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Navagating The Twisted Thorns Of Fuwa Part 1

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Ranzo

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(I was inspired by Maggie's fan fic to write one of my own because I can and stuff. I mostly used peoples avatars to base their descriptions on so all you guys except Maggie you just got gender switched!)

Part One

(Wherein the dusty traveler reaches a strange destination and then some weird shit happens.)

Harsh desert wind beat down upon the lonesome traveler as he wandered listlessly, without purpose and without hope. He had forgotten why he had started his voyage all those months ago. Now he just roamed the blackened twisted earth in search of some meaning, some reason for being. The traveler hadn't found it yet. He couldn't shake the feeling that he never would. Nearing exhaustion and ready to collapse at any time he walked straight into a invisible barrier of some kind. It flung him several feet backward and caused him to fall into a deep unconsciousness. When he awoke he felt the sensation of someone riffling through his pockets. He rose with a start and demanded that they stop at once. "Oh shit, sorry about that but I thought you were dead!" responded a deep but feminine voice. "Don't worry, I didn't nick anything of course there wasn't a damn thing worth stealing but I'm sure you already knew that."

The traveler rubbed his eyes and took in the woman standing over him with her hands at her hips. She was a young woman of very short height with messy short blue hair and large piercing hazel eyes. She was dressed in a military uniform that was incredibly out of place considering the environment. Of course, the thing that was really off-putting about her was the fact that she had two floppy rabbit ears in addition to her normal ones. She noticed his wide staring eyes and knelt over him and grinned displaying rows of shark like teeth. "Admiring my ears I see, obviously you are a man of good taste. One word of caution though, touch either of them and I'll kill you." The man nodded glumly filled with a vague feeling of disappointment. The strange woman grabbed his hand and pulled the traveler to his feet. "Well, now I think introductions are in order, my name is Ranzo and what might your name be?" The traveler desperately tried to recall what his name was but he just couldn't remember. "Aww you poor sweet child don't tell me you don't even know your own name? Well fret not for I shall grace you with a dignified and stately name. You shall forevermore be known as...Mista Stickabee! The traveler shook his head violently in response to that he desperately knew that his name couldn't be anywhere close to that absurd name. In response Ranzo grabbed the traveler by the collar and lifted him up before violently shaking him back and forth. "Listen you stupid bastard, your name is Mista Stickabee for now on, so you better get used to the fucking idea capiche? CAPICHE?" Mista Stickabee as he is now known desperately nodded his head in agreement. Ranzo finally let him go with a wink and a smile before sauntering off to where the barrier lay.

When she was standing in front of the barrier that had knocked Mista Stickabee unconscious she clapped her hands loudly before striking a dramatic pose. At the reverberating sound the barrier slowly dissipated revealing a imposing and gigantic door that wasn't connected to seemingly anything else. The giant door was decorated with images of waifu's and sightless protags. Ranzo seized the door nob that was eye level to her and threw the door open. She went over to Mista Stickabee and grabbed his hand and dragged him through the doorway. When they made it through the giant doorway it swung closed and vanished. Mista Stickabee looked around in amazement. It was a vast space stretching on for seemingly forever. The space was populated by strange looking denizens that milled about and whom appeared and disappeared at will. Ranzo stood in front of Mista Stickabee and threw her arms out in a grand fashion and bellowed "WELCOME, TO FUWANOVEL!" Ranzo's eyes suddenly blazed red and she furiously glared around her. "Where's the fucking fireworks? They were supposed to go off right when I yelled welcome to fuwanovel...OH SHIT!" She immediately dived for cover as the fireworks suddenly burst from right behind her. Ranzo stood up and dusted herself off. "Fuckin' hell I knew something like that would happen! Anyway you're in Fuwa now and I'm going to be your tour guide. It's a part of my community service for trying to burn it down earlier.

