Nintaidou

why the hell does the first pic look like a modern Marcus Garvey? dafuq. Still fly though. 
 
holy crap....... i thought you were a Chihuahua. Pomeranians master race cuz dem ears, dat snout, oh lawd the eyes. The human is ugly though, you should change him 

Welcome to the Fuwa community!
I'm fond of happy-feeling VN's as well.

Welcome to Fuwa!
Though it feels a bit weird for me to say that, since I always thought you've been here for a while, though how I came to that conclusion is beyond me 
Anyways good luck on your novel!  The first one to hit a satisfaction mark is always hard, rest should come naturally

Welcome to the forums! Hope you enjoy your stay!
How long have you been reading Japanese?
Have a moe:

I could break it down the way I did in writing community (Go through the whole structure, sentence composition, writing style, impression and grammar), but I reckon it'd be better if I kept it short for now. Your draft feels either rushed or too rough, you threw out the general outline of what you wanted to write down from your head and moved on, ultimately leaving out any fleshing out of details or attention to the flow of your story. The dialogues are simple and lacking description on how characters carry it out, from my impression it was like reading a rough dialogue from B-C class anime, especially the way you presented the fundamentals of exchanges themselves. In writing world, they call this "abundance of Tell", meaning you push your story forward by stating the bare minimum (skeleton). What this could definitely use is an intelligent infusion of "Show", meaning you show the reader more closely the details on how exactly something happened. 
Now, keep in mind the reader takes about 3 to 5 minutes to judge the worth of the story and whether to really continue or not. The way you start your story is like simply and plainly being told generic settings of a story by somebody during a banter, nobody much would really pay it much mind, not to mention the feelings of "plain" would barely draw in many. What you're lacking there is what's called a "hook", so called reason for the reader to be actually interested in your story and bother with it. There are many ways of using a "hook", it can even be a "reverse hook", and it's not exactly a 100% necessity, but I do reckon the way your story's carried out in the first chapter thus far is unimpressive and won't go far. You get to the interesting part late and don't flesh it out.
I could perhaps elaborate more on what I meant and perhaps give some examples, but I'd leave that up to you whether you want to listen to my criticism or not and how you'd like to improve. I'm stern in criticism and I might be wrong, but I'm honest when it comes to my standpoint. Your works feels like "japanised" novel, namely by anime and some perks of japanese light novels, and I reckon that's not now a novel is carried out. You have just plain text there, your whole writing and how others accept it rides on that text, and you should keep that in mind, try and see your writing from the reader's view. I hope I've helped you a bit.
Good luck and have fun in writing,
Nintaidou~ 

Nintaidou is a personal construct of two japanese words, the meaning is "Way (dou) of Perseverance (nintai)". The nickname's a statement and a reminder =)

I think I've seen you around but still, welcome to Fuwa Nin (is it okay to call you that?  ) also having a VNDB is quite handy for when others are trying to give you recommendations or to keep track of things you have played, keep an organized wishlist or track releases that are coming among some. 
See you around man, enjoy your time here on Fuwa  

Welcome to Fuwanovel, and nice to meet you here. I don't know about writing here other than good luck on your most recent project, but if you need some specific VN recommendation here you could ask us here. Hope you enjoy yourself here.

I'm going to do that Nintaidou and I like your avatar myself

Welcome! Like I do with most new folks, I'd encourage you to make a VNDB account and link it to your profile.
Also, very nice avatar.

Hello Nintaidou and it's nice to meet you
Welcome to fuwa and I hope you have fun time here
I like write myself self at I'm not good to Write in English but I'm trying my best.

Greetings, folks!
I've been hanging around the chat for a few days now, so some already know me, but putting that aside, I'd like to shortly introduce myself to a community of fellow VN readers =)
I live in Czech Republic and am going to finish University (Bachelor) this year. I've read over 60 VN titles, so I suppose I've been at it for quite a while. I usually read them in Japanese, but I'd like to point out I'm not fluent in Japanese enough to easily read Kanji. I'm rather fond of heartwarming or simply happy VNs (doesn't extend to whole VN content, but I appreciate being rewarded by the ending), and I absolutely detest VNs that have anything to do with Guro or similar monstrosities. I do though read bittersweet VNs at times, so that topic's not beyond me.
I'm fairly knowledgeable in books too and am a vivid gamer (usually games that have a story to it). I've been writing some novels myself, but due to perfectionist strikes and low self-esteem, I eventually ended up tearing them apart except for my most recent project, that I'm rather determined to finish without tearing it apart. I've been a part of YWS (Young Writers Society) for a while and am fairly confident in my criticism and writing skills, so if anybody wants to share or have a discussion over writing, I'd gladly keep some company. 
I figure that's enough for a short hello  
 
