, halp. How2interact with strangers :vinty:

 

It's weird for me because I have a desire to interact / make friends with people but at the same time I don't >.>

 

Hey Eclipsed I'm plain and not simple lets be friends  :sachi:

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No, no, don't apologize. Upon reading my comment again, I realized that I sounded so ignorant and stupid. I honestly am not biased. I could care less if someone has aspergers, as long as he's cool and we're into the same stuff. I dunno whatt my problem was that day.

 

Which brings me to a question, how do you guys calm down and keep your mouths shut when you're salty? I have a problem with speaking my mind even if I shouldn't, which also makes my words sound extra aggressive even when I don't mean to be.

Ooh, something I actually have some experience in! When it's on the internet it's pretty easy, just close your browser or put away your phone or whatever when you feel you're pissed and might say things you wouldn't normally say. Probably a bit harder IRL, but I find people are usually calmer IRL.

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No, no, don't apologize. Upon reading my comment again, I realized that I sounded so ignorant and stupid. I honestly am not biased. I could care less if someone has aspergers, as long as he's cool and we're into the same stuff. I dunno whatt my problem was that day.

 

Which brings me to a question, how do you guys calm down and keep your mouths shut when you're salty? I have a problem with speaking my mind even if I shouldn't, which also makes my words sound extra aggressive even when I don't mean to be.

I actually have the opposite problem xD.  Even when I know I should say things, I sometimes hold back in fear of hurting people's feelings or coming off too aggressive.

 

For me, when something upsets me a lot.. I remove myself from the situation for some time to calm down.  After I've calmed down and thought things over a bit, that's when I'll try to confront if I feel the need to.  If you are typing something out of anger or w/e, before you press Post, make sure you re-read and re-think a bit before you're sure you want to post it.  You may realize it's not worth the trouble getting so worked up over what people say sometimes.  Just ignore.

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