We are a refuge for the ones that dare play Visual Novels, while also spreading our influence into other differing realms." Turning away from Mista Stickabee, Ranzo began to walk forwards while motioning him to follow. "This is the entrance hall where many of the more active members gather. Mista Stickabee started to follow but he was stop by a hand that tugged insistently on his sleeve he looked down at a little girl with long blue hair twin tailed hair and a forever quizzical expression on her face. Mista Stickabee leaned forward to hear what she had to say. "SEX, GIVE SEX! growled the girl with the voice of a forty year old chain smoker. GIVE SEX AND GURO, GURO FUR DERG!" "Hey back off Derg, he has no sex or guro to give you! No guro for Derg!" Derg looked incredibly disappointed at that and pouted terribly. "This is @Dergonu all she lives for is a steady supply of either sex, guro, or both. Here take a hentai doujin and stop bothering the new guy." Just then another tiny girl with pink hair came barreling out of nowhere and leaped onto Derg's back. "WHEN IS THE NEXT EPISODE COMING OUT? IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE LAST SUNDAY AND I'M SICK OF WAITING! I WANNA KILL! LET ME KILL!" Dergou swayed back and forth trying to throw the girl off while shouting, NO DONE YET! NO FINISH YET! GEROFFA DERG! Dergou started shuffling away from the two who just stared at them in a stunned silence. "Um, I think that was @KiririririI dunno, I keep forgetting that she exists anyway let's get this tour going again I got shit to do so let's not waste time." As they continued walking they passed several who grunted noncommittal greetings at the dusty pilgrim. One member walked in front of the two and just stood there in their way with their arms crossed and a constantly annoyed expression on his face. Well he had one despite having a gas mask on, okay? He was always annoyed, critical and annoyed. He wore a t-shirt that read Moege is Shit on the front and MoeNovel is the Devil on the back. He indicated both of these multiple times without saying a word. "Oh that's @VirginSmasher he's on another silent protest because another Moege was translated instead of a great mystery vn with multiple routes. Let's leave him before he finds out that another one was just released and has a complete mental breakdown."

They kept walking past a lot of really interesting things that I won't go into detail here because I just don't feel like it right now. You'd have been amazed by it I'm sure. They reached a doorway carved into the wall with the blood of every alien species in the galaxy. "Oh this is the passageway to the realm of @Clephasand I don't recommend you try and disturb him. He's kind of this horrifying chaotic mass of way too many mouths and the only thing that keeps him from devouring this whole place is a steady diet of VN's and the chorus of infernal piping. He's a pretty swell guy despite all that." As they were speaking a brown haired man with glasses and a red sweater appeared out of nowhere. No it wasn't Harry Potter stop getting so excited. It was @Plk_Lesiak He was a man that waded waste deep through the shittiest western vn's and worst mlp slash fiction to find meaning in this world of ours. It was sad and pathetic but he was a devoted solder to the cause so that was somewhat forgivable. Somewhat.

"Ranzo, it's time for the secret meeting of the Yuri Brigade have you forgotten?" OH shit! Yeah I did thanks for reminding me, alright Stickabee let's take a detour. The three of them went down a deserted hallway and Ranzo pushed a concealed button and a door materialized. They went inside and Stickabee was confronted with a grand room lined with countless white lilies and life sized statues of naked women doing the most lewd thing they could possibly be doing, that's right they were holding hands. Ranzo pushed another button and a large round table erupted out of the floor. Several more members materialized out of nowhere. It was a young girl with short purple hair and eerily bright purple eyes. Her name was @-soraaand she was a recent convert to the Yuri cause. "I hope I'm not late I was just drooling over the purity of Strawberry Shake Sweet, I mean appreciating, yeah that's the word!"

