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story idea.


gunter

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heya

this post will probably be pretty useless, but well,i wanted to do it for a while :unsure:

i've been thinking about a story for a while (maybe for a vn project,tough I'm totally unable to draw with digital painting/ i suck at using computer in a generic way ,let alone coding x)  )  and i wanted to submit the idea to objective peoples .

roughly ,it would be a relatively short story,talking in vn terms (something long like saya no uta i think ) talking about peoples who really doesn't have luck. to sum it up, it's the story of a drugs addict, who became obsessed by a girl that he  mistook with an hallucination when he saw her  hesitate to commit suicide by jumping from her balcony . obviously, it will also be the story of the girl (the story will be mainly narrated from her point of vue  )  , who is disgusted by the real world ,depressive ,and had suicidal tendencies tough she never be determined enough to attempt suicide. she cut herself from the world, reducing to a minimum her relationships with her workmates and boss. one day , her boss keep her in her office after the end of the workday and try to rape her. in order to protect herself , she hit him in the face with the first thing she can lay the hand on (a scissors) and end up sticking the blade in his eyes . panicked ,she call help ,shouting in the empty offices. the boy wo happen to work for the same enterprise ,as a member of the clean up crew ,ear the racket and  head for it source.  when he found the girl in a half delirious state,he understood that he couldn't keep her for himself if he call an ambulance or the police,so he kill the boss and clean up the place before he bring the girl who had passed out to his home . obviously, the disappearance  of the boss and the girl lead to a signalment to the police,which start investigations in order to found the two missing peoples,investigation wich will finally lead to the discovery of the boss corpse,an for a long chase after the two protagonists (which will worsen their problem during it ) .that's all for the plot.

 

well,it kinda sound better written in french ,but that's an attempt to write the passage where the guy saw the girl for the first time 

Spoiler

It was already night when he enter the building. Outside,the street light gleamed dimly ,barely sufficient to lit the narrow street ,barely sufficient to lit the snowflakes wich happened to came in their halo. Inside ,it was almost pitch black. As usual ,the elevator wont work ,and the only source of light was the dull emergency exit sign, but the man doesn't cared about it. Nor he cared about the stench of urine wich soaked the hall. All his attention was directed to the stairwell . He skillfully avoid the tramp sleeping on a carboard right before the first step ,and quickly climbed the stairway. he was quickly engulfed by the darkness . Soon he will reach his flat. Soon he can get what he craved for the whole day. Soon the first symptoms of lack will appears... first, he will shudder,slightly,as cold sweat will soak his shirt. Then the gentle shudder will mute into a violent shaking. He was so close to his goal.so close... then ,his teeth began  to chatter . He realized that his trembling was not due to the freezing weather,and hurried to the last floor.He almost crumbled when he reached the end of the stairway. Cold sweat dripped on the floor from his forehead,and his shaking wasn't going to allow him to walk to his door. It hurts him so much.he somehow managed to enter his flat,panting heavily , and aimed blindly to his dose. He found his medicine almost immediately,and swallowed it quickly. Even if his trembling ceased quickly ,the unease sensation continue to torment him. he grabbed his cup , crushed pills in it,then pour in cough syrup and sprite before heading to the balcony . He gulp the purple mixture while he stand in the dim lighted night. Almost if he was alone in the world. He began to cool down ,under the cold,yet burning snow . A warm feeling slowly built up in his guts,and gradually rise up in his ill body. He stayed on the balcony,staring absent mindly to the building in front of him. Then he saw her. How could it have been otherwise? The pallid,translucent,almost immaterial girl stand on the edge of her balcony. Her blond,almost white hair, fluttering in the wind bewitched him. She was so graceful. She bent slightly,while staring into the emptiness under her. Slowly, she raised up her foot , putting herself in a dangerous posture,struggling against the wind to keep her balance. The thought that she could fall at any moment didn't seem to bother her. In fact,it looked like she wished to fall.

The guy was fascinated by her graceful movement . He extended his arm, as if he wanted to touch her,to stroke her cheek. In the time for him to blink,she vanished. seeking her with him gaze and looking at the street without seeing her,he regretfully leave his balcony ,and collapsed on the floor , thinking that she was probably an illusion due to the drug.

 

i hope it was pleasant to read, and i look forward to your ideas/impressions/advices about my english and that kind of stuff... anyway,thanks for reading :)

 

 

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I like it. The plot seems interesting. Though, the writing style is somehow weird, and u have there a bunch of grammar flaws but that doesn t spoil anything, so it s not that bad.

I think i would gladly read the rest of the story (if i find time :makina:).

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Haha,tanks ! I try to do what y can,but i still have serious problems with grammar (even in french, such a shame) because i wasn't interested enough in english  when i learned it at school (not so long ago :x )i started to really improve my english this year,i think i have a huge way to go 

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10 hours ago, Clephas said:

Also, spelling... my suggestion is that you add a spellchecker to your browser, if you are going to post in English-speaking forums...

i never thought about it,but it should pretty usefull. thank you ,really ^^'

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