Thank you for your company,
Nintaidou~

Greetings, folks!
I've been hanging around the chat for a few days now, so some already know me, but putting that aside, I'd like to shortly introduce myself to a community of fellow VN readers =)
I live in Czech Republic and am going to finish University (Bachelor) this year. I've read over 60 VN titles, so I suppose I've been at it for quite a while. I usually read them in Japanese, but I'd like to point out I'm not fluent in Japanese enough to easily read Kanji. I'm rather fond of heartwarming or simply happy VNs (doesn't extend to whole VN content, but I appreciate being rewarded by the ending), and I absolutely detest VNs that have anything to do with Guro or similar monstrosities. I do though read bittersweet VNs at times, so that topic's not beyond me.
I'm fairly knowledgeable in books too and am a vivid gamer (usually games that have a story to it). I've been writing some novels myself, but due to perfectionist strikes and low self-esteem, I eventually ended up tearing them apart except for my most recent project, that I'm rather determined to finish without tearing it apart. I've been a part of YWS (Young Writers Society) for a while and am fairly confident in my criticism and writing skills, so if anybody wants to share or have a discussion over writing, I'd gladly keep some company. 
I figure that's enough for a short hello  
 
Thank you for your company,
Nintaidou~

High-five, Kiri

Sounds amazing. I'll definitely be waiting for it. Keep it up and good day to you.

Nintaidou my new friend  

Oh! Another writer! Sounds great! I actually write things too! What kind of writing do you do exactly? Will you release your latest work? I definitely would love having a discussion with you some day, seems like you're an interesting fellow.
Welcome to Fuwanovel, cheers and have a very nice day. Hope I hear from you more.
 

We've met a while ago, but welcome nonetheless
It's good to see more Japanese readers and moege-enthusiasts
See you around

hey there, nintaidou! nice to meetcha! i hope you continue to enjoy your time here.

Greetings, folks!
I've been hanging around the chat for a few days now, so some already know me, but putting that aside, I'd like to shortly introduce myself to a community of fellow VN readers =)
I live in Czech Republic and am going to finish University (Bachelor) this year. I've read over 60 VN titles, so I suppose I've been at it for quite a while. I usually read them in Japanese, but I'd like to point out I'm not fluent in Japanese enough to easily read Kanji. I'm rather fond of heartwarming or simply happy VNs (doesn't extend to whole VN content, but I appreciate being rewarded by the ending), and I absolutely detest VNs that have anything to do with Guro or similar monstrosities. I do though read bittersweet VNs at times, so that topic's not beyond me.
I'm fairly knowledgeable in books too and am a vivid gamer (usually games that have a story to it). I've been writing some novels myself, but due to perfectionist strikes and low self-esteem, I eventually ended up tearing them apart except for my most recent project, that I'm rather determined to finish without tearing it apart. I've been a part of YWS (Young Writers Society) for a while and am fairly confident in my criticism and writing skills, so if anybody wants to share or have a discussion over writing, I'd gladly keep some company. 
I figure that's enough for a short hello  
 
Thank you for your company,
Nintaidou~

Greetings, folks!
I've been hanging around the chat for a few days now, so some already know me, but putting that aside, I'd like to shortly introduce myself to a community of fellow VN readers =)
I live in Czech Republic and am going to finish University (Bachelor) this year. I've read over 60 VN titles, so I suppose I've been at it for quite a while. I usually read them in Japanese, but I'd like to point out I'm not fluent in Japanese enough to easily read Kanji. I'm rather fond of heartwarming or simply happy VNs (doesn't extend to whole VN content, but I appreciate being rewarded by the ending), and I absolutely detest VNs that have anything to do with Guro or similar monstrosities. I do though read bittersweet VNs at times, so that topic's not beyond me.
I'm fairly knowledgeable in books too and am a vivid gamer (usually games that have a story to it). I've been writing some novels myself, but due to perfectionist strikes and low self-esteem, I eventually ended up tearing them apart except for my most recent project, that I'm rather determined to finish without tearing it apart. I've been a part of YWS (Young Writers Society) for a while and am fairly confident in my criticism and writing skills, so if anybody wants to share or have a discussion over writing, I'd gladly keep some company. 
I figure that's enough for a short hello  
 
Thank you for your company,
Nintaidou~