jackalico

I have no idea to which extent the writing changed - I'm simply going off the information provided by Helvetica Standard, who says "the story will be differently written". I'm assuming this means the team took the time to iron out the kinks of the flowery/purple prose vs informal writing.

Err, right. Anyway, you don't have to apologize for any issues with your demo. It's fine! I understand that the role of a demo is to provide something for people to get hooked onto and excited about, not to deliver a product that's perfectly polished. And your demo did a perfect job at the former! I actually get a good sense of what you want to make your project about, what it offers, and what I can imagine the final product would be like. I also understand that you guys are an amateur team, and that this is your first project - I wasn't criticizing any of that, and I do believe (as you said you were planning yourselves), that you would be able to put out a VN of a professional quality. If you say you've significantly reworked the writing since the demo, then I'm glad, and excited for the next release. Were I to offer my help to work on backgrounds/art for you guys, would you be interested in my contribution, and if so, what would be the best way to get in touch with you?

Hola. Somebody from your team posted about OELVN backgrounds on 4chan, and it reminded me that Violet Hill existed. I know your project lead, Helvetica Standard, manifested interest in inviting me onto your team - and while I opted to undertake another project, I'm currently considering working on a second project, for a few reasons. (The main two being that development of the project I'm currently on might take a significant time seeing as we have a lot to figure out and little organization or team present yet, and that I don't think I can work solely on one project/artstyle/theme over the entire summer without wanting to kill myself.) Anyway, this post is mostly to say that I've figured the best way to have a better idea of what Violet Hill was about was to download the demo - which I did. I'm not through with it (I have no idea how long it is, actually), but I've been through the intro sequence - up to the point where you access the map - and I started taking notes, because, er... I guess I just can't help it, when looking at hobby or fan projects. I assume criticism is something that could be helpful, anyway. No? Anyway. Here. A few things I noticed. (And imma sound harsh. I actually love your project, so don't take me wrong.) The Bad The writing is very flowery and dramatic There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but while I do love extremely dramatic narrations, it's important to avoid cliches. The way the narrator describes or reacts to certain things/situations feels very artificial, essentially much more like someone who is "trying to write about something" than someone who is actually "experiencing" or "thinking" something. The fact that the main character often uses elaborate and flowery figures of speech in narration, but also acts and expresses himself like a regular teenager at times, both in narration and dialogue (and the fact that certain figures of speech rely too much on cliches), makes him sound pretentious, overdramatic and unlikable, not smart and savvy. (And it's not the "good" sort of unlikeable, sometimes he simply comes off as a tool.) As a whole, the narration switches too much and too quickly between "eloquent and flowery" and "casual, direct and sarcastic". Off the top of my head, a few examples of cliches I saw: -Describing rain as a "sublime natural melody that washes away the filth of the earth" -"A short but exquisitely beautiful poem indeed." -The MC describing himself to someone else as a "mean cynical bastard" -In general, the MC being (imo) excessively vague about the words describing his past trauma, while still presenting it as something very serious and dramatic Dialogues are devoid of internal narration This is something that you rarely if ever see in books, because it makes for poor pacing. Dialogue will almost always be cut up by little bits of narration, either describing the thoughts of a narrating character, or providing insight on the external action in a scene. Since there's nothing of the sort (especially describing your protagonist's thoughts), the narrator doesn't feel present during dialogue - and that breaks immersion. Simply getting to witness the main character spit out replies to whoever he's talking to without having any idea of what's going on in his head severely disconnects the reader from the link they would expect to have with him. Artistically, some of the character expressions feel too stiff For example, this: http://i.imgur.com/cNVAccM.jpg?1http://i.imgur.com/5o8bPXr.jpg?1 is good. This: http://i.imgur.com/DCZFhf5.jpg?1http://i.imgur.com/1pGi9E2.jpg?1 http://i.imgur.com/x0znRUJ.jpg?1 is not. (For the first image, people don't generally narrow their eyelids while shouting or displaying clear, outward aggression. For the second image, I believe there might simply be a proportions/style issue, but the smile feels like it's much too wide for the proportions of the face, especially given how small the character's mouth is at all other times. For the third, the specular highlights on the eyes are simply way too strong, and give the impression that the eyes are either bulging out, or have been squished vertically from regular-size ones.) Another thing to keep in mind is that expressions should closely match the mood of a scene, and tone/intent of whatever is being said. For example, this expression: http://i.imgur.com/SIkf3PA.jpg?1 was used when introducing Rin. The dead, uninterested stare and slightly agape mouth would indicate that the character is very unreceptive, and likely in their own headspace, yet they're going out of their way to engage socially with a person they've never met - it doesn't really match. Some of the characters seem to have very "cookie-cutter" spritesets and personalities Basically, they look the same. Two of the first characters you meet, Rin and Akane, both interact in the exact same way when you meet them. They're both shy, calm, somewhat awkward, and seem to be perpetually carrying the facial expression of an archetypal dandere - something that looks a bit like :/ (Rin does get upset at the MC, but the way her introduction is carried out, that really doesn't seem like her dominant trait.) They also have very similar poses: front facing, shoulders perfectly aligned, knees bent inwards, with arms either falling flat or being presented in front of their stomach - and both occasionally raise a hand at shoulder/face level in a sign that tends to be a display of either politeness, friendliness or shyness/embarrassment. Their speech patterns are also noticeably similar - the best way I could describe Rin at this point (outside of forthcoming plot differences) is as a less cheerful Akane with a shorter temper. http://i.imgur.com/hxwEo3P.jpg?1 Expressions are different, but body language is almost the same! http://i.imgur.com/TCThcLq.jpg?1 Again, different expressions, but exact same body language. http://i.imgur.com/V16r3s6.jpg?1 And now they're making the same faces, too! And these are "expressive" expressions as well, not "neutral" ones that wouldn't vary much from character to character. I am of the opinion that this is a situation that should never happen. I've never put much thought into writing characters, so I may be speaking without experience here (and feel totally free to discredit me if I'm wrong), but I get the impression this might simply be happening because although both your writers and artists have a general idea of what they want each character to be like, since the VN is brand new, they might have simply not thought yet about how to *differentiate* each character. I basically feel like whichever characters end up being outed as too bland or similar after reviews could benefit from an additional design pass - think about body language, speech patterns, quirks, basically every way each character could distinguish themselves strongly from the generic "template" that all characters emerge from. The Good A good sound design and high-quality assets provide excellent immersion There's a lot of small details that aren't necessary for a VN to simply exist, but add a lot to the immersion by simply being there. From the ambient sound of rain, to the main character's cellphone buzzing (or actually displaying a cellphone model complete with caller ID), or having a falling rain animation over a background, I found a lot of very high-quality assets that came as a complete surprise. Lots of VNs would omit them, for example by simply displaying a spriteless background (or a background of a phone) to represent a phone conversation. I really, really like the way you guys are going the extra mile for all these relatively minor details, and it makes the game feel very polished and thought-out in that aspect. The general atmosphere of the VN is a lot darker I can still sense a clear preoccupation to add some charm, elements of humor and basically anything to "round off" the narrative and make it more than a Hollywood drama. However, as a whole, the VN has a somewhat gritty and somber appearance, which is refreshing because it's *not* the most common stereotype (everything seems to be cheerful and bubbly these days). This is something that's present in everything, from the narrative, art, music, heck, even color grading (which I love btw). It's consistent, cohesive, and imo should be your main selling point, because it's quite simply realized /well/. I also appreciate the flowery writing, though it's not always consistent and rife with cliches. It's generally decent (and definitely of workable quality), and that helps the VN stand out a little more. The overall production quality of the VN feels high Both the writing and art will benefit greatly from some additional polishing, but overall, your project feels a lot closer to something good than something bad. I'm confident you guys will be able to put out something great once you release. _______________________________________________________________________________ That's pretty much it (and yes, the good section is only shorter than the bad one because I try to provide examples of the issues I have, while the good points I found were much more general things, or didn't need as much explaining.) Lemme know what you think of all of that, and if you could use any of this criticism, or if I'm speaking complete bull and have no idea what I'm doing again.

Yes! I've begun working on a project but I'd have no trouble getting a few pieces in for fun. What did you need?

Decently well. I haven't done any in a few months, so what I have isn't quite up to date, but here: http://i.imgur.com/bgSX2f8.jpg http://i.imgur.com/4ZS8p2V.jpg http://i.imgur.com/odm749e.jpg I love sci-fi. I think I've gotten roped up with another project for now, but depending on the workload (as well as when exactly you decide to call upon me), I might be able to offer some help. This goes for everyone else that's interested, too. I don't think I can help now, but if you have a project that you're looking to develop in the future but aren't working on right away, send a PM my way.

I try to draw a little bit of everything, but I've been mostly doing backgrounds lately. Uh, I don't have a clue what a "tachie" is.

Hey guys, I'm aware Fuwanovel is more of a place for writers than artists, but I figure there might be a chance some of you are currently looking for artists to help with your projects. As thus, I'd like to offer my help. Devving for a VN is something I've wanted to do for a while, and although I have no formal experience, I've devved for games and organized some groups before, so I'm not a complete stranger to teamwork. I'm basically looking to join any team who needs a background artist, as long as you have some decent concepts/pitches to start with. What I can do: -Backgrounds -Background/coloring for CGs -Various designs, from clothes to color schemes -Logos and promo art -Any themes -Any number of styles (I don't mind trying to match another artist's style) -Maybe some minor UI stuff? -I don't mind working with 18+ content What I can't do: -Anime/manga-style characters, I can clean/color anything from a sketch, but I have no idea how to draw anime for my life What I'm looking for: -A dedicated, long-term project -Decent writing -Hopefully a character artist to work with 0: Here's some of my work, for good measure: Larger View (still with crap compression) Larger View Larger View Some more, older pics: http://i.imgur.com/wYIW5JX.jpg http://i.imgur.com/9Mg1MOO.jpg http://i.imgur.com/w3Ykl4E.jpg http://i.imgur.com/t57dQG8.jpg These are all relatively quick pieces, nothing more than a few hours each. I can do more detailed work, but generally opt not to, as I'd rather be able to draw more varied pictures. Anyway, I think that's about it? I don't mind working on any kind of project, as long as the ideas sound cool and not overly cliche. If you want to get in touch with me, feel free to either leave a reply here or send me a PM. (And if you prefer to chat, I can PM you my skype.)