Everyone in the room feigned agreement while dishing out copious amounts of side eye. With a bang from a gavel the meeting was called to order. Ranzo as leader of the brigade held the floor. "Okay so Plk how is our progress in our quest for Yuri domination?" Plk adjusted his glasses like every single glasses character in anime has done before speaking. "It is going well our forces grow daily it is estimated that we will soon control over 25% of Fuwa." Ranzo smiled her shark teeth smile and nodded pleased. "Good, very good, I'm pleased at the rapid progress we have made. All we need now is the creation of more popular and well received yuri releases. Remember though, we have to be wary about the greatest enemy to our cause and that is the plague of...yuri bait." At those words the whole company started spitting and hissing like a bunch of cats. I don't know why, but it was really off putting for Mista Stickabee who was kinda just standing there, trying not to stare too closely at the tits on the statued maidens. "Yes, too many series have promised yuri only to provide the most thin veneer of subtext and worse than that turning it into a het romance. We must devote ourselves to purging this foul menace from our shores once and for all. Only then will women be able to openly love other women without judgment or scorn." Plk leaned back in his chair and waxed philosophically like he always does. "Ah yuri, is there nothing more pure that has ever been conceived I ask you? The warmth of mutual love and the promise of a tender kiss at the very end. Eternal hearts beating as one it set's my soul on fire! Oh it's true what they say, I think, therefore yuri is!" Uh oh, sorra had strated drooling all over herself again captivated by the thought. Ranzo stood up immediately and banged her gavel stopping Plk from his reveries. "Okay, I think it is time to adjourn the meeting for today I'm sure if we let Plk have his way he won't stop ranting for the next five or more hours. Agreed?" "Agreed!" chorused the rest of the brigade. "Alright then let's end this meeting with our battle cry!" YURI SHALL CONQUER THE EARTH! The cry was taken up by all members in attendance except Stickabee who was still trying to slyly shoot a glance at the sculpted tits. The meeting adjourned the rest of the members either left or talked among themselves, sorra stopped Ranzo and whispered to her. "The leader of the BL Brigade is here to see you, she's waiting outside." "Okay cool, that's for letting me know." The Yuri Brigade and the BL Brigade had long given up fighting each other and instead were now allies seeing as though they shared a common thread. Ranzo and Stickabee whom was finally able to tear himself away from the tits both walked out and saw the leader of the brigade. She was a young woman with short white hair with a black hair bow with blueish eyes.

Her name was @MaggieROBOTand she was the foremost proponent on the love between a man and another man. With her was a awkward and stumbly devil man. His name was @SeniorBlitz and he was the resident walkthrough maker and trashman. He only spoke in pun and shitty jokes so every time he opened his mouth it made people want to vomit, in the best way. "Oh hai Maggie, said Ranzo how goes the good fight?" Maggie frowned sorrowfully. "Not good I'm afraid I'm having a tougher time than I thought spreading the joy of the love between two men. It seems people are just more inclined to accept more readily the love between two women. Still, I will persist and remain undaunted and uhhh okay hold up I'll be right back!" Maggie abruptly left the conversation to stare at a argument started by two male members. It was getting pretty heated and they were getting pretty close to each other. Maggie her eyes burning with desire her face flushed with crimson screamed, "WELL THE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR? ARE YOU TWO GOING TO KISS OR WHAT? COME ON DON'T BE A PUSSY! I KNOW, THAT YOU KNOW, THAT YOU WANT TO! AND WHY STOP THERE?  WHY STOP AT JUST KISSING? TAKE YOUR DICK OUT AND RAM IT IN HIS ASSHOLE! LET'S GET IT STARTED UP IN THIS BITCH! I WANNA SEE SOME MOANING AND GROANING, POCKING AND CHOKING ALREADY!!! Blitz was busy trying  to restrain her from forcing the two's heads together when a large crowd started assembling around Maggie. It was the VNR users they always had trouble getting it to work and demanded that Maggie help them. VNR WON'T WORK FIX IT, MAGGIE FIX IT! WHAT IS VNR MAGGOOO??! I DON'T WORK SO WELL! Maggie turned pale and blindly ran away screaming "STAY BACK, STAY BACK! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU FUCKERS THAT I WOULD NEVER HELP YOU AGAIN, SO STAY AWAY FROM MEEEEEEE!" The heaving mass of confused and befuddled users took off after her. "Well, uh that was certainly something, special. Let's uhh continue the tour.

As they kept walking they reached a open plaza. "This is where we keep the stocks, they are used by mods to punish the trolls and it's also where we keep the scum of the earth. It's name is Mitch. A large crowd was gathered around a single pillory where a despised and maligned presence was held captive. The crowd was flinging trash and moldy food at the grotesque mass. "It's bully Mitch day which is now that I think of it every single day." Blitz who was joining in on the festivities was suddenly picked up and thrown at Mitch seeing as he had been mistaken for garbage. "Cut it out I'm still underageeeee", he wailed pitifully. "Ah such a shame I can't take part today but there is always tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next one after that. Let's boogie." Off they went past some more pretty neat things that I'm still not going to describe for you so just drop it okay? Suffice to say that they were real neat and rad. You know what? I'm going just end this now with a needless cliffhanger okay so just suck on that Alex Trebek...Aha!

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Haha, awesome Ranzo!

Yuri Brigade and BL Brigade :D

I love it:) Best battle cry :P

Spoiler

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PS: Even if I was a girl, I would still love the yuri genre :gasp:

Edited by -soraa

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