I’m so very sorry in advance for this incredibly long wall of text
I’m in my last semester, and am about to graduate soon. You know how things are when you’re about to graduate: hectic, tons of exams and tons of stuffs that you need to sort out.
For a background, I’m not exactly the brightest person in my class – I’m a loner, and I’m just not exactly the best in engaging with any form of face-to-face communication. I have anxiety disorder and I get panic attacks at school sometimes thanks to the overwhelming anxiety and how I’m paranoid 24/7. Thanks to this, I’m perceived as a weird, disgusting student by my classmates. When they are having fun with themselves, I’m just reading my books at the corner, because that’s what I’m most comfortable with in doing. It doesn’t help that most of them are so self-centered and literally every of them belongs to a “group” or basically their own circle of friends. I don’t belong to any of them. Everyone thinks I’m disgusting and weird. I have very low self-esteem, I’m awkward, and my mental illness is also making everything worse. Even when I tell my problems to irl people around me – their responses would just be “That’s just because you don’t talk with them” or “You can fix that by socializing with them more”, and, gosh, how do you even talk with them when they’ve hated everything about you already? – People around me only say such advices which are easier to say than done, and sometimes they also reprimand me thanks to my incompetence, and it isn’t exactly helpful.
Now, as I’ve mentioned before, there’ll be so many exams to be done; and some are for my graduation passing grades. Some of these are done in “practice” instead of writing exams. It all comes down to group work. Now, usually I’d have no problem as most lecturers decide on the group and its members/etc on their own, but in this case we actually have the luxury to decide it ourselves. Girls and boys are divided. I’m a girl, and, here’s the thing; each group consists of 6 people. There are a total of 25 girls, including me, at my class. Obviously, I’m the odd one being left out, and no one wants to have me in their group.
Another background: this particular lecturer for the subject I’m talking about hates me, and one day, when I opened up with her about the problem hoping for some advices, she just instead resorted to giving me the same, unhelpful response that everyone else had also been saying: “That’s because you don’t talk with them.” And, that’s not even the worst part – she just had to poke fun at my “abnormal” mental state and even told it to the other lecturers who were around when I came to her. “Look at her, she’s so weird and doesn’t have any friends.”
I can still remember vividly the weird, questioning looks all those lecturers were giving me – they still haunt me to no end whenever I remember about them, and I’d always get instant anxiety. After that event, I had to deal with another panic attack. I cried for the whole day.
Obviously, this has to do for my graduation grades. So I thought to myself that I shouldn’t give up that easily and that I should fight off my anxiety issue this time.
I tried to beg a group(which has the only one classmate that I can actually trust out of all the girls I know at my class because our circumstance is kinda the same; let’s call her V) to let me in their group. Before this, the class girls decided to have a lottery between each group on who will accept me to their group; and V’s group drew the short stick. So, technically, even if I beg another groups to let me in to their group; their responses would just be something like “But we’ve already assigned you to V’s group. We have no responsibility over you and them. So get in contact with V’s group instead.” which, in my mind; translates to something like “we don’t like you so obviously you can’t join our comfy circle of friends so gtfo.”
But, another problem rises off the curtain: V’s group consists of 5 another girls and their circle of friends is probably the most violent in how they dislike me(at least the other girls’ circle try to make it subtle if they respond something to me or wanna talk behind me), but on several occassions I’ve become V’s group’s other members’ jokes in public where I can hear them; I see them talking to the other circle of friends about me and about how weird I am, all in front of me, and perhaps they’re doing it on purpose, haha. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that they’re probably the most obnoxious bunch I’ve ever met in my whole life ever. They even vague me(like without name-dropping me) through their social media statuses where I can see them as clear as a day(they want me to see them obviously); all the more putting me off and giving me even more anxiety and worries.
So, of course, even with the class’ consideration by them doing that lottery and stuffs, things didn’t go that easy. To start it off, I honestly can’t... like, everytime I see them – thanks to their treatment to me(shittalking me in public and stuffs) – I get mild panic attack. I’m so scared, so so scared I just want to vomit. I just can’t converse with them that well. So, to cope with it, I resorted to only talking with one of them(it’s not V because she seems to be frightened with them as well)... she confirmed the fact that I’ve been decided to be in their group, and all the stuffs. That was a week ago.
Yesterday night, when I chatted her back hearing that there’ll be group practice this weekend and asked her for the details; she openly said to me to not talk to her again and instead told me to get in touch with her group’s other members instead. And so, gathering up all the confidence I could muster to overcome my anxiety in talking with them; I made a group chat with the other 5 members. I sincerely apologized to them for only being in touch with one of them instead of everyone. I admitted that the fault’s totally on me, I apologized and apologized, then asked again if they’d let me in their group.
But the damage’s already been done. And to top it off, they dislike me so much. Obviously they won’t just treat it like nothing and let me in to their group. So they responded to my apology in where I did wrong and all those stuffs... and I feel like most of them are exaggerated and that they were just victimizing themselves – but my personal thoughts are for another story. I can’t say that I’m not part of the faults in this incident, obviously. I know that. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost.
And so I’m left with a hopeless state: everyone hates me, even the lecturer for this subject hates me, and I’m all alone, anxious, paranoid, with no group; my grades in possible danger. The said lecturer will obviously shit on my incompetence next week on the day of the practice exam where I’m gonna do all the things alone all by myself, all my classmates will be giving me looks(but I bet they’re laughing their asses off inside their heart), and I’m honestly just... not looking forward to all those. I’m tired. I don’t wanna deal with any more verbal attacks from people... feeling anxious and paranoid... I’m just devastated, I don’t think I can think clearly. But I know... I must not run away.
I’m truly sorry for the depressing long thread; I don’t know if posting in a forum full of strangers you haven’t ever met will help me all that much(especially when I think about how some of you may be thinking about how stupid I am and how much of a coward I am after reading this walltext), but I just... I just need a place to let it all out, I guess. I've been lurking here for quite often and I find it pleasant in how everyone shares their thoughts and advices to help each other. And then I came across the Fuwa Confessions thingy... so, yeah.
I’m... looking for advices, or thoughts, I guess. Or even simple words of encouragement will help, haha. Thank you for reading up until the end TT
(Btw V doesn’t even help me and I know she won’t ever do it so that she won’t get in her group’s bad